You've Got Mail
by chinocoop81
Summary: Ryan and Marissa used to be online friends who grew really close until Ryan decided to leave. Years later they meet at college, except only Ryan knows about their past. What happens when Marissa realizes just who Ryan is and what he did to her? RM AU. Complete.
1. Name

**A/N Sorry for not writing this on Thursday. I'm a bit of a lazy person when I want to be, but I also have had a lot going on lately, so that's why I haven't written. The login on the site was down when I finished the chapter, so blame fan fiction for that delay, not me. I don't know when I'll have this updated again, probably Tuesday or Wednesday since I have to go to school for newspaper. I'm an editor this year...you guys should be proud :)**

**An update on me: I'm hanging in there. I'm feeling kind of better than at the beginning of the week, so I'm hoping that keeps up. Thank you for all your support, it means a lot.**

**R/R, thanks!**

**Chapter 1: Name**

_**April 18, 1999**_

**RyMAt87 : **We've been talking for around a week now, do you think we should learn each other's names?

**MAC_12: **Oh, yeah, sure...I'm Marissa.

**RyMAt87:** I'm Ryan.

**MAC_12:** Nice to formerly meet you Ryan :)

**RyMAt87:** Nice to formerly meet you too...Marissa :)

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_And even though the moment passed me by  
I still can't turn away  
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose  
Got tossed along the way  
And letters that you never meant to send  
Get lost or thrown away _

Ryan Atwood stared at the wall across the room from him, lost in thought. He heard the soft snoring of a sleeping Theresa next to him and for some reason it annoyed him. He looked over at the other occupant of the small bed to see his friend/on-and-off again-girlfriend of the past three or so years. She looked so peaceful in her sleep, so much different than she did when she was awake. He hadn't seen Theresa crack a real smile since September the year before.

They had always had a complicated relationship, ever since he moved to Chino when he was fifteen. They started out just friends though it was obvious Theresa wanted more by the way she always clung to him and followed him around. At the time Ryan had been in love with someone else, even though he never admitted that to anyone. Even though he made it clear to Theresa he didn't want anything more than a friendship, she still seemed to try really hard to get him to like her. She wore clothes that didn't leave much to the imagination and constantly brushed up against him. She tried everything possible, but Ryan was so absorbed in someone else that he barely noticed her.

He felt that familiar pang in his heart thinking of his old love. Her name was Marissa Cooper and she was easily the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. She had long, honey blonde hair that shined in the light of the sun and blue-green eyes that seemed to sparkle. She had been his everything. The only catch was he had never actually met her, and he had never actually shown her a picture of himself. He'd wanted to, he really had, but he didn't have a camera or any other way to upload a picture.

They met on the official message boards for the show The Valley. It had been a brand new show then and they both were pretty fascinated with it. She started watching the show because she thought it was interesting and loved the couples. He watched the show because the night it first came on there had been a huge fight in his old house and his brother Trey shoved him into the room they shared, turning on the TV. He had told Ryan to just sit still and watch TV while he handled it. The show happened to be starting at that very moment, so Ryan turned it up deafeningly loud and watched, letting himself get absorbed in the drama of the show so he wouldn't have to deal with his own.

One day his mom decided to try getting the internet. He ended up finding the message boards where he met the only girl that he'd ever truly loved and opened up to. Her name was Marissa Cooper. She was a twelve year old, just like him, who came from Newport. Her parents got a divorce a couple of months after they first started talking, which led them them to be even closer to each other. He was there for her when she felt her own family wasn't, and she was there for him when he needed an escape from all the messed up stuff in his house.

But then one day he decided it would be best if they stopped talking. She was his everything, but he couldn't let her be weighed down by him. She deserved to go out and find a real best friend, someone that could actually lend her a shoulder to cry on when things got to be too much. She deserved to go out and find that once in a lifetime love that everyone seemed to be talking about, but he knew she never would if he was in the picture, so he let her go. To this day he hadn't truly gotten over her, though it was a lot easier to get by without her.

Right after he sent her his goodbye message, he went outside and looked for Theresa. When he'd found her, he went up to her and kissed her hard on the mouth, needing to let out his anger, frustration, and pain in some way. So, even though they'd just started hanging out, she led him to her empty house and they both lost their virginity to each other. That's really how their relationship started, just sex. He knew that she wanted more, but she seemed to be okay with just taking what he would give her.

After a while he asked her to be his girlfriend, which she was thrilled about. They dated on and off the next couple of years until one day when they happened to be off again she came into his room crying, a white stick with a pink plus sign held tightly in her hand. He wanted to be the father to his baby that his own father hadn't been to him, so he did the noble thing and got back together with her. They agreed they would get married when they were out of high school and move in together. Since they lived right next door, they hadn't felt the need to move in at that particular time.

Things were great for the summer, or at least the month and a half of it they knew about the baby. For once in his life he was feeling like he could finally get over Marissa Cooper and invest all his love in his baby and his future wife. He knew he would never love Theresa the way he loved Marissa, but he also knew that he could still love her enough for them to be able to make a life together. When he looked at her he didn't see the rebound girl anymore, he actually saw the person he thought he would spend forever with.

A couple of days into the new school year Ryan and Theresa got into a fight. She wanted to drop out and just get a job, but he wanted her to get a decent education and finish their senior year of high school. She ran out of his house angrily and drove away. He figured she just needed to let off some steam, so he didn't follow her. He could easily say that was one of the worst decisions he'd ever made.

When she still hadn't returned a couple of hours later he had grown worried. He was pacing in his room when the phone rang. It had been Theresa...she was at the hospital. She had gotten into a car accident. She was crying so hard because she felt like she was ruining the both of their lives that it blurred her vision. She never saw the dog in the middle of the road, not until it was too late. She had swerved and hit a tree. The impact was so hard that she had a miscarriage. In two hours his life had been turned upside down. All his thoughts of a future with Theresa went out the window.

Over the next nine months they developed an awkward relationship. He didn't have the heart to break up with her, so they stayed together. They stopped talking and even though he knew Theresa needed him, he couldn't be the person she wanted him to be. He was dealing with his own loss and really couldn't help her deal with her own. Their relationship became about sex again, which he could handle. He had lost the second love of his life...all before he turned eighteen.

He got out of bed and slid his boxers on. He couldn't be near Theresa and think like this...it felt wrong. He finished getting dressed and then quietly slipped out of her house, making the small trip to his own. Beer cans littered the floor around his passed out mom on the couch. He rolled his eyes and sighed, walking to the cabinet to get some aspirin for the hangover she was sure to have when she woke up. He got her a glass of water and set it with the pills on the coffee table.

When he got to his room he entered and quietly locked the door behind him. He sat down on his computer chair and signed on to his emails. He sighed when he saw a bunch of Spam and deleted it all. He let his mind wander again and soon he found himself reaching for the letter he'd been hiding for the past couple of months. He looked at the Berkeley logo at the top and felt his stomach jump.

Even when he life was falling apart, he'd decided it would be best to try his best in school. He had ended up graduating at the top of his class and since he had such high SAT scores he ended up getting a full ride scholarship to Berkeley. He knew that Theresa would ask him to stay and accuse him of running away, which he was partially doing. Theresa didn't really believe education would get a person all that far, but instead that hands on experience would work best. Her dad ran a construction company and since he was interested in construction and architecture, she wanted Ryan to go work for her dad. But what she couldn't understand was that he didn't want to be just another construction worker, he wanted to be the one to design the buildings.

He had already informed the admissions office he would be attending and was even packed and ready to go. The only problem was he was afraid. It was easy to say you would be able to leave on your own and never look back, but it wasn't. He sighed and decided he needed some motivation. He went back to the computer and went onto the message boards. His messages to Marissa were still there. He propped up his feet on his bed and began to read.

When he finally had enough courage, he reached for a piece of paper and pen. He scribbled a quick note to his mom and Theresa, and then grabbed his small duffel bag and backpack. With one last look at his room for the past three years, he put on his sunglasses and left for his new life.

_And now we're grown up orphans  
That never knew their names  
We don't belong to no one  
That's a shame  
But if you could hide beside me  
Maybe for a while  
And I won't tell no one your name  
And I won't tell em your name _

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_**May 31, 1999**_

**RyMAt87: **Hey, look...I'm really worried about you. I know you're going through some stuff right now, but I want you to know that I'm here if you need to talk. Now, I know that's not exactly what you need, but I just want you to know that if all else fails, you can ALWAYS talk to me, alright?

**MAC_12: **Thanks...that means a lot. I don't really know what to say, it just hurts, you know?

**RyMAt87: **Yeah, I know. My dad left when I was five, so I get that you're going through a hard time with the divorce, I really do.

**MAC_12: **I didn't know your dad was gone...

**RyMAt87:** It's not something I really talk about.

**MAC_12:** Then why did you tell me?

**RyMAt87:** I don't know. I guess maybe I trust you.

**MAC_12: **Thanks.

**RyMAt87: **For what? I haven't done anything.

**MAC_12:** Thanks for trusting me...and for being here.

**RyMAt87: **You're welcome.

**MAC_12: **You know what this means?

**RyMAt87:** Hmm?

**MAC_12:** It means we're friends, because I happen to trust you too.

**RyMAt87: **I guess you're stuck with me :)

**MAC_12: **Ha, it's more like you're stuck with me. I can be pretty needy.

**RyMAt87**: I can handle that.

**MAC_12:** And I tend to ramble a lot about things that don't really matter.

**RyMAt87:** It will keep me entertained.

**MAC_12: **Not to mention I push people a lot to talk about things they don't really want to talk about. I don't understand that sometimes there need to be boundaries.

**RyMAt87: **Sometimes pushing is necessary.

**MAC_12:** And I can be a bit of a bitch if necessary.

**RyMAt87: **You're not going to push me away, no matter what you do or say.

**MAC_12: **I was kind of hoping you'd say that.

**RyMAt87:** So...friends?

**MAC_12:** Okay....friends.

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Marissa Cooper stood on her balcony, leaning on the railing as she stared out at the ocean. Today she was supposed to go for her first day at Berkeley. There was some freshmen orientation that was mandatory. The last orientation she had gone to back during school was an optional social kind of deal, but this one was where they were supposed to get their books and such. She was kind of nervous to go to school since she didn't really know anyone there. Sure there was her boyfriend Luke, but for some reason knowing he would be there did nothing to calm her nerves.

She sighed and went over to her laptop and opened it. She logged on to check her emails and sifted through all the Spam and forwards, deleting them all as she went. When she'd successfully trashed all the junk mail, she looked at all the useful messages. Her dad had sent her an email from Greece saying he missed her, which she had to doubt. Her friend Summer had left for Rhode Island to Brown with her boyfriend Seth the week before so they could get settled into their apartment together and wanted to tell Marissa all about her adventures there. When she was done replying to them, she looked at her now empty inbox and let herself sigh and be hit with the overwhelming disappointment.

It had been three years, two months, and nine days since she'd last heard from him, but she still religiously checked her emails every day hoping he would come back and say he made a mistake. That he missed her. That he loved her – was in love with her – and always had been. That he wanted to meet her and get to know her again. That he would come back, sweep her off her feet, and promise that he would never, ever leave her again.

When she got over the disappointment she reminded herself this was all for the best. Ryan Mackenzie was right in leaving her all those years ago because if he hadn't, she wouldn't be where she was today. Ever since the day she left she had tried to convince herself that things happened for a reason, Ryan leaving one of them. And besides, if he had never left she never would've become friends with her best guy friend Brett and never would've started dating her current boyfriend Luke. No, she would've been too hung up on being in love with Ryan to give either of the two a second glance.

She smiled thinking of the two most important boys in her life. Brett had always been there, she had just never seen him in the midst of all the craziness with Ryan. He was the loner that watched everyone from afar, almost like a wallflower. He watched everyone do things but he never tried it himself. At Harbor High that was looked down upon, but he had never cared much what other people thought of him. No matter what people told him or called him, he wouldn't change himself to fit their plans for a 'normal' student.

When school started after the horrible summer that Ryan said goodbye, Brett finally stepped out of the shadows and went up to her. There was something about his kind, brown eyes that made her feel like opening up to him, so for some odd reason she told him all about Ryan. They talked for days and days about it, and even though he probably got tired of hearing about how much she loved someone else, he patiently listened. She talked about Ryan until she no longer felt the need to, and when she realized over a month had passed, she knew Brett was a true friend.

She would be a liar if she said she never thought of him in a romantic way; he was actually the first boy she ever kissed. They both knew they were better off as friends though, so that's the way they remained. In fact, he was now in a pretty serious relationship with her little sister Kaitlin, and even though it was weird at first, she now knew that they seemed made for each other.

She had been dating Luke for about two years now and they were a pretty happy couple. They definitely had chemistry and she felt she could talk to him about enough things so that she was fairly honest with him. She never told him about Ryan, but by the time they started going out she was pretty much done with moping over him. Their relationship was pretty comfortable. In fact, there was only one thing the two ever argued about: sex.

Marissa was still a virgin at the age of eighteen and pretty proud of it. She didn't want to be forced into something she wasn't ready for with someone she wasn't ready to give herself to yet, but Luke argued that since they had been going out for so long it was about time they moved forward in their relationship and took that extra step. For the most part he was pretty understanding about it though, which she loved about him. He wasn't Ryan, not even close, but she did love him in a way.

A knock on her door pulled her from her thoughts. She looked up and smiled when she saw Brett standing there holding a steaming cup of coffee. "Coffee...just the way you like it," he said with a kind smile.

She smiled and took the steaming mug into her hands. "Thanks Bee."

He smiled and sat down at the edge of her bed. "No problem." He looked at the computer screen and must have caught the flicker in her eyes because he lost his smile. "It's been three years."

She nodded and smiled sadly. "I know...I just...can't help it."

He nodded and decided to change the subject. "So you excited about the big day?"

She shrugged and nodded. "Yeah, I guess so..." she said before taking a sip of the coffee. "I mean, it's kind of scary too to be in a place all alone."

He raised his eyebrows and amusedly said, "You'll have Luke there to keep you company, remember?"

She thought about her blonde hair, blue eyed boyfriend and shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

They heard her mom calling and he stood. "Your mom told me to tell you to she wants you ready to go in five minutes." He shuffled over to her and gave her a half hug. "I have to go to work but I wanted to say good luck and see you off."

She smiled at him and said, "Thanks. I'll call you tonight to tell you all about it, okay?"

He nodded and joked, "You better." He left the room and Marissa turned back to the screen on her laptop one last time before turning it off and placing it in her bag. There was always tomorrow.

_Scars are souvenirs you never lose  
The past is never far  
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there  
Did you get to be a star  
And don't it make you sad to know that life  
Is more than who we are _

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_**January 1, 2000**_

**MAC_12: **Happy New Year!!!

**RyMAt87:** Happy New Millennium!

**MAC_12: **Speaking of that...wasn't the electricity supposed to turn off and stuff? My mom bought so many matches, bottles of water, and dry food that our pantry is overflowing. Considering the size of our pantry...that's really saying something.

**RyMAt87: **Yeah, my mom did the same thing. Don't forget all the candles.

**MAC_12: **Oh I know! I guess maybe it was a false alarm?

**RyMAt87: **Something tells me that once people get over the relief of having electricity and stuff, they're going to get pretty mad about spending all that money on things they'll probably never use...

**MAC_12: **Well, look at the bright side...

**RyMAt87: **Which would be what?

**MAC_12: **We all have enough candles, matches, dry food, and water to last until the next millennium!

**RyMAt87:** Very true. Hey, Riss?

**MAC_12: **Yeah?

**RyMAt87: **I'm really glad that the electricity didn't go out.

**MAC_12:** Me too. This way we can still see The Valley :)

**RyMAt87:** I meant...I'm glad that the electricity didn't go out...so that I can still talk to you.

**MAC_12: **Me too.

**RyMAt87: **You know what my New Years resolution was?

**MAC_12: **What?

**RyMAt87:** Work up the courage to tell you that you're the most important person in my life. I know maybe it's weird and pathetic, but I think you're my best friend.

**MAC_12: **You want to know what my New Years resolution is?

**RyMAt87:** What?

**MAC_12:** Never let you go.

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Ryan stepped out of his car and locked it before turning to fully appreciate the campus in front of him. He stepped onto the grass and stared wide eyed at the beautiful buildings around him. He went and got his books and stuff before finding his dorm. He walked in and found another blond haired, blue eyed boy already in there. The guy looked up at him and smiled, walking over to Ryan and sticking out his hand. "Hey man, you must be Ryan, right?"

Ryan nodded and gave the guy a half smile back. He shook his hand before setting his books down on an end table when Luke gestured to it. "Yeah, that's me. You're Luke, right?"

Luke nodded. "Yeah." He went back to where he was before. "It's crazy how big these dorms are now. It's like our own little apartment." Ryan looked around to see that Luke was right. They were currently in a small little space that could be used as a living room and then there were two doors that led to two different rooms. Then there was another door closer to the entrance that housed the bathroom. It was weird, he thought dorms were supposed to be really small and that they used co-ed bathrooms, but this worked. He pointed to one of the doors. "I already chose the door on the left. I hope that's okay with you..."

Ryan nodded. "It's fine."

Luke nodded, seeming relieved. "Okay, good. I really didn't want to get off on the wrong foot..."

Ryan shook his head and gave Luke a friendly smile. "Nah, it's cool."

Luke nodded and said, "Alright." He looked at Ryan's duffel bag and backpack. "So um, where's the rest of your stuff?"

Ryan looked down at his bags and then back up at Luke. "This is all my stuff..."

Luke froze. "Oh...I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."

Ryan shook his head and laughed a little. "It's fine, really. I don't really have a whole lot of money and since I don't need a lot, why waste it?"

Luke nodded. "Oh. Where are you from?"

"Chino," Ryan answered. "You?"

"Newport...in Orange County," Luke informed him. Ryan's mind drifted to Marissa and he felt the ache in his chest. "Speaking of home...you have a girlfriend?"

Ryan thought of Theresa now and felt a different pang. "Um, not really...I don't know if you can call her my girlfriend..."

Luke laughed a little and raised his eyebrows. "Nice."

Ryan shook his head and frowned. "It's...complicated." He paused and then asked, "What about you?"

Luke nodded. "Yeah...she should be dropping by soon, actually." He looked down at his watch. "Shit, I need to get ready for that orientation thing." He looked back at Ryan. "Hey, do you want to go with us? We could all three hang out...you know, get to know each other."

Ryan nodded and said, "Sounds cool, man. I'm just gonna go put my stuff away..."

Luke nodded. "Yeah, okay. She should be here any minute." They both went to their rooms. Ryan placed his bag on his bed and looked around. The room was about the size of the one at home, but it seemed better than any other one he'd seen before just because it was elsewhere. He heard a knock on the door and Luke call out, "I'm changing! Can you get that?"

"Sure!" he called back, closing the door to his room. He walked to the door and opened it to reveal a pair of blue-green eyes he'd never quite gotten over. "Marissa?"

_You grew up way too fast  
And now there's nothing to believe  
And reruns all become our history  
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio  
And I won't tell no one your name  
And I won't tell em your name _

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_**June 26, 2003**_

**RyMAt87: **Hey, Riss?

**MAC_12:** Yeah?

**RyMAt87: **I think I'm going to leave.

**MAC_12: **Oh, are you moving again?

**RyMAt87: **No...I mean...I don't think we should talk on here anymore.

**MAC_12:** That's alright, we can still email :)

**RyMAt87: **No...I mean...I don't think you and I should talk anymore. I think it would be best if I just leave and never come back.

**MAC_12: **You're kidding, right? I know that ever since you moved into your new house we've both been busy, but that doesn't mean we have to stop talking. I don't want to.

**RyMAt87: **I don't either...I just...I think it's for the best.

**MAC_12:** Well I don't, so don't do it.

**RyMAt87: **Riss, you're my best friend...the most important person to me. That's why I think I should do this...why I'm going to do this. I've held you back from your life long enough. I'm not going to do that anymore. I care enough that I'm going to let you go. I want you to be free, to live your life to the fullest. I want you to...I want you to be happy. This is my last message. I'm never going to forget you. Goodbye, pony girl.

**MAC_12:** Ryan, don't leave. In a couple of days we're going to look back at this and laugh.

_**June 27, 2003**_

**MAC_12:** Ryan?

_**July 4, 2003**_

**To:**

**From: **

**Subject:** Don't Leave

Ryan, I can't let you just leave like this. I WON'T let you leave. I NEED you, Ryan. I have ever since we became friends all those years ago...maybe before that. I don't want you to leave...you CAN'T leave me.

I...I love you, Ryan. I'm in love with you. I always have been. Please don't leave me. Please.

_I think about you all the time  
But I don't need the same  
It's lonely where you are come back down  
And I won't tell em your name _

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**Some important notes:**

1) I can't remember how advanced technology was back in the early '00s, so if I make something too advanced, I apologize.

2) Yes, Marissa thinks Ryan's last name is Mackenzie. That will be explained in the next chapter.

3) All the songs in here will be from the 90s, just like I used specific songs for L&L last year. This song used was 'Name' by The Goo Goo Dolls.

4) I know the Valley wasn't on back then, but I'm pretending it was.

5) The story starts in September of 2006.

6) The nickname 'pony girl' will be explained in further chapters.


	2. You Had Me From Hello

**A/N Yes, I am aware it has been three weeks. I was busy the weeks leading up to school and now I'm back in school again. For those of you that just started reading, that means I post every couple of weeks, sometimes just once a month. I will try to post more often though. Thank you guys for all of your wonderful reviews. I know this chapter is very short and not at all good, but please review and stick with the story because it will get better.**

**Song used: 'You Had Me From Hello' by Kenny Chesney**

**Chapter 2: You Had Me From Hello**

_**September 11, 1999**_

**MAC_12: **Hey Ry?

**RyMAt87: **Yeah Riss?

**MAC_12: **What's your full name?

**RyMAt87: **Um...can I email it to you?

**MAC_12:** Oh, yeah, sure.

**To:** Marissa

**From **Ryan

**Subject: **Name

My name is Ryan Mackenzie.

**To**: Ryan

**From:** Marissa

**Subject:** RE: Name

Mackenzie...I like it.

My name is Marissa Anne Cooper. Do you have a middle name?

**To: **Marissa

**From:** Ryan

**Subject: **RE: Name

I like your name. It's really nice. No...just Ryan Mackenzie.

_One word, that's all you said  
Somethin' in your voice caused me to turn my head.  
Your smile, just captured me  
And you were in my future as far as I could see  
And I don't know how it happened, but it happened still  
You asked me if I love you, if I always will_

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Ryan stood looking into the eyes of the woman he had spent hours staring into and for the life of him he could not remember how to breathe. Marissa Cooper was standing right there in front of him looking at him with utter confusion; when had his life gotten so crazy? "Um...do I know you?" she asked, obviously confused.

Suddenly Ryan remembered who he was and what he had done to the girl in front of him. His eyes darted frantically, trying to come up with an excuse for why he already knew her name. "Um, no. I'm Luke's roommate." He saw her name tag for orientation and grew relieved. "I just saw your name tag and figured you were his girlfriend, right?"

She still seemed a little cautious but nodded. "Yeah, I'm Marissa Cooper."

He nodded and offered her his most charming smile. "I'm Ryan Atwood."

He swore something flashed in her eyes when he said his first name. "Oh, it's nice to meet you then, Ryan," she said, sticking out her hand.

He stared at it, almost at a loss of what to do until his brain started working again. He reached out and shook her hand, but immediately pulled back when their fingers touched. She must have felt it too because she looked away from him and blushed. "It's nice to meet you too, Marissa," he said, never taking his eyes off of her.

She looked back up at him and must have caught the intensity in his stare because she turned even redder. She looked like she was going to say something when Luke came out of his room. He saw the two of them and smiled. "I see you two have met," he said, coming over and wrapping an arm around Marissa. He smiled at her and kissed her cheek, but Marissa's eyes never left Ryan's.

Finally, after a minute of staring at him curiously, she turned to Luke and offered him a small smile. "Yeah, we were just introducing ourselves. Are you ready to go?"

Luke nodded and looked at Ryan who was shifting his weight from one foot to another, feeling very out of place. "Yeah, I actually invited Ryan to go with us. That's okay, right?" Luke gave Marissa a look that told her she didn't really have a choice and it would be rude if she said no.

Marissa glanced at Ryan quickly but then looked back at Luke. "Yeah, of course."

Luke seemed relieved and said, "Okay then, let's go." He reached for Marissa's hand and laced their fingers together. Ryan ignored the contact, trying not to care. Obviously Marissa had moved on. He had hopped in bed a couple of hours after he said goodbye to her. He thought back to her last message. _I'm in love with you. I always have been._ He wondered if she loved Luke the way she had loved him. He decided he didn't really want to know.

Marissa avoided Ryan's gaze as she walked past him to go out the door. "Yeah, okay." He followed the two of them, wondering if he could make her fall for him all over again.

_Well you had me from "Hello"  
I felt love start to grow  
The moment that I looked into your eyes, you won me  
It was over from the start  
You completely stole my heart  
And now you won't let go  
I never even had a chance you know_

_You had me from "Hello"_

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_**April 11, 2001**_

**MAC_12:** Hey, do you know what today is?!

**RyMAt87:** Um...no...

**MAC_12: ***gasp* It's our two year anniversary!

**RyMAt87:** Is that so?

**MAC_12: **Yes! It's been two years since we started talking. Did you ever think we'd make it to talking this long?

**RyMAt87: **No, I figured you would've left by now.

**MAC_12:** Now why would I ever leave you? You're the sweetest, kindest, most caring person I know.

**RyMAt87: **I don't know...if you say so.

**MAC_12:** I do say so! You're my best friend, Ry.

**RyMAt87: **I'm surprised I'm not tired of you yet. Jk

**MAC_12: **I take offense to that!

**RyMAt87: **You know I didn't mean it.

**MAC_12: **I know! Hey, so um, do you think we'll ever meet?

**RyMAt87: **I don't know. Do you want to?

**MAC_12:** Kind of, yeah. Do you?

**RyMAt87: **I don't know...I guess so...

**MAC_12:** I would finally get to know what you look like.

**RyMAt87:** Yeah, it could be cool. What do you think we'd do?

**MAC_12:** For one I would hug you and probably annoy you with how much I talk. I don't really know what we would talk about since we already know everything about each other, but I bet I would find something.

**RyMAt87: **Oh wonderful.

**MAC_12:** It would be really cool to meet you. Maybe we should really make an effort to do it someday.

**RyMAt87:** Okay, I'll promise to try my best if you do too.

**MAC_12: **Deal, I promise.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Inside, I built a wall  
So high around my heart, I thought I'd never fall  
One touch, you brought it down  
The bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground  
And I swore to me I wasn't gonna love again  
The last time was the last time I let someone in_

Marissa didn't know who this Ryan was, but he was kind of scaring her. Well, not really scaring, but making her feel nervous. When he looked at her he seemed to see something in her that she couldn't understand. He looked at her differently than anyone else ever had and she didn't know why he did it or what it meant. It would be flattering if her boyfriend wasn't holding her hand and she hadn't just met the guy. Ryan looked at her like he knew some big secret and it was disconcerting and just plain nerve wracking.

He was quiet for a long time; she was too. Luke was the one that took it upon himself to start up a conversation. She had learned that about Luke, he could never be lost in silence. Whenever she didn't talk, he always started telling her random stories about his friends or talked about the weather, anything to keep from the two of them just sitting there enjoying a nice moment together. Ryan didn't seem like that kind of guy though, which kind of bugged her because she wanted to know more about him and he didn't seem to be giving up any information.

When orientation was over the three of them walked back to the boys' dorm. Ryan had his hands stuck in his pockets and seemed lost in thought. She wondered what he was thinking about, but then chided herself for thinking about it. "So, Ryan...where are you from?" she asked, interrupting Luke's story of the time he went surfing in Hawaii.

He looked at her with those intense eyes, about to answer, but then Luke beat him to it. "Oh, Ryan's from Chino."

Marissa bit the inside of her lip to stop herself from looking upset. She had wanted Ryan to answer. "Oh...I used to know someone from Chino," she said before she could stop herself.

Ryan's eyes grew more intense and Luke looked over at Marissa now too. "You did?"

She didn't want to take her eyes from Ryan's and their staring contest, but she turned to Luke anyways and said, "Yeah. You didn't know them though."

Luke looked confused but let it go. "Anyways, as I was saying. These waves were HUGE..."

Marissa allowed herself to tune Luke out and think about Ryan...HER Ryan. She tried not to smile as she thought about how amazing he was. His words always had a way of making her feel better, no matter what was going on. They reached the dorm and Luke walked away, saying something about going to shower or something. "Oh, I'll go then," she said, not knowing if she wanted to be alone with Ryan.

Luke gave her a look. "Why? You can just stay here and watch TV or something, then we can order pizza and just hang and get to know each other."

She briefly glanced over at Ryan and then said, "I don't know if I'm up to it tonight."

"Come on, babe. It's our last free night before we officially start college. Let's spend it together."

She sighed and bit her lip once again. "Okay, fine."

Luke left to take a shower, leaving Ryan and Marissa alone. If he thought this was as awkward as she did, he didn't seem to how it. He walked to the couch and plopped himself down on it, turning on the TV. He started flipping through the channels and landed on a rerund of The Valley. He set the remote down and started to watch it. She stared at him curiously and walked over so she was standing beside him. "You watch The Valley?"

He didn't take his eyes off the TV. "Occasionally...when there's nothing else on."

"Oh," she said. She sat down on the other side of the couch and awkwardly stared at her hands.

"You don't have to be nervous around me," he commented after a while, glancing over at her before looking back at the TV. "I'm not going to bite."

"That's not what I'm afraid of," she mumbled back. She was afraid of him in general.

"Then what are you afraid of?" he asked her, turning so he was staring at her with those intense blue eyes. "Give me one thing."

"I'm afraid of bridges," she said after a minute of thought. She couldn't tell him that she was afraid of his intense gaze and the way his eyes seemed to see straight into her sould because it would sound like she liked him. She couldn't tell him that she was afraid she would never get over the one true love of her life because he would ask her questions like why she felt she needed to get over Luke, who was supposed to be the love of her life. She thought of her Ryan and her heart started to hurt.

"I promise I won't be taking you to any bridges," he said with a slight smile. "Anything else?"

She looked at him, wondering if she should be telling him this. It wasn't much, but she didn't ever tell people what she was afraid of. It wasn't like she was telling him her deepest secrets and what she was truly, completely afraid of, but it was still something that she hadn't even told Luke. Finally she decided she could trust him enough to reveal one small thing. "Stormy nights."

He nodded and said, "I am too. Thunder scares me. It's loud and it wakes you up and you almost think the world is going to end." He paused and looked down at the space in between them. "Why are you afraid of it?"

She thought back to all those stormy nights when the electricity went off and she had to stop talking to Ryan. Thunder meant there was lightening and lightening meant the electricity might go off. The electricity going off meant no computer and no computer meant no Ryan. She bit her lip and softly said, "I agree...it felt like the world was going to end."

"It felt?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. "Or it feels?"

She mentally kicked herself for the slip. This Ryan guy was very observant. "Feels."

He studied her a moment and then nodded. "Okay."

Luke came back out, his hair wet and all messed up. "So, what are you two talking about?" he asked, sitting in between them.

Marissa rested her head on his shoulder and put one hand in his lap. "Nothing..."

"Just thunder," Ryan added. Marissa looked up to see he was still looking at her. Their eyes locked and for the life of her, she just didn't want to look away.

"Sounds...interesting," Luke said, a little sarcastically.

Marissa pulled her eyes from Ryan and looked at the TV. "Very."

_But you had me from "Hello"  
I felt love start to grow  
The moment that I looked into your eyes, you won me  
It was over from the start  
You completely stole my heart  
And now you won't let go  
I never even had a chance you know  
You had me from "Hello"_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**December 19, 2002**_

**RyMAt87: **So I have some news.

**MAC_12: **What?!

**RyMAt87: **We're moving!

**MAC_12: **Really? Where to? A different neighborhood?

**RyMAt87:** Um, no, actually. We're moving to Chino.

**MAC_12: **Oh.

**RyMAt87: **Yeah. This is actually my last night online for a while. My mom wants to pack the computer up tomorrow.

**MAC_12: **Are you serious? How long?

**RyMAt87: **We are moving next week. I'm assuming it's going to take at least a week to get the internet up, maybe more. My mom doesn't see it as a top priority.

**MAC_12: **This sucks. You guys have a house already?

**RyMAt87: **Yeah, mom's been looking for a long time.

**MAC_12: **Why didn't you ever tell me?

**RyMAt87: **I didn't want to jinx it.

**MAC_12: **So I'm a jinx now?**  
**

**RyMAt87: **You know you're not. What's going on with you?

**MAC_12: **Sorry if I can't be happy about you leaving me for at least two weeks.

**RyMAt87: **I thought you would be happy for me. This is a big deal. I can't wait to get out of this hell-hole.

**MAC_12: **I know...but...

**RyMAt87: **But what? What the hell is so important that you can't even be happy for me?

**MAC_12: **What about Christmas? And New Years? What about when I'm sick and tired of my parents and all these people? What do I do when you're not there?

**RyMAt87: **Riss, just cause I'm gone doesn't mean you can't talk to me.

**MAC_12:** What if you're gone for two weeks and then realize you don't need me anymore? What am I supposed to do then?

**RyMAt87: **You know that will never happen. I'm always going to come back. No matter how long I leave, I will ALWAYS come back.

**MAC_12: **Do you promise?

**RyMAt87: **Of course. How long are you going to be online tonight?

**MAC_12: **I don't know yet.

**RyMAt87: **I'll stay online as long as you want me to. I'll stay here all night if you want.

**RyMAt87: **Riss?

**RyMAt87: **It's been three hours. I'm going to bed. I hope you can forgive me for leaving. I guess I didn't think you would be this angry to just leave. Bye.

_**December 20, 2002**_

**MAC_12:** Ryan....my electricity went out. I'm not angry. I could never be angry at you. I spent the whole night hoping it would come back on, but it didn't. I'm so sorry, Ry. I'm so, so sorry. I'll miss you when you're gone. Please come back. Please forgive me. Please don't break your promise.

_That's all you said  
Somethin' in your voice caused me to turn my head  
You had me from "Hello"  
You had me from "Hello"  
Girl I've loved you from "Hello"_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Individual Replies:**

**kellybby:** Why thank you. I'm on the news/features editor, but hey, it's a start!

**Elly:** Thank you! I'm still at a low point, but I have my good days.

**Bwunnies:** Thanks.

**Elaine:** I'm glad you like it!

**oc_bunney: **Thank you for your concern!

**Sailaway: **haha, you care more about this editor thing than I do. I'm changing their birthdays so it's later in the year. Therefore, Ryan and Marissa stopped talking at 15 and are 18 going on 19.

**izzie: **Sorry for this bad chapter. I hope you still continue to read the story though.

**Hawksgirl2481: **Thank you! I'm glad you think so!

**Chase: **I do love new reviewers. Haha, I remember when I got the little notification for your review, I was wondering the exact same thing!

**G: **Good, I'm glad!

**Juzzy88: **It will develop a little more later. Nothing much really happened in this chapter.

**Hpfangurl12993: **When's your birthday?

**A:** I'm glad you think so!


	3. I Knew I Loved You

**A/N Hey.. so it's been forever. I'm really sorry. I was hospitalized in April for suicidal thoughts. If you want the whole story, email me or pm me or something. Long story short, things have been crazy since then. **

**This chapter is pretty short and I only have one flashback/IM thing in it, but I wanted to get this out here now rather than later when I lose my nerve..**

**Is there anyone still interested? Please review so I have an accurate estimate.**

_I knew I loved you before I met you_  
_I think I dreamed you into life_  
_I knew I loved you before I met you_  
_I have been waiting all my life_

- Savage Garden

After two weeks of college, Ryan still couldn't get over how breathtakingly beautiful his roommate's girlfriend was in person. With her long, light brown hair, tall, lean figure, and constantly changing eyes, Marissa Cooper was enough to make any sane gay or straight man stop in his tracks and stare. Hell, she'd probably made a few girls stare too. Whenever she walked into a room, Ryan had to remind himself how to breathe.

As it turned out, he actually shared a class with her. Imagine his surprise when, bright and early Monday morning he saw her walk into Professor Jenkins' Introduction to Psychology class. And imagine his surprise and incredible luck when the seat next to him was the only one available.

_He looked up just as Marissa walked in to the room. His breath caught in his throat as he observed her, unable to believe anyone could be so beautiful. He looked around the classroom but saw there was nowhere for her to sit. He looked at the empty seat next to him and smiled a little to himself, finally feeling like he had some sort of luck._

_She surveyed the room, her eyes finally falling upon him. He offered her a weak smile and waved her over. She hesitantly walked over to him and took the seat beside him. "I didn't know you were in this class," he said, trying to strike up some sort of conversation._

_She nodded. "I've always wanted to take a psychology course. I've been looking forward to this for years."_

_He thought back to all their conversations, not able to remember any instance when she talked about this. "Really?"_

_She nodded. "Yeah.." She seemed to debate whether or not she should go on. He stared at her intensely, hoping she would continue talking. He loved the sound of her voice. "It started when I was fifteen..." A sliver of pain flashed in her eyes. He wanted to reach out and touch her, let her know it was okay. That he was sorry. But he remained silent, knowing that they were in the past. "I guess I just became interested in people and their thoughts. I started researching things like depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia.." She trailed off and tucked a strand of hair behind her hair. "I've actually never told Luke any of this. I mean, I've tried, but he always changed the subject."_

_He smiled at her. "I love psychology. I love studying how different people deal with different things. It's crazy to me how things can either make someone stronger, or completely crush them."_

_Marissa nodded and looked at him oddly. "Yeah.. That's exactly how I feel.." She seemed uncomfortable. He opened his mouth to speak, but shut it when the professor walked into the room and started speaking. He spent the whole class wondering what Marissa thought about their newfound common interest._

Since he had no friends other than Luke here, he usually just spent his nights studying and reading old messages from Marissa. It was like high school all over again, except now he had met Marissa in the flesh. He sighed as he walked back to his dorm room. He knew that he would be alone since Luke had a full day of classes today and Marissa never stopped by without knowing for sure if Luke was there.

He sighed to himself again. He was so bored with his lifestyle already. College was supposed to be fun, wasn't it? Instead he spent his time hung up over a girl he had said goodbye to years ago. A girl who, for some reason, didn't like him. A girl who didn't even know who he truly was. He ran a hand through his sandy blonde hair and decided to sit under a tree instead of going to his room. Maybe some fresh air would be good for him. He plopped himself down on the grass and looked out at the expanse of land in front of him. It was a beautiful campus. He really could appreciate the architecture and neatly kept land. If only the rest of his life could be so peaceful.

"Things happen for a reason," he reminded himself – his motto since the incident with Theresa. He must have spoken out loud because a guy stopped in front of him, looking at him curiously. He had dark, curly hair and brown eyes.

The stranger smirked and said, "Talking to yourself, huh? Did the semester already start driving you insane? I hear increased stress does that to some people."

Ryan let out a short laugh and said, "No, not quite."

The stranger shrugged and smiled. "That's good. Really good. If you can't get through the first two weeks, then what can you get through, right? I mean, the professors are only going to get stricter, and the homework is only going to pile up. The jokes...oh God...those jokes are going to get worse." He paused, then asked, "You know what I'm talking about?"

Ryan looked at him, slightly confused. "Um...no..."

The stranger seemed to finally understand. "Ah, that's why you haven't been driven insane yet. The jokes, man! The professors' jokes! They're all 'Look at me, I'm so funny' but it's like 'um, no man, you're really not.'" The stranger stopped and caught his breath for a moment. Then he shook his head. "They're driving _me _insane. Stupid jokes. I knew a guy like that once. He thought he was hilarious. He so wasn't. He was a disgrace to entertainers across the globe." He paused. "Oh, I didn't introduce myself. I'm Seth Cohen."

Seth stuck out his hand for Ryan to shake, and Ryan hesitated a moment before grasping it firmly. "I'm Ryan Atwood."

Seth nodded and said, "Yeah, I know." Ryan raised an eyebrow, now suspicious of this Seth guy. Seth must have caught on because he immediately added, "No, no, no. Nothing like that. I have class with you and Luke. Professor Hendrick. I sit behind you guys. I heard him say your name. I'm not a stalker or anything."

Ryan was still suspicious. "How do you know Luke?"

"We are both Harbor High survivors," Seth informed him. He rolled his eyes. "At least I am. I don't think that Mr. Water Polo had to survive anything but partying and getting his way all the time."

Ryan was now very interested. "So...you guys both went to school together?" His mind started to wander. If Seth knew Luke, then he probably knew Marissa. If he knew Marissa, maybe he could fill Ryan in on what he missed the past three years.

Seth nodded. "Yeah, but Luke and I were in totally different circles. Luke was the popular athlete, but I was..." Seth thought about it, then bitterly smiled. "Well, I actually didn't have a circle. I was sort of a loner."

"Oh," Ryan said, a little disappointed. He had hoped that Seth could give him the information he desperately wanted about Marissa. Information she refused to reveal herself.

Seth nodded, then sighed. "Sorry for interrupting your...conversation with yourself..." He turned to leave. "I'll let you get back to that now. Sorry again."

He had a feeling that he might regret it in the future, but right now he didn't want Seth to leave. Other than Luke, he had no one to talk to. He was, as pathetic as it sounded, lonely. Besides, Seth seemed like a decent guy. Maybe a little weird, but decent nonetheless. "Seth...wait."

Seth paused and slowly turned around. "Um...yeah?" he asked, obviously confused.

Ryan gave a small smile. "It seems you have this whole college, insane professor thing figured out. Care to share a few tips?"

Seth smiled widely and sat down. "It would be my pleasure."

_**May 28, 1999**_

**RyMAt87:** So what do you want to talk about today? Any funny stories?

**MAC_12: **Um, can you choose the topic? I'm not really in the mood to generate one myself.

**RyMAt87: **What's wrong?

**MAC_12:** It's nothing. I'm fine.

**RyMAt87**: We may have only talked for about a month, but I know when something's bothering you. Do you not want to tell me because you don't trust me or something? Because I guess I could understand that.

**MAC_12:** No, I trust you Ryan. I just.. Ugh, I promised myself I wouldn't cry..

**RyMAt87:** Marissa, what's wrong? You can tell me.

**MAC_12:** My parents have been fighting a lot lately. Yesterday my dad told us he was packing up and finding a new place to live. He leaves tomorrow. Apparently he's been looking for a while.

**RyMAt87:** Wow. Um.. I'm really sorry.. I had no idea.

**MAC_12:** It's not your fault. I have to go um, do stuff. So.. bye.

**RyMAt87:** Um.. bye..

_**May 30, 1999**_

**RyMAt87: **Marissa? Are you okay?

_**May 31, 1999**_

RyMAt87: Hey, look...I'm really worried about you. I know you're going through some stuff right now, but I want you to know that I'm here if you need to talk. Now, I know that's not exactly what you need, but I just want you to know that if all else fails, you can ALWAYS talk to me, alright? ….

Marissa Cooper felt uneasy. There was something about Luke's roommate that made her feel like her stomach was upset, but not in a sick way, just in an uneasy way. She didn't know how to explain it, but something about him made her feel like it was hot in a room even though the air conditioner was blasting, and that unsettled her. She had never felt that way before. Well, never with someone that she had actually met.

She sighed and placed her book down on her desk, her thoughts drifting to a different Ryan entirely. Her Ryan. The Ryan who left her with no explanation or chance. She felt a familiar ache in her chest and bit her lip, feeling a pain just as, if not stronger, than the pain she felt the day she read that final message from him. The burning in the back of her eyes was like an old companion she'd become accustomed to, though an unwelcome one. She blinked quickly, willing herself not to shed another tear over him, not today.

She attempted to work a little longer, still distracted by Ryan and what could have been. She finally gave up and sat back in her chair, closing her eyes and remembering her favorite conversations from him. She had read over them so much in the years since his absence that she could remember what he said word for word in some instances. She smiled, like she often did when she remembered the good times.

She was interrupted from her thoughts by the beeping of her cellphone. She looked at the screen and saw it was from Luke. She bit her lip, feeling guilty for thinking so much about another guy when she already had a boyfriend. "Hey," she said into the receiver.

"Hey babe. You coming over tonight?" Luke asked.

She looked at her desk, the scattered papers and unfinished math problem right in front of her. "Um, yeah, sure I guess..."

"Great. Ryan's going to be off hanging out with a friend he made. Some Sid Cohen or something..."

Marissa furrowed her eyebrows. "Seth Cohen?"

"Yeah, that's it." Luke paused, then asked, "Wait, how'd you know that?"

She rolled her eyes. It figured that Luke didn't know who Seth Cohen was. Marissa used to hang out with Seth and Brett for a little bit, when Brett got over his loner phase after he started talking to her. Then she started dating Luke and she stopped talking to Seth as much, though they did talk at events and social gatherings for the school or whatever charity their mothers decided to hold a benefit for that week. "He went to Harbor with us, Luke."

Luke processed this for a moment. "So he went to school with us? Really?"

Marissa sometimes forgot how much of an idiot her boyfriend could be. "Yes, Luke. I was actually friends with him."

"Well I'll be damned," Luke muttered. Then he added, "Anyway, so the place is going to be empty. I was thinking that we could...you know..."

Marissa's body froze. She so didn't feel like having this conversation with him right now. "Luke..."

He either didn't hear her or ignored her, though she knew it was probably the latter. "I mean, we've been together a while now, and I've been very patient. And we're in love, right?"

"Luke, we're not having sex tonight," she firmly stated.

He groaned. "Why? It's been forever already..."

She sighed and softly said, "I'm not ready, Luke. You know that."

His voice was laced with anger as he said, "Come on. You're not ready after all this time? Will you ever be ready?"

She sighed. "Of course I will, Luke, but I'm just not right now, okay?"

He was quiet for a long time, so long that she wondered if he hung up, until he finally said, "Okay, fine."

She let out a breath. "Please don't be mad."

She heard his heavy breathing on the other side of the line and wondered how angry he looked. "I'm not angry, Marissa, just disappointed. You don't understand how long I've been waiting to finally prove myself worthy of having you..."

She softened just the tiniest bit. "What do you mean?"

He let out a small laugh. "You're so much better than me in so many ways. I don't know...I just want to show you that I'm not a complete waste of your time, and I kind of hope that I can show it to you that way..." He paused before adding, "I promise I'll be really careful with you and make it good for you."

She smiled. "Luke, you don't have to prove anything to me. And if you do, sex isn't the only way to do it."

"I know, but it's the only thing that I can think of that can mean as much to you." He sighed. "I just feel like I'm going to lose you. I mean, we're in a new place with new guys...who's to say you won't like one of them better than me?"

"What does having sex to do with that?"

He remained silent while he found the words to express his thoughts. "Well, it's like this: I know that sex is important to you, and I want to be the guy you share it with. I want to show you through sex that you don't need any of those others..."

She rolled her eyes again. "Luke, we're still not having sex."

He sighed. "Fine, okay, see you later."

Marissa hung up and sighed to herself. It always annoyed her when Luke brought up sex like that. He wanted so badly to just get into her pants, but she honestly wasn't ready. There was only one person she had ever wanted to give her virginity to, but she never had the chance.

On impulse she grabbed her purse and left, deciding she needed fresh air. She walked on the campus for a while lost in thought. She thought of Ryan once again and her heart ached. She missed him so much.

She heard her name being called. She turned to the familiar voice and found Seth Cohen dorkily smiling at her. She looked to his left and was met by intense blue eyes. Her heart beat hard against her chest as she stared back at him with the same intensity. What was it about Ryan Atwood that drew her in?

She tore her eyes from his and looked back towards Seth. She smiled and said, "Hey Seth, long time no see."

Seth nodded. "Yeah, because of your boyfriend," he bitterly retorted.

She lost her smile. "Look, I'm sorry about him.. about high school." She glanced at Ryan out of the corner of her eyes, wondering what he thought about this exchange. If Seth had told him anything. She hoped for her sake he hadn't. "I didn't mean.."

Seth cut her off with a wave of the hand. "Marissa, please. I'm over it." He shrugged. "I just don't understand what you see in the guy is all. Brett agrees."

Marissa blushed against her will. "Um.. he does?"

Seth nodded. "Yeah, he's just too nice to tell you.." Seth looked over at Ryan. "So you two know each other, right?"

Ryan and Marissa's eyes met once more and for the life of her she couldn't speak. His eyes reminded her of an ocean and she felt herself sinking into the depths. He opened his mouth and in his deep, mysterious voice said, "Yeah, through Luke."

Seth looked at his watch. "Well, that's good. I'm sorry to leave you buddy, but I've got physics in like ten minutes." He looked at Marissa. "Keep him company, ok? He's more vulnerable than you think."

Ryan glared at Seth. "Seth, go to class and shut up."

Seth laughed. "What? It's true." He mumbled his goodbyes and then walked off.

Marissa looked at Ryan curiously. Vulnerable? Ryan must have read her mind because he quickly said, "Seth's just messing with you. I'm not.. vulnerable.." Much to her amusement, he seemed embarrassed.

She bit her lip to keep from smiling. "Well, just in case you are.. do you want to hang out or something?"

His eyes shot up and looked at her. The intensity was back. "I thought we didn't do that." He must have sensed her confusion because he quickly added, "Hang out.. or talk.." He trailed off. "Or anything, really."

She bit her lip again, but this time to hide her own embarrassment. "I'm sorry about that.. I'm just.. shy."

He stared at her for a few seconds, then nodded, accepting her excuse. "It's fine, I just don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything. I could go back to my room and do homework or something. I don't want you to feel like you have to keep me company just because of Seth, or because of Luke either for that matter."

She looked at him for a long moment, debating what to do. She could ignore him like she had been doing, pushing away her curiosity; or she could push away her uneasiness and find out what it was about him that made her want to know everything about him. Against her better judgment she said, "Do you want to go get lunch or something? I know a really great little diner."

He smiled widely, the first real, genuine, carefree one she had ever seen on his face. She had to admit, it was pretty amazing. "I'd like that."


	4. Tearin Up My Heart

**A/N Sorry it's been a while, but hey, I kept it under a year this time ;) Seriously though, I've been uber busy and somewhat obsessed with Megamind (ok, REALLY obsessed with it). Thanks to all who Pmed, emailed or offered good wishes – it means a lot. There are fewer people reading than there used to be, so I guess we'll see how this goes. If you read, please review. I just want to know if I should continue. R/R, thanks.**

About a month later Ryan and Seth were hanging out in Seth's dorm room playing video games when Seth randomly asked, "So what's the deal with you and Marissa?"

Ryan nearly choked on his Dr. Pepper he was currently taking a drink of. He set the drink down on the floor beside him and swallowed slowly. "Um.. what do you mean?"

Seth paused the game and looked over at Ryan, raising his eyebrows. "Come on, man. There's obviously something going on with her."

Ryan looked at Seth uneasily. "Why do you say that?"

Seth turned so he was completely facing Ryan. "You two look at each other like you're the only ones in the room, even when her boyfriend is right beside her. You're always together. You're always talking to her." Ryan's phone beeped. Both boys turned to look at it. Seth sighed. "And I bet you that's her right now texting you."

Ryan reached for his phone. "You're overexaggerating." He slid open his phone and saw that Seth was right: Marissa had just sent him a text. He couldn't help the smile that formed on his face at her words; "Sooo bored. Plz help :(." He looked up at Seth who rolled his eyes. "What?"

"She has a boyfriend, man," Seth said quietly, giving his friend a serious look.

Ryan looked down at the phone in his hands as he softly said, "I know."

Seth was quiet for a minute. "Then why did you let yourself fall in love with her?" Ryan's eyes jumped to Seth's face. Before he could say anything, Seth opened his mouth. "It's so obvious by the way you look at her and talk to her, Ryan. Ever since the first time we ran into her, which makes no sense, by the way, since you had only known her for two weeks."

Ryan sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I'm not.."

Seth cut him off. "Ryan, don't deny it."

Ryan looked at Seth and nodded. "I know. I wasn't going to say that." He paused to make sure that Seth was following. Seth just nodded and kept his mouth shut. "I'm not sure where to start."

"The beginning would be nice."

Ryan leaned back against the couch. Seth's dorm was decorated similarly to his own with two separate bedrooms, a mini-kitchen and main living area. The dorm was only occupied by Seth himself, so Ryan didn't have to worry about anyone overhearing his story; he just didn't know if he was ready to actually form the words outloud. He had never told anyone about Marissa – even Theresa. The thought of coming out and openly speaking about it made him uneasy and sick to his stomach. Marissa had always been his own little secret, one that he didn't know if he wanted to share. He looked in Seth's direction and caught his dark haired friend's waiting eyes. "If I tell you, you can't ever tell anyone," Ryan said slowly.

Seth nodded and said, "I wasn't planning on it. Besides, who would I tell?"

Ryan remembered Seth's talks about Brett, Marissa's best friend. The first time Seth had spoken of the guy, Ryan's blood had boiled with a jealousy he had never experienced before – even with Luke. Something about Marissa having a best friend she confided everything in made him upset; the fact that her new best friend was a guy didn't help.

Apparently Seth, Marissa and Brett had all been friends at one time before Luke became involved. Then it was Brett and Marissa, Seth and Brett, and Marissa and Luke. Since Seth was close to Brett and Brett was extremely close to Marissa, Ryan knew that in essence, anything he said could get relayed back to Marissa. The thought of Brett informing Marissa that he, Ryan Atwood, was her old best friend, Ryan Mckenzie made him hesitate. He couldn't lose Marissa, not again, and that's what his previous thoughts would lead to.

"Brett," Ryan said quietly.

Seth's eyes brightened with understanding. "Ryan, I wouldn't. Especially with something like this." He was quiet for a moment. "You can trust me."

Ryan sighed. "That's what I was afraid of." Seth looked at him, confused. Ryan ran a hand through his shaggy hair. "Marissa and I met on the message boards for a show when we were both twelve. We talked for three years. She thought my last name was Mckenzie though and she never saw a picture of me." He paused, observing Seth's baffled expression before continuing. "I moved when I was fifteen to Chino, which is where I've lived the last three years. Things got tense then between us. Neither of us were online at the same time anymore. We always seemed to arguing." Ryan thought back to all those years ago and tried to ignore the aching in his heart. It was never easy to think about it.

He continued. "One day I decided that it would be best for her if I left. I debated it for days on end, always unsure of whether I should go through with it or not. Finally, she sent me a message that made me sure. One where she basically in her own words talked about how I ruined her life." He looked at his hands, in so much pain that his voice came out in almost a whisper. "The next day we were ironically online at the same time. I told her I was going to leave. So I did. And I never came back." He took a few minutes to continue, his throat constricting so he couldn't speak. If ever he were the crying type, now would be the time to let the tears fall.

"She sent me an email a couple of days later. Said that she loved me – was IN love with me. I had loved her for three years, since before I even hit puberty. What she was telling me was all I ever wanted to hear from her. But I knew that if I went back, things would never be the same, and besides, she was better off without some low life like me. She had so much potential." Ryan looked back at his phone, remembering her text. He saw that she had texted again. He opened it up. _Guess ur busy :( txt when u can._

"When I got here I immediately recognized her. It was like a dream come true, except sometimes it feels like a nightmare." He let out a frustrated sigh. "I can talk to her, I can laugh with her, I can hang out with her all I want – but she's no longer mine. And she never will be. She doesn't even know I'm the guy she fell in love with all those years ago. And then there's Luke."

Ryan was quiet for a long time and Seth took this as his opportunity to speak. "So you mean to tell me that you're 'the guy'?"

Ryan looked at Seth confusedly, raising an eyebrow. "What guy?"

Seth stood up and started pacing. "This all makes so much sense now. Why she never told me about it and why she always got so emotional when watching_ You've Got Mail_. No one knew this guy that she had apparently been in love with. She just said that he was from some other school, that we had never met him and probably never would. You're the guy."

Ryan was still confused. "I'm still not following."

Seth sighed exasperatedly. "Brett said that Marissa had gotten out of a complicated relationship and that's why she was always so depressed." At the word depressed, Ryan felt a twinge in his chest. "But he would never tell me who it was or the whole story behind it. When I asked Marissa about it, she and Brett shared this look and she told me that he went to another school and it was over now. She always seemed really weird, like she was hiding something, which I knew she was. You're the guy. I finally figured it out!" Seth sat back down. "But – Ryan, she loved this guy desperately. You could see it all over her face. All you have to do is get her to check an email or go anywhere near a computer and you can see it. You should just tell her, man." Seth looked at him intently. "I mean, what's the worst that could happen?"

Ryan sighed and leaned back against Seth's sofa, closing his eyes. "I could lose her again."

_June 10, 2003_

**RyMAt87: **Hey. We're both online at the same time :)

**MAC_12: **Yay.

**RyMAt87: **Hey.. what's wrong?

**MAC_12: **Nothing.

**RyMAt87: **We've only talked for three years. I think I know you by now. Now come on, spill. What's on your mind?**  
**

**MAC_12: **Ryan, really, just let it go.

**RyMAt87: **Riss. Come on. I want to know. Don't you trust me?

**MAC_12: **I don't want to hurt you.

**RyMAt87: **If you don't tell me you're already going to be hurting me.

**MAC_12: **I'm getting tired of this.

**RyMAt87: **Of what?

**MAC_12: **This. We're never online at the same time anymore.

**RyMAt87: **I know, Riss. It's only temporary though, you know that. Soon we'll be talking a lot like we used to. It'll just take a little time.

**MAC_12: **How much time, Ryan? I already spend all my available time on the computer pathetically waiting for you to reply while everyone else has actual friends.

**RyMAt87: **Oh, so I'm not an actual friend now?

**MAC_12:** You know what I mean.

**RyMAt87: **How long have you been feeling this way?**  
**

**MAC_12: **I don't know. On and off since you moved to Chino.

**RyMAt87: **Huh.

**MAC_12: **Ryan, please don't be mad. I was just telling you how I feel.

**RyMAt87: **Thanks.

**MAC_12: **Ryan, don't do this. Come on, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I just miss you so much is all.

**RyMAt87: **Forget about it. Hey, look, I have to go.

**MAC_12: **Already? You just got here.

**RyMAt87: **Mom said I have to go help her with something. I'll try to be back soon, ok?

**MAC_12: **Oh. Ok.

Marissa Cooper sat on her bed trying not to stare at her phone. She flipped through her psychology textbook, trying to pay attention and read it, but her mind kept drifting back to her quiet phone. She decided to pick it up and slide it open once more to see if maybe she had missed his text. She saw a picture of Luke and sighed, disappointed. Ryan hadn't replied yet. It had been over an hour.

She threw her phone on her bed and lay her head down on the pillow, letting out a long, deep sigh. She looked up at the ceiling and ran a hand over her face. Her thoughts drifted to the blond hair blue eyed roommate of her boyfriend. Her BOYFRIEND, she reminded herself. So why was she feeling this way?

Their relationship was completely innocent, but that was the problem, wasn't it? He was always so nice and careful with her. They could talk and have fun without it being awkward; they could sit next to each other without her getting mauled by his lips. She could go to a restaurant with him and just relax without worrying whether she was saying or doing the right thing. It was just Ryan – her boyfriend's roommate – the guy in her psychology class – her _friend_.

It wasn't that things were complicated or dramatic. Hell, it wasn't even that Luke was jealous; Luke trusted them completely and even encouraged the two to hang out together while he was off with his own friends. She figured that this way Luke could keep an eye on her by having her watched by his roommate, but Marissa honestly didn't mind. She liked getting to know Ryan. She genuinely enjoyed his company. So why was she so confused?

Maybe it had to do with the fact that he scared her in an odd way. She wasn't terrified for her life, but she was terrified of how much she enjoyed spending time with him. She hadn't enjoyed truly talking to anyone as much as Ryan since another Ryan entirely, and that was beyond comfortable.

_She peeked at him over her menu, quietly observing his features. His shaggy hair fell in his blue eyes. His expression was guarded, almost as if he didn't want her to see how he felt. For some reason unbeknown to her, she discovered that she wanted to know what he was feeling; she wanted him to open up. "So.. what are you going to get?" she asked him, wanting to get him talking._

_He kept his eyes on the menu. "I don't know.. Maybe some pancakes. This place has 24 hour breakfast, right?"_

_She looked at the menu and nodded. "Yeah." When Ryan didn't say anything more, she put her menu down and placed her hands in her lap. "Pancakes sound good." Ryan's eyes glanced over at her and he offered a small half smile before diverting his eyes back down to his menu. She awkwardly played with her hands in her lap, wondering what she could do to make this less weird. She had been curious about him since she first met him but he never seemed willing to offer up any information. _

_Ryan placed his menu down and looked up at her, his eyes locking with her. Her heart skipped a beat; she felt herself blush slightly. "So.." he said quietly, tilting his head and smiling softly. His eyes sparkled when he looked at her. She tried to speak but for the life of her couldn't find any words. He seemed to sense this and took control. "How are you liking Psychology?"_

_It wasn't an exciting topic, but it was something. "I think it's okay so far. I don't know, I'm just getting into the college state of mind." She fiddled with her fingers. "What about you?"_

_He shrugged. "I'm really enjoying it. I love college." He paused, looking down at his own hands on the table. "It's a lot better than school back home."_

"_You're from Chino, right?" She asked, excited by this opening. He merely nodded. When he looked back up at her his eyes were guarded again. "What was it like there?"_

_He looked down at his hands again. She followed his gaze and saw that he was clenching his fists. "Small, crowded, gray..." He diverted his eyes to survey the room. After a minute he spoke again. "Not really much to talk about."_

_She bit her lip, wondering if it was appropriate to ask more questions. Her Ryan had lived in Chino. She knew very little about it, but from what she did know, it wasn't a nice place. She decided to just go for it; she wanted to know about this Chino that her best friend had lived in. Who knows, maybe he still did. "I used to have a friend who lived in Chino."_

_He nodded, not meeting her eye. "You mentioned that before."_

_She was surprised he remembered. She brushed a strand of hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear. "Um.. yeah."_

_He didn't look up at her as he asked, "So.. Tell me about this friend."_

_It was now her turn to look down. "What about him?"_

"_So.. it was a guy," He commented. She silently cursed herself for giving away a piece of information about Ryan. He was always her secret, except for with Brett._

_She breathed out. "Yeah, it was a guy. So what?"_

_Her hands were now on the table picking at the menu. He reached out and placed a hand over hers and she looked up to see him intently staring at her. She felt like he was looking into her soul, but she just couldn't look away. The way her stared at her made her feel powerless before him, like she was sinking – into what, she didn't know. All that she did know was that she had never felt this way with anyone before and it completely terrified her. "I was just trying to find out more about you, Riss."_

_She blushed deeply. "Um.. Riss?"_

_His cheeks turned slightly red and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, it just slipped out.."_

_She smiled shyly and said, "It's fine. You can call me that.." She trailed off, then added, "Ry." He grinned and from then on things weren't awkward anymore._

Marissa was pulled out of her memories by the sound of her phone. She looked at it for a moment before quickly picking it up, sliding it open and checking the name. Ryan had finally texted her back: _srry, talking with Seth. Whats up?_

She knew it was wrong, but she couldn't stop the twinge of jealousy in her stomach from the thought of him talking to Seth and not her. She supposed it stemmed from the fact that her previous Ryan had been all hers pretty much all the time, until the end, that is. She didn't like to really share her really close friends after that; it took a long time to get used to Brett dating her sister. Still, she knew it was wrong to feel this way, especially when she so obviously had Luke.

She bit her lip and replied: _Nothing much. Was just kinda lonely._

Was it wrong to say that? She wondered for a moment if he would take it the wrong way. It wasn't a slutty invitation, it was her true emotion. She was pulled from her thoughts a minute later when he quickly responded. _Want me too come over?_

She smiled slightly to herself. She did miss his company. She felt so comfortable around him and it wasn't like Luke was around to keep her company. She bit her lip, wondering if she should let him. Maybe her feelings for him were too much for now. There was no denying the spark between them, the chemistry. More than once they were out walking together and she'd look at him and lose her breath. She was almost scared to be with him, yet she didn't want to be away from him. She was so confused, so conflicted.

Her phone beeped again. _I could bring over a movie. The Notebook?_

The smile on her face widened. She knew that she would invite him over and she'd feel those familiar wonderful feelings that she always had when she was around him; she knew she would be scared. However, she knew that she was helpless – she couldn't stop it. She was a prisoner to these feelings and she loved it.

_August 18, 2002_

**MAC_12: **Hey, do you want to see a picture of me?

**RyMAt87: **Um, sure. I can't show you one though. I don't have a scanner.. or even a camera, at that.

**MAC_12: **Oh, it's ok. I just thought I'd show you one. I'll email it to you.

**RyMAt87:** Ok.

**MAC_12: **It's me at the beach a couple of days ago. Did you get it?

**RyMAt87: **Yeah, I got it.

**MAC_12: **So, what do you think?

**RyMAt87: **I never knew you were so beautiful.

**MAC_12: **Um.. thanks.

**RyMAt87:** I'm sorry if that's weird to say, you're just really pretty.

**MAC_12:** I'm ok, I guess.

**RyMAt87**: Whatever guy marries you is going to be one lucky man. I bet you've been hit on a lot.

**MAC_12:** Ry, I'm only fourteen.

**RyMAt87: **So? A girl like you? You'd have no problems finding a guy.

**MAC_12: **Well, I don't want someone who just cares about how I look. I want someone smart and funny and caring. Someone who gets me. Someone who would put anything and everything aside for me. That's the kind of guy I want.

**RyMAt87: **Good, you deserve nothing less.

**MAC_12:** Thanks.

**RyMAt87:** Don't mention it.

Ryan stood outside Marissa's door nervously holding _The Notebook_. His heart was pounding hard in his chest knowing that she was on the other side of the door waiting for him. That they would spend the next couple of hours together. _Keep yourself together, Atwood,_ he thought to himself. _She has a boyfriend._

He raised his hand and gently knocked on the door, swallowing the forming lump in his throat. Marissa called out that she'd be there in just a minute and Ryan started to think this was a bad idea. After his talk with Seth he realized that he was so madly in love with Marissa that it was wrong. He'd known he loved her, but he didn't realize how much until he spilled out all this secrets to Seth. Now that he was aware of just how invested in this girl he was, he knew that things between them couldn't ever be simple. He'd always be so vulnerable, so easily able to be hurt.

Every thought flew from his head when she swung the door open breathlessly. Her hair was wet and she was currently running a brush through it. She was wearing a pink tank top and sweats; no makeup littered her face. She looked just as beautiful as ever. She smiled and moved aside for him to walk in. "Did you bring the movie?"

He looked at her and swallowed hard, his face instantly breaking into a warm, soft smile as his eyes met hers. "Of course." As he walked farther into the apartment, he decided that he was so screwed. But as he sat down on the couch and the movie started playing and Marissa rested her head on his shoulder, he decided that he was completely okay with it.

**I think I'm going to end it there. I can't seem to pull another chat thing from my head. I hope you enjoyed it.**

**Thanks to mrs-oats, Juzzy88, FireBluez1115, tcsportsmed7, OTHOC23, journey 17 and Anna for your reviews.**


	5. Author's Note

A/N I tried to delete the last author's note, but now you guys can't review the new chapter, so this is basically just filling up space so you can in fact review the new chapter. Please review if you haven't already :)


	6. Mind Playin Tricks on Me

**A/N I posted again! Thank you for all your lovely reviews. If you keep up the amazing feedback, I will surely complete this story :) **

**This chapter is MUCH shorter than the other ones and there isn't a lot of R/M time, but please review anyway. Without reviews, I seriously have no motivation to write whatsoever.**

**R/R, thanks!**

_**October 19, 2000**_

**MAC_12: **Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to Ryan... happy birthday to you!

**RyMAt87**: Um.. thanks..

**MAC_12:** Aw, come on, don't be a downer. It's your birthday. Your thirteenth birthday. You are now a teenager. How does it feel?

**RyMAt87:** Oddly familiar.

**MAC_12:** So, have you hit puberty yet?

**RyMAt87:** Well, what do you mean by puberty?

**MAC_12: **Changing voice?

**RyMAt87:** Yep. Squeaking and squawking and everything in between.

**MAC_12:** Hairy?

**RyMAt87: **I shaved my peach fuzz the other day.

**MAC_12: **How about hair in those other places? Arm pits? Chest.

**RyMAt87:** Yes, and a few on the chest. Not too many, but definitely getting there.

**MAC_12: **What about smell?

**RyMAt87:** I make sure to wear deodorant. I live by proper hygiene.

**MAC_12: **Well, I guess there's only one thing left then that we haven't covered.

**RyMAt87:** And what is that?

**MAC_12:** Had any interesting dreams lately?

**RyMAt87**: Uh...

**MAC_12**: Anything particularly... naughty?

**RyMAt87**: Oh god.

**MAC_12:** Any surprises in the morning?

**RyMAt87: **I refuse to talk about this with you.

**MAC_12: **Oh my gosh, you have totally had one!

**RyMAt87:** Riss! Stop!

**MAC_12:** My best friend Ryan has had his first wet dream already. He's grown up so fast!

**RyMAt87: **This is awkward.

**MAC_12:** Ok, ok, I'll stop. But only cause it's your birthday.

**RyMAt87: **Thank you.

**MAC_12:** Although...

**RyMAt87:** I'm going to regret this. What do you want to ask?

**MAC_12:** Who'd you dream about ;)

**RyMAt87:** If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

Ryan's birthday was October 19. The moment his eyes opened he felt an immediate pang in his heart. He lay in bed for half an hour before summoning up enough courage and strength to climb out of bed and get dressed. All he could think about as he slowly showered and dressed himself was how much he hated today, how much he had lost, how much he ached inside at the mere thought of a loss so large it feels like it ripped him right down the center.

He sat at the table he and Luke had both pitched in to buy eating frosted mini wheats silently. Luke's snores could be heard in the other room. Light barely peaked through their blinds. It wasn't even seven yet, yet he was exhausted from there mere hour he had been awake. It wasn't the early hour, but the strain of what today held and meant and made him remember that turned his energy level dangerously low

Ryan's birthday was October 19, but that wasn't the only notable anniversary of the day. It was also the day he faced the second most significant loss in his life; the death of his unborn child. And that thing alone was enough to make him want to hole himself up in his room and leave.

He avoided everyone that day, even Marissa. Especially Marissa. He made the excuse that he had to do some things and just upped and left, not returning until way past midnight, both drunk and completely depressed.

He spent his day walking around aimlessly, wondering what to do, what to say, where he could go, what could possibly make the aching in his chest disappear. Everything seemed to remind him of his loss; the children screaming and laughing at the playground, a child walking down the street, hand tightly grasping their parent's as they make their way in front of cars, the children's menu in a diner he stopped into when he was too exhausted to walk anymore.

He found himself alone at a bar before the clock even struck eight that night. Men around him smoked and drank silently, everyone absorbed in their own story. He ordered a shot, then another and another until his head felt fuzzy and the world was slightly blurred and his stomach was warm from the burning tequila sloshing around in it.

He took a cab back to the campus later that night, drunkenly stumbling to the dorm he shared with Luke. By now he was physically drained as well as emotionally lagging, feeling that he was unable to keep his eyes open for even another tenth of a second. He opened the door and walked into the main room noisily, not noticing her at first.

He found Marissa curled up on the couch. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust, but when he saw it was her, he stopped in his tracks. Her body was curled almost in the fetal position and she looked cold in her sweatpants and sweatshirt. Upon closer look, he could tell she was shivering.

"Riss?" he slurred, stumbling over to the couch. He sat on the edge of the coffee table and gently brushed the hair from her face. "Riss?" he tried again, watching her eyes slowly flutter open.

It took her a moment to focus, but when she saw him, she immediately jumped up and threw her arms around his neck. "Oh my god, I've been so worried about you."

Everything he had tried to fight for the last twenty hours suddenly came crashing down and he wrapped his arms around her tightly, burying his face in her neck. He knew she had a boyfriend; he knew she was taken. But he also knew that he was her best friend, the love of his life, and the only person who had ever lost something so precious and dear to them that it literally ripped them in two.

She pulled away from him and her eyes scanned up and down his body for any visible signs of distress. "You smell like beer and cigarettes," she softly accused, looking into his eyes to see if her assumptions were correct. Since they were, he didn't bother saying anything else, just looked at her quietly, his eyes speaking the words his mouth couldn't form. "Where were you?" she finally asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I.." he started, ready to give her his prepared lie; he had gone out drinking with some of his old friends. He had met new friends and they invited him to play poker. He had decided to go out for a night on the town with a few of 'the boys.' But looking into her deep blue eyes and worried expression, the lie died upon his lips, just on the tip of his tongue. Instead, he told her the partial truth: "I needed to be on my own for a little while."

She stared at him for a long time, assessing his words. Finally, she softly said, "I was so worried."

A million thoughts flew into his head at her words: don't you have a boyfriend; aren't you supposed to pay more attention to him; if you're so concerned, why don't you choose me? But staring at her worried expression in the darkness, he found himself apologizing. "I know, I'm sorry."

She hugged him tightly again, whispering into his ear. "Never leave again without telling me."

He thought of all those years ago when he promised the exact same thing. He remembered what happened the last time. Tightening his grip on her, he softly murmured, "I won't."

_**January 20, 2002**_

**RyMAt87: **Guess who's back :)

**MAC_12: **Oh my gosh, you're back.

**RyMAt87: **Don't sound so surprised. How have you been? Tell me everything that I've missed.

**MAC_12:** You really haven't missed much of anything.

**RyMAt87: **Come on, Riss, we haven't talked in a month.

**MAC_12: **You think I don't know that already?

**RyMAt87: **Hey, what's wrong?

**MAC_12: **What did you expect when you got back, Ryan? You missed out on my life for a month. An entire month for christ's sakes. Do you know how horrible it's been without you? How much I worried?

**RyMAt87**: Riss, you had nothing to worry about though.

**MAC_12**: Do you not understand? You were gone for a month. You said it would take a couple of weeks. You said that you'd be back as soon as you could.

**RyMAt87**: It took a little longer than I thought to get everything up and running. And I did come back as soon as I could. The cable guy literally just left and the minute he left, I jumped on the computer and logged on. Give me some credit. Don't you think I've missed you too?

**MAC_12**: Pfft, right.

**RyMAt87**:L Hey, that hurts and you know it.

**MAC_12**: Sorry.

**RyMAt87**: You say it was hard for you. What about me? A whole month in a new place without my best friend to talk to? Do you realize how vital you are to my well-being? My mom thought there was a problem with me. She almost took me to the doctor. Woman would've probably had me committed if I didn't smile when she brought up the idea of being able to watch tv again. Of course, watching tv means a phone and an internet connection, which means you.

**MAC_12**: So what are you saying?

**RyMAt87**: What does it seem like I'm saying? I missed you silly girl. Way too much.

**MAC_12**: I missed you too, Ry. I'm sorry for seeming like such a bitch. I guess I'm defensive.

**RyMAt87**: Now why on earth would you ever be defensive with me? It's me, remember? We're Ryan and Marissa, Marissa and Ryan – the best friends the world has ever seen. You can totally trust me with anything. What's going on in that complicated mind of yours?

**MAC_12**: You were gone a month, and I guess I was afraid with each passing day that you would just miss me less and decided to leave.

**RyMAt87**: Now that is absurd. Why on earth would I ever leave someone as great as you?

**MAC_12**: I don't know. New friends. Real friends. Real meaning in 'real life' instead of someone you just talk to on the computer?

**RyMAt87**: Pfft, don't doubt me Marissa. Like I said, you are vital to my well-being. Truth is I just can't function without you.

**MAC_12**: Do you really mean that?

**RyMAt87**: Why would I make something like that up? Of course I mean it. You're my best friend, Riss. And I promised I would come back, didn't I?

**MAC_12**: I was afraid you'd forget about the promise.

**RyMAt87**: Forget about a promise? My promises are forever. If I ever leave, no matter how long, I will ALWAYS come back. Get it into that thick skull of yours. You are stuck with me.

Marissa didn't know what it was about Ryan that made her forget she had a boyfriend. She didn't know what it was about him that made her immediately want to hug him and never let go. She didn't know what it was about him that made her feel like her insides were swarming with butterflies and her heart beat crazily in her chest. All she knew was that he had somehow in the short timespan of maybe a month and a half become such a vital part of her life that she didn't know what she would do without him, and that he had somehow replaced Brett as her best friend.

The realization came to her one night when her phone rang. Usually at this time of night it was Ryan calling to tell her something weird he had read in a book or to turn on the television to some random channel. However, when she answered, she realized it was Brett's voice on the phone, and tried to ignore the strong disappointment. "Hey, remember me? The boy back home with a cute smile? You know, your best friend?" she heard her old best friend say jokingly. "Do they not allow phones up there? I feel like we never talk anymore."

She smiled despite her guilty conscience and put her head against her pillow. "Hey, hey, I've been busy."

"Oh, right, I forgot, party party party, right?" Brett teased. "Or wait – you're not going to tell me you've actually been doing homework, right?"

She laughed. "Hey, I'll have you know that I totally aced my firs Psychology test the other day." Mentally she added, because Ryan and I studied together all night before the test.

"Well congrats, Miss Cooper, I am very impressed," he said, a smile in his voice.

"What about you, there has to be something interesting going on with you. How are things with Kaitlin?" She asked.

He sighed. "Your sister, man. I think she's PMSing or something. She's always so moody lately. The other day I tried to take her out on a nice romantic date, right? Well, apparently I didn't do something right because all I heard the whole evening was how irresponsible I am, how I should have a better job and be in a big university doing something with my life." He let out a dramatic sigh. "As if she completely forgot the fact that I'm waiting a couple of years to transfer to a four-year with her when she graduates."

She bit her lip, wondering what was up with her younger sister. Usually she was really fun-loving. This seemed totally uncharacteristic of her. "I don't know what to tell you, Bee. Sounds like you have a moody teenager on your hands."

"And here I thought those days were over when you went off to college," he joked, once again being his light-hearted self. It was one of the things she loved about Brett: he could easily relax her and make her laugh by merely being himself.

"Haha, very funny."

He paused. "So, what's your favorite class so far?"

"Psychology," she said immediately, thinking of Ryan once again.

"Psychology, huh," he said, obviously considering something. "Hey, isn't that the class with what's his face? Bryan Antwood or something?"

"Ryan Atwood," she corrected, biting her lip once again, her heart rate increasing at the thought of Ryan. "And yeah, it is."

"Ryan," he repeated, his voice suddenly very serious.

"I know what you're thinking," she said quietly.

"Oh really, and what is that?"

"You're thinking that I'm still absorbed with the old Ryan and I'm going to channel all my feelings onto this new one," she said, voicing her own concerns. "But the thing is, I don't think that's what I'm doing. This Ryan is here, and the other one left. And besides, I'm not madly in love with this one."

"Who's to say you won't be soon though?" Brett asked gently.

"Me. I won't let myself fall for another Ryan," she said softly. "Besides, I have Luke."

He snorted. "Right, that loser."

"Brett! Be nice," she warned.

"Whatever, I just think you could do so much better than Captain Water Polo," Brett reasoned. "I mean, have you heard that guy talk? And what about him making you stop hanging around with Seth?"

"Hey, he didn't make me stop hanging around with Seth, he just didn't know that Seth existed is all."

"Exactly."

She sighed. "I'd rather not get into this now. We've had this fight a million times before, and I'm still with Luke." She paused. "I'm happy, Bee. For once, I'm actually legitimately happy."

He let out an exasperated sigh. "Fine," he said dramatically, making her smile. "But I'm willing to kick his ass in a moment's notice, just so you know."

She laughed. "Thanks."

"No problem, it's what friends are for, right?" He shuffled a little, then said, "Shit, your sister is calling. I forgot to call her and tell her goodnight."

She laughed again. "Go talk to your girlfriend, lover boy. I'll talk to you later."

"See ya." They both hung up and Marissa threw her phone on the bed. She had missed Brett, but there was no mistaking the lack of excitement she was so used to feeling when Ryan was around, and that thought alone terrified her.


	7. Wicked Game: Part 1

**A/N So, here's the next update. I really appreciate the reviews I did receive. I ended up dividing this chapter into two parts because it would have been really long as one whole chapter. I thought you guys would rather have two normal sized chapters with me updating now rather than a super long chapter with me updating a while from now. R/R, thanks.**

**Wicked Game: Part 1**

_The day Marissa Cooper first fell in love, the sky was cloudy and it was cold outside. She had a horrible day. From the moment she woke up, nothing about life felt right. She didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to face the world, didn't want to make her way to school. However, hearing the bustling downstairs, she knew that she didn't have a choice, and that no matter what she said or did or felt, she would have to pretend to be happy. _

_Dragging herself from bed and over to her computer, she plopped down on her chair and turned her computer on. Hearing the steady hum of the CPU coming to life, she sighed softly and ran a hand through her messy light brown hair. Looking into the mirror across the room at her tired eyes and overall tousled appearance, the only thought that came to mind was he should be here._

_Her dad had left months ago. It had all come as a complete shock. One weekend he was taking her to the movies and the beach, smiling with her mom and sister, and then the next he was walking out the front door with his perfect leather suitcase. The days and months that followed at home with her mother were tense and harsh, Marissa worrying about her mom, her mom putting up a false front and pretending to be okay, and Kaitlin bitter with everyone._

_The only thing that had gotten her through these past couple of months was the biggest surprise of all: Ryan Mackenzie. She never would have thought that she would be the type of girl to befriend someone she had never met over an online connection, but if she had learned anything in the year 1999, it was that life wasn't always what you'd expect._

_Ryan was simply the most amazing person she had ever talked to, even if she had never met him. He was caring and sweet, always allowing her to talk and vent whenever she wanted without even the slightest hint that he was tired of hearing her complain; in fact, he encouraged her to share her emotions with him. He asked her how she was every morning, was online every time she needed him to be, and actually seemed to enjoy talking to her every day._

_She started the internet, waiting for it to boot up. Deciding to be productive, she grabbed her clothes and took a quick shower and got dressed before sitting back down at the computer. Now she could talk to Ryan for at least half an hour, if not an hour, before her mom called her down for breakfast._

_What no one at home knew was that she had started waking up an hour or two earlier than she used to just to see if she could catch even five minutes to talk to Ryan. There was no way to make her happier faster, and now that she was accustomed to having him every morning, she didn't know if she could stop._

_She decided to check her email first. She had a couple from some cousins that lived in northern California, and one from her aunt living in New York. She sifted through all the junk mail, then saw what she had been secretly hoping for since she woke up: an email addressed from Ryan._

_**Hey, so it's your birthday! Very exciting stuff, I know. Now, I know I'm only a couple of weeks older than you, but I want you to know that those couple of weeks mean a lot. I feel like sharing some advice with you that I have come to learn over the past couple of years. Since I have no way of actually giving you a real birthday present, I'll do this instead.**_

_**So... here it is.. Marissa's advice from Ryan:**_

_**Life sucks. I know, not exactly what you want to hear on your birthday, but it's still true! I mean, look at everyone around you. They all frown. Everyone walks with this look of pure unhappiness everywhere. They're all a bummer.**_

_**Although life sucks, it's also pretty awesome. Sure, there are some pretty bad moments and we all meet some bad people, but we also meet some really great people. People that we end up not knowing how to live without. People like you. And as much as I can complain about life, people like you make me think that it is totally worth it.**_

_**Never stop yourself from loving someone. I know it's not exactly normal for a twelve year old to talk so "grown up" but I believe in love. I know how powerful it can be.**_

_**Never give up. It's cliché and overused, but it's so true. Never give up, because giving up means giving in, and giving in means losing and losing means failure.**_

_**Last but not least, smile. Come on, give me one now. Please? **_

_**So.. yeah. Not exactly amazing, but I tried. It is currently five in the morning. I woke up extra early just in case you had a bad dream about your dad leaving again. I know you're probably upset and everything today, but it's your birthday Riss. Smile. Be happy. Act like a twelve year old, not like you're twenty. Have fun, okay? **_

_**I'll be waiting for you to sign on. Happy birthday, Riss. **_

_**Ry**_

_Saving her email, she couldn't wipe the smile off her face. How could one person cause so much happiness in just a couple of hundred words? It completely baffled her how easily he could read her mind without her even seeing him, and how he could be so thoughtful when he didn't even technically know her in 'real life.' _

_She closed her emails and immediately logged onto the message boards. Seeing that Ryan was online caused her heart to skip a beat, something she had never experienced before until the last couple of months talking to Ryan. She immediately went to the thread they had pretty much dominated talking to each other and saw that he had already left her a good morning message. Smiling, she began to type._

_After forty-five minutes flying by talking to him, she heard her mom call her downstairs for breakfast. She sadly said goodbye to Ryan, but smiled at his response. **Oh, ok. Have a good day, Riss. Have fun. I'll be online later. I know you'll probably do something with your family, but I'll stay online all night waiting if I have to. **_

_With one last smile, she signed off and swung her backpack over her shoulder, heading downstairs._

* * *

Immediately after the end of his birthday, Ryan immersed himself in the task of finding Marissa the perfect birthday present. While Luke and all of his other friends were getting ready for Halloween, Ryan spent endless hours at the local mall and shops looking for something that he could give Marissa. Something meaningful. Something that subtly said, "I am head over heels in love with you" but not so subtly said, "You're my best friend." He didn't want Marissa to know that he was in love with her; he couldn't deal with the thought of her only hanging around with him because she pitied him. However, since he loved her he wanted to make her birthday more special than it had ever been before. So, he was obviously having problems.

Seth wasn't helping matters at all, either. "It's just her birthday. You two, according to you, are just friends," Seth commented one day, shrugging and biting into a red apple.

Ryan heard the crunching and it frustrated him even more. "This is the first year I can actually give her something. It has to be important." He was currently on his laptop browsing online for any type of gift that you could give a girl. There was jewelry and flowers, clothes and concerts, make up and candy: so basically, nothing that could help him.

"Yeah, but she doesn't know that you two have known each other for more than only one birthday of hers," Seth pointed out before taking another crunchy bite. "Besides, Luke is the one who is supposed to be giving her the extravagant gift, not you."

Ryan sighed and his shoulders slumped, defeated. "But _I_ know," he softly said, staring off past his laptop.

Seth sighed and sat down on the other side of the couch. "I know, and I understand. I just want you to remember that to Marissa, you're just a friend she recently met." He propped his feet up onto his coffee table. "And besides, Marissa hates her birthday anyway. As long as I've known her she hasn't ever celebrated it. Whenever anyone brings it up, she glares at them."

Ryan looked over at Seth with a frown. "Now I just need to make it extra special."

Seth rolled his eyes. "Come on, Ryan, this isn't going to happen the way you want it to. I know how this is going to end, you know."

"Oh really, and how is that?" Ryan asked incredulously.

"With both you and Marissa upset with each other," Seth said, looking pointedly at him. "Give it up, buddy. Stop obsessing over this. Besides, we have Halloween to think about."

"I will not waste time on Halloween that could be used on finding the perfect gift," Ryan adamantly said.

"Fine, your funeral," Seth mumbled, turning on the TV, leaving Ryan to search.

One day as Ryan was completely giving up hope, he walked into a small jewelry store a couple of minutes away from the campus. He browsed for a couple of minutes, his eyes taking in the sparkling jewelry, until one thing in particular caught his attention. A woman came beside him and followed his gaze to a white gold necklace with one diamond in the middle of the heart. A motherly woman, she smiled gently and placed her hand on his shoulder, startling him. "Ah, yes, quite a selection. And for whom may I ask are you buying for?"

"A girl," he said sheepishly, a small shy smile creeping onto his face.

"Ah," the woman replied, her brown eyes sparkling with experience and understanding, encouraging him to talk without using any words.

"I.. I actually am her friend," he began, turning back to the necklace. "And she's my best friend," he added after a moment's thought. "I've known her for a long time... but she doesn't know how much I know. I went away and then came back and she doesn't know it's the old me, only the new me.." He trailed off and then rolled his eyes at himself, smiling as he turned back to the lady. "I'm not making any sense, am I?"

"Love in itself doesn't make sense," she replied, winking at him.

"I never said I was in love with her," he said softly, his eyes growing soft while thinking of Marissa.

"You didn't have to," she replied, patting his shoulder. She turned her attention to the necklace. "Would you like to know more about this necklace?" He nodded and she pulled it from the display, carefully placing the chain and the pendent onto the palm of his hand. "The heart symbolizes her heart, of course. The diamond in the center, however, represents what's in her heart. You can buy some with numerous diamonds, each representing something different in her heart. Some women have the diamonds represent their children. Me, I always liked the one diamond. It always reminded me of that one special person that try as you might, you just can't live without."

Ryan fingered the necklace in his hand, gently rubbing the diamond with his thumb. He looked up to the woman and saw her fingering her own necklace around her neck, her eyes glazed over with a far away love. He wondered who she was thinking of. "How much?" he asked softly, looking back down at the necklace.

"A hundred, even," she replied, coming back to the present. "For you, no tax."

He smiled gently and said, "Thank you." She winked and they walked to the register. She wrapped up the gift for him and handed him his receipt.

"My name is Anya, by the way," she said as she handed the receipt to him.

"Ryan.. nice to meet you," he said, smiling at her. He didn't know what it was about her that made him feel calm and peaceful; maybe it was her gentle brown eyes, or the way her face softened when she looked at you. Whatever it was, he found himself liking her and pleased he had walked into the store.

"Nice to meet you too, Ryan," she said easily. As he turned and walked to the door, he had the sense that she was watching his every move. Just as he was about to leave she spoke. "Oh, and Ryan?" He paused and turned to look at her, his hand on the door, the door half open. "I'm sure she'll love it."

He smiled one last time, then walked back to his dorm.

* * *

_For breakfast Marissa forced herself to eat pancakes, eggs, bacon and fruit. She never really liked eating much around her family; whenever she ate more than a few bites, her mom gave her a measured glance, causing Marissa to quietly put down her fork and wait for everyone else to finish eating. However, since it was her birthday and her mom had gone through the trouble of making all this food, her mom made sure that she finished every last bite. Marissa was full and exhausted by the time her plate was empty, and not at all ready to go to school._

_The ride to school was awkward and silent. Her mom never knew what to say lately since her father had left, so they mostly danced around the subject, both completely aware that something was missing. Now, her mother didn't even bother trying to make the loss of today any better, opting for an unbearable silence as opposed to mind-numbing chatter about everything and nothing._

_School itself was horrible. Everyone seemed to know that today of all days was supposed to be special because they seemed so intent on destroying any ounce of happiness she had within herself. From the moment she walked through the front doors of the middle school, people started throwing hurtful whispers in her direction. Marissa knew she wasn't popular; she was too busy at home on the computer to actually socialize with anyone from school. She was pretty, but didn't try to flaunt it, which automatically set her up for a disadvantage. Even though they weren't even in high school yet, these girls were raised by Newpsies, meaning they knew how to gossip and find something hurtful to say in every situation._

"_Oh, look who it is – the loser," one girl sneered, her blonde hair tucked behind her ear. Not a single strand of hair was out of place. _

"_Oh, look who it is: the bitch," Marissa mumbled, rolling her eyes._

"_What did you say to me?" The girl asked, standing in front of Marissa, blocking her way through the hallway. People around her started to stop to look at the commotion, their eyes piercing into Marissa._

"_You heard me," Marissa remarked, staring the girl in the eyes. "Bitch."_

_The girl glared at Marissa and huffed as she walked away. Marissa rolled her eyes once more and, readjusting the strap on her messenger bag on her shoulder, kept her eyes down as she continued walking._

_Her day followed the trend of the first conversation. No matter what she did, she couldn't seem to make the people around her leave her alone. It was one thing she hated about herself; her inability to completely repel everyone away from her. _

_She ate lunch alone in the cafeteria, her thoughts a million miles away. It wasn't like she couldn't have friends, she just didn't want to. All she had learned this past year was that everyone leaves, even the people you counted on the most. After her father left, she distanced herself from all her old friends until she was completely alone. This seemed okay with her though, because she had one true friend and that's all that mattered._

_Often she spent her time at school wondering what Ryan would say if he were here. He was easily the funniest and most caring person she had ever talked to, and that alone made her wish she could spend every day with him. It would be incredible if he could see what her life was like here in Newport, if he could somehow teleport himself so that he lived here and went to her school and was with her all the time._

_In fact, the more she thought about it, all of her thoughts seemed to be influenced by Ryan lately. Ever since she met him, he seemed to invade her mind and for the life of her she couldn't understand why. She had talked to people online before on the message boards; she had talked to people in 'real life' too that she had trusted. However, there seemed to be some unexplainable force that drew her to him in the oddest ways. She couldn't remember a night when she didn't go to sleep with him on her mind, or wake up and immediately think of him and the way he could so easily read her and make her smile._

_The more Marissa thought about it, she realized that Ryan dominated her life in every aspect. He helped her with school when she had questions; despite the fact that he lived in a poor area, he was really smart and at the top of his class. She could talk to him about the things she had experienced in her day, or the things she read in school. He was so far advanced that he read things like Charles Dickens and Virgil at the age of twelve. He would tell her things she never thought of before, like how the Inuit thought that stars were peepholes to heaven, and that if you were really lucky, you could see green in a sunset just before it ended._

_He also let her talk about her home life, and he understood every aspect of it. He knew what it was like not to have a dad around all the time and to have a mom that seemed more absorbed in the people around her than her actual children. She had also learned from him that his mom sometimes brought home abusive boyfriends and she drank too much and sometimes Ryan went to bed in his room scared because of the screaming in the other room. He knew what having a hard time at home was like._

_And most importantly, he understood not wanting to deal with the people at school and absorbing himself in studies and classes instead of cliques and 'friends.' He knew that sometimes people weren't who they said they were and people their age didn't know how hard things could be and about what it took to be a real, true friend. He understood that she needed one in him._

_As she finished her lunch and went to class, she realized how vital Ryan was to her wellbeing, how heartbroken she would be if he for some reason wasn't there anymore. She knew she was young, she knew she might be considered foolish, but she also knew that the way she felt about Ryan wasn't what she had ever felt about anyone before. _

* * *

Now that Ryan had Marissa's gift taken care of, he could have fun again. On Halloween night Luke, Ryan, Seth and Marissa were all going to a party together. Before the party, Ryan and Luke were getting ready in their rooms. Luke was dressing up as Hercules. Ryan, on the other hand, had gotten advice from Marissa on what to wear. Mostly, she said she wanted to know what he looked like as a soldier. He had teased her about it, saying that she just wanted to see how good he looked in a uniform. After blushing profusely, she changed the subject and they no longer talked about costumes.

Ryan was just finishing up putting on his costume when he heard a knock at their door. "I'll get it!" He yelled to Luke. He heard a muffled okay and looked into the mirror one last time. He had decided to dress up as a World War II Marine officer. He hoped Marissa liked it.

He walked to the front door and opened it, revealing a very sexy looking Marissa. She had opted to dress as a women's bomber from Top Gun, complete with leather boots that nearly reached her knee, a very short skirt, and a tight leather jacket that left her stomach exposed. Her hair was done in slight curls and she had aviator sunglasses on. She was so beautiful and sexy that it took his breath away. All he could mutter as he saw her was, "Wow."

"You think?" she asked, grinning as she stepped inside. She closed the door behind herself and then surveyed Ryan. "You're a soldier," she commented, her voice betraying her surprise. "But I thought..."

"I never said I wasn't going to do it, only gave you a hard time about it," he reminded her, finally composing himself. He straightened himself up and said, "Besides, I'm a Marine. A World War II Marine, to be more specific."

She was staring at him, biting her lip. _He looks so good in uniform_, she thought to herself, eying him with a desire she had never really felt before for anyone. "It looks...good."

"Everything you ever wanted it to be?" he asked, grinning as he saw how she was looking at him.

"Better," she said, finally looking into his eyes. Their eyes locked for a minute and both of their hearts started beating triple the normal speed. Neither said a word, but somehow they just knew what the other was thinking. Until Luke ruined the moment.

"Are you two ready?" he asked, closing the door to his room. They both replied yes and they headed off to the party.

Ryan and Marissa didn't spend a lot of alone time together for a couple of hours. Seth was with them dressed as a pirate acting like a dork, and when Seth wasn't with them, Luke was, and when Luke wasn't, their other friends were. No matter what, they just couldn't find time to sit down and talk.

Ryan was sitting at a table drinking his soda when he felt a tap on his shoulder. His whole body tingled as he looked up and saw Marissa standing there. "Hey soldier," she said softly, smiling at him with the warmest eyes he had ever seen.

"Hey," he replied, one side of his mouth lifting into a goofy half smile.

"So, I hear you ship off soon," she said, sitting in the chair next to him. She crossed her legs and Ryan tried to keep his eyes on her face, not on her skirt that was riding even further up her thigh.

Swallowing, he decided to play along. "Tomorrow, actually, bright and early."

She leaned in closer to him and he found himself leaning back into him. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and he was aware that their legs were centimeters apart, their faces also just had a foot to separate them. "I might never see you again," she said, her voice slow and seductive. He didn't know if she intended it that way, but it made heat rush through his body and his throat to constrict. "I figured this might be the only time that we can dance."

He looked into her eyes and choked out, "Well let's get to it, then." She giggled a little and the sound made him smile widely. Placing his hand on the small of her back, he led her to the dance floor where a slow song started to play. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he rested his hands on her hips. He tried to keep a good distance between them, but this only made her giggle again.

"Ryan, we're best friends, you don't have to be so far away." She took a step closer to him so that their bodies were centimeters apart, tightening her arms around his neck.

"Best friends?" he asked, almost a whisper.

Her eyes widened as she realized what she had revealed to him. "I mean.. I didn't.." she stammered, her mouth going dry. "I mean, I do, but.."

He smiled gently and softly tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, tilting his head as he looked into her eyes. They were swaying to the music and in that moment, he honestly felt like they were the only two people in the entire world. "You're my best friend too," he quietly admitted, his eyes soft with love.

"Really?" she asked, her voice still kind of shaky.

He nodded and placed his hand back on her hip, slightly tightening his grip on her. "Of course, Riss," he murmured, his eyes searching her soul.

Without another word, she gently rested her head on his shoulder, her breath tickling his neck. He could smell her vanilla shampoo, could feel the warmth of her body against his own. His heart was beating hard in his chest, but he had never felt as close and connected to someone as he did this very moment. Holding her with all his might, they swayed to the music, each lost in each other's embrace, completely oblivious to the rest of the world.

* * *

**November 4, 1999**

**RyMAt87**: Happy birthday!

**MAC_12** You've already told me that like three times now...

**RyMAt87**: Though that is true, you deserve it. Really, Riss, this is your day.

**MAC_12**: It's just the day I was born. It's kind of selfish to think it's important.

**RyMAt87**: It's important to me.

**MAC_12**: Why on Earth would it be important to you?

**RyMAt87**: Because you're important to me.

**MAC_12**: I am?

**RyMAt87**: Are you serious? Of course you are. I only woke up at five this morning so that I could talk to you.

**MAC_12**: I can't believe you did that. I think that's probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I feel bad for not waking up that early on your birthday.

**RyMAt87**: Hey, don't compare us, okay? Besides, I wanted to be here in case you had any nightmares. Did you?

**MAC_12**: Fortunately I didn't. I'm so glad, too.

**RyMAt87**: Good. I'm glad. I hate it when you have nightmares. I'm always unsure of how to make you feel better and then I get all stressed about it and I don't feel like a really good friend.

**MAC_12**: Ryan, it's impossible for a friend to be better than you. You're seriously great. I can't believe I lucked out in having someone like you.

**RyMAt87**: Hey, don't sell yourself short. So what did you dream about?

**MAC_12**: The usual. Sitting on the beach and staring out at the water.

**RyMAt87**: I wonder what that means.

**MAC_12**: I don't understand.

**RyMAt87**: All dreams mean something, right? So I wonder what Freud would say your dream means. Sitting on the beach staring at the endless waves. Seems peaceful, but at the same time, it could mean you're lonely.

**MAC_12**: Why would I be lonely?

**RyMAt87**: I don't know, I was just making a guess. Are you lonely?

**MAC_12**: Not usually. I don't know...maybe sometimes.

**RyMAt87**: Why do you sometimes feel lonely?

**MAC_12**: I don't know. I don't exactly get along with a lot of people. I don't really want to have a lot of friends, but at the same time, sometimes I feel like without my dad here, there's no one that really cares whether I'm here or not. So I guess sometimes I just get lonely because I feel like there's no one who cares about me.

**RyMAt87**: I care about you. I care about you a lot, actually.

**MAC_12**: I care about you a lot too.

**RyMAt87**: I don't know what I would do without you here. So don't ever think no one cares about whether you're here or not.

**MAC_12**: Thanks, Ryan. That means a lot to me. Ugh, my mom just called me. I have to go.

**RyMAt87**: Oh, ok. Have a good day, Riss. Have fun. I'll be online later. I know you'll probably do something with your family, but I'll stay online all night waiting if I have to.

* * *

**Thanks to Yellow, rmlove, journey17, mrs-oats, mrs. madelaine belikov, HanginKitty, dr1, and .vamps for your lovely reviews :)**

**journey17: **lol, Marissa is obviously not the smartest.

**HanginKitty**: I really am not planning on stopping this story until it is complete. Summer was originally supposed to be going to Brown with Seth, but then Seth became a main character, so maybe I'll end up incorporating her in some way. As of right now though, I do not plan on having her as a main character in the story. Upcoming important characters will be Marissa's family, Brett, and some people from Ryan's past.


	8. Wicked Game: Part 2

**A/N Thanks for all the reviews, guys. I turned 17 this week! My, haven't I grown? ;) R/R, thanks!**

**Wicked Game Part 2**

Marissa Cooper hated her birthday with a burning passion. Every year she spent November 4 locked up in her room, refusing to come out, refusing to even acknowledge the fact that she had turned a year older. While before she used to absolutely love birthdays and everything they stood for, now she was completely against the idea of celebrating the one day so much had happened.

_When Marissa got home from school, she immediately tried to make a break for her room. Her mother was faster than her and shooed her to the kitchen where there was a birthday cake covered in black frosting with pink letters that spelled, "Happy Birthday Marissa!" Marissa looked at her mom and saw the pure excitement in her eyes, then back at the cake that was lopsided and messy. She came to the conclusion that the cake was homemade._

"_Um, thanks, mom," she said, awkwardly putting one arm around her mom's skinny shoulders. " It looks beautiful."_

"_You think? I made it myself." Julie Cooper absolutely beamed as she looked between her daughter and the cake._

"_Yeah... it's something." Marissa looked around, trying to change the subject, unsure of how much longer she could keep up the lie about the cake. "Where's Kaitlin?"_

"_I'm right here," her younger sister said, stepping out from the shadows. Kaitlin had just recently turned nine and looked like a tiny Julie Cooper. "I was playing with my barbies in my room."_

_Marissa looked between the two and said, "Okay, well, I'll just be up in my room..."_

Her mother wouldn't stand for this. "Oh no you don't. It is your birthday, the one day of the year that we have to celebrate you. You will NOT go hide in your room on that damn computer the whole night."

_Marissa sighed and nodded. "Fine, okay."_

She hadn't hated the day forever. In fact, when she was younger she absolutely loved it. Even after he father left and she was bitter towards everyone, she had secretly loved her birthday. It really did help when Ryan said all those nice things to her and made her feel better on the day that was supposed to be only hers.

But then Ryan left, and in his place he left only memories.

_At around eleven Marissa finally went upstairs to her room, yawning tiredly. She closed her door, locked it, then logged onto her computer. She got ready for bed and when everything was all set up and she was finally on the website, she smiled seeing Ryan online. _

"_Hey, you're still online," she typed._

"_Of course, I said I'd wait all night if I had to, remember?" was his instant reply._

"_I know, but it's still late, especially since you got up so early this morning."  
__  
"I am a bit tired, I'll admit."  
__  
"Then why don't you go to bed?"  
_

"_There's something better than sleeping."  
__  
"Oh really?"  
_

"_Yeah, you."_

"_I'm better than sleeping?"_

"_You're better than most things. I'd even say all things."_

"_Thanks."  
__  
"I didn't scare you, did I?"_

"_No, of course not. I... I feel the same way about you." She waited a minute before pressing send, rereading Ryan's words. What did he mean? How did he see her? Why was he suddenly being so...weird? Different? She didn't know how to describe it. Ryan always made her feel like she was better than everyone else, but he'd rarely get this sentimental with her. She didn't know how to take it. She didn't know how to react._

_Her body did the reacting for her. She saw he had replied again so she refreshed the page to see what he wrote. "I'm sorry if I'm acting weird.. I just.. I don't want to hide tonight. It's your birthday, Riss. Let's have a real talk. Me and you. Ryan and Marissa. Friends. We can have real talks about real feelings and emotions, right?"  
_

_She didn't bother typing her message again, unsure of how much she should let her guard down. "Yeah, we can. Of course we can."_

"_Good. I just want you to know that you mean a lot to me. I feel like I can talk to you about anything and you wouldn't judge me."__  
She blinked at his words. Maybe? What was that supposed to mean. "Maybe?"_

"I'm just being a friend," she replied.

"Yeah, maybe."

_Her heart beat hard in her chest as she waited for his response. Her stomach felt so fluttery and she suddenly felt really hot. Her hands started to sweat. Her eyes stayed on the page. She refreshed every two seconds. Finally, he responded. "Have you ever been in love?"_

"_I don't know. I don't think so," she typed, unsure of where this was going. _

"_Oh, ok. Um.. me neither."_

_She stared at his answer for a good two minutes. She couldn't understand the feeling she had in her chest, this harsh stabbing pain. Why was she so disappointed at his words? Why was she suddenly so unsure of everything? Ryan always made her feel so sure about herself and her life. Now, she felt like she was on fire and having a heart attack. _

"_Riss?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_I'm really glad I know you."_

"_I know. I'm really glad I know you too."_

"If you weren't in my life, I don't know what I'd do."

"_Me neither."_

"_Riss?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"I wish I knew you in real life. I think life would be so much better if I had you with me all the time, or at least some of the time. I'd share you with your family and any other friends you have, but it would be amazing to have my best friend with me in person."

"_Ryan.. I feel the same way."_

"_Are you tired?" She yawned as she refreshed the page, then smiled. He knew her so well._

"Yeah, it's been a long day."

"Go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow."

"_Are you sure? I could stay up."  
__  
"No, go to sleep. I want you well-rested tomorrow."_

_She smiled one last time. "Okay then. Goodnight Ryan."_

"Goodnight Marissa. Have sweet dreams, okay?"

_She signed off and fell into bed. She smiled and let out a blissful sigh, her heart feeling fuller than she had ever felt before. She thought of Ryan and his words, her happiness multiplying with every word she remembered. How was it possible that she had the sweetest guy in the world for a friend?  
_

_As she closed her eyes, as she started to fall asleep, she realized the reason she was so disappointed he had said he'd never been in love. She wished he had. She wished he was._

_Just before her mind drifted off, she realized that she was in love with Ryan Mackenzie. Not friendly love, not family love, but full hardcore marriage and happily ever after kind of love. The kind of love she'd heard of, but never experienced. The kind of love she saw in the movies._

_The last thought before she fell asleep was that this was the best feeling in the world._

She had fallen in love on her twelfth birthday. It was the best day of her life. Or it would have been, if Ryan hadn't left. Now all she had was a broken heart and empty memories. He obviously had never felt the same way. She had obviously been too involved and pathetic in their relationship.

All these years later, one thing remained the same: Ryan Mackenzie, wherever he was, still held her heart.

* * *

**_The world was on fire and no one could save me but you._**  
**_It's strange what desire will make foolish people do._**  
**_I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you._**  
**_And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you._**

Ryan had been warned by everyone but Marissa herself to stay away from her on her birthday. Even Luke wasn't going anywhere near her. When questioned about why her boyfriend was going out to party with his friends instead of going to see his girlfriend on her birthday, Luke simply replied, "We'll both be happier this way."

But as he sat in his room at seven at night trying to read his textbook, Ryan knew that _he_ wasn't happy ignoring Marissa. Whether she wanted it or not, she was going to have a proper birthday celebration; it was the one thing he could give to her.

So, thinking fast, he ran to the store, bribed a guy to buy a bottle of wine, and then went to get Marissa's favorite food from the local diner to go. Finally, he picked up her favorite movie, The Notebook, and headed for her apartment.

When she answered the door, she looked more tired than he had ever seen her. Taking a quick survey of her face, Ryan quickly realized that she had been crying. "I don't want any company," she said, then turned to close the door on him.

_**No, I don't want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)**_  
_**No, I don't want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)**_  
_**With you (This world is only gonna break your heart)**_

He stuck his foot out and stopped the door from closing, pressing his body into the door frame. "Come on, Riss, it's your birthday."

"I know, exactly, now leave me alone," she said, looking away from him. Then she caught his eyes and softly added, "Please."

"I brought The Notebook," he softly said, looking into her eyes. She looked at him for a minute, obviously unsure of what to do. "And food," he added, lifting the brown bag with their food tucked into the nook of his elbow.

She bit her lip and paused, slightly perking up. "What kind of food?" she finally asked.

He grinned. "Burger, extra cheese, no onions, no tomatoes with fries, perfectly salted." He gave her a sheepish grin, trying to look as adorable as possible. "So what do you say, can I come in?"

She smiled softly and it was the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. "You know just how to charm a girl, Atwood," she said, moving aside so that he could walk in.

He laughed and said, "By bringing food? I think that's the way to anyone's heart." She smiled and closed the door, then leaned her back against it, looking at him for a moment. He noticed she wasn't moving and he turned to look at her, tilting his head slightly to the right. "What?" he asked, a small smile playing on his lips.

She was thinking that he was the only person in years who managed to bring down her walls on her birthday. She was thinking that she was really glad he came, even though she didn't know she wanted him here until two minutes ago. She was thinking she was so lucky to have a friend who knew her well enough to know when she needed company and when she needed to be alone.

She was thinking he was exactly like the old Ryan.

_**What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.**_  
_**What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.**_  
_**What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way.**_  
_**What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you and,**_

"Nothing," she said softly, pushing herself away from the wall and walking over to him. She got close to him and asked, "So, when do we eat?"

He smiled and set the brown bag on the coffee table facing her TV. "Right now." He pulled the two Styrofoam boxes containing their burgers and fries out of the bag and placed them on the table. Then he reached into the bag and brought out his other surprise. "Since it's a special occasion, I brought us some wine."

She looked at the bottle in his hands and took it into her own, reading the label. "This must have been expensive," she said, looking at him suspiciously.

"I know a guy who gave me a bargain," he said, giving her a reassuring smile. "Come on, let's eat. I'm starving."

"Let me just go get some glasses for the wine," she said, turning to go to the kitchen.

He grabbed her arm and they both felt a million bolts of electricity surge through their bloodstream. "No, it's your birthday, let me get it," he said, smiling easily at her. He led her to the couch and made her sit. "Now sit down, eat, and enjoy yourself. I'm taking care of you tonight. When's the last time you had someone take care of you?"

He started walking to the kitchen as she thought about his question carefully. "It's been a while," she quietly admitted, turning so she could see him walking. She took this time to note how handsome and adorable he looked in his jeans, polo shirt and dark blue button up shirt over a wife beater. His hair fell into his eyes in a way that made her stomach flutter. "The glasses are-"

"The second cabinet up on the left," he said, two glasses already in his hands. He smirked over his shoulder at her. "I know, Riss, I've only eaten dinner here a million times."

"Oh, yeah," she said, awkwardly chuckling. Luke didn't even know where her trash can was located, and he was her boyfriend. Yet Ryan knew where her glasses were, which she rarely ever used.

He walked over to her and plopped himself down on the couch next to her, a comfortable smile on his face. He opened the bottle of wine and poured them both some wine. "You didn't have wine glasses, so I just figured we'd use these regular glass ones.." He caught sight of her far away look and paused what he was doing. "Hey, are you alright?"

She came back to reality and looked into those blue eyes she could so easily get lost in. She was with Ryan, her best friend – that was all. Just because he was more attentive than her boyfriend didn't mean anything. "Yeah, I'm good. Great, actually." She smiled softly at him.

He could tell the smile was genuine and returned it with his own. He finished pouring the drinks and sorting out the food, then handed Marissa her glass. "To your birthday," he said, lifting his glass and smiling goofily at her.

She smiled and couldn't help but feel happy at this moment. "To my birthday," she repeated, clinking their glasses together before taking a sip.

A couple of hours later they were both a little tipsy and the credit to the Notebook were rolling. Marissa's head was rested on Ryan's lap and his arms were stretched across the couch. Ryan closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the back of the couch, and Marissa looked up at him, observing him quietly. They had lit a few candles halfway through the movie, wanting dim light instead of darkness or a lamp. Now, his face was illuminated with the soft light of the candles and for a second she lost her breath.

_**I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)**_  
_**No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)**_  
_**With you.**_

He opened his eyes and looked down at her, smiling slightly. "How's your birthday going?" he asked, tucking some of her hair back out of her face.

"It's a lot better than I thought it would be," she admitted quietly, looking up at the ceiling now. It was his turn to watch her, and he too lost his breath at how amazing she was and how deeply he loved her. "Ry, have you ever been in love?"

He tried to keep his heart from beating too loudly, afraid she might hear and catch on to his feelings. He cleared his throat, then let out a long breath before keeping his voice normal as he said, "Yeah."

She looked over at him with what appeared to be surprise. "Really?" she asked softly, searching in his eyes for an answer.

_How could she not see how in love with her I am_, he thought to himself. "Yeah, really. What, do you not believe me?"

She shook her head and smiled a little. "That's not it, I just.. I'm surprised."

"I'll have you know I'm quite the catch," he joked, but it didn't reach his eyes. She noticed this.

Grabbing one of his hands, she softly said, "Tell me about her."

He tried to think straight, but all he could process was that her skin was so soft against his rough hands and he had never felt this alive and terrified at the same time in his life. "She i—was beautiful," he started, staring off into space. He didn't trust himself looking at her as he described her. She was so intuitive sometimes; surely she would pick up on the fact that he was describing her. "And smart and funny and everything I could ever dream of. If I had to name the perfect girl, she would be ugly compared to her."

"Sounds like quite the girl," Marissa said, ignoring the stabs of jealousy in her heart.

"She's amazing," he said, smiling. "She was my best friend," he quietly added, looking down at Marissa.

She looked back at him and they locked eyes, both wondering what the other was thinking. Finally Marissa broke the silence. "I fell in love with a guy I met on the internet," she blurted out.

Ryan swore the Earth stood still for a few seconds. "You... what?"

Marissa sat up and moved to the other side of the couch, hugging her knees to her chest, resting her chin on top of them. "I fell in love with someone I met on the internet. Ryan Mackenzie, who moved to Chino after originally living in Fresno. He was literally my everything. Everything I did, everything I wanted to do all revolved around him." She laughed bitterly. "And I didn't even know what he looked like. How messed up is that?"

Ryan scooted closer to her and rested one of his hands on her own. "Riss... it's not messed up. People fall in love on the internet all the time. Sometimes they meet and fall so deeply that they end up meeting and spending the rest of their lives together."

"He left," she uttered quietly, and only then did he notice she was silently crying. "He just said goodbye one day. My whole life... my whole world... and..." She started to sob.

"Riss..." Ryan murmured softly, wrapping his arms around her. She put her knees down and tightly hugged him, clinging to him, need to be held. He rocked her back and forth, letting her cry, feeling like the stupidest man in the entire world for having ever hurt her. He felt like crap knowing that she hurt this badly, even now. "Hey, hey, hey," he whispered softly, pulling back so he could wipe away some of her tears. He looked at her face, her puffy red eyes, the mascara lines blurred across her cheeks, her total broken look. "I'm here now, okay? And I promise you that no one will ever in a million years hurt you like that guy did. He's an idiot for having ever left you, you hear me? An idiot. I would never leave a girl like you. Someone so sweet and caring and smart and adorable.."

Their faces were inches apart. Their arms were wrapped tightly around the other. Their chests rose and fell at the same time, their hearts beat hard in their chests, ringing in both of their ears. They were both breathless, they both wanted more than anything to close the gap between their lips, to taste the other, to pour their sorrow into someone else.

_**The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.**_  
_**It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.**_  
_**I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you.**_  
_**And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you,**_

Ryan broke the spell that had been caste upon both of them, diverting his eyes to the ground. Marissa regained control over herself and pulled away from Ryan, leaning against the back of the couch, staring out into space as she tried to wrap her head around what almost happened between them. Finally she said, "I fell in love with him on my twelfth birthday."

This was news to Ryan. His ears perked up. "When you were twelve?" he asked, so surprised that she had been so young when she fell.

"Yeah, right when I turned twelve," she said quietly, looking over at him. "He was so sweet that day. He made my day completely better. My dad had just left. He asked me whether I had ever been in love, and then started acting weird."

Ryan remembered this conversation clearly. It had troubled him. He had known he was in love with his best friend by this point. Even though they were young, even though he wasn't even a teenager yet, he knew with absolute certainty that he was in love with Marissa Cooper on that night. He had wondered if she felt the same way. She hadn't. He'd felt stupid. "Maybe he was unsure of your feelings and didn't want to get hurt."

"Well, he should have just told me," she said, frustrated. She stood and started to pace, running a hand through her hair. "It's stupid, if he ever felt the same way, he should have just told me."

"Maybe he was afraid," Ryan weakly protested.

"Well, whatever. He obviously didn't love me if he just left me so abruptly one day." She looked at Ryan and the amount of pain in her eyes felt like it would kill him. "I was fifteen when he left. Starting to think about sex and what not." She swallowed hard. "I had decided I wanted to give him my virginity." She sighed and plopped back down on the couch. "But I never got the chance."

"So who did you give it to instead?" He asked, afraid to hear the answer.

She looked at him like he hadn't heard her. "I just said that I wanted to give him my virginity. I haven't given it to anyone else. As stupid as it is, I still feel like it belongs to him... like it's his to take whenever he wants." Ryan looked at her in a new light. He had jumped in bed with Theresa minutes after he sent her the goodbye message, and here she was telling him that if he came clean with her, he could have her in the most sacred and devoted way possible. Not for the first time that night his breath was taken from him. Suddenly he felt like it was a hundred degrees in the room. "Pretty stupid, huh?" she asked, her laughter empty.

"No, I think it's amazing," he said, sounding so honest that she turned her head to look into his eyes. Their faces were inches apart again, and neither could fight the attraction much longer. The strength of the sexual tension in the air was so powerful that they started to move towards each other, faces an inch, centimeters, millimeters apart...

_**No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)**_  
_**No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)**_  
_**With you (This world is only gonna break your heart)**_  
_**No, I... (This world is only gonna break your heart)**_  
_**(This world is only gonna break your heart)**_

Until Ryan's phone rang. Their foreheads were touching, their noses grazing. They could feel the other's breath on their faces. He smelled of wine mixed with mint, she smelled of wine and orange tic-tacs. Ryan closed his eyes and let out a sigh; Marissa could feel it against her cheek. He slowly pulled away and reached for his phone on the coffee table, seeing it was just a missed call from Seth. "It's Seth," he said quietly.

Marissa was still in the same position he had left her. She really wanted to finish what they had started, but she knew it was wrong. She tried to calm herself, but she just kept replaying their almost kiss over and over again in her mind. She had willingly moved towards him; he hadn't seemed to object, either. In fact, he had started leaning in towards her too.

Ryan put the phone in his pocket and turned to look at Marissa, who was staring at him with confused eyes. He smiled softly and walked over to her, leaning down and kissing her forehead tenderly. "I should probably go," he said softly, pulling back. She merely nodded, too choked up with emotion to speak. Then he remembered something. "Crap, I totally almost forgot to give you your present."

"Ryan..." she said, finally able to speak again. "You've already done enough..."

"Nonsense," he said, finding his jacket and reaching into the pocket. He brought out a jewelry box and then went to sit next to Marissa, their knees slightly touching. "Here," he said, handing it to her.

She carefully took it into her hands, afraid of what may be inside. She really didn't like to receive gifts. She opened the top slowly and saw the most beautiful necklace she had ever laid eyes upon. "Ryan..."

"Do you like it?" he asked softly, looking at her carefully, trying to measure her reaction. "It took me forever to find something perfect." He took the necklace out of the jewelry box and fingered the heart. "See the diamond? It's supposed to represent the most important person in your life. The lady said it was supposed to represent that one person you can't live without." He handed the necklace back to her.

She was now the one fingering the heart. "Can you put it on me?" she asked after a while, her eyes never leaving the necklace. He took it from her fingers and carefully, tenderly clasped it behind her neck. She smiled softly, feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world as he took her in with a wide smile. "How do I look?"

"Beautiful," he said softly, looking away. He didn't want another moment like before. This time he couldn't promise something would come between them, and she already had a boyfriend. "Alright, well, I'll go now," he said, folding his jacket over his arm.

"I'll walk you to the door," she said, standing up and following him to her front door.

When he was outside her door he looked back at her one last time, smiling. "Happy birthday, Riss. I hope it was a good one."

She felt her whole body soften and couldn't help but smile. "Thanks for a wonderful birthday, Ry."

"Night," he said, walking away. She closed the door gently behind him, then leaned against it, sinking to the floor. She was in way over her head.

* * *

**Thanks for all the reviews again! Thanks .vamps, journey17, .belikov, mrs-oats, tcspoortsmed7, and Jawatar.**

**And a special thanks to Yellow. I'm glad if I made your day even a little bit better. Every review, no matter how short, completely makes mine brighter and better. Sometimes the smallest words can change someone's world around. **


	9. An Update

**A/N **

**I want you guys to know that I DO plan on continuing this story. I'm sorry for not writing in a while. I wanted to update you on what is going on so that hopefully you will be willing to wait a couple more weeks or so for the story to continue. That, and I think you deserve to know why I am taking so long.**

My uncle was diagnosed with liver cancer maybe a week after I updated this. They put him on chemo and said after some of the tumors went away he would be able to have a partial liver transplant. Except, a couple of weeks later on Good Friday they decided that he was too far along and there was nothing he could do. Fast forward to that following Monday and he was in the hospital and they gave him a few days. He died a week later.

**Everything has happened so fast. He just moved back home from Illinois. I was just getting to know who my uncle was. He is my dad's brother. He was only 46. He had already survived kidney cancer from when he was two. It happened so fast.**

**It is hard for me to make sense of everything. It is hard to process. I am sad. I lost not only an uncle, but the family I had received through marriage. I will probably never see my aunt and cousins again. If I do, it will be awkward at best.**

**I delivered the eulogy. That took a lot of my time. I also spent a lot of time at the hospital trying to let my uncle know that I loved him. **

**So that is where I have been. It's been a really rough month and I hope you guys can understand why I haven't updated. I plan on finishing this story though, and I will update as soon as my heart feels ready.**

**Thank you for your time and I hope you can forgive me.**


	10. Don't Speak

**_A/N I said I wouldn't give up on this story. I plan on seeing this one through. Thank you so much for the random people who still read this after all these years. This chapter is for you._**

_Remember, this story takes place in 2006._

XXXXXXX

_**November 25, 2002**_

**RyMAt87 : **Hey, how are you doing? :)

**MAC_12: **I'm good, hbu?

**RyMAt87 : **Good, I guess. Still using your lingo, huh?

**MAC_12: **You know you love it ;)

**RyMAt87 :** Oh, that's what you like to think…

**MAC_12: **Smh

**RyMAt87 :** Um… what?

**MAC_12: **Shake my head. Gosh, get with the program.

**RyMAt87 :** Oh I'm sorry for not knowing "the lingo."

**MAC_12: **You're my BFF.

**RyMAt87 :** I'm not your BFFL?

**MAC_12: **OMG you actually knew that one?

**RyMAt87 :** Some girl at school mentioned it in passing. I thought I'd try to remember so that I could impress you.

**MAC_12: **Well, count me impressed. But to answer your question, no. BFF implies forever. BFFL is only this life.

**RyMAt87 :** You have a way of making me smile, you know that?

**MAC_12: **Yes :)

**RyMAt87 :** Good. Don't forget that.

**MAC_12: **Hey, Ry?

**RyMAt87 :** Yes?

**MAC_12: **BTWITIILWY

**RyMAt87 :** What on earth does that mean?

**MAC_12: **This one you have to figure out for yourself.

XXXXX

Ryan avoided Marissa as much as humanly possible the weeks following her birthday. Things between them had almost gone too far, and he knew if he stayed around her for too long he wouldn't be able to restrain himself from pulling her into his arms and kissing her like he had been dying to do since he was eleven years old.

Instead of hanging out with Marissa, he spent his days mostly with Seth at his apartment. When he had told Seth about their near-kiss, Seth scolded him for hours, reminding him of the fact that Marissa had a boyfriend and she didn't even know the truth about Ryan. Nothing Seth said could make Ryan feel more guilty than he already felt, however, so Seth eventually stopped lecturing and started trying to console Ryan over his broken heart.

Seth wasn't Marissa; mainly, he wasn't female, and Ryan wasn't madly in love with him, but he was a pretty damn good friend. If Ryan needed to talk (which wasn't often), Seth quietly listened and added in his own comments when appropriate, but they mostly played video games, watched movies, or tried to analyze Seth's lack of a love life. No one could replace Marissa, but Seth did a pretty good job of making it all feel a little less stifling.

Luke wasn't against the idea of Ryan staying away from his girlfriend, either. In fact, Luke reveled in the fact that Marissa could no longer follow Ryan around like a lovesick puppy. He knew that nothing physical was going on between them – _yet _– but he did know a connection when he saw one, and Marissa looked at Ryan in a way she had never looked at Luke. He all but outright _encouraged _Ryan to stay away from Marissa for a little while, and merely shrugged whenever Marissa asked where Ryan was.

The only really difficult time for Ryan to avoid Marissa was their Psychology class. The class was held in a lecture hall, so Ryan tried to blend in with the rest of the crowd. He always kept an eye out for Marissa, however, and saw her scanning the rows for him day after day. Nothing could take away the pang in his heart every time he saw her finally give up and sit in the back alone with a disappointed frown. If only she knew how badly he longed to just be around her. But that was the problem, wasn't it?

In Ryan's absence, Marissa started talking to Brett more. Brett wasn't entirely thrilled when she told him about their near-kiss either, and Marissa almost hung up the phone after he wouldn't stop scolding her. But finally, he conceded that maybe Ryan was doing the right thing and giving them space so that things wouldn't become complicated. "You need to look at this from his perspective. You almost kissed. You have a boyfriend – his roommate. He is trying to give you two space so that you can both cool down."

"What if I don't want space?" she had asked, exasperated. "What if I want to figure out what the hell it was between us?"

"Well, answer me this: was it more than the wine and candles, or are these feelings you had merely a result of a romantic setting with someone you deeply care for?"

She sighed. "I don't know, Bee. Maybe it was just the candles and wine, but I do know that he made me feel _something_, and I can't just ignore that. I need to figure out if it was only me, or if he felt something too." She ran a hand through her hair, staring at her wall. "And besides, I miss him so much. It physically hurts not to spend time with him."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're falling in love with him," Brett said softly, and the thought struck Marissa hard. Could she be in love with Ryan? No, it wasn't possible – they hadn't known each other long enough. And besides, she loved Luke.

"Now you're sounding silly," she said, though her voice sounded foreign to her own ears. "I'm not in love with Ryan. Not this one, anyway."

Brett sighed deeply. "You're not in love with the old one, either, okay? Just forget about him. It's been years. You've moved on, and he obviously has too."

Marissa ignored his statement, not wanting to think about her old best friend. "Whatever. I just want to know what to do about this situation with Ryan right now. I miss him. He's become a good friend and it's not fair that he just dropped off the face of the planet. Do I just give him space like he wants, or do I try to talk to him?"

"Honestly? I'd corner the bastard and _make _him talk. Don't take no for an answer. You're a Cooper. You've got spunk. Use it."

Marissa smiled despite herself. "Thanks, Bee."

"Hey, what are friends for? Now go chase some Atwood ass."

The next psychology class, exactly two weeks and a day after Ryan last spoke to her, Marissa arrived early and leaned against the wall by the entrance. No matter what, he would have to pass her to get to class, and she wasn't going to let him go without talking. Five minutes later she saw him walking with his black messenger bag slung over his shoulder and his head down, hair falling into his beautiful blue eyes. She planted herself directly in his path and watched as he looked up and halted in surprise. "Marissa?"

She smiled grimly. "Oh, so you remember my name?"

Guilt flashed in his eyes and he looked away from her penetrating gaze. "Of course I remember your name."

She took a step closer to him. "Well, forgive me for wondering. You just seemed to drop off the face of the planet after my birthday…"

He grimaced. "Riss.."

Suddenly, her eyes began to water as she remembered the last few weeks without him. "You became such a big part of my life, and then suddenly you were gone." It hit her why this hurt so much – she had been through this before. He was acting just like the old Ryan, and once she realized that, she suddenly couldn't breathe.

He must have picked up on it because his arms suddenly wrapped around her, pulling her head to rest in the crook of his neck. "I'm so sorry," he murmured into her ear, gently pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be like him. I just… You have a boyfriend, and that night…"

Breathing in his cologne, feeling his warm, strong body against hers, she felt _home_. She closed her eyes and let her own arms wrap around him snuggly, missing his touch after two weeks of being without it, without him. Her best friend. One of only two people who could so easily read her mind, though he was getting so much better than even Brett these days. "That night was amazing. Everything I needed. We just went a little too far. It doesn't have to happen again."

Ryan pulled back and searched her eyes, his own unreadable. Finally, after an agonizing minute of wondering what he was thinking, he finally nodded. "Okay." He pulled her in for another hug, staring off, feeling his heart break at the thought that he would never get to kiss her. "Okay."

XXXXXXXX

Before Ryan could believe it, Thanksgiving had come. They didn't get off all week, only Thursday through Sunday, but he was looking forward to the break from classes regardless. Marissa, Luke and Seth were going back to Newport to celebrate Thanksgiving with their families, but Ryan wasn't feeling as homely. He decided he would much rather just stay at the dorms on his own than go back home and face his mother. He hadn't heard anything from Chino since the day he left, and he wanted to keep things that way.

He hadn't let Marissa or anyone know he wasn't going back home. If possible, he was going to withhold that fact from them. He knew if they knew he had nowhere to be this Thanksgiving, Marissa would take it upon herself to invite him because that was simply the kind of person she was – always trying to "save" people. But he didn't want to be saved. He wanted everyone to have a happy Thanksgiving, and he knew he would get in the way of that with his sob stories and constant brooding.

Besides, even though they had spent the last week talking and hanging out again, Luke had talked to Ryan about being careful around Marissa. "Not that I'm jealous or you're doing anything wrong, because I'm not and I know you definitely aren't…but you two have grown so close to each other and I kind of miss my girlfriend."

Ryan had stared at Luke awkwardly, wondering why he even cared when it was _Luke _who spent almost every night at the frat houses partying, practically forcing Marissa to hang out with Ryan since they didn't have a huge social circle. He merely shrugged and said, "All right." Even though he kind of felt like punching Luke for being such a dimwit boyfriend to begin with.

So, on Wednesday evening Ryan watched everyone preparing to leave for Newport. Not even Seth knew the truth about Ryan staying alone for the holidays. Marissa knocked on Ryan's door before letting herself in, shutting the door softly behind her. Ryan was laying on his bed mindlessly browsing the internet on his laptop and smiled softly at her. She returned his smile and climbed onto bed beside him. "Hey."

"Hey," he said quietly, closing his laptop and placing it on his nightstand. He folded his hands in his lap. "What's up?"

She sighed and smiled shyly. "Would it be totally pathetic for me to say I'm going to miss you?"

He smiled despite himself, ignoring Luke's talk. "If it is, we're pathetic together because I'll miss you too."

She brought her knees to her chest, resting her chin on top of them as she gazed at him. "Are you nervous to see your family again?"

The thought of ever seeing his family again caused way more anxiety than he cared to admit. "More scared than anything," he said slowly, trying to remain as truthful as possible. He was scared of seeing his family again; she just didn't know he _wasn't _going to have to worry about that this weekend.

She nodded. "I'm nervous about seeing my mom. Ever since my dad left, we've kind of had this weird relationship…" She trailed off, her eyes glazing over as she lost herself in memories.

Remembering how she reacted back then when they still talked online, he sighed and rested his hand on her knee. "It will be fine. Thanksgiving is an opportunity for things to change, right?"

She smiled grimly. "Hopefully." She sighed and looked at him seriously. "I really wish you could come with us."

He clenched his jaw and looked down, not able to stare her straight in the eye while he lied to her. "Yeah, I wish that too."

"Then do it. Ditch your family. You don't want to see them anyway," she said firmly, pleading at him with her eyes. "We'll go to Newport. You can stay with me, my mom and Kaitlin. You would get to meet Brett. We could go to the beach and watch the sun set, or even the sunrise if you can get me out of bed in time." She stared at him for a long moment. "Please?"

He sighed and looked away, not able to bear the look in her eyes, knowing he was lying. "I can't, Riss. You know that."

She sighed frustratedly. "I know. It's just… ugh."

"I know." He glanced at the clock. "You better get going. Don't want to be driving too late."

She nodded and reluctantly stood. She started to walk away, but hesitated at the foot of his bed, nervously playing with her fingers. Finally, she offered a shy smile. "Walk us to the car?"

He couldn't help the sad half smile he gave her. "Of course."

He helped them all load their things into Luke's car, neatly placing their suitcases so that everything fit perfectly. Luke just gave him a friendly nod before climbing into the passenger seat. Marissa had invited Seth to drive along with them, much to Luke's consternation, so Seth walked awkwardly to Ryan next. "Um, happy Thanksgiving, I guess," he mumbled, avoiding Ryan's gaze.

Ryan smiled at his friend's awkwardness. "Happy Thanksgiving, Seth. Have fun with your family. Try not to pass out from eating too much."

Seth grinned widely. "Where's the fun in that?" Ryan patted Seth's shoulder, then Seth too climbed into the car.

That left Marissa. Ryan turned to see her leaning against the car watching him with the softest and most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. His entire heart softened as their eyes locked and he became lost in the woman he absolutely adored. "I'm really going to miss you," she finally whispered quietly, her eyes watering with emotion.

The corner of his mouth lifted into a gentle half smile as he took another step toward her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm really going to miss you too." She rubbed her arms as if cold, but he knew the truth. She was nervous and sad and confused. So was he. He had never felt so deeply for anyone as much as he felt for her – twice. And even if she didn't love him the way he loved her, he knew she knew how this felt. They weren't so different, really. He placed his hands on her hips, making sure he had her attention. "Listen, I want you to have fun okay? I want you to eat a bunch and laugh a bunch and think about all the things you're thankful for. Make a list. And when you get back, you can share it with me."

A single tear escaped, and he captured it with his thumb. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, and his own arms found their way around her as he held her close. _I love you_, he wanted to say. _You will never know just how much._ "Happy Thanksgiving, Ry," she murmured into his ear.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Riss," he replied softly. He watched her climb into the passenger seat next to Luke, and waved to them as they drove away. But he remained in that same spot long after they were gone, staring at the now-empty parking space, wondering how it was that one person's absence could somehow make everything feel wrong.

XXXXXXXX

It didn't take long for Ryan to understand why Luke wanted him to stay away from Marissa. Whenever she called from Newport, she told him all the _sweet _things Luke was doing for her. How he kept telling her he wanted her to feel safe. How he murmured _sweet-nothings _into her ear so that only she could hear. How he was beginning to remind her why she had started dating him to begin with.

Ryan knew Luke, and he knew that this meant something was up. Luke wasn't a _sweet _guy. Ryan thought that on some level Luke genuinely was in love with Marissa, but he wasn't the kind of person to just _show _it and tell Marissa constantly. Ryan suspected it had something to do with sex, but as only the best friend, he had no say in the matter.

On Saturday night Marissa called Ryan, giving him a much needed distraction from the paper he was writing. "Hey," he said with a smile.

"Hey. What are you up to?" she asked.

"Working on this damn English paper. Once I finish this class, I'm so glad to be done with it for good." He paused. "What about you?"

"I actually wanted to ask your opinion on something," she said, and only then did he notice the twinge of nervousness in her tone.

He sat up more in bed. "What's up?"

She hesitated. "I don't know. It's Luke. I feel like he's getting antsy, and I'm even getting a little antsy. Not _for _him, but to lose _it_. Get what I'm saying?"

He didn't, but he could guess what she meant. "Kind of. I'm assuming you're talking about…" He trailed off and swallowed the thick lump in his throat. He didn't want to say it. He didn't want to think it.

"Yeah, I am," she said before he could force the word out. "And I know it's a big step, but I don't know, Ryan. I just want it _over_."

"I don't know if that's a really good reason," he said softly, honestly. It wasn't. She should lose her virginity because she _loved_ the guy, not because she just wanted it to be over.

"Well, what other reason will I ever have?" she said, exasperated. "I only wanted to ever give my virginity to one guy, and he's long gone. He's not coming back. Ryan Mackenzie is never coming back, and I have to accept that." He couldn't bring himself to speak. This hurt him too much. He could have had her in the absolutely most sacred way possible, but he had ruined it. He had ruined her. Ruined her first time. Ruined everything. "Ryan?"

"Yeah?" he asked sadly, rubbing his eyes tiredly. His whole body suddenly ached with the thought of what he had inadvertently caused.

"Did you know I tried to tell him I loved him one time?" she finally said after an unbearable silence.

He furrowed his eyebrows. "What? When?"

She laughed despite her obvious exhaustion. "I was on this streak of using texting and messaging lingo. I would throw out random ones. TTYL. POS. BRB. I thought I was so slick. This one time towards the end right before things started getting bad I sent this random one out. I can't even remember what it is. But it meant, 'By the way, I think I'm in love with you.' He didn't know what it meant. He tried to get the meaning out of me, but I never told. That would have been so embarrassing."

His heart sank when he remembered that conversation. He could remember it clearly. _BTWITIILWY_. He had searched and searched, but never could find out what it meant back when she sent it. Now, he could probably find it easily. "Wow. That's really crazy," he said softly, so much regret. If only he had known. He would have told her he had been in love with her for years. They could have been together. Things would have turned out so differently.

"That was the only time I tried to actually do something for myself," she said quietly. "And I grew too afraid to actually follow it through. With Luke though, I have this chance. Maybe it's time. Maybe this is the moment."

"Well, is he pressuring you?" he asked tightly.

"No, not at all. He hasn't even brought sex up in weeks." This surprised Ryan, though he knew that Luke didn't have to actually mention the word to try to manipulate Marissa anyway. "It's just.. I think this will be good. It's time to start living in the past and move on to the future. That means no more old Ryan. It's time to give Luke his chance. And what better way to symbolize that?"

She had obviously thought this out. That's what bothered Ryan the most. She made sense. She didn't particularly say she wanted to have sex with Luke, but she had so many reasons backing her up. "I don't see why you need my opinion then," he simply said, trying to keep his voice calm and neutral though he wanted to scream, _Don't do it. You belong with me._

She sighed. "You're my best friend, Ry. I guess I just want your support?"

Here it was. His moment to tell her he was desperately in love with her and that she should be with him, not Luke. That giving Luke her virginity was a huge mistake. That he wanted to spend his entire life taking care of her, looking out for her, doing whatever it took to make her absolutely happy.

But he knew if he meant that last part, he too had to let her go. She was with Luke. She had been with Luke for years. Luke did love her, Ryan was sure, and on some level she had to love him in return. If Ryan really loved her, he had to let her go. Let her do what she wanted. Let her be _happy_.

"I think you should do this if it's what you really want," he said honestly, closing his eyes tightly in the process. It took every ounce of strength he possessed not to say anything more. She deserved more than Ryan. She always had. She always would. Now, he could give it to her.

"Thank you, Ry," she said softly, shyly. He clenched his jaw. His heart hurt so badly inside his chest. "I should probably go. Luke will be here in an hour."

He nodded even though she couldn't see him. "Have a good night, Riss."

"Goodnight, Ry."

With that, she hung up. He stared at his phone for a really long time, wondering if he should call her back and tell her the real truth. He never did anything for himself. It was always for her. And even though he had just convinced himself Luke was the answer for her, maybe Ryan really was. Maybe they really were meant to be together. He knew it. They were Ryan and Marissa. Best friends. Soul mates. He had come back into her life after leaving. Some outside forces were at work here.

But by the time he had enough courage to call her back and tell her the truth, she had already turned off her phone as she went out with Luke. Disheartened, he listened to her voicemail, his heart breaking into a million pieces.

XXXXXXXXXX

Marissa, Seth and Luke arrived late the next day. Luke and Marissa walked in a little past 10 pm, both looking tired from the long drive. Marissa smiled at him weakly, and he knew by her eyes that she had gone through with it. She looked slightly harder, and he knew it wasn't everything she wanted it to be. But he had known that all along, hadn't he?

She gave him a half hug and said, "God, I'm so tired. I'm ready to just collapse into my bed and sleep." She smiled softly though, and when she really looked at him he could see she was still just his best friend. Still the girl he loved. Luke, as bad as it sounded, couldn't change any of that. She reached into her purse and produced an envelope. "I wrote this for you last night," she said softly into his ear so that Luke didn't hear. "After."

He nodded, swallowing the lump that always appeared in his throat lately. Grasping the letter, he slipped it into his back pocket. "You should go back to the apartment. Sleep. You've had a long day." He smiled genuinely at her and kissed her forehead tenderly. _I love you, _he added in his head. _ Despite everything, I love you. And I'm so so sorry._

She left not long after. He went into his room before he could see Luke give her a kiss goodnight. With everything, he knew he wouldn't be able to take that.

He opened her letter as soon as he sat down on his bed. He had never received an actual letter from her before. As much as he loved actually being able to talk to her, he missed her words. She was always most genuine when she wrote to him. Because of his stupid decision to leave, she hadn't written him anything in a really long time. Way too many years.

As he read her letter, he couldn't help but smile. And for once, he didn't need feel sick with guilt as he fell asleep.

XXXXXX

_November 25, 2006_

_Dear Ryan,_

_It's weird writing that again. I haven't written that since the old Ryan. But I'm over him now. For good. I mean it. I know it's probably on your mind. I know it's on mine. I'm no longer an innocent little girl. I'm sure you know what that means. I feel…weird. The same, but different, too. It wasn't amazing and breathtaking like it's supposed to be. It just was._

_That wasn't why I started writing, though. I started writing because I can't get what you said out of my mind. What am I thankful for? I've been thinking about it since you spoke to me on Wednesday. I miss you. Off topic, but I just suddenly really felt it. _

_Anyway. You told me to think of what I'm thankful for. After working for days thinking about it, here is my list:_

_You_

_The thing is, I can't think of anything else. And you know what? I don't need to. You're everything I need. Thank you so much for being my friend, Ryan. My absolute best friend. I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving. I hope I am at least half of the help you've been to me. Thank you so much._

_Love,_

_Marissa_

XXXXXXXX

**A/N 2 For all my long-time followers:**

**Hey guys. It's been a while, huh? I'm in college now. The years have really flown, huh? I remember writing L&L back in middle school. It's insane to think about. I'm sorry for the long update. Life has a way of happening, you know? I've become obsessed with The Vampire Diaries. Team Stelena all the way ;) Though I have learned to tolerate Delena in moderation. I've started a story about the two. If you like TVD, I encourage you to read that. I haven't decided the end-all couple for that story yet.**

**Expect more updates relatively soon. Life does get in the way, but I'm in a good enough place right now. Thanks for sticking with me (if you did). **

**Don't forget to review :)**


	11. As Long as it Matters

**A/N Wow, I'm surprised to see I still have this many readers! Pleasantly surprised, mind you. I'm so glad you all stuck with me through the years. I was thinking this weekend that I've had this fanfiction account for close to 6 years now. That is absolutely crazy to think about. I hope you all enjoy this update. Expect some twists in future chapters. And as always, please review. Literally what made me stick with this story was the feedback, even all these years later. R/R, enjoy!**

_All this is fine_

_Even as it crashes down on me_

_I'm looking around_

_There's nothing that I could want_

_More than to tell you_

_There's no more than we've already got_

_I'll be all right_

_As long as it matters_

_As long as you're here with me now..._

_Forget that our time is almost up I'll be all right..._

_- Gin Blossoms "As Long As It Matters" _

Much to Luke's dismay, Ryan and Marissa only managed to grow closer after Thanksgiving. Instead of being drawn to Luke after her loss of virginity, Marissa found herself closer to Ryan than ever before. Now that she had given away the last part of the past Ryan to Luke, she felt freer, and she wanted to spend this new-found freedom with the new Ryan in her life.

She refused to let herself believe this meant anything. Ryan merely knew what Ryan Mackenzie had meant to her before, and Luke didn't. That was all. It didn't help that finals soon came. Luke was too busy partying to study hard, so Ryan and Marissa spent most nights studying together until the early hours of morning. More often than not she fell asleep on his bed and he slept on the couch, knowing Luke was understanding, but not _that_ understanding to find both of them asleep in the same bed.

After their last final exam, Ryan and Marissa both found themselves lounging on the couch in Marissa's apartment. Ryan had his feet up on her coffee table while Marissa lay sprawled across the couch, her feet resting in Ryan's lap. He couldn't ignore the happiness he felt, but with every ounce of love he felt for her, he couldn't help but feel guilt and heartbreak over the fact that she wasn't _his_ to love. She was _Luke's_.

"Hey, Riss?" he asked softly, turning to look at her.

She directed her gaze at him and smiled lazily. "Yes?"

"Can I ask you something?" He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, knowing this was a dangerous subject, but he just had to know if there was any chance he could get over her.

"Anything. You know that." She tilted her head curiously.

"How did you finally get over Ryan?" He finally asked after gaining enough courage. He couldn't look her in the eye. It would kill him to hear how she got over him, but it would kill him more never to get over _her_.

She sighed and laid her head back, staring at the ceiling. "I don't know. Do you ever really _get over_ someone? Or do you just learn to live with the fact that it's not going to happen? I think that's more of what I did. I stopped _wanting _it to happen, and accepted that it just _wouldn't_." She shrugged. "After that, I could adjust my actions accordingly."

"And it worked? Just like that?" He asked incredulously. He knew that he and Marissa would never happen. That didn't stop him from _loving _her.

"No, not just like that." She paused. "I will always love Ryan Mackenzie." She smiled softly, her eyes glazing over, and he had never been so jealous of _himself_ before. _It was me, I'm right here_, he wanted to shout at her, but he just stared at her. "He will always hold this part of my heart. But knowing he won't ever actually be here to hold me…that's enough for me to accept he is gone. He isn't coming back. I will never talk to him again. I just have to…live without him, I guess. Over the years I've learned how. And I guess that's what moving on is." She set her gaze on him, seriously observing him. "Make sense?"

He nodded, supposing it did, concluding he was just screwed. "Yeah."

She raised her eyebrows and smiled slyly. "Why do you ask? Is Ryan Atwood secretly pining for someone?" At his nervous behavior and uncomfortable shifting, her eyes sparkled. "Oh my God, you are. Who is she?"

"It's nothing," he mumbled, not daring to even look at her.

She sat up and plopped herself down next to him, playfully poking him. "How come you never told me? Who is she? Come on, tell me…" She didn't know why she was so curious. Or why she felt sick despite the smile on her face at the thought of him being in love with anyone.

"No. Just…drop it," he said, still avoiding her eyes, heart pounding loudly at her proximity. She kept moving in closer to him, trying to taunt him, and it was working – just not the way she hoped for.

"Come on, tell me…" She whispered into his ear, giggling, thinking she was being playful. But she was close enough to smell his yummy, intoxicating cologne and natural musk. She could feel his body heat radiating next to her. She felt herself pulled to him. And he couldn't help but feel pulled to her.

"Riss," he warned softly, lifting his eyes to hers. And in that moment, she knew who he was in love with. Whom he had talked about the night of her birthday when they almost kissed. Why he avoided her afterwards, even though it must have hurt him. Why he couldn't spend Thanksgiving with her, why he bought her such an amazing birthday present that she absolutely adored.

"Oh," she murmured, staring into his eyes, unable to pull herself away from him. He _loved _her. Loved her the way that she loved Ryan Mackenzie, loved her the way Romeo loved Juliet, loved her the way a man is supposed to love a woman. The thought was intoxicating. The feeling was liberating.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, shaking his head, his eyes never leaving hers. "I wish I could stop it. I wish I could just turn it off, but I can't, Riss. I can't."

She shook her head and softly murmured, "It's okay, Ry." She placed her hands on the sides of his face, her fingers playing with the hair on the back of his neck. "It's okay…"

She didn't know why, but she was leaning in to kiss him. Her eyes never left his, and he didn't dare move an inch, just watched her slowly come towards him. Their foreheads touched, noses grazed, he felt her breath on his lips, minty and moist and so intoxicating. He was lost in the smell of her, the feel of her so close. He was wrapped in her body heat, felt so alive and in love and amazing. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to taste her lips after dreaming about her every night since he first started talking to her all those years ago. He wanted to kiss her and love her and be with her in every way, not just physical. He wanted to be _the one_ for her, just like she was for him.

She wanted to taste his lips. She wanted to know what it felt like to be loved, truly loved. She wanted to wrap her arms around him, press her body against his, feel his warmth radiate through her soul. She wanted to make sense of this feeling deep in her chest, this pull to be with him all the time, this incredible _need _she had whenever he entered a room.

She wanted to kiss him because, quite simply, if she had to admit it to herself – she was falling deeply, unconditionally, irrevocably in love with him.

But, just before their lips finally brushed, Marissa's phone rang. She groaned and closed her eyes, just leaning her forehead against him in frustration. He smiled at her obvious dismay, and turned his lips to kiss her cheek. "You should get that," he murmured, pulling away from her.

She immediately felt cold without him. She ran a hand through her hair, trying to regain control of her breathing. She didn't even have to kiss him to feel the affects, she mused. She reached for her phone and saw the caller I.D. _Mom_. "Hey, what's up?"

"Marissa, there's been an accident." And suddenly, Marissa's whole world fell apart.

"What? What do you mean? What kind of accident?" she asked, her whole body icing over in fear.

Ryan stared at her, immediately concerned, wondering what was going on. "It's been raining a lot here the last few days. I told them not to go out in the rain. I told them, Marissa, but they insisted it was fine. You know he was always such a good driver…" Her mom was crying now, and Marissa still had no idea what was going on.

"Mom, who? Who did you tell not to go out?"

"Kaitlin and Brett," her mother managed to choke out.

"Oh my God," Marissa whispered, closing her eyes as the news hit her. She sank down to the couch, and Ryan immediately placed a hand on her knee, trying to comfort her even though he had no idea what was going on.

"They were driving and the rain was too hard. He must have lost control of the car. We don't know the details. They're both in surgery right now. Kaitlin just needs to get some broken bones set. Brett…" Her mom trailed off, sobbing hard once again.

"What…what's wrong with Brett?" Marissa asked, guilt washing over her. How could she have been so stupid? Here she was about to kiss Ryan _while she had a boyfriend_, and her old best friend, the guy who had taken a chance on her and gotten her over Ryan Mackenzie was fighting for his life. _What if he didn't make it?_

"There was some internal bleeding. He hit his head pretty hard. They're trying to make the swelling go down. I don't know, honey, it's not looking good."

"No," Marissa said, her eyes finally filling with tears. "No, he has to be okay, mom. It's Brett." Images of her old friend flashed in front of her eyes: his smile the first time she sat down to lunch with him, his eyes after they shared their first kiss, the feeling of his arms around her while she cried about Ryan, the love in his eyes when he told her he was in love with her younger sister.

"I know, honey. I'll keep you posted."

"Okay, bye." She hung up and immediately buried her face into Ryan's shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably. "Kaitlin and Brett got into an accident," she hiccupped, but she was crying so hard she knew he could barely understand.

He rubbed her back soothingly for a minute before standing, pulling her with him. He reached for her keys and said, "Go to your room and pack your bag."

"Wh…what?" she asked, sniffling, rubbing her eyes in confusion.

"We're going to Newport," he said softly, kissing her forehead tenderly. "I'll be back in half an hour. Be ready to go."

He turned to leave, but she reached for his hand, pulling him back. Their eyes met and that attraction was there, but he didn't even seem concerned about their almost-kissed. His blue eyes held nothing but worry, and she knew a part of her was in love with him, but she just didn't know how much yet, and now wasn't the time to think about it. "Thank you," she said, squeezing his hand thankfully.

He shook his head. "Don't thank me. It's what anyone would do." He squeezed her hand back, letting her know he was there no matter what. "Thirty minutes," he reminded her before walking away.

XXXXXXXX

Ryan got them on the first plane out to Newport. As they started ascending into the sky, Marissa reached over and grabbed his hand, needing some sort of physical comfort. "It's going to be okay," he promised softly, kissing her cheek with so much tenderness she cried even harder.

"What if it isn't? What if he dies?" she whispered, wiping her eyes quickly. Her eyes were red and puffy, her face long devoid of makeup, but she looked as beautiful as the first time he laid eyes on her.

"He's not going to die," he assured her quietly. "And if something bad does happen, we'll get through it, okay? I promise you that I'm going to be here for you no matter what."

She nodded, knowing he spoke the truth. Ryan would always be there for her. _He loves you _she reminded herself. But she couldn't even let herself begin to think about that right now. Right now, Brett deserved her thoughts.

Two and a half hours later and she was finally at the hospital. She ran to her mom and they hugged, both bursting into tears upon seeing each other. "How are they?" she asked, just as worried about her younger sister as Brett.

"Kaitlin is fine. She's drugged up right now, so she won't wake up for a few hours, but she is fine. She's good." Julie bit her lip, running a hand through her hair. "They just got some blood work back on her, also." Julie suddenly looked really pale.

"Mom, what is it?" Marissa asked, expecting the worst. Cancer. Liver failure. Kidney failure.

Certainly not what her mom said. "It appears your sister is… pregnant."

Marissa's eyes widened. "Oh my God," she said, unable to believe it. She glanced over her shoulder at Ryan, and he immediately got the point, walking closer to her so that she could lean on him. It was all too much for her to deal with alone. She needed Ryan to lean on.

Julie nodded. "The doctor is afraid that she will lose the baby with all this stress. He says it's a miracle she hasn't lost it already because of the actual accident. So Kaitlin is to be watched really carefully." Suddenly, Julie seemed to notice another person in the room. Her eyes scanned Ryan's body, and she knew she should smile, but with everything she felt much too tired to even try. "Hello. I'm Julie, Marissa's mom."

Ryan offered her a soft, sympathetic smile. "I'm Ryan Atwood, a friend of Marissa's."

Marissa reached for Ryan's hand, needing more of an affirmation that he was there and holding her together. "Ryan was there when you called. It was his idea to get us flights here. He took care of everything." She squeezed his hand with deep gratitude. She knew they needed to talk sooner or later, but with everything, she was just glad he could put aside all their issues and be here for her.

"Marissa's told me a lot about you," Julie said, nodding as she stared between the two. Marissa was leaning on Ryan, holding his hand as if it were her lifeline. Julie had never seen Marissa this close to anyone, not Brett or Luke, and she knew immediately that there was something going on between them, even if neither were willing to acknowledge it yet. "Where are you from?"

"Chino," Ryan said, trying to sound confident and sure. He knew how people perceived his hometown, especially in Newport. He remembered the way Marissa used to speak about her mom, how she cared more about wealth and status than actual character.

But Julie showed nothing except tiredness. "So you don't have a place to stay then." She patted his shoulder. "You can stay with Marissa and I. I don't know what your holidays looked like, but the way Marissa is hanging on to you, I can tell you're not going anywhere soon."

He merely smiled sadly. "Thank you so much…" He didn't know what to call her.

"Julie," she said quietly, rubbing her eyes. "Just call me Julie."

At that moment another woman with dark hair and puffy eyes walked into the room. Upon seeing Marissa, she burst into tears, running toward the teenager. "Oh, Marissa."

"How is he?" Marissa asked, letting go of Ryan to console Brett's mother.

"The doctors haven't said anything for hours," the older woman said, pulling back from the hug. "I have no idea. The last I heard, they said there was bleeding in his stomach area and swelling in his brain." She started crying again, and Marissa tried to soothe here, murmuring soft things to the distraught mother.

Eventually Brett's mother stopped crying, and they all sat down, just waiting. Marissa rested her head on Ryan's shoulder, letting him wrap his arms around her. She knew Luke was her boyfriend, but he wasn't here and Ryan was. Not that it was Luke's fault. He still had finals. But Marissa couldn't imagine going through this without Ryan by her side. She loved him. She did, she realized. But right now she didn't need to think about that. She needed to think about Brett. Only Brett.

A few hours later an old tired man in a white lab coat walked into the room. His eyes landed on the Brett's mother. "Mrs. McKay?" He glanced apprehensively at the others in the room.

"They're fine," she said, reaching for Marissa's hand as they waited for news.

"I have good news and bad news," he said grimly. "Bad news is, we lost him on the table. His heart stopped beating." Marissa's heart stopped. "But we were able to revive him. We were able to stop the internal bleeding, and we put him into a coma in an effort to reduce the swelling." He sighed tiredly. "As of now, we have done everything we can possibly do. It's a waiting game from here on out. Once the swelling stops, we will assess for any brain damage. Even if he does wake up, there could be memory loss."

Marissa started to reach for Ryan, but he was one step ahead of her, already grabbing her hand and squeezing it. She turned to see him staring at her, his face crumpled in worry, and she felt another surge of gratitude. What had she ever done to deserve such an amazing friend?

The doctor left, and Marissa's phone started vibrating. _Luke_. She sighed, exhausted from the bad news and the whole day in general. She had called Luke earlier while packing, but he was busy taking finals back to back today, and probably hadn't gotten her message until now. "I should take this." She stood and walked down the hall, just far enough to be out of earshot, but close enough that she could still see everyone. "Hey."

"Hey babe, I'm so sorry. I just got your message." He sighed, sounding really concerned, and a fresh wave of guilt washed over her as she thought of how close she and Ryan had been today. "How is he?"

"Not good," she said quietly, wiping a few stray tears from her eyes. She was so tired of crying.

"I'm so sorry, Marissa. I wish I could be there with you. I know this is really hard."

His words were meant to be consoling, but they didn't have the same effect as Ryan's simple gaze did at calming her. _Stop thinking this way. Luke is your _boyfriend_. Ryan is your _friend_. _"It's okay."

"No, it's not." He sighed once more. "My last final is in a few days, but I don't have any tomorrow. Do you want me to fly down there now and then come back for my final then?"

"No, no. You need to focus on school. I'll be fine." She lifted her eyes to find Ryan staring at his hands, worry wrinkling his brow. "I have Ryan here."

And she did. She knew that Ryan would protect her and take care of her, no matter what. She couldn't ask for anything else.

XXXX

**A/N 2: So, no chatting this chapter. That will be a little sporadic until I can come up with some good dialogue. Any suggestions for conversations between the younger R/M would be greatly appreciated.**

**Also, I am on twitter, tumblr, and wordpress. Just look up dzunig1 :) If I get followers on twitter I might end up tweeting updates on my writing schedule and such. I have two stories I'm working on right now, a third one on the way (Stelena/TVD) , and I'm editing the novel I wrote. Cross your fingers that the novel thing works out :)**

**Individual Replies:**

**xoElle23:** Thanks for sticking with me :) I hope I don't disappoint.

**Guest:** I'm glad to be back!

**Lexii5297:** Ooh, 100th reviewer. Very fancy. Marissa is rather blind. But hopefully she will slowly realize just what is in front of her.

**Jennybunney:** Hope this is soon enough :)

**RMforever:** Not to give anything away, but Marissa will be a bit occupied for a while to figure out exactly who Ryan is. But do expect to see some major R/M time in the future.

**TVDaddict22:** I'm so glad that you are also Team Stelena! I get rather passionate about it, haha. I know that my other story "A Star Beyond His Reach" is supposed to be Delena/Stelena, but sometimes I just grow frustrated. I really am trying to give Damon a chance. I guess how that turns out will depend on popular demand and how angry I am at the writers that day. I can't imagine why Elena would choose anyone other than Stefan. I mean, come on, he's Stefan. I'm actually planning on writing an AU/AH Stelena story soon where she is an up-and-coming author, he is a doctor, and they meet at book signings and stuff. But we shall see!

**Tegan hounslow:** Sorry for the long delay! I hope I'm not disappointing :)


	12. Careless Whisper

**A/N This is SO short, I know. But, I wanted to give you **_**something**_**. So here it is.**

**Happy Thanksgiving all you Americans out there. And even to those of you who aren't. May your day/weekend/life be filled with happiness, gratefulness, and appreciation in every aspect. I truly mean that.**

**Oh, and this is dedicated to ****muot-I ****on tumblr for looking me up and messaging me to update. Without this prodding, I probably would've waited another week before updating.**

XXXXXXXXXX

Ryan and Marissa stayed at the hospital until visiting hours closed. Julie got permission to stay with Kaitlin, and Brett's mom said she would call if anything changed. Julie gave Marissa her car keys and said to drive safely, and Marissa merely nodded before handing Ryan the keys outside the hospital. "I just don't feel up to it," she said tiredly, and he understood. It had been a hard day.

Marissa gave him directions to her house, and he sat in awe of the passing town, even in the dark. So this was where Marissa had grown up. She had mentioned it so many times over the years that it was nice to finally see what she had been talking about so long.

When they finally reached Marissa's house, he stared in awe at the sheer size of it. "Definitely not in Chino anymore," he muttered, not realizing he was even speaking aloud.

Marissa glanced over at him, smiling tiredly. "I guess it looks crazy ridiculous to someone who didn't grow up with it." She shrugged and unbuckled her seatbelt, staring at her house as if for the first time. "I don't know, you get used to it after a while."

"I don't know if I would ever get used to this," he replied honestly, unbuckling his own seatbelt and pulling Marissa's keys from the ignition. He handed them over to her and together they walked to her front door.

Letting them in, Marissa tried to look at her house through Ryan's eyes. It must be overwhelming, she thought, biting her lip. When she looked at her foyer, she remembered all the times she had greeted Brett here before they all drove off to a charity even together. She remembered her dad walking out with his perfect leather suitcases. "So, this is my house," she said lamely after a few minutes of silence.

Ryan stood holding both of their bags of clothes, wide eyes scanning every available surface. "Wow."

"Yeah, um, I guess." She reached for her bag. "Let me show you one of the guest rooms."

He pulled the bag from her reach, smiling softly. "I've got it. And, sounds great."

She stared at him, their eyes connecting, and she felt another surge of gratitude at his being here. Sure he was tired of hearing how much she appreciated him, at least for now, she led him up the stairs and down the hall to one of the bedrooms. It was large and open with a neutral blue comforter, white pillows, and blue curtains. It was one of the "boy" rooms her mom had decorated, and she figured Ryan would like it just fine in here. He wasn't picky, and besides, the blankets and curtains matched his eyes.

"You can stay in here," she said, plopping down on the foot of the bed. He dropped the bags and followed her, resting his hands on his knees, a full foot separating them.

"Thank you for letting me stay here," he said, staring at her with sincerity. "Your mom was really nice to suggest it. It really is a nice gesture."

She nodded. "After everything you've done for me, it's the least any of us can do." She laughed, though the situation wasn't funny. "God, I can't even imagine what a wreck I would be without you here."

"I'm sure you would manage on just fine," he said, pulling his gaze from her, staring down at his large hands.

She scooted closer to him, resting her hand on his shoulder. "Hey," she said, willing him to look her way. When he finally complied, she continued. "Ryan, I don't want you acting as if you aren't completely responsible for holding me together. No one knows me like you do. Not anymore." She paused, her eyes falling to the way her hand looked on his shoulder. Gosh, why did everything around him have to feel so damn right? She had a _boyfriend_. "No one could do a better job at helping me through this. I'm so glad you're here." She sighed, shaking her head. "I know I'm so selfish. I'm always talking about myself, about my old life."

He cut her off before she could continue. "You're not selfish, Marissa. You're just the opposite. You care."

"I _care_, but that doesn't mean anything." She sighed again. "I'm the one whose problems dragged you down here to Newport in the first place. If it weren't for me…"

"If it weren't for you, I would be homeless until school started again," he finished quietly, though he knew that wasn't what she was going to say. "Marissa, I didn't go see my family during Thanksgiving. I just wanted you to enjoy it without me and my problems and insecurities getting in the way." He forced a smile, though even she could tell he had to try extremely hard. "And it let you be with Luke."

"Look, there we go again. I was selfish and thinking about Luke instead of wondering how my best friend would be doing." She frowned, looking away, obviously upset.

"Marissa, I didn't _want _to tell you. I wanted you to be happy." He rested his hand on her knee, rubbing her skin through the jeans with his thumb. "Because _I'm _the selfish one."

"How are you even remotely selfish?" she asked incredulously.

He sucked in a big gulp of air before exhaling slowly through his nose. "Because I'm in love with you." He glanced her way and forced that smile-grimace again. "And I'm sorry for that."

She actually laughed at that. "Sorry?" She shook her head in bewilderment. "Ryan, that's the most amazing thing that anyone could ever possibly say to another person. The fact that you find _me _worthy of such a feeling is beyond me. _I'm _sorry. For so many things."

He shook his head now. "You have nothing to be sorry about. You've been great." His eyes looked so torn and sad. "You've done absolutely nothing wrong. You've always been the better friend. I do nothing but try to distance myself and push you away. But you _always _accept me back with open arms." He dropped his voice to just a whisper. "Even when I try my hardest to leave."

She decided it was time to lighten the mood. "Well you are kind of nice to have around. You know, in case I need anyone to do any heavy lifting." She smiled softly at him, her eyes betraying her real feelings: she was terrified. She was so scared that he would realize how incredibly _ordinary_ she was when he was just so _extraordinary_, and it would make him leave _for good_. It would break her in two to lose Ryan Atwood. Perhaps even more than it did to lose Ryan Mackenzie.

Because, well – she was falling hopelessly in love with Ryan Atwood. More than she ever could have thought possible with anyone else again. And she _liked _and _hated _it at the same time. She had a boyfriend. But there was nothing quite like feeling intoxicated just at the presence of someone. And Ryan was just incredible. The best and most wonderful friend and man she had ever and probably would ever meet. The thought of living without him present in her life just depressed her.

But, of course, she had a boyfriend.

"I don't know about that," he said with a light smile, one that actually reached his eyes. How was it so easy for them to just be together? To just _exist_ next to each other and have that be _enough_?

"Well, I do." She turned serious again. "I know we just talked about selfish and unselfish. Well, I have another selfish request for you."

"Anything," he said, though she could tell it took all his self-restraint not to argue with her terminology.

"I'm really kind of fragile right now," she said, her voice quavering. "Could you maybe stay with me tonight?" She flicked her eyes to the bed so that he got the idea. "Maybe we could just talk? And, well, sleep." She blushed, turning away from him, suddenly feeling incredibly stupid and embarrassed.

"Sure," he said, his voice soft and soothing. "Whatever you need."

XXXXXXXX

**Again, sorry for the shortness. I promise the next update (probably next week) will be longer.**

**I was sad to only get three reviews. I know beggars can't be choosy, but still. I missed my usual feedback that I know you guys are still capable of :(**

**Individual replies:**

**TVDaddict22:** Gah, Stelena right now. Sigh. Enough said.

**xoElle23:** Ryan is rather secretive, isn't he? Sigh. Will he ever learn?

**Jennybunney:** Hope this does the trick :)


	13. Linger

**A/N Sorry for the wait. I'm kind of busy with finals and papers and stuff for college lately. That should be finished in exactly a week :) Read and review, please. Only thing that keeps me motivated and makes me actually sit down to write. R/R!**

**A few people asked me for my tumblr. It's the same as my twitter and my other blog:**

/**dzunig1**

/**dzunig1**

**dzunig1**.

**Follow me if you please :)**

_**This is dedicated to the one who once told me that this was our song. If you still read, I hope you have everything you ever wanted. Truly. Even if it isn't me.**_

_And I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you. _

_You got me wrapped around your finger, ah, ha, ha. _

_Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, _

_Do you have to let it linger? _

"Linger" The Cranberries

XXXXXX

Marissa awoke the next morning feeling warm. She slowly opened her eyes and saw light streaming in through her bedroom window, dimmed by her pink curtains. She felt like she was sleeping in a cocoon of warmth; after a moment's contemplation, she smiled, realizing it was Ryan.

Last night she had asked him to stay with her while she fell asleep. She didn't want to be alone, so they stayed up late just _talking_. Lying next to him in bed wasn't weird or uncomfortable; it felt _natural_. Like she should have been doing it her whole life. Like she should keep doing it her whole life.

It wasn't even about sexual tension or attraction (though, she had to admit, she did feel pretty damn attracted to him). It was about just wanting to be around him. About being comfortable in his presence. About feeling _loved_ no matter how simple the moment. About being appreciated, despite all her selfishness and incessant complaining. He understood her. He accepted her. He _loved_ her.

He must have fallen asleep around the same time as she did, because the last thing she remembered was him telling a story about the best Christmas he had in Chino, back when his dad was still around and he still had hope for a better life. Ryan hated to talk about his life in Chino and rarely did, so when he happened to speak up, Marissa clung to his every word. Ryan talked plenty about everything except for his past, but it wasn't quite the same.

Ryan's arms were wrapped around her snugly, his breath lightly tickling her neck. Her entire body felt on fire yet comfortable, and she wondered if this is what heaven felt like. Whatever it meant, she was _not _going to ruin it. Closing her eyes, she happily fell back asleep, snuggling further into Ryan's snug embrace. She couldn't help her smile when his arms subconsciously tightened around her. Yes, definitely heaven.

XXXXXXXX

Ryan woke an hour later, his first thought _vanilla…mmm…Marissa…_ Then his eyes flew open and realized that this actually _was _Marissa in his arms. He quickly pulled back, trying not to wake her. It was a moot point though considering she was already awake, and she turned to smile at him. "Good morning," she murmured, staring into his eyes. She looked so happy. Maybe she hadn't realized…

"Morning," he said with a weak smile, immediately lost in her blue eyes. His eyes briefly darted down to her plump, soft lips before he asked, "Sleep well?"

"Very well," she said with a shy smile, blushing.

"Me too," he admitted. He stared back into her eyes. "I'm sorry…"

"For what?" she asked, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion.

"For…sleeping here." He gestured between them. "In your bed. In your room…"

She reached out and rested her hand on his arm. "Ryan, it's fine…" She smiled softly, the care reaching her eyes. "Does it look like I'm upset?"

"No, but…"

"Shh." She simply smiled. "Stop overanalyzing anything. Sometimes let yourself just _live."_

Ryan forced a smile in return, because he knew that life was more complicated. Feelings get involved, people fall in love, and someone always gets hurt when you just _live_. Sometimes _living _meant leaving yourself vulnerable for hurt. He knew – the only time he ever felt alive was with Marissa, and look how that turned out. He may be in her bed, but he was never going to have the chance to love her the way he wanted.

The only other time he felt truly _alive_ was when Theresa was pregnant. And, well, that didn't turn out quite right either.

His heart hurt so much. He could feel it crumbling and pounding and pulsating with pain in his chest. Not even staring into the eyes of the girl he loved could help, because she simply wasn't _his _to stare at. She was _Luke's_. She was taken.

"Can I ask you something?" Marissa asked softly, looking down at the gap of space between them.

"Anything," he murmured, staring at her curiously.

"Is it okay to…" she trailed off, blinking quickly, blushing. "To want to wake up next to your best friend every morning?" And suddenly her eyes were on his and the whole world disappeared, because only she mattered. Only she would always matter.

But he knew where this would go. How this would go. And he knew that _he _would be the one getting hurt. So, despite his greatest selfish urges to lean in and kiss that shyness right out of her, he softly said the truth. "Only if that's the person you're sure you want to share your whole life with. Every moment, every adventure, every _romance_." He blinked and tore his gaze from her. "Only if that's the person you truly, deeply love." He sat up, standing, her gaze lava on his skin. "I'm going to shower." With that, he walked out of the room, unsure of what had just happened between them.

Marissa just remained in bed, staring after he best friend, wondering what on earth she was feeling, and how something that seemed so _wrong_ – having feelings for her _best friend_ – could feel so _right_.

XXXXX

They didn't talk much on the way to the hospital, but Marissa couldn't tell if it was an awkward or comfortable silence. Whenever she was with Ryan she felt comfortable, even when she probably shouldn't. She just knew he would always take care of her, and that made her comfortable.

When they reached the hospital, Ryan reached over for her hand and gently squeezed it. "You ready for this?" he asked softly, staring at her with the softest blue eyes she had ever seen.

"As long as I have my best friend here, then I'm ready for anything," she said, her voice quiet yet firm. She did feel ready with Ryan here to take care of her. Maybe it wasn't fair to hold him to such high standards, but he had done nothing but be there for her. And she needs him.

"Well, I'm not going anywhere." He kissed her forehead tenderly. "Come on, let's see what's going on today."

They reached the waiting room and saw Brett's mother sitting in a chair, eyes bloodshot. "How is he?" Marissa asked softly, leaning against Ryan for support, bracing herself.

"The swelling stopped. Now it's a matter of waiting for it to go down and then wait for him to wake up."

Marissa sighed but remained strong. "Well, we'll just have to give it time. I'm sure he's going to be just fine. He has to."

Brett's mom nodded sadly. "Your mom is in there with your sister right now. She's being feisty Kaitlin, as always." She smiled sadly.

Marissa thanked her and took Ryan's hand, pulling him in the direction of Kaitlin's room. "Kaitlin is kind of a free spirit."

"Like you?" Ryan asked with a smirk.

Marissa allowed herself to smile, grateful once again for Ryan's presence. "More so. She's exactly like my mom. She judges people within seconds of meeting them. She actually dislikes Luke."

_I like her already_, Ryan thought wryly. "Should I do or say anything special?"

"Just be yourself." She smiled encouragingly at him and kissed his cheek before opening the door to Kaitlin's room. She gasped when she saw her sister bruised and scratched up lying in the hospital bed. "Oh my God, Kaitlin…" She ran to her sister's side, and Ryan watched the two interact from a few steps into the doorway.

"Jeez, calm down. I'm not dead." Kaitlin rolled her eyes at Marissa's theatrics and turned her attention to Ryan. "You must be Atwood. Marissa likes to send pictures of you. I think my favorite one was where she got you sleeping with your mouth open." Marissa shot a glare at Kaitlin, and Ryan gave Marissa a confused look, not knowing what Kaitlin was talking about. "Anyway, are you going to stand in the doorway the entire time or walk in like an actual gentleman?"

Ryan forced a smile and walked in, stopping next to Marissa. "It's nice to meet you, Kaitlin. I've heard a lot about you."

"About how I'm a 'free spirited' bitch, right?" Kaitlin smirked in Marissa's direction. "For the record, she's right. I am a free spirited bitch."

Ryan laughed softly, and Marissa visibly eased at it. Kaitlin stared between the two curiously, and Ryan felt like he was under serious scrutiny. "So, how are you feeling?" he asked politely.

"Well, Ryan, I feel like I was just in a car accident." She stared him straight in the eyes. "My head and body ache. At least I don't have any morning sickness."

Marissa bit her lip, staring at her younger sister. "Kaitlin, mom told me about…"

"About the fact that Brett knocked me up? I know." Kaitlin sat up a little straighter, trying to make herself comfortable. "I figured the cat was out of the bag when she kept staring at me creepily last night. She refuses to talk about it. Typical Julie mode right now."

"Where is she, anyway?" Marissa asked, as if suddenly realizing her mother wasn't in the room.

"She went to get some coffee. I'm not exactly making it easy on her." Kaitlin smirked proudly. "It's kind of fun watching her squirm, actually."

"You know she's only trying to help. You could be a little easier on her." Marissa shook her head in disapproval, and it amazed Ryan considering all the crap her mother had put her through.

"Aw, where's the fun in that?" Kaitlin only smirked, folding her arms across her chest.

"Well, what are you going to do about… you know…" Marissa shifted uncomfortably.

"The bun in the oven?" Kaitlin shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. "I don't know yet."

"Have you talked to Brett about it?" Marissa's voice softened at the mention of Brett, and Ryan rubbed her shoulder affectionately.

"What do you think we were talking about when he lost control?" Kaitlin said, staring her sister down as if in a challenge. Except Ryan could see how terrified she was. He had been there before. He knew what it was like.

Marissa shifted uncomfortably again. "I'm going to go find mom." She left before he even had a chance to follow her, leaving Ryan and Kaitlin alone together.

Kaitlin didn't waste any time, either. "So, you're in love with my sister."

Ryan didn't even bother trying to hide it. "That obvious, huh?" he asked with a soft smile.

"Only to everyone. It's sickening, really." But he could tell Kaitlin didn't hate the idea. She didn't hate _him_. In light of everything, he found that encouraging. "You look at her how Brett looks at me sometimes." She tore her eyes from his and looked down at the blanket, softening just the tiny bit.

And as crazy and hard as she might try to appear, Ryan knew that she _loved _the guy fighting for his life somewhere in this hospital. And she was _terrified _to lose him, as much as Ryan feared ever losing Marissa. "Having a baby… that seems pretty crazy," he began casually, trying to build up to the conversation he knew that Kaitlin needed to have.

Who better than him, who had been in her situation? "Yeah," she merely said, shrugging in that fake nonchalant fashion of hers. "Or I could not have it. Whatever."

"You know what's crazier than having a baby?"

She looked at him, raising her eyebrows in fake amusement. "What?"

"Losing one." He didn't smile, just stared straight at her, trying to convey the power behind his words.

"Right." She shook her head, laughing a flat, humorless laugh. "Like you would know." And when he didn't tear his eyes from her, he knew she understood. He knew too well.

"I never really had a father growing up," he said softly. "Only an older brother, but we stopped being close when I was pretty young. I grew more interested in computers and the internet, he more interested in girls. And then he got into trouble." He shrugged. "It was mostly my mom and me. She wasn't the best mother, but she was a mom. She tried, even though she failed a lot, mostly due to heavy drinking."

He slowly lowered himself into the chair next to her bed, staring at his hands, lost in his memories. "I told myself I would change things. This kid's life would be better. I finally had a chance to _do _something. To make it _better_ somehow." He snorted, shaking his head. "Never had the chance."

"Abortion? Miscarriage?" Kaitlin actually seemed interested in his story.

"Car accident. The trauma was too much." He shrugged, clasping his hands together, pushing aside the usual wave of heartache at the thought of what could have been. "Mother lived, baby died." He lifted his eyes to hers again, and their eyes met; she was soaking in his every word. "I may have just met you, but I've been there, Kaitlin. Here. In a very similar situation. And believe me, as crazy as it is to have a baby, sometimes it's crazier _not _to." He reached out and patted her hand, surprised when she didn't pull away or flinch. "It all depends on the person."

She just stared at him, their conversation over. He had said what he needed to say, she heard what she needed to hear, and now they could just accept it. "If she isn't already, Marissa is falling in love with you."

He raised his eyebrows incredulously. "I don't know about that."

Kaitlin laughed now. "Oh God, she looks at you like you created the freaking world beneath her feet. It's…."

"Sick to look at?" he asked, teasing her.

She smiled, and he knew that he had won her respect. "Yes, exactly." She smirked and picked at her blanket. "You aren't so bad, Atwood."

"I guess you're alright, too," he said with a faked nonchalant shrug. She just laughed.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Ryan left the room when Marissa returned with Julie so that the three Cooper girls could talk. He decided to go outside the hospital, needing some fresh air. He found a bench under some shade and sat, resting his elbows on his knees as he thought of the past couple of days. He had almost kissed Marissa, confessed he was in love with her, come home with her to help after her friend and sister's car accident, slept in the same bed with her, and confessed to her younger sister something he hadn't even planned on telling Marissa. It had been a crazy two days.

The truth was, he was afraid of being completely honest with Marissa. Telling her about his past would only mean revealing who he truly was, and he knew how that would turn out. He had waited too long to tell her the truth of their former relationship, and now if it came out, she would get really, really upset. She wouldn't want to ever see or talk to him again. After knowing what it was like to just _hold _her, he couldn't lose her. He wouldn't.

He was so lost in thought that he didn't notice Marissa walking towards him until she had sat down and rested her hand on his. "Hey," he said softly, turning to offer her a soft smile.

"Hey," she replied.

"Is everything okay?" he asked, genuinely concerned. He moved their hands so he could rub his thumb over her hand, and it sent a million shivers down his spine.

"Yeah. We talked to Kaitlin about this whole pregnancy thing. She says she want to keep the baby." He felt her gaze on the side of his face, but he didn't turn to her, just continued lighting rubbing her hand. "She said you told her what happened to you, and it helped her realize just what she wanted." He froze. "Ryan…"

He waited for her to yell at him for not telling her the truth, to get mad at him for convincing her little sister to go through with having a child. Instead, she moved her hand and laced their fingers together, resting her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry," she murmured, and his whole body softened.

"I should have told you," he murmured, resting his head against hers, amazed at the warmth of her body beside him.

"Yeah, you should have," she merely said, her voice neither upset nor happy. It just _was_. They just _were_. Together. "Why didn't you?"

"I don't like talking about it," he said honestly. "It still hurts to think about. It only happened a year ago. When I think of what would have been. What could have been…"

Marissa pulled back enough and rested her hand on the side of his face, turning him so he stared into her eyes. "Ryan, what you've been through is tragic. We can talk about it, or not talk about it." She shook her head in amazement, letting out a flat laugh. "I just… I have this _need_ to know everything about you. I _want _to know everything about you."

He stared from her eyes to her lips, and her proximity made him lose all rational thought. He wanted to kiss those lips. Those luscious, soft lips. He wanted to taste her. To _love _her. "I want you to know everything about me," he murmured, eyes locked on her lips.

She was just as affected by his proximity. She couldn't process anything other than Ryan right now. And she wanted him. She wanted to kiss him. Taste him. Learn everything about him, every inch of his skin, every memory he had, every thought he had ever thought. She _wanted _him. She _needed _him. Now.

This time, there wasn't a phone. No one was here to interrupt them. It was just them, Ryan and Marissa. Finally, they closed the gap, and their lips brushed every so delicately. Ryan thought he was dreaming, everything felt so amazing and spectacular. Marissa could have sworn fireworks were bursting in the background somewhere, and every cell of her being felt alive and on fire. He tasted delicious. He felt incredible.

She opened her mouth to him, and their tongues explored. Marissa's hands raked through his unbelievably soft blond hair, and she let out a moan in the back of her throat as they kissed because it felt so _right_. God, had anything ever felt this _right_?

Except, it wasn't right. She had a boyfriend. She had a friend literally fighting for his life in the building right next to her, a sister going through something absolutely life-changing, and a _boyfriend who loved her_. She wasn't _supposed_ to be kissing Ryan. He was her _best friend._ What was she _doing_?

And as quickly as the fireworks had started, they ended. Marissa abruptly pulled back, gasping, touching her fingers to her lips. She avoided Ryan's confused and worried gaze, his gentle pleas. She stood, muttered something about it being _wrong_, and ran off. Ryan could only stare after her, wondering how she could possibly call them _wrong_. They were the only thing _right_.

He ran his hand through his hair, slamming his fist down onto the bench, ignoring the pain. Ignoring the heartache. Trying desperately to ignore the absolute devastation.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**A/N You guys are too incredible to be reading this all these years later. I love all of you, and every review means the world to me. Thank you.**

**Individual Replies:**

**xoElle23 –** Ryan seems to be too afraid. Is he rightfully so? Only time can tell!

**Yuki –** I'm glad you like my story! I feel like it's hard to follow haha. As I wrote earlier, it's /dzunig1

**muot-I –** Yes, but the beauty is when she finally does realize everything!

**Othswifty –** I hope I didn't disappoint :)

**RMforever –** Well thank you for reviewing and promoting my story :) I truly appreciate it.

Jennybunney – Thank you for sticking with me! I'm not exactly the most reliable haha. But I think this is a new record for number of posts in a row without a year hiatus.

**Kelly –** I'm glad you're still interested! I couldn't give up on this story because it honestly still feels like I just started it yesterday. The years went by so fast. So much happened, and I guess that's what made it seem like hardly any time passed. It's good to be back and writing though!

**Skillz37 –** Well, thank you for reviewing! I will definitely see this story through, don't worry.


	14. Straight Tequila Night

**A/N Hey guys. I am officially on break, so HOPEFULLY I can update a little bit more. I wouldn't be so sure though. I have a four year old sister and a fourteen year old brother who tend to think that my return home means I am a slave for their entertainment. Anyway, thanks for the lovely reviews. You guys always know how to make my day. As always, please please please review and enjoy :)**

**This chapter is dedicated to**_toastbaby_** on tumblr. I was feeling really depressed and I found your posts promoting my story. It made me smile and feel a little less horrible. Thank you so much for that.**

_Don't ask her on a straight tequila night._  
_She'll start thinkin' about him, then she's ready to fight._  
_Blames her broken heart on every man in sight,_  
_On a straight tequila night.  
- John Anderson "Straight Tequila Night"_

Heartbreak, Ryan decided, was a storm. An incredibly violent, striking storm that blew through and shattered everything. He felt like his insides were dominated by a hurricane, and that hurricane's name was once again Marissa Cooper.

He knew he should have learned all those years ago when he first left that loving Marissa was wrong and they had drifted apart for a reason. But now that he had felt her in his arms, had _tasted _her lips, he couldn't ever leave her again. He needed her, as much as air, more than water – maybe more than anything physical or life-sustaining in this world.

Yet, here he was, sitting on the same bench where his whole life had both come together and fallen apart, wondering where he had possibly gone _wrong_.

About five minutes after Marissa's hasty departure, Ryan finally had the energy and will to stand up and walk back into the hospital. He pulled out his phone and tried to call Marissa, but it went straight to voicemail. Wherever she was, she didn't want to be reached at the moment.

So, he did the only thing he could think of - returned to Kaitlin's room. She was alone again, watching daytime television with a bored expression, rolling her eyes at something that was said. She saw him and raised her eyebrows, lifting the remote and turning off the TV. "Atwood."

"Cooper junior," he said with a forced smile.

She grimaced. "Uh, we'll need to work on the nickname." He sat down in the chair by her bed, actually smiling until she asked, "So, what's wrong?"

He sighed and looked down before meeting her knowing gaze. "Your sister kind of ran off."

"Ah, yes, Marissa tends to make a dramatic entrance. Or exit. Depends on the situation." She eyed him carefully. "What did you do?"

"Now, how do you know _I _did something?" he asked, leaning back and raising his eyebrows.

"Because you have that guilty look all over your face." She gestured in the air as if it were obvious. "So spill."

"Well…" he trailed off, wondering exactly how much he should tell Kaitlin. What happened between him and Marissa was private. Then again, he had no way of finding her in this unfamiliar place. He didn't even know what street they were on. Or the name of the hospital. "We may have kind of sort of kissed…"

Kaitlin tilted her head and smirked, her eyebrows speaking more than any words. "Uh huh."

"And then she _may _have freaked out and ran off…"

"I wonder why," Kaitlin said sarcastically. Ryan gave her a 'what are you talking about' look and she sighed, rolling her eyes. "Ryan, she has a boyfriend."

"But Luke is…"

She cut him off. "A complete douche. A jackass. A dimwitted moron more interested in partying and surfing than Marissa or _anything_." She nodded and gave him a shrug. "I know. But he's her _boyfriend_. My sister is many things, but _loose_ is not one of them. She feels guilty."

"So what do I do?" he asked, at a loss. He knew that Luke was an issue. He hadn't expected to jump into a relationship with Marissa the second they kissed. He hadn't even _planned_ on kissing her. But he had no idea what to do in any sort of relationship. Theresa always did the work, and he never loved her. Now that he had a _real _girl here in front of him that he _wanted _to be with, he had no idea what to do.

"Well, first, recognize the fact that she is really, really confused." At Ryan's furrowed eyebrows. "She has feelings for you, Ryan, but she's with Luke."

"She doesn't love Luke," he argued exasperatedly. He honestly did not see how there could be any sort of confusion. She didn't love Luke. Not the way she had loved him all those years ago. Not the way he was _sure _he could make her love him now.

"She loves Luke," Kaitlin argued quietly. At Ryan's eyes, she added, "She just isn't _in _love with him. And she needs to realize that."

Ryan sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "So what am I supposed to do? I've been in love with her for so long now. I don't know how much more of _this _I can take."

"Patience, Atwood. It's all about patience." She shrugged and smiled softly. "You two would be wonderful together. Someday you will be. You just have to wait for things to sort themselves out."

"How long is that going to be though?"

Kaitlin shrugged once again. "I have no idea. That's for Marissa and you to decide." Ryan slumped in the chair, feeling defeated. The love of his life had a boyfriend, had run off when he kissed her, and was somewhere in this town but he had no idea where. He didn't know where to find her, and he simply _missed_ her. It hadn't even been an hour and he _missed _Marissa. How pathetic was that? "But, for now, you should go to her. Let her know what she's missing."

Ryan smiled slightly at that. "I have no idea where she could be."

"I do." Ryan raised his eyebrows. "Okay, so I may have been nosy as a child." Ryan smirked and gave her a look. "Okay, so I may _still _be nosy. Anyway, I happen to know that Marissa used to go to this place called Charlie's whenever she needed to get away. Which, was a lot."

"Charlie's.. where is that?" He tried to think of where he had been earlier. And, as it turned out, Marissa had left the car and keys with him.

"Grab a piece of paper. I'll give you directions."

After she wrote down the instructions for him, Ryan stood and smiled at her. "Thank you, Kaitlin. I really appreciate this."

"So I have a soft spot for my sister. Sue me." She just shrugged nonchalantly, but he could see the sparkle in her eyes.

He walked to the door, but turned back. "She told me what you decided." Kaitlin's eyes dimmed, and she grew uncomfortable. "That you're going to keep it."

She nodded without saying anything, folding her arms across her chest. She bit her lip, then quietly asked, "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." He stared at her sincerely, trying to seem open and warm, though all his life he had been shut off and cold to most people. Except Marissa.

"Were you scared when you first found out?" She avoided his gaze, picking at the bedspread.

"Terrified," he admitted softly. He walked back to the side of her bed slowly, not wanting to overstep his boundaries, but wanting her to know he understood. "I was so scared. All the time. But despite all that, I also felt excited. Nervous, but ready. I knew that I would handle it some way." He patted her hand. "You will too."

"What if I don't?" And there was the true Kaitlin Cooper, terrified and all alone, pregnant in a hospital, her boyfriend and the father of her child fighting for his life. She was frightened and had no idea how things could possibly work out, but she knew she wanted to try.

"You will. You're strong." She gave him a look that said she didn't believe him, and he said, "Give me your cell phone."

She reached for her phone, having been protected by her purse during the accident, and handed it over to him with a suspicious stare. "What are you doing?"

He programmed his name and number into the phone. "Here's my number. Anytime you feel overwhelmed, contact me. Call, text – doesn't matter." He handed her back the phone, holding her surprised gaze. "I don't know what will happen with me and Marissa, but that doesn't mean I don't care what happens to you."

"You barely know me."

He nodded. "But I've been in a very similar situation. So, right now, I know you better than anyone else." He went back to the door, turning one last time. "And, of course, you have Brett to talk to when he wakes up."

He started to leave but she called out to him. "Ryan… thank you."

He just shrugged. "It's what anyone would have done."

She shook her head, her eyes serious and vulnerable. "No…. not that, though I'm grateful for that too." She paused, rubbing her arms as if cold, but he knew she was just frightened. "Thank you for saying 'when', not 'if'."

He smiled softly, touched by the gentleness in her eyes. "I'll see you later, Kaitlin," he said, before turning to go find Marissa.

XXXXXX

Confusion, Marissa decided, was an abandoned island. Relatively large, filled with variety, and expansive. Every step was a journey, every discovery a new choice, every option seemingly viable. Impossibly disorienting and tiring.

And she was confused, too. There was far too much going on in her life not to be. Somehow in one semester, Ryan Atwood had completely wiggled his way into her heart and life as if he had always been there. He had become the single most important thing to her, and in his presence she often forgot the rest of the world existed. He made her smile and laugh and feel warm and happy; she wanted so badly to make him feel the same way, that she often found herself devoting entire hours or days to just making sure he continuously smiled. When he looked at her, she felt like the most beautiful person in the entire world. When he kissed her, she felt more alive than ever, even more alive than she felt while talking to Ryan Mackenzie all those years ago.

But she shouldn't know what it felt like to kiss Ryan. She shouldn't think of him in a way other than a friend. She shouldn't think of him in a way other than she would think of Brett or Seth. Yet, she had felt so drawn to him that she had kissed him and _liked _it. There were boundaries for friends, and she had finally crossed over where she couldn't rationalize it anymore.

Before, she had been able to say their relationship was purely platonic. They held hands, but friends could hold hands. They hugged, but friends could hug. They had slept in the same bed, but she used to have sleepovers with friends all the time when she was younger. But kissing? That was something even Marissa couldn't justify or label as purely platonic.

She had Luke. She knew that. Luke was nice. She loved him, really. Just because she didn't feel butterflies or sparks or fireworks whenever she was around him didn't mean she didn't love him. She loved him differently, was all. He was comfortable and safe. She had been with him for years, and she knew he cared for her. She had lost her virginity to him. He was her boyfriend, and he had never done anything wrong to her. Sure, he had pressured her for sex for a while, but then he stopped. He was a good guy. A little snobby maybe, but nice.

And above all else, she shouldn't even be thinking about Luke or Ryan right now when Brett was in the hospital in a coma. He could wake up, or he couldn't. He could have memory loss, or he could be perfectly fine. He could live or he could die, and she was worrying about boys? Could she be more selfish?

With all this in mind, she found herself at the bar Charlie's in the middle of the day, staring blankly at a full bottle of bourbon that she had stolen from her mom's liquor cabinet. She knew the bartender, and he knew her well enough to just leave her alone in her booth in the shadows with her home-brought liquor. He would give her a soda if she decided she would rather not drink. This afternoon, she didn't know which she preferred.

She had met the bartender Jake when she was fifteen. He was 23 then and had an easy smile. Distraught about Ryan Mackenzie's disappearance as he moved to Chino, she had stumbled around in the cold with a stolen bottle of vodka. He was on a smoking break and saw her crying on the bench with the half-empty bottle of vodka next to her. He led her inside, handed her a coke, and let her just talk.

He was the only person other than Brett that she had told about Ryan. He listened to her talk for hours about him, and looked in the other direction when she took sips of the alcohol. He knew he would lose his job and get in trouble if he allowed her to drink, so he pretended like he didn't know. He never served her anything but non-alcoholic drinks. He ignored it when older men bought drinks and handed one to her. All he ever did was listen and hand her glass after glass of coke or water until she could stop feeling so horrible and face her life back at home.

He glanced her way every now and then, probably curious why she was back after all this time, but she didn't even acknowledge him. Right now, not even talking to Jake could make her feel better. Not even opening that untouched bottle of bourbon in front of her could make this island less confusing.

XXXXXXX

Love, Ryan thought, was a garden. Beautiful. Intoxicating. Both extravagant and simple yet natural. From a respectable distance, it looked nice. Smelled nice. Seemed pretty. Up close, inspecting the flower petals and colors, it was dazzling. Brilliant. Amazing. But with the beauty of a rose came the poke of the thorns. With the warmth of love came the possibility of pain.

He loved Marissa so much that it hurt. He hurt thinking that she didn't want to be with him, but honestly, it hurt more thinking that she was out there somewhere hurting. He wanted to be with her, but more than that, he wanted to take care of her. If that meant keeping his distance, that would be okay. But right now he just needed to know that she was okay.

Charlie's was a small bar not far away from the Bait Shop by the pier. Ryan felt completely confused and unsure of his surroundings and desperately hoped Kaitlin's directions would get him where he needed to go. Which, to his utter luck, they did.

He entered the bar slowly and quietly, almost as if something sinister and dark lurked beyond the entrance. The small bar wasn't sinister, but it certainly was dimly lit. It reminded Ryan of those bars you see in movies and television where people gathered around and quietly drank away their sorrows. Observing the few people hunched over their liquor, he decided that's exactly the attraction of this bar.

He had to look around carefully to find Marissa, but when he saw her, his heart constricted in his chest. She, too, was hunched over a drink, though instead of occasionally sipping from the bottle, she merely stared at it. He couldn't tell if she had downed any yet, but he wanted to make sure she didn't drink any more.

He started walking to her booth when a calm, deep voice quietly said, "I wouldn't do that."

Ryan turned to find the bartender staring at him with eyes that reminded Ryan of the frostiness of ice. "Um, excuse me?"

The bartender tilted his head in Marissa's direction. "Talk to her. Don't do it."

Ryan furrowed his eyebrows. "Why not?"

The bartender placed the bottle of whiskey he was holding on the counter and leaned down on his elbows, getting closer to Ryan as he dropped his voice. "Because she's not in a state to talk to you. She's been coming here for years. I know her pretty well." He looked in Marissa's direction. "See that bottle? That means 'Do Not Disturb' in Marissa language. The presence of hard alcohol around her means she wants to be alone. She's busy thinking again."

"Thinking about what?" Ryan asked, wondering how well this bartender knew his best friend. He sat down at a bar stool, deciding to learn as much from this guy as possible. If Marissa had been coming here for years, then maybe he could tell Ryan a little about what she was like when he was away.

"A guy. The love of her life." The bartender shrugged. "One of the many reasons people drink."

"You've known her for years…. How long?" Ryan eyed the guy carefully.

"Since she was fifteen. I found her crying outside with a half-empty bottle of vodka beside her. I brought her in and gave her a soda." He shrugged, lifting the bottle again and pouring a drink for a guy at the end of the bar. "She's been a regular ever since. Until she started college anyway."

"Why are you so open about her personal business?" Ryan asked, not liking that his guy would so readily give up information. Sure Ryan wanted to know these things, but shouldn't this guy keep some things to himself?

"Because you obviously know and love her." Ryan was once again annoyed by how transparent his feelings for this girl were. "And because you're different than the other guys that talk her up."

"What other guys?" And as much as he meant to, Ryan couldn't keep the jealousy from showing.

The bartender smiled without showing any teeth. "All the other guys. She's a hit here. Most nights the past year or two she has been fine. Just drinks her soda or water and listens to music and laughs with the guys who hit on her." The bartender set his lips in a firm line. "But before that, and every now and then still, she brings her own bottle of alcohol, sits in that booth back there where it's just dark enough that you usually can't see her, and just stares and drinks. Sometimes she finishes the bottle, other times she doesn't even open it."

"So what does she do with these guys?" Ryan tried not to clench his fists at the thought of all these older perverts hitting on _his _Marissa. Because damn't, she did slightly belong to him, didn't she? Screw Luke.

"Oh, just talks and laughs. Occasionally someone will start up the jukebox and she'll dance if they ask." The bartender shrugged. "But it's all innocent. She has a boyfriend."

"The love of her life?"

The bartender smirked and gave Ryan a knowing look. "We both know that's not true."

Ryan looked down, caught. He sighed and said, "You know I have to talk to her. I don't have a choice. I love her."

The guy nodded, smiling softly. "I know. I can tell." He handed Ryan a glass of coke and said, "Just do me a favor? Be careful. She's one of the good ones."

"I know," Ryan said softly, glancing over at Marissa, who still stared at the bottle. "I know."

He took the glass and walked over to the booth, quietly sliding in next to her, careful that he didn't scare her or anything. She didn't even glance his way, just stared at the bottle, which Ryan could now see was full. He placed the glass of soda in front of her and looked at her with eyes full of pain and love. Sometimes he wondered if those were one in the same.

"Hey," he murmured softly, leaning his forehead against her shoulder, needing to feel her alive and well against him.

She didn't flinch, just sat there staring blankly at that bottle. "Hey," she quietly responded.

He kissed her shoulder tenderly in a non-sexual way before pulling away, just staring at her. "Riss, are you okay?"

She shrugged, her small shoulders bobbing up and down like a buoy. "I don't know, Ry."

"What do you know?" he asked seriously, wondering where they stood.

She finally tore her gaze from the bottle and turned her head, resulting in their noses grazing and foreheads pressing up against each other. She stared into his eyes before dipping her gaze to his lips. "That I have a lot to figure out."

"Riss…" he murmured, twirling her hair around his finger. Her smell was intoxicating. Her breath was against his lips and he just wanted to close the gap, but he wouldn't. Not this time. Not without her initiating it for sure this time.

"I'm glad you found me," she admitted quietly, lifting her gaze back to his eyes. With that, she closed her eyes and rested her head on his shoulder, pulling his arms around her, nestling against his chest and neck.

Ryan was thinking the exact same thing, that he was glad he found her. But instead of being glad he found her in the bar, he was glad he found her in his life again after all this time. Because regardless of what she decided about the two of them, holding her in his arms at this moment, feeling her chest rise and fall as she breathed, he could never regret this. No matter how much pain. No matter how much heartache. This feeling, this warmth, was worth it.

XXXX

_**Again, if you want to follow me on tumblr, twitter, or wordpress I am /dzunig1.**_

_**Also, I love private messages if you just want to chat, or emails as well if you don't have a site on here. For that email me at nightofhorror at gmail . com. Remove the spaces and put the "at" symbol since this site hates those.**_

_**All of this information is posted in my profile, btw.**_

**Individual Replies:**

**Guest (RMforever):** That's so nice of you to say. Marissa is going to have to struggle and fight the denial for a while before she finally admits the extent of her feelings for Ryan. And similarly, Ryan will have to struggle with the guilt and fear of telling Marissa the truth about himself as well.

**xoElle23:** Thank you :) I like the idea of Ryan and Kaitlin getting along.

**Sailaway:** Hi :) I, too, cannot believe I am done with my first semester of college. Finals went well, I think. We shall see. Not all my grades are posted yet. I did get an A in English ;) And of course I am still writing RM. I kind of can't get over how much I love them. It's been six and a half years since she died and I'm still not okay with it haha.

**Anon:** Aw, making your day makes MY day. I'm glad you're still interested and I hope you continue to check for updates now.

**Jenbunney:** I think I did well on my finals :) Two grades still aren't posted. Sigh. Anyway, hope you enjoy this!

**Dannie:** I love new readers. I hope you continue to like this.

**B18:** While I wouldn't say I'm an amazing writer, I am very glad you love this story so much!


	15. Crazy for This Girl

**A/N Sorry for the wait! My family kind of doesn't let me have a lot of free time. It's hard to write late at night when you're exhausted from a long day. But I will be flying back to Arizona on Monday, so I'll be able to start posting regularly again after that. Thanks for the FEW reviews I did receive. You guys make me happy :) R/R, and enjoy!**

**Fun fact: I don't think I've ever updated this story this much consistently since I first started. Yay for productivity!**

Ryan eventually coaxed Marissa back to the hospital. Once there, Julie bombarded them, hands shaking. "Where have you been? I've been trying to call you."

"I had my phone off," Marissa mumbled, rubbing her eyes tiredly. "What's wrong? What happened?"

"It's Brett." Ryan felt Marissa tense beside him and they both reached for each other's hands, no one in particular making the decision to link their fingers together, but the two mutually joining them. "He started hemorrhaging."

"Oh my God." She instinctively leaned against Ryan, who wrapped his arm around her, slightly squeezing so she knew he was there for her. She bit her lip and tried to keep back the tears rapidly filling her eyes. "What happened? He was fine this morning."

"The doctors haven't said much of anything. They took him into surgery a few minutes ago. It was all unexpected." Julie put her shaky hands to her mouth, tears pouring over.

"Well is he going to be okay?" Marissa asked, beginning to shake herself.

Just then, Brett's mom arrived behind Julie, placing her hand on the woman's shoulder. "We don't know." Oddly enough, his mother was the calmest of all of them, her eyes clear and face straight. "Right now all we can do is wait."

Julie walked back to Kaitlin's room and Brett's mom went off to get coffee. Marissa turned to Ryan and after one look at her teary eyes, he opened his arms and she buried her head in the crook of his neck, sobs wracking her body. "What if he doesn't make it?" She whispered, her words muffled.

"Riss…" he murmured, holding her tightly. He held her head with one hand and soothingly rubbed her back with his other, wanting to comfort her the best he could. "He is going to be okay."

"How do you know that?" she cried, her body shaking with every intake of air. "We thought he was fine this morning and now he is possibly dying."

He pulled back, placing his hands on the side of her face, forcing her to stare into his eyes. Her eyes were cloudy and teary, her face streaked with mascara and tears. But to him, she was beautiful. She would always be beautiful. So much that it made his chest constrict. "He's going to be okay," he said, smiling reassuringly at her. "He's going to wake up and you're going to yell at him for worrying you…" She let out a short laugh at that, then just smiled at him sadly, wanting to believe him. "And I'm going to be here and tell you that I told you so, and you're going to just smile that way you do when things go the way I tell you they will."

"What kind of smile?" she asked, her eyes soft and bright as she stared at him. When she looked at him this way, he was sure that she loved him. She had to. No one had ever looked at him this way before, not even Theresa. No one had ever put so much faith into him.

"It's a cute smile," he said, grinning at her. He wiped away her tears with the pads of his thumbs and leaned in to press a tender kiss against her forehead. "I look forward to seeing it."

She just shook her head in amazement and hugged him tightly, her breath tickling his neck as she resumed her previous position, this time without the crying. "You're too good to me," she murmured, hugging him tighter as if she were afraid he would let go.

But the thing was – he could never let go. Not again. "Maybe no one else just treats you the way you should." He moved his face and kissed the top of her head gently. His phone started vibrating and he reluctantly pulled back from the embrace. She eyed him warily, as if afraid he would find someone more important to attend to, and he looked at his phone. "It's Seth." He smiled apologetically. "He's probably wondering where I disappeared to."

"Answer it." She wrapped her arms around herself, still slightly shivering, though calmer.

"You sure?" he asked softly, worried about her. He reached out and rubbed her arm, noticing the goose bumps. "You cold?"

She shrugged and nodded. "A little."

He pulled off his own jacket and wrapped it around shoulders. "Where's your jacket?"

"I think I left it in the car?" She shrugged. "It's been a crazy day. Answer your phone though. I'll be fine." She smiled softly at him, one that actually reached her eyes. "Promise."

"Okay, I'll be right back." He pressed the answer button and stepped away from her and everyone else in the room. "Hey."

"Ryan? Where the hell have you been?" Seth sounded far away, and there was a plethora of sounds in the background, like he was out at the mall or something.

"In Newport, actually."

"What?!" Seth shouted into Ryan's ear. Ryan winced and prepared himself.

"Brett was in a car accident. I'm surprised you didn't know…"

"I did know. I just had a final to finish this morning. That doesn't explain why _you_ are in Newport. Or did you and Brett become best friends randomly?"

"Well, Marissa was upset when she got the call and I drove us both the airport and got us tickets before I really thought about it." Ryan sighed, rubbing his neck. "She needs me, Seth."

"She needs Luke. You're her _friend_."

"_Best _friend," Ryan corrected sternly. "That has to mean something."

"Yeah, it means you need to be careful, Ryan." Seth sighed, and Ryan knew he was upset by this turn of events. Seth was only looking out for Ryan; he knew that. He knew that Seth wanted to make sure neither Ryan nor Marissa got hurt, and that's why he said these things. Still, Ryan didn't want to be lectured. Not right now. Not when he already felt guilty for kissing Marissa.

"I'm trying, okay?" Ryan said, frustrated. "I don't mean to put myself in these situations. But what we have, Seth, is just friendship. No matter what, she doesn't want anything more. Not right now. Not when Brett is in the hospital or Luke is with her. She just wants to be friends and figure out the rest later."

"What do you mean by 'the rest'?" Ryan groaned; Seth was too good at listening sometimes. Which was impressive, considering the kid never stopped talking to listen. "Ryan, did something happen?"

Which time? He had both slept in the same bed as Marissa and kissed her. "We may have gotten slightly…closer… here."

"Just how close, Ryan?" Seth's voice was uneasy and concerned, which touched Ryan as much as it annoyed him.

"Well, last night we both fell asleep in the same bed." Before Seth could cut in, Ryan quickly added, "It was completely innocent."

"Ryan.." Seth began, but Ryan wouldn't let him finish yet.

"And we may have kissed this morning."

Now Seth blew up. "Ryan, she has a boyfriend. You may love her, hell, maybe she loves you, but you _cannot_ be that person. That guy. You have to respect the fact that she has a boyfriend."

"She pulled way and ran off," Ryan said as if Seth hadn't spoken. "And that's it. Now Brett is hemorrhaging and Marissa is worried and I'm just her best friend trying to comfort her."

Seth remained silent for longer than Ryan was comfortable with. "Well, when is Luke coming back home?"

"In two days," Ryan said, trying not to groan at the thought of having to share Marissa again. Even if it was with her boyfriend.

"And what are you going to do then?"

"What do you mean?"

Seth sighed. "Well, do you think Luke is going to put up with you sleeping in the same bed as his girlfriend?"

"No…" Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Then it's settled. You'll stay with me and my parents."

Ryan froze. "What?"

"Think about it. You can't just stay there with Marissa. You're obviously not going anywhere. So this is the compromise." Seth paused. "Take it or leave it."

Ryan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I have to think about it."

"That's all I can ask for, I guess." There was a commotion, and then Seth said, "Look, my flight is about to board. I'll see you tomorrow? My parents are going to bombard me today."

"Yeah, see you tomorrow," Ryan said, and they both hung up. He sighed and slid his phone back into his pocket before walking to Marissa. She was sitting in a chair, bouncing her knee up and down, looking frazzled. "Hey," he said softly, sitting down beside her, resting his hand on her knee. "You okay?"

She smiled at him weakly. "Working on it." She rested her head on his shoulder, letting him wrap an arm around her. "What did Seth want?"

He thought of Seth's warnings and pleas. The judgment. The lectures. Marissa was already going through enough. "He told me he is on his way to Newport."

"Does he know about Brett?"

Ryan rubbed her arm soothingly. "Yeah. He'll probably come visit tomorrow. If not later on close to night. I'm not sure."

"Luke called while you were on the phone."

Ryan froze, his entire body turning cold at the thought of Luke. "Yeah?" he said, trying to sound okay, though he felt far from it.

She snuggled further against him. "Yeah. I told him to take his time and do well on his tests. I have the most incredible friend to help me through all this."

"Oh yeah?" he said, swallowing the large lump in his throat.

She smiled, though he couldn't see it. She smiled because it was true and she was falling in love with this boy and she couldn't believe her incredible luck. And despite everything, she wouldn't trade that for anything. "Yeah."

XXXXXXXXXXX

After the sun had set and Brett had stabilized, Marissa finally turned to Ryan and murmured, "I need to get out of here." She gestured toward the hospital and he understood exactly what she meant. Brett was okay for now, Kaitlin was perfectly fine and giving her mother the usual hell, and Brett's mom had camped out in his room overnight already. The smell of hospital, taste of weak cafeteria coffee, and sight of anxious doctors and overly warm nurses was beginning to get to him too.

"Okay, let's go." Marissa again handed Ryan the keys to the car and sat in the passenger seat, directing him where to go. He soon realized they weren't going to her house just yet, and he grew continually confused when she had him park in an empty parking lot right next to the beach.

At his confused look, she merely said, "Let me show you." She led him to a lifeguard stand – something he had never seen in real life, only in movies and The Valley – and held his hand as they walked up the ramp. "I used to come here all the time when I lived here. Especially after things started going downhill with Ryan." She sat down, pulling him down with her, and through the railings they had a perfect view of the vast, dark ocean. "I would just stare out at the water and try to forget about him. Or at least not think about him for just a little while."

Ryan observed her – her sad eyes, soft lips, somber expression – and once again found her heartbreakingly beautiful. "Did it ever work?" he asked softly.

She shook her head and smiled weakly. "No. Not once." She turned her gaze to his and said, "When you love someone, it just doesn't go away."

He nodded, understanding more than she could ever comprehend. "Yeah." He wrapped an arm around her. "I'm sorry he hurt you."

"I'm not." He gave her a confused look, and she explained. "I loved him. Sure, I got hurt, but loving him? That feeling? It was worth it for however long it lasted. I just wish he could know that."

His heart felt heavy as he thought about that. All this time and she didn't regret a thing. He had tried to tell himself a million times that he didn't regret their relationship, and on some level he didn't. Selfishly, he loved everything about their years talking to each other. Even if he had to leave, he was glad for having known her. She saved him from everything in Chino. Without talking to Marissa as he began to mature, he might have ended up like his father and every other druggie or gang member in Chino.

But if he had never talked to her, he never would have hurt her. And how could he be selfish and not regret hurting her?

Holding her now, he had to wonder what he would be thinking about their current relationship in five or ten years. Would he still know her? Would he still love her? Would he regret having come into her life for a second time?

Would he screw all this up again?

"Ryan, about this morning…" Marissa began after a long moment of silence, tearing him from his thoughts. "We shouldn't have…"

"I know," he said, not strong enough to deal with her actually saying the words out loud. "It was wrong."

"I have a boyfriend," she added, which just twisted the knife in his chest.

"I know," he repeated, sighing softly.

"I love Luke." He turned to look at her, wondering why she sounded so out of it and why she _just wouldn't leave it alone_, and realized she wasn't talking to him. She was talking to _herself_. Trying to _convince _herself.

"No, you don't." She snapped out of her trance and turned to look at him, her eyes wide and vulnerable. And he knew he was right. She didn't love Luke. Or at least, she wasn't in love with him. "You love me."

"Ryan…" she murmured, staring at him with those tragic blue eyes of hers. With the moonlight bouncing off her hair and lighting her face, she looked angelic. Breathtaking. Beautiful. So, he did what he had to do. He kissed her.

He kissed her with the gentleness he would give a child, the tenderness you give a lover, and the care you show your friends. He kissed her with passion and magic and fire. He kissed her because he loved her, because he liked her, because he wanted her. He kissed her because in his mind there was no Luke – there was only _them_. Only _him_.

And Marissa did what she always did when things got to be too much for her to handle. She stood, mumbled something about being sorry, and ran. Right away from Ryan. And he watched her go, ignoring the pain in his heart.

XXXXXXXXX

Ryan found Marissa in her room half an hour later, changed and brushing her hair. He stood in her doorway, his form casting a shadow on her from the hallway light. She just stared at him like nothing had happened, like she hadn't broken his heart twice in the same day. "Hey."

He stepped into her room, closed the door, and turned to her, his eyes blazing with an intensity that made her have to look away. This time, he wasn't taking no. He wouldn't let her run. He needed her to know how he felt _now_. Screw timing. Screw relationships. He needed to know if she felt the same way, too.

"We need to talk, Marissa," he began, staring at her with that steady gaze of his that made her feel more like a child than a friend.

"About what?"

"Don't play dumb." He took another step toward her. "You kissed me."

"I think you actually kissed me," she pointed out, avoiding his gaze, biting her lip.

"You kissed me back." At her nonchalant shrug – which pissed him off because he knew what she was doing – he added, "You liked it."

"What makes you think that?" She asked, staring at him challengingly.

"Because if I kiss you right now you're not going to do a damn thing about it," he said, eyes narrowing at her.

"You think so, do you?" she said, her heart beating harder as he took another step toward her.

"I know so." He took the last step so he was standing right in front of her.

"I could run again," she said, trying to keep her gaze on his, even though every now and then she couldn't help but flick her eyes down at his inviting lips.

"You wouldn't dare," he murmured, pushing her down onto the bed, hovering over her. Her breath hitched at his proximity, at the warmth of his body pressed against hers, but she wasn't afraid. She wasn't upset. She wasn't even unhappy. She was actually highly excited.

"I could push you off. You wouldn't kiss me without my permission." She stared up at him, blue on blue, chests pressed against each other, hearts beating in sync.

"Then push me off," he murmured, staring at her, his chest heaving as much as hers. And it made her happy to know that she affected him as much as he affected her. It was hot.

But she didn't push him off. She was tired of pushing him away. She just wanted to give in. So she did. She placed her hands on the side of his head and pulled his head towards her, lifting her own lips to catch his. And she kissed him. God, she kissed him.

Their hands wrapped tightly around each other. Fingers raked through hair, gripped and squeezed at skin and muscle. Mouths fell open, tongues battled for dominance, breaths intertwined. Soft moans and groans came out, but they didn't stop simply because neither one of them wanted to. They were too absorbed in each other. They were too busy giving in to each other after fighting it for so long.

Ryan moved his lips to her neck, softly nipping or kissing her, making her squirm beneath him. She raked her fingers through his hair, pulling on the ends if she particularly liked something he did. "God, Ryan," she murmured, eyes closed, head back in euphoria.

"I thought you loved Luke," he murmured against her skin, fingers lifting her shirt up so that he could feel her bare stomach against his warm hands. He knew he should feel bad. He should feel horrible. He liked Luke. He was a good friend. A good roommate.

But this was _Marissa_.

"I… do…" she weakly protested, trying not to moan as she argued her point. Because that would obviously look bad.

He nipped at the spot where her shoulder and neck met, which made her wrap on leg around him, making his hips grind against hers. She groaned because it felt so _good_. When had she ever felt so satisfied? "So you want me to stop?" He pulled away and stared down at her, smirking, eyes twinkling.

She couldn't help it. Despite everything, she smiled at how adorable he looked. "No…" She leaned her lips up to capture his again, and kissed him long and slow, reminding him why he _didn't_ pull away from her before she was good and ready.

"Then what do you want?" he asked, kissing her face, her neck, her lips – anywhere he could.

"Ugh, maybe I'll just break up with Luke!" she burst out saying without thinking, just knowing she felt _right _for once in her messed up little life and she wasn't prepared to give that away. Not yet. Not ever, maybe.

Ryan paused, his lips hovering above her skin as he processed what she just said. He pulled back enough to look into her eyes, and she saw nothing but hesitance there. "Really?" he asked, and she had never heard him sound so vulnerable.

She knew then that she held his heart in between her two hands, and she had to tread carefully from now on. But in this moment, she really meant what she said. Why couldn't she be selfish for once? What could it hurt? Maybe she just could break up with Luke. It was a very real possibility. "Yes," she whispered, watching the way his eyes lit up.

He leaned down and kissed her again, differently. No longer hot and passionate, but now loving and sweet. Promising. Apologetic, though she didn't know what he could possibly be apologizing for. "Thank you," he murmured against her lips before kissing her again. Over and over and over again.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**So, your reviews (or lack thereof) determine the next chapter's outcome. Do you want a full chapter of R/M happiness, or do you want something else?**

**Individual Replies:**

**xoElle23: **What can I say, it's fate that it's the same guy ;)

**RMforever: **I'm sorry to hear you weren't having a good day, but I'm glad I could make it at least a little better. It's always nice to do that. Literally the other day I was having a really bad day and I went for a walk only to have someone throw something at me from their car. Whatever can turn our days around is nice. I'm glad you like my writing. That means a lot. I actually wrote a draft of a novel, but I doubt it will ever be published.

**Marissa Davis: **I hope you like this one too!


	16. Head Over Feet

**A/N You guys are absolutely amazing. I'm back in school now, so I will try to set a day aside to be labeled my "writing day." Probably Mondays, Wednesdays, or Fridays. I'm sorry for the two week wait, but I was trying to get adjusted and back into things. I hope to start updating once a week again now though. Thank you for all of your wonderful, incredible reviews. I love you guys. Keep it up please. Read, review, and enjoy!**

_You've already won me over in spite of me_

_And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet_

_Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are_

_I couldn't help it_

_It's all your fault_

_- Alanis Morissette "Head over Feet"_

Marissa awoke the next morning with a smile as the previous night hit her. All hell would break loose when Luke came back to town, but for right now was it so bad to just let herself be happy? That's really all she wanted. She turned and reached for Ryan, but frowned when her hand met an empty bed. She sat up and looked around, realizing Ryan wasn't in the room.

She stood and grabbed her robe, shrugging it on wrapping it around her tank top and boy shorts as she went to brush her teeth before going in search of Ryan. Was it so bad that she had wanted to wake up next to him? They hadn't had sex – he had pulled back when things started getting too heated and they spent a long while just watching The Valley together – but she wanted to wake up next to Ryan as often as she could. The disappointment of not having him next to her after an amazing night was harsh.

She found him in the kitchen flipping pancakes like a pro. She walked in and leaned against the counter, smiling at the sight of him. He caught sight of her and smiled warmly at her, flipping a pancake onto a plate before turning off the stove and walking to her. "I wanted to surprise you," he said, wrapping his arms around her.

She smiled softly, her entire heart singing as she gazed into his caring blue eyes. He truly loved her. "Sorry. I woke up and you weren't there, so I went searching for you…"

"Well, I thought you could use some breakfast in bed…" He leaned in and pressed his lips against hers gently before pulling back and asking, "How did you sleep?"

She smiled at the question because it was so thoughtful. "Really, really well." She blushed as she thought of her dreams – all filled with Ryan, some very steamy. "I feel very well-rested."

"Good," he murmured with a gentle smile.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing their bodies together. "What about you? Sleep well?"

"Really, really well…" he murmured, kissing her again. Her whole body melted against his, and she tightened her hold on him, wanting to be as close to him as possible. How could one kiss just make her feel so alive? It made her wonder how she had possibly though she'd been _living _before Ryan.

He backed her up against the counter and lifted her to sit on it, placing his hands on either side of her. She wrapped her legs around him and kissed him more deeply, her tongue sliding into his mouth. She moaned softly as he started massaging her thighs, completely overwhelmed with raw _desire _for him. She felt a pull deep in her belly and more than anything she just _wanted_ him right then and there, something she had never experienced.

His lips pulled away from hers and started to trail down her neck, nipping at some parts, making her wrap her legs around him tighter. "Mmmm…." She murmured, tangling her fingers through his thick, soft hair when he found a particularly sensitive spot.

"I love you…" he murmured into her neck, muffled so that she could barely hear it.

She opened her eyes now and pulled on his hair so that he was staring into her eyes. She tilted her head and stared at him for a long minute, trying to let him know that she did love him. She did. She just wasn't ready to say it. She was barely ready to _admit _it to _herself_, much less someone else, even if it was him. So she looked into his eyes and tried to convey the truth to him before slowly leaning in and kissing him passionately and tenderly. Because that's what they were – passionate and tender and gentle and all the best parts of love put together.

"Your food is going to get cold…" Ryan murmured against her lips, making her smile.

"We can warm it up." She slid her tongue into his mouth again, tasting him, loving him. Did he get it? Could he feel this? Could he feel her heart beating unbelievably hard and fast against her chest, bursting for _him_? She hoped so.

But, as always, a phone interrupted them. Ryan pulled back and rested his forehead against hers, smiling when she let out a displeased groan. "Patience," he murmured, pecking her lips. But she nudged her lips back against his when he tried to pull away, resting her hands on the side of his face so that he couldn't escape.

"Patience is overrated," she murmured, to which he laughed.

"What if it's important?" he finally asked when he was able to pull back.

She sighed, raising one eyebrow at him. "You really know how to ruin the mood, Atwood."

He laughed softly, rubbing her thighs affectionately. "I know, but I don't want you to regret spending time with me, not knowing if something serious has happened."

She smiled at his thoughtfulness, pecking his lips. "I couldn't regret spending time with you. But I should go see what's going on." She jumped off the counter and gave him one last lingering kiss before going back upstairs to grab her phone and get dressed.

Ryan placed the food on plates and put them in the microwave so that they wouldn't get too cold before going upstairs to get ready, finding Marissa sitting on her bed with her phone to her ear. She smiled softly at him and he walked over to her, lowering himself onto the spot next to her. She pulled her phone away from her ear and said, "My mom left a message telling me it was nothing life-threatening, but to get to the hospital as soon as possible." She turned to look at him. "What do you think it is?"

He shrugged, honestly at a lost. "I don't know. Maybe Brett had some scans done or something? Or maybe it's something about Kaitlin. Maybe she's getting released?"

She nodded, finding those highly plausible. "Well, regardless, I guess I should get dressed. I'm going to shower." She stood and turned to smirk at him. "Wanna join me?"

He gave her a look. "Marissa…"

She just laughed and said, "I was teasing you." Even if she did kind of like the idea, which was odd. She pecked his lips before walking off to go shower. He watched her go, smiling to himself, amazed at how lucky he was.

XXXXXXXXX

They arrived at the hospital an hour later, hands clasped together as they walked in. They knew she was still technically someone else's boyfriend, but just couldn't keep their hands off each other. And this was the most PG version.

Marissa found her mom in the waiting room biting her nails. "Mom, what's going on?"

Julie eyed Ryan and Marissa carefully before finally settling her gaze only on Marissa. "Why don't you see for yourself…" She gestured toward Brett's room.

Marissa, confused, did what her mom said, dragging Ryan along with her. She walked into his room and saw Kaitlin sitting beside his bed in a wheelchair, holding his hand. "Kaitlin, what's going on?"

Just then, Brett turned his head to Marissa and grinned. "Hey there."

Marissa let out a large squeal and let go of Ryan's hand, running over to her ex-best friend. "Oh my God, I'm so glad you're awake!"

She hugged him and he awkwardly patted her back the best he could with all the wires attached. "So am I. Call me crazy, but I'm kind of tired of sleeping."

Marissa pulled back, smiling happily at him, tears filling her eyes. "I was so worried. We all were."

Brett just smiled before directing his gaze behind her at the blond haired blue eyed boy staring at the scene. "And this is Ryan."

Marissa bit her lip to keep from smiling like a crazy school girl before turning to face her best friend. "Yeah, this is Ryan," she said softly, meeting his gaze and holding it.

Ryan tore his eyes from hers reluctantly and walked over to the stand beside Marissa. "It's nice to meet you," he told Brett, smiling as politely as he could, but Brett's gaze had something weird in it. He did not look happy.

"Likewise," Brett finally said, tearing his gaze from Ryan and turning his attention back to Marissa. "How have you been?"

"Other than worried?" Marissa said, raising her eyebrows.

"Something tells me you've found a way to distract yourself," he said, eyes twinkling as he teased her. But even she could see there was an edge to his words.

"Oh, Marissa, I'm getting out today," Kaitlin said, speaking up, breaking the tension. "Do you mind wheeling me to my room so that I can get my stuff together?"

Marissa, clueless, gave her a confused look before struggling. "Um… sure."

Kaitlin kissed one of Brett's hands before smiling softly at him. "I'll see you later, alright?"

He smiled lovingly back, and the affection impressed Ryan. He could tell that Brett really loved Marissa's little sister. How odd. "Alright. I'll be here."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Ryan asked the two of them, trying to get away from Brett's heavy stare.

Marissa opened her mouth to speak, but Kaitlin said, "It only takes one person to push a wheelchair, Ryan." She winked at him and mouthed, "Good luck," before both she and Marissa went out the door.

Ryan nervously shifted his weight from one foot to the other, lifting his gaze to meet Brett's intense stare. "Um… how are you feeling?"

"Well, I have a crazy fucking headache," Brett said, adjusting himself on the bed. Finally, he looked back at Ryan. "So, the infamous Ryan."

Ryan rubbed the back of his neck, wondering why Brett so obviously hated him. "I wouldn't say infamous…"

"Oh, I would." Brett's eyes narrowed. "Ryan _Mackenzie_ Atwood."

Ryan opened and closed his mouth, stupefied. How did he _know_? He cleared his throat. "I don't know what you're…"

"Oh, I don't think, I know." Suddenly Brett's intense stare and hatred didn't seem like the real problem. Ryan glanced at the door, wondering if Marissa knew. Reading his thoughts, Brett said, "She doesn't know. I don't know how she doesn't know, but she hasn't put two and two together. Me, though? Didn't take long for the evidence to build. Same first name. Same city. Likes The Valley. Talked the same way. Acted the same way. Completely fooled her the same way. Again."

"I didn't fool her," Ryan said, now getting upset. "You don't know a damn thing about me, man."

"Oh, you think she doesn't talk? That she doesn't ramble on and on about the _new _Ryan? God, you're pathetic, you know that? Taking advantage of the same girl _again_."

Ryan couldn't stand this. "I'm in love with her, Brett. I have always been in love with her. This isn't some sort of act. I'm trying to protect her."

"Trying to protect her? Or trying to protect yourself?" Brett raised his eyebrows. "You know as much as I do that she won't give you the time of day if you told her who you really are now. Your grace period has passed. You made a decision to lie, and now you're stuck with the consequences."

Ryan hated Brett, but only because he was telling the damn truth. "Are you going to tell her?" he finally asked, defeated, resigned to his fate.

Brett glared at Ryan. "I would certainly like to. She deserves to know." Ryan merely let his shoulders slump in defeat. He was going to lose Marissa. The thought pierced right through his chest to his heart. He was going to lose her _again_. "But she also deserves to be happy, and for the first time since you left, I think she finally found something that makes her feel joy again." His eyes softened and his tough-guy demeanor dropped. Ryan couldn't hate Brett. He just loved Marissa. He wanted what was best. Except, Ryan _knew _that he was best for Marissa.

"I've been in love with her since I was eleven," Ryan said softly, smiling as he remembered that moment when he _knew _that he was in love with Marissa. "And it didn't matter that she was some girl on the Internet, because she was never just _some girl_ to me. She was always _the _girl, you know?" Ryan shook his head at the memories, so overwhelmed with how much he loved Marissa. "I turned twelve, and she turned twelve, and it just grew more intense. With each passing day, I needed her more. I was a kid, but I was so in love with her. If she had asked me to run away with her, I would have. She was the only good thing in my entire life. She still is. I wouldn't be who I am today without her. I owe her my entire life, because I could've been in prison, on drugs, in a gang – hell, even dead if I never met her. But she made me want to be better than my dad and brother. She made me want to be better so that I deserved her.

"And I know I don't deserve her. I know I've never deserved her. I certainly lost whatever stake I had on her when I left all those years ago." Ryan met Brett's passive gaze. "But I was trying to protect her. Because me? I'm nothing special. But her? She's everything special about this world. You know that. I know that. And I messed up, but please, I _love _her. I always have. I always will."

Brett remained silent for a long while, a frown on his face. "Kaitlin told me what you did for her. Giving her your number. Helping her decide to keep the baby." He sighed, looking at the wall as he spoke to keep his emotions in check. "We were arguing about whether or not to keep it when the accident happened. I said we should keep it and raise it. She said it was her life, her body. I said it was both of our lives she was talking about, and a child's." He turned back to meet Ryan's silent gaze. "I wanted to hate you."

Ryan nodded. "I understand."

But Brett finally he reached out his hand for Ryan to shake. Without saying a word, Ryan shook it firmly. "But hey, you better not make me regret it."

"I won't," Ryan said with a genuine smile.

XXXXXX

Later that day as Ryan stayed in the waiting room waiting for Marissa to finish talking to Brett, he was pleasantly surprised when Marissa walked over to him, all smiles. He stood and smiled at her. "Hey you," she said, reaching for his hands and lacing their fingers together as she smiled at him.

"Hey… I thought you would take longer with Brett…" He couldn't stop the happiness. God, when had he ever been this happy?

"Well, we talked about a lot of things. I left out some details about us until things get figured out, but we talked about you." She smiled, so he relaxed – Brett obviously hadn't told her the truth. "I think he is warming up to you."

"Oh really?" he asked, smiling softly at her. Her happiness was beautiful on her.

"Yes." She looked around, and when she decided they were alone, leaned in to kiss him softly. When she pulled back she breathlessly asked, "Is it bad that I missed this already?"

He laughed softly, shaking his head. "No, because I did too."

She kissed him quickly, but both remained mindful of the fact that they were in a hospital and could get caught. "Come on, I'm starving, let's go to the cafeteria."

They walked hand in hand to the hospital cafeteria and both grabbed a saran-wrapped sandwich and a bottle of juice. They found a table in the corner of the cafeteria, and sat down, both smiling shyly at each other. "So, how are you with everything?" Ryan asked, knowing that having your friend come out of a coma was pretty big deal.

"I'm trying to wrap my head around everything," Marissa honestly replied, unwrapping her sandwich. "A lot has happened the last few days…" She looked at him, knowing immediately where his thoughts would go. She reached across the table and grabbed his hand, squeezing it gently. "Some pretty incredible things, and some very troublesome things. I'm just trying to keep up."

He nodded, completely understanding. "I think that's normal." He unwrapped his own sandwich and took a bite, surprised by how hungry he was. He chewed thoughtfully, an idea forming in his head. "You know what I think we should do?"

She swallowed and took a gulp of her juice. "What?"

He smiled and reached for her hands, rubbing his thumbs tenderly against her skin. "I think we should go out tonight. Me and you. It's our last night before Luke comes back and things get crazy. Let's enjoy it."

She tilted her head, incredibly overwhelmed with how thoughtful he was. "That sounds really, really nice.."

He smiled and pulled his hands away to grab his sandwich again. "Any ideas of where you want to go?"

"Luke…" she said weirdly.

He had his eyes on his sandwich, not on her, so he didn't see her staring behind him at the entrance of the cafeteria. "There's a place called Luke's?" He asked before taking a bite from his sandwich.

He caught her look and froze mid-chew. "No, I mean… Luke…"

He turned and saw Luke walking toward them looking like a man on a mission. Marissa stood and he immediately engulfed her in a huge hug. "Hey, babe," he said softly, kissing her cheek tenderly.

"Luke… hey…" she said, startled. She returned the hug, but gave Ryan a confused look over Luke's shoulder. "I thought you weren't coming until tomorrow…"

Luke pulled away and looked at her, resting his hands on her hips. "I wasn't going to, but I couldn't stand being apart from you another day knowing that you were going through this. I talked to my teacher and to the Dean, explained what the situation was, and they let me take the final early. I grabbed the first flight I could after the test." He cupped Marissa's cheek gently, angling his head at her. "Are you okay?"

Marissa finally returned Luke's gaze, still startled. "Yeah, I'm fine. Brett woke up, actually. Today. This morning."

Luke visibly relaxed. "I'm so glad. I was so worried about you, and about him…" Luke seemed to remember that Ryan was there and turned to face his roommate. "Hey, I want to thank you for taking care of Marissa for me." Luke wrapped his arm around Marissa, snugly fitting her into the side of his body. Marissa just went along with it, avoiding Ryan's gaze, which confused Ryan greatly. Luke kissed Marissa's temple. "You're a great friend."

Ryan stared between the two, at the way Luke was so genuinely concerned for Marissa and the way Marissa wouldn't look Ryan in the eyes. And he knew then that he needed to talk to Marissa. To remind her what they had agreed. "No problem," Ryan merely said, nodding, never taking his eyes off Marissa. And even though he knew she could sense it, she refused to meet his gaze. That scared and confused him most of all.

XXXXXX

**I would just like to restate the fact that you guys are absolutely incredible. I love you guys :)**

**Individual Replies:**

**Guest: **I hope you like this chapter too!

**xoElle23:** A spoiler – quite a few things need to happen before the truth comes out. But I hope that when it does come out, that it will not disappoint.

**TVDaddict22:** Yes, kinda haha. Cause why is Marissa being so weird? Ooh…

**Jess:** Got to wait a while for the secret, but there is definitely some drama coming up to satisfy you :)

**Marissa Davis:** It's going to be a sad day when I finally get over my RM obsession lol.

**RMforever:** Aw, you're so sweet. Seriously. That made me smile. You're right though, there is A LOT of stuff that RM have to deal with before they can be truly together and happy. But just how long will it take Ryan to finally face everything? Now THAT'S the question.

**Sailaway:** I never replied to your email, did I? It's still sitting in my inbox but I rarely go on that email anymore. Sigh. But thank you for your lovely compliments. Believe me, there will be plenty of angst to satisfy your needs.

**Skillz37:** You are much too kind!

**Dfgsdfrtgfkl:** Exactly what I had in mind :)

**FlyingForward:** And next chapter you can find out just what will happen :)


	17. Only a Fool

**A/N Hey guys. Know that I devoted the better part of my Friday to this. I love all of my readers, you have no idea how much. Read and review, thanks :)**

_I gave you my life, I gave you my trust_

_I guess only a fool could love you that much_

_Cause no one falls like I did for you_

_And no one cries like a fool_

_- James House, "Only a Fool"_

Marissa Cooper was in a self-induced hell. She had two guys completely in love with her, and she had absolutely no idea what to do. Even though she had planned on telling Luke she was in love with someone else, she couldn't bear the thought of hurting him that way. So, she spent the entire day delaying her inevitable action.

Ryan stared at her as if he expected her to do something about it right _now_ and it was making her nervous. Couldn't he see that there was a time and place to break someone's heart, and now wasn't it? So she just gave him a 'cool it' look back and watched as he walked away to 'get coffee.'

Not much had happened in the two hours since Luke's arrival. Kaitlin had been officially discharged, and Brett took a short nap. Luke kept either his arm around Marissa or his hand in hers. She had never seen him this attentive, and she honestly liked it. Why couldn't he have been like this from the beginning? Maybe then she wouldn't have to break his heart; the thought of ever leaving him would in itself be ridiculous and unfathomable.

Marissa and Luke were sitting quietly in the waiting room, Marissa wondering where Ryan was and what he was doing. He had left for 'coffee' an hour ago, and she missed him. She was about to leave Luke to look for him when Seth walked into the room looking slightly frazzled. "Seth, hey," she said, standing to greet him.

He just nodded and stuck his hands in his pocket. "Hey. Um… what room is Brett…?"

"Just down the hall to the right. Room 231." She genuinely smiled thinking of Brett's recovery. "He woke up this morning."

Seth nodded and avoided her eyes. "Yeah, Ryan called me to tell me. Have to say I was surprised to have _him _keeping me updated, but that's Ryan for you." He now briefly met her eyes before looking down. "A good friend."

Marissa winced at his tone. "Seth…" She began quietly, making sure Luke couldn't hear.

Seth shook his head and shrugged. "You don't have to. I'm going to see Brett." He looked at Luke who was reading some surfing magazine. "See you Luke."

Luke looked up and stared at Seth, just now noticing his presence. "Oh, hey. Good seeing you Cohen."

Seth hid the rolling of his eyes as he walked away. "Yeah, my pleasure."

Marissa sighed, running a hand through her hair. She knew that she was hurting Ryan, but what about Luke? He would get hurt, too, and he hadn't done anything to deserve it. He had been trusting with her this entire time, and she had betrayed him. If anyone was innocent, it was him. Was it really right to break his heart just so that _she _would be happy?

She returned to the seat next to Luke, briefly flashing him a forced smile as he grinned at her. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders before turning his attention back to the surfing magazine. She watched him out of the corner of her eyes, wondering what to do. It shouldn't be this difficult, but it was. Breaking someone's heart wasn't black and white – there were so many shades of gray.

She bit her lip, folding her arms across her chest, leaning back in her seat. If only she had never let herself fall for Ryan. If only she hadn't kissed him, hadn't let him hold her in his arms, hadn't experienced what it felt like to _belong_, she wouldn't have to consider breaking someone's heart. And as she admired Luke's simple ignorance, she wondered whether tonight she would be breaking his heart, or her own.

XXXXXXXXXXX

_**March 22, 2000**_

**RyMAt87:** So, when are you going to fall into the boy-crazy category? Or wait, are you already there? :p

**MAC_12:** Well, first there has to be a boy worth falling boy-crazy over.

**RyMAt87:** And there isn't?

**MAC_12:** Nope. Not by a long shot. In fact, I kind of find the boys at my school to be either stupid, arrogant, or idiotic.

**RyMAt87:** So you're telling me you have absolutely no interest in any of these boys, they're just immature and annoying to you?

**MAC_12:** Now that I think about it, that is an absolutely perfect way to describe them!

**RyMAt87:** I find that somewhat hard to believe.

**MAC_12:** Why? I'm not all girls, Ry.

**RyMAt87:** I'm completely aware. It's just that you never talk about the guys at your school. You never talk about celebrity crushes. I have no idea what kind of guy you're even interested in.

**MAC_12:** What if I were interested in girls…?

**RyMAt87:** Um… are there any girls you're interested in….?

**MAC_12:** No, lol. I definitely like guys. I just… am holding out for the right one?

**RyMAt87:** That's good. I'm proud of you. I think that more girls should do that instead of going boy-crazy.

**MAC_12:** Thank you.

**RyMAt87:** I just have to say… whoever the guy is? He is going to be pretty lucky.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

While on his way to get some weak coffee from the cafeteria, he ran into Kaitlin, who immediately noticed the sourness on his face. "Uh oh. What d

id she do now?"

Ryan stared down at Kaitlin being wheeled around by Julie and gave her a look that said he wasn't going to talk about it in front of her mom. "Nothing."

Kaitlin eyed him for a minute before saying, "Mom, Ryan can wheel me to Brett's room, can't you, Ryan?" She gave him a challenging smirk.

"Sure," he said, trying not to sigh in front of Julie. It was weird enough that she was being nice right now; he didn't need the Julie he had always heard about to come out right now. Julie just stared between the two before leaning down to kiss Kaitlin's forehead. Kaitlin squirmed and glared at her mother.

"Gross." Ryan started to push Kaitlin toward Brett's room but she shook her head. "Not yet. I'm hungry."

Ryan sighed, rolling his eyes as he wheeled her around the other way. "You're demanding, you know that?"

Kaitlin merely smirked. "Of course. How else would I get things done?"

"Well, it's annoying," Ryan said, still upset from Marissa.

"Uh huh. You could learn a little something from me."

"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked tiredly.

"Well, if you would be upfront and demanding with Marissa, you'd have an answer to your problem one way or another," Kaitlin said carefully, which was odd because she never really cared about anyone's feelings.

"I was upfront and demanding with Marissa. She said that she would break up with Luke," Ryan informed her, not without bitterness. "And then he arrives and it's like what happened between us was all part of my imagination."

"What exactly _did _happen between you two?"

They reached the cafeteria, and Kaitlin grabbed a turkey sandwich and some baked chips while Ryan just took some god-awful coffee. They went to a table and Ryan sat opposite the table from Kaitlin, annoyed by her supposedly innocent eyes and curious smirk. "We kissed."

"You had already kissed," Kaitlin said as she unwrapped her sandwich.

"Well, we kissed a lot," he said, sipping the coffee and wincing at how weak it was.

"So, you kissed and she said she would break up with Luke. Did she really _say _that though?"

"What do you mean? You think I'm lying?" he said, glaring at her.

"No, not lying. I just think that _maybe_ you're not admitting something." Kaitlin took a bite of her sandwich, chewing slowly and thoughtfully.

"She said… " He thought about it, and her words hit him like a brick. "She said, '_Maybe I'll just break up with Luke_,'" he said softly, realizing that Kaitlin was right. _Maybe_.

Kaitlin stared at him seriously, placing her sandwich down and reaching over for his hand, squeezing it gently. "Hey, maybe she meant it."

"_Maybe_," he remarked bitterly, shaking his head in frustration. "How could I have been so stupid?"

"You're not stupid, you're in love," Kaitlin said, pulling her hand back and resuming her lunch. "Very minor difference, but a difference nonetheless."

Ryan rolled his eyes, but couldn't let himself smile at Kaitlin's attempt at humor. "She's not going to break up with him, is she?" he asked quietly, not bothering to look at Kaitlin. It hurt too much to even lift his eyes.

She sighed and shrugged honestly. "I have no idea, Ryan." She took a sip of her bottled water. "I just know that you need to _force_ an answer out of her. Yes or no. No maybes or perhaps. Yes she chooses you, or no she doesn't."

Ryan rubbed his face, contemplating what Kaitlin said. It made sense, didn't it? Get an answer. Whether good or bad, at least it would be an answer. "You're right."

Kaitlin smirked. "Hell yeah I'm right." Ryan couldn't help but smile as he rolled his eyes. "Oh look, I got you to smile. I must be pretty amazing or something."

"Or something," he muttered, staring at her amusedly.

She laughed and looked over his shoulder. "Hey look, isn't that your friend? Sid? Sebastian? Seb?"

"Seb?" Ryan asked confusedly, looking over to see Seth walking toward them. "Seth, and how did you know we're friends?"

Kaitlin shrugged mysteriously. "I have my ways."

Seth sat down in the chair next to Ryan and said, "Little Cooper. Nice to see you."

"Cut the pleasantries, Seth. We never really liked each other."

Seth rolled his eyes and muttered to Ryan, "I see you've met Kaitlin."

Ryan eyed Kaitlin and said, "We've had a few conversations, yes."

"Ryan secretly loves me. He just won't admit it because of his pride." Kaitlin smiled cheekily at the two.

"Right, right." Ryan turned to Seth now. "What's up? Did you see Brett?"

"Yes, I saw him. We talked." Seth stared at his hands, obviously considering something. "And I saw Marissa. With Luke."

Ryan winced, but noticed Kaitlin eying him carefully, as if she were actually _concerned _or something. "Yeah, he came back early."

"So I'm guessing she is staying with him then?"

"I don't know. I'm going to ask her tonight." Kaitlin dramatically cleared her throat and he added, "And I'm going to get an answer either way. Yes or no. Me or Luke. There will be nothing left in the air."

Seth nodded and patted Ryan's shoulder. "Good job, man. I approve. It's about time you take action. While you're at it, you should talk about everything." He gave Ryan a knowing look, but Ryan shook his head.

"Not yet. Not now." Kaitlin gave them a confused look and Ryan smirked. "Anyway, I wanted to ask you. If Marissa does choose Luke, I don't think I want to spend the break staying at her house…."

"Sure, Ryan, you can shack up with me and my parents if she dumps you," Seth said with a pleasant smile. "We can schedule in some serious Seth-Ryan time. It will be awesome."

Ryan's eyes darted between Seth's creepy smile and Kaitlin's evil smirk. "God help me," he murmured, putting his head in his hands.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**June 16, 2001**_

**MAC_12:** Okay, I have a question.

**RyMAt87:** Alright, ask away.

**MAC_12:** You're allowed to go anywhere in the world. Say you have a teleportation machine or something. All you have to do is close your eyes, and then you magically pop up in this place.

**RyMAt87:** That simple? Close my eyes and boom?

**MAC_12:** Well, there's obviously a lot of thought and time and physics and crap that went into the machine, but for this thought experiment, yes.

**RyMAt87:** 'Thought experiment?' That's some pretty fancy language there, Riss.

**MAC_12:** Shut up and answer the question!

**RyMAt87:** Okay, anywhere in the world?

**MAC_12**: Yes, anywhere.

**RyMAt87:** Wherever my heart desires?

**MAC_12:** Yes, wherever your heart desires.

**RyMAt87:** And I just close my eyes and appear?

**MAC_12:** Please just answer the damn question.

**RyMAt87:** Someone is being cranky. Are you home with your mom?

**MAC_12:** Yes, but I don't see what that has to do with anything.

**RyMAt87:** It has to do with everything. See, if I had one place to go, anywhere in the world, wherever my heart desires, just close my eyes and appear – I would go to your mom's house.

**MAC_12:** Why on earth would you do something like that?

**RyMAt87:** Because that's where you are.

**MAC_12:** And…?

**RyMAt87:** And you're my best friend. Have it my way, I would spend my time with you.

**MAC_12:** That's really nice of you to say.

**RyMAt87:** It's the truth.

**MAC_12:** You're too good to me.

**RyMAt87:** Or maybe not good enough.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Meet me at the lifeguard station in 20min. – Ry_

Marissa put her phone down and bit her lip, nervously bouncing her leg up and down. She hadn't seen Ryan all day, not since he had walked away to go get coffee and ended up completely disappearing on her. She had been debating all day what to do about their situation, and was no closer to an answer than when she first saw Luke this morning. Maybe she needed to see Ryan though. Maybe that would put things in perspective.

She made a quick excuse to Luke and everyone, then took her car and drove to the beach. It wasn't that far from the hospital, so Ryan must have walked here. She saw him in the distance leaning against the railing, his hair blowing in the breeze. Her heart hurt when she stared at him, and she wondered why.

Ryan, meanwhile, couldn't stop his mind from spinning a million miles an hour. Within the next few minutes he would have his answer. Yes or no. Him or Luke. Happiness or devastation. He had been in love with this girl since he was eleven, and this was his one and only chance to finally have her. The nervousness made him feel sick, but he stayed put, trying to appear as calm as possible for when she arrived.

When she started walking up the ramp, their eyes met, blue on blue. She tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, never breaking eye contact as she walked to him. "Hey."

He stuffed his hands into his pockets, staring at her through the shaggy hair that was beginning to fall into his eyes. "Hey."

"Ryan.." she started, but he shook his head.

"No, let me talk first." She stared at him and nodded, encouraging him to continue. "I fell in love with you instantly," he began, his heart beating hard against his chest. "You became my best friend within a matter of weeks. It was never an option for me not to love you. Because I do. God, Marissa, I'm so in love with you."

He rubbed the back of his neck, turning to look out at the crashing waves, thinking he felt the exact same way. Love was beauty, but it was rough and crashing all the same. "I want you to choose me. Break up with Luke. You can't deny that we're great together. I saw how happy you are. Was that just my imagination?"

"Of course not," she said softly, reaching for his hands. "Ryan, I…"

She avoided his eyes, and that was the first indication. She wouldn't look him in the eye, and her eyes were filled to the brim with tears just moments from falling. "No…" he murmured, pulling his hands from hers. "No, you don't get to just throw away everything we have."

"Ryan, it isn't that simple…"

"Let me make it that simple, then," he said, placing his hands on the side of her face. "I love you. I want to be with you. I want you to be with me. I want you to choose me, Marissa." He leaned in and kissed her hard and slow, reminding her just what she would be giving away.

She pulled away, no longer hiding the tears. "Ryan…"

He knew what she was going to say, but he wasn't going to let her. Not yet. "Marissa, I know you love me." He still cradled her face in his hands, urging her to look into his eyes. "Look at me," he said softly, and her eyes sadly lifted to his. "Marissa, we are great together. We're best friends. How can you get better than that?"

She cried some more, shaking her head, tearing her eyes from his. "Ryan, I know. We are wonderful together. When I spend time with you, I feel more incredible than I have ever felt before. You make me think that life can be good again. You _make _life good again."

Ryan smiled, staring at her with so much love. It made her feel horrible. God, did she feel horrible. "Then choose me."

"Ryan…" She pulled away from his embrace, wiping her eyes. She wrapped her arms around herself, her body shaking. "I can't," she whispered before breaking into sobs. And she couldn't stop. She couldn't bring herself to stop crying because her heart was shattering into a million little pieces.

"Why not?" he asked, shoving his hands back into his pockets, his face falling.

She rested her hands on the railing and breathed in deeply, desperately trying to calm herself enough to speak. He deserved to know her reasons. He deserved so much, and it killed her that she couldn't give it to him, but she couldn't. It was just wrong. "I've been thinking about it all day, ever since Luke came back. This morning when I was with you, I was so busy thinking about myself that I couldn't even think about Luke. But seeing him today, it made me come back to reality." She hiccupped a sob, covering her mouth and shaking her head. "And the reality is that I can't do that to Luke. He has done absolutely nothing wrong, nothing to deserve this."

She wiped her face again, turning to see him staring at her painfully. "As right as we feel, Ryan, the circumstances are wrong. Luke is your roommate. He is a friend to you, one that has done nothing to deserve having his heart broken." Ryan made a face and she quickly added, "You don't deserve it either, but it's different, Ryan. Luke was there first. He has been a good boyfriend to me, a good friend to you. Can you honestly say you would be okay breaking his heart like that?"

"If it means I can have you, then yes," Ryan said softly, but Marissa could hear the uncertainty there and knew he was at least slightly understanding.

"It wouldn't be right, Ryan," she said, taking a step toward him. He was staring at the ground, so she placed a hand on the side of his face, making him turn to look at her. "You are my absolute best friend. I don't want that to change. But I've had my heart broken and my whole world ripped from me by someone who was supposed to be on my side." Ryan realized she was talking about Ryan _Mackenzie_, and his entire world shattered. "I can't do that to someone else. As much as it hurts me, as much as it almost _kills _me, I can't do that to Luke."

Ryan had never thought he could hate himself more than he did at that second. He couldn't even speak, he was too busy chiding himself and regretting every decision he had made since the day he said goodbye to Marissa all those years ago. If he had just held on, he would've had a shot with her. He would've _had _her now, they could be making love right now. He would be able to hold her and kiss her whenever he wanted. She would be _his_. But now, for the second time, he was losing her to Luke because _he _had tried to do the right thing. Here he was, having to take a step back so that he could let her live her life. And it wasn't fair, but it was at least _deserved _because if he hadn't hurt her then, he wouldn't have to lose her now. "I mean, if I had met you before Luke, if you had somehow come into my life…" she tried, but he shook his head.

"No, I understand," he said, his voice thick with emotion. He flexed his jaw, thinking that life had a horrible and painful way of keeping track of karma. He hated it. "I understand, but I can't be your friend. At least, not right now."

She stared at him as if he had yanked out the floor beneath her feet. "Wh…what?"

"I'm not saying we can't be friends. I'm not saying this is the end of our friendship, because it isn't. I just… I need some time to _heal_," he said quietly, staring at her through the saddest and most painful blue eyes she had ever seen. "So, I'm going to stay with Seth and the Cohens for the rest of break. When we get back to school, we can try to go back to the way things were, but for now…" He shook his head, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "For now, I need space to accept things. To get over you."

"That's almost a whole month," she said quietly, though she nodded. It was the least she could do. She was ripping out his heart; the least she could do was let him try to patch together the pieces.

He lifted his eyes to hers, hurt at all the sadness she had. Why couldn't he just end the sadness for her once and for all? It seemed all he ever did was add to her life's problems. "I'll see you in school," he said, leaning in to kiss her forehead tenderly. Probably the last contact he would have with her for almost a month.

"I'll be counting down the days," she murmured, almost inaudibly. The words just made both of their hearts break even more. She watched him walk away, wrapping her arms around herself, trying her hardest not to run after him. Because as much pain as he was in, she understood. Because watching him walk away – she felt like her entire life had been torn apart.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**September 30, 2002**_

**MAC_12:** My mom made me go to this party tonight.

**RyMAt87:** What kind of party?

**MAC_12:** This girl at school's party. I don't even know how my mom found out about it. I didn't want to go. I wanted to come talk to you like I always do.

**RyMAt87:** I was wondering where you were, but figured you were just busy. How was the party?

**MAC_12:** Horrible. I hardly knew anyone there, and everyone there hated me.

**RyMAt87:** I sincerely doubt anyone there hated you.

**MAC_12:** They didn't particularly look like they were pleased I was there.

**RyMAt87:** So what did you do about it?

**MAC_12:** I sat in the corner drinking soda and watching everyone else make a fool of themselves. It was actually kind of funny. Then this boy from my English class came and sat next to me. We got to talking. He didn't want to be there, either.

**RyMAt87:** Seems like you made a friend.

**MAC_12**: We talked for a long time about school and stuff. About my English teacher, the cafeteria food, how much we were looking forward to getting out of Newport.

**RyMAt87:** Sounds cool

**MAC_12:** It was crazy. I actually really appreciate that guy now. He made me realize something incredible.

**RyMAt87:** I'm glad you found a friend

**MAC_12:** Ryan, don't you want to know what I realized?

**RyMAt87:** Sure. What did you realize?

**MAC_12:** I realized that no matter how much I have in common with someone, or what kind of conversation we can hold, it isn't a conversation with you – which makes it meaningless.

**RyMAt87:** So what are you saying?

**MAC_12:** I'm saying… I spent the entire night missing you, and I'm glad you're here.

**RyMAt87:** I missed you too, Riss. You have no idea how much.

**MAC_12:** No more parties for me. I'd much rather be here.

**RyMAt87:** Glad to hear it :)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Individual replies:**

**xoElle23: **You are too kind :)

**Skillz37: **Intense, indeed.

**Ashinda115: **What did you mean by "Things are happening at a slow pace in too much of a fast time frame"? I'm glad you like my story!

**RMforever: **I included the chats just for you :)

**Sailaway: **There will definitely be upcoming Ryan angst ;)


	18. This is Me Missing You

**A/N So this is much longer than I anticipated, but you guys deserve it! I truly hope you enjoy it, your reviews and feedback means the world to me. I think this story is actually getting pretty close to an end. I estimate less than ten chapters left, perhaps six in total. I haven't worked everything out just yet. Things could happen. But we are reaching the end here, my friends. **

**Read, review, and enjoy :)**

_If you touched empty _

_Reach in the darkness and don't find me _

_Then you'll know just what I'm going through _

_This is me missing you_

_- James House, "This is Me Missing You"_

The Cohens let Ryan settle in the pool house so he could have his privacy. Seth was visibly pleased that he had a friend to hang out with, but conflicted about the circumstances. Sandy and Kirsten didn't know why Ryan needed a place to stay other than he was a friend of Seth's and Marissa's and didn't have anywhere else to go this winter.

Ryan opened the door to the pool house, once again amazed by the sheer money that these people had. The pool house was almost as large as his house back in Chino, and if he wasn't so heartbroken, he would almost find his lack of a childhood embarrassing. As it stood, he couldn't think of anything much anymore except Marissa's devastating rejection.

His heart felt like it would just stop pumping any moment. His chest literally ached in a way he hadn't ever felt before, not even when he first left her. At least then he had left on his own terms to protect _her_, but now she had been the one to leave _him_. Call it karma, call it fate, but he just called it _pain_. Devastating, earth-shattering, crippling _pain_.

He dropped his duffel bag and sat down slowly on the bed, resting his elbows on his knees, rubbing his face tiredly. If he could live this past month over again, he just wouldn't. He'd go miles away and save himself from this utter devastation. Let Luke take care of Marissa. Let Seth worry about Brett. Let everyone else live their perfect Newport lives and he would just be alone. Isn't that how we was supposed to be anyway? Alone?

The pool house doors opened and Seth peeked in. "You decent?" Ryan lifted his dull eyes to Seth's and just stared, his look saying everything. "Okay, well, I was thinking… how about some play station?"

Ryan breathed out slowly, using all his energy just not to collapse. "Seth, I don't know if I want…"

Seth took a step into the room and held up his hands. "Hey, I get it. You're hurting. Lord knows I've had my heartbreak in the past. Did I ever tell you about Summer Roberts? Yeah, pain." He stuffed his lanky arms into his jean pockets and shrugged. "But getting your mind off of it? That's how you're going to survive this. Believe me."

Ryan didn't say anything for a few minutes, working on his breathing, his mind spinning. Finally, he nodded slowly. He had endured heartache before. He had overcome Marissa Cooper and her allure, and he had overcome the loss of his child. He could survive this, too. It just took time. "Okay, you're right."

Seth smiled and fist pumped as Ryan stood. "That's the spirit, Ryan! Now, I know you're hurting, but don't expect me to go easy on you, alright? What's the good in that?"

Ryan rolled his eyes, almost smiling. Almost. "I can easily kick your ass, Seth. Maybe _I _should go easy on _you_."

Seth laughed fakely. "Oh look who got a sense of humor suddenly."

Ryan shook his head and let Seth attempt to sound tough, trying not to think about Marissa. But as always, that was nearly impossible to do.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**July 5, 2001**_

**MAC_12:** So, I think we should play a game.

**RyMAt87:** What kind of game?

**MAC_12:** A get to know each other game. Two truths and a lie. You heard of it?

**RyMAt87:** No, but let me guess – you tell two truths and a lie.

**MAC_12:** And the other person has to guess which one is the lie! Good. Now do you want to start or should I?

**RyMAt87:** You start.

**MAC_12:** Okay… um… 1) I own a pony 2) I own a dog 3) I own a rabbit

**RyMAt87:** I say that 3 is the lie.

**MAC_12:** You're good!

**RyMAt87:** Oh yes. But I didn't know you had a horse. How long?

**MAC_12:** My dad bought me a pony when I turned ten. Her name is Artemis. She is brown with a black mane and tail. She is the most beautiful pony ever.

**RyMAt87:** Sounds like it. So you ride her?

**MAC_12:** Yes. I'm actually not that bad. I can make her jump hurdles. I've won first place in a few contests.

**RyMAt87:** How did you not tell me this before?

**MAC_12:** I don't know… it just never came up. Anyway, back to the game. Your turn!

**RyMAt87:** Sigh. Um… 1) My favorite movie is The Breakfast Club 2) I believe that Rachel is better than Monica on Friends 3) I have been suspended for fighting more than three times.

**MAC_12:** Hmm. I would have to say number three because I can't see you being violent.

**RyMAt87:** Wrong. It's actually number one. My favorite movie is Sixteen Candles.

**MAC_12:** I don't know whether to be more shocked about your favorite movie, or the fact that I'm friends with someone out of Fight Club. Tell me, Tyler Durden, how does it feel to break every stereotype?

**RyMAt87:** Tyler? I don't know, pony girl, how does it feel to _reaffirm_ every stereotype?

**MAC_12:** Reaffirm? Aw, that's a big word for someone both corny and macho. I should call you Morny.

**RyMAt87:** Or Cacho ;)

**MAC_12:** LOL, you make me smile.

**RyMAt87:** 'Tis my job, pony girl.

**MAC_12:** You aren't going to let that go, are you?

**RyMAt87:** Nope :) You just earned yourself a new nickname.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Days passed, and Ryan stood his ground. He didn't text Marissa or call her, and he definitely didn't see her. He stayed in the car whenever Seth went to visit Brett in the hospital, and ducked whenever he saw Kaitlin or Julie walking by. He even briefly caught a glimpse of Marissa entering the hospital once, much to his dismay and heartbreak. But he stood his ground, and refused to talk to her.

A week passed this way, and his heart hurt a little more every single day. Brett was released from the hospital, so at least he didn't have to be reminded of her every single time he saw the bench at the front of the hospital where they first kissed. At least he could finally grieve in peace.

About a week before Christmas, Seth knocked on the pool house door with an uneasy smile. "Hey, buddy. You, uh, have a visitor."

Ryan sat up from where he had been brooding on the bed and stared at him. "Who?"

"Well, technically, two." He opened up the doors and revealed Brett and Kaitlin standing there, Kaitlin with her crutches, and Brett leaning on a cane. "He's all yours."

Seth walked off, and Brett and Kaitlin trudged into the room. "Is it even safe for you two to be riding around in a car, much less _driving?_" Ryan asked, his heart hurting as two reminders of Marissa stood in his doorway.

Brett lowered himself down in a chair by the bed, and Kaitlin sat down on the foot of the bed, her leg resting beside Brett. "Brett doesn't have any broken bones, and I wanted to come and see you," Kaitlin said.

"Why would you want to see me?" Ryan asked quietly, staring at his hands as he thought of everything lately.

"Because, like it or not, you're kind of stuck with me." She kicked Brett softly with her good leg, and he sighed.

"Both of us," Brett reluctantly said, obviously displeased with this visit.

"Why? You're Marissa's sister," he said, facing Kaitlin. Then he turned to Brett. "And you're her best friend. And hate me."

"_Was_ her best friend," Brett said, leaning back in the chair, closing his eyes as if about to take a nap. "We both know you took that from me months ago." Kaitlin nudged him again and he opened his eyes, rolling them. "And I don't _hate_ you, I just don't _know_ you…" He gave Ryan a look that said 'and I don't like what I _do_ know.'

Kaitlin now spoke. "And I may be Marissa's sister, but you kind of became a pseudo friend when you talked to me in the hospital." She stared at him seriously. "I may be a bitch, but I'm not a heartless one."

Ryan shook his head but lifted the corner of his mouth into a smile. How was it that Kaitlin Cooper, like her sister, could just make him smile when he didn't know it was possible? "Well, I appreciate that, but I'm fine. I don't need your pity."

"Oh, I don't pity people, do I Bee?" Kaitlin said with a shake of her head and a smirk.

"God, no. She is _very _clear about that," Brett said with wide eyes and a small grin. "She just, when you dig deep – _really deep _– cares about people she finds worthy." He shrugged and leaned back again, closing his eyes. "Don't ask me why, but she likes you. I don't know if that's good or bad for you."

"Hey!" Kaitlin said, poking Brett in the side, making him squirm and even smile. Ryan stared between the two of them, amazed at how two seemingly different people could actually love each other. And be expecting a child.

"Well, still," Ryan said, turning serious again. "I'm fine." Kaitlin tilted her head and gave him a knowing look, and even Brett chuckled. Ryan eyed them. "What?"

Brett finally sat up and stared at him seriously. "Dude, you're so not okay. You may be too macho and strong to cry, but you are a freaking wreck on feet. You look like crap. You spend your time staring at the ceiling. You haven't _done _anything since she rejected you." Kaitlin glared at him. "Sorry, _said no_ to you." He looked to Kaitlin for approval, who just nodded. "If that's okay, then I'd hate to see you on a bad day."

"How do you even know what I've been doing?" Ryan asked, staring between the two.

Kaitlin grinned. "We have our ways."

Ryan distinctly remembered hearing that before. Brett stared at Kaitlin and then rolled his eyes. "Remember that we have a mutual friend besides Marissa," he said to Ryan. "Kaitlin likes to appear creepy, but we're not, I swear."

Ryan just rolled his eyes at Kaitlin's glare. "What are you even going to do to make me feel better? It's not something you can just fix. She didn't want me. She wanted Luke. It's that simple. I just have to accept that." His voice dropped, becoming infinitely softer. "I just need to move on."

Kaitlin scooted closer to Ryan, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Did Marissa ever tell you how Brett and I got together?"

Ryan shook his head, his eyes remaining on the ground. "No. Just that it happened."

Kaitlin stared at Brett and smiled softly before turning to Ryan. "Well, it started the middle of my freshman year."

"My junior year," Brett added, staring at them with an unreadable expression. "Mine and Marissa's."

"Riss and Bee had been inseparable since the beginning of their sophomore year. Marissa, who had never brought a friend over since we were little kids, suddenly had this boy in her life. He was always at the house. They tried dating for a little while, and even though Brett stared at her like she was amazing, they decided to be just friends at the end of the end of the school year." She smirked at Brett now, who only shook his head and half-smiled at her. "What they didn't know was that I had this huge crush on him. Like, outrageous. I'll admit it. I was smitten."

"So what happened?" Ryan asked, more curious than anything. He still didn't know how this pertained to him, but the lovesick fool he was, he wanted to know everything he could about Marissa's life without him.

Kaitlin opened her mouth to speak, but Brett beat her to it. "So, little Cooper over here started to grow up. She wasn't the eighth grader I had first met. She grew."

"Mainly, boobs," Kaitlin added with a teasing smile.

"_Anyway_," Brett said, rolling his eyes. "She wasn't this kid to me anymore. She became this young woman. This really cute, smart, sassy young woman. All the things that I had overlooked became more obvious to me. The way she nervously twirls her hair when someone is talking about her. The way she bites the ends of her pens as she tries to think of what to write. The grace she has when playing tennis or swimming. Everything about her became really interesting to me."

Kaitlin tried to hide a blush, but Ryan could see it, and it made him smile inside. "I started to notice him noticing me, and I didn't make it easy on him."

Brett chuckled. "You never do."

"I started to let him know how much I had developed…"

"Mainly, boobs," Brett said with a cheeky smile.

She swatted him and they both laughed. "_Anyway_," Kaitlin said, her eyes sparkling teasingly. "He started coming over before Marissa was home, or staying after she left. And we would just _talk_. About everything."

"I told myself it was because she was such an important part of Marissa's life," Brett said, his eyes bright as he remembered. "And for a while that excuse worked. We would skirt around topics related to Marissa. I could get away with convincing myself that it was purely innocent. I could be friends with Marissa's younger sister, right? That was okay. As long as we didn't become anything more. As long as I didn't kiss her."

"Even though he _desperately _wanted to," Kaitlin teased. Brett rolled his eyes and muttered something along the lines of 'you wish.' "So, come Valentine's Day, and I needed a date to the school dance."

"Marissa and I had developed a tradition of going to school dances together," Brett added. "It didn't even cross my mind asking Kaitlin. She was Marissa's little sister, after all. And we were _only _friends."

"Seeing that he wasn't going to admit his feelings for me – his very _obvious _feelings – I agreed to go out with Luke's younger brother Eric."

"Wait, Luke has a younger brother?" Ryan asked, confused.

"Yeah, two. Anyway, so _someone_ didn't like this. Got a little jealous."

"A little? I felt like ripping the kid's throat out," Brett admitted with a bitter laugh. "I have never been so jealous in my entire life. I thought that Kaitlin was just going to tag along with Marissa and me to the dance. Maybe entertain Seth for a bit. But when I went to pick them up and saw Eric there, I was furious. There she was looking absolutely stunning, and this annoying freshman boy was drooling over her. When Marissa and Eric weren't looking, I pulled Kaitlin aside and asked her what the hell she was doing."

"To which I innocently replied I was merely enjoying Valentine's Day." Kaitlin smirked. "I hadn't planned on him growing so jealous, but hey, it worked out."

"Later that night, I dropped off Eric first, then drove Marissa and Kaitlin home. Marissa thought I had left and went upstairs to get ready for bed, but I found Kaitlin and confronted her. What did she think she was doing, trying to hurt me?"

"To which I replied, how could I possibly hurt him? I was just Marissa's younger sister, just his _friend_, so what did it matter what the hell I did with my life?"

Brett reached for Kaitlin's hand, his eyes soft, seeing only her. "To which I replied, 'Maybe I've fallen in love with you.' And kissed her."

Kaitlin kept Brett's stare, her smile soft. "Marissa found us and was rightfully confused. And kind of pissed. But she got over it eventually."

Ryan glanced between the two, still unsure of where he fit in. "That's a nice story, and I appreciate you telling me, but what does it have to do with my situation?"

Kaitlin now turned to look at Ryan again. "Marissa is Brett. She knows she has feelings for you, but she won't let herself act on them because she doesn't think it's right."

Brett added, "And you're Kaitlin. You know what you want, but you have to just wait for your _friend_ to get over her fears and let herself be happy."

Ryan looked between the two, still not completely buying it. "So I'm just supposed to wait? After I put myself out there, after I got _rejected_, I'm supposed to just believe she is going to come to her senses and choose me?"

Kaitlin nodded. "Yes."

"So that's what you came here to tell me? To just keep my hopes up because, despite the fact that she very _obviously_ made it clear that she doesn't want me as much as she wants to do the right thing, that I'm supposed to just wait? That's your solution to my heartbreak?"

Brett nodded now. "Well, yeah. That, and video games. Maybe a movie. I don't know about you, but I'm a sucker for John Hughes films. Get me every time." He stood, helping Kaitlin to her feet, handing her the crutches. "Shall we?" He gestured toward the pool house doors.

Ryan rolled his eyes but followed them. Before they reached the main house, he reached out and stopped Brett. "How is she?" Ryan asked softly, not having to explain who he was asking about.

Brett sighed and rubbed his arm. "She's smiling and she's pretending like she is happy I'm okay, but when no one is looking, she cries. She isn't sleeping. She isn't eating much. She hides the dark circles under her eyes with make up and hides her tears with a smile, but her eyes are so pained." He patted Ryan's back. "She misses you, man. Take it from someone who has seen her travel from hell and back – she is in hell."

"Why doesn't that make me feel any better?" Ryan asked softly, his heart breaking once again.

"Because you love her," Brett said softly. He ushered Ryan into the house. "And because of that, you want her happy. Even if it isn't with you."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**December 5, 2001**_

**MAC_12:** Let's talk about sex.

**RyMAt87:** *sings* Let's talk about you and me (sing it sing it) *sings* ;)

**MAC_12:** You are such a dork, Ry. But seriously. We've never talked about it before.

**RyMAt87:** Well, that's because it's a bit risqué, don't you think?

**MAC_12:** It's a natural part of everyone's lives. People have sex eventually. Why can't we talk about it?

**RyMAt87:** I don't know. I think it's just taboo for anyone to talk about it, much less two 14 year olds online.

**MAC_12:** Okay, well, there's the obvious question. Have you done it?

**RyMAt87:** No. I have not. You?

**MAC_12:** That's laughable. When would I have time? I'm always either at school, with my family, or here talking to you. Mostly talking to you.

**RyMAt87:** Well when would I have time for it! I'm always here, too.

**MAC_12: Idk**. Well, now that we have that out of the way. What do you think about sex?

**RyMAt87:** What do you mean?

**MAC_12:** What are your views on it?

**RyMAt87:** As you said, I think it's a natural part of everyone's lives. Everyone does it eventually. I've never done it, so I don't know how it is, but I know someday I want to do it. Obviously. I am a teenage guy. What about you?

**MAC_12:** I think that it's something that two people in love should share.

**RyMAt87:** Well, that's quite the shock. A girl believing in love…

**MAC_12:** Seriously, Ry. I think that it can be something really great and powerful. And maybe it's even good without any feelings attached. But I just feel like giving yourself to someone you love, being close to them in the closest possible way, is more important. More powerful. More meaningful.

**RyMAt87:** You seem to have thought about this quite a bit.

**MAC_12:** Well, yeah. Haven't you?

**RyMAt87:** I guess. I just don't ever really think as deeply about it. It's not like I have a lot of options right now anyway. And I don't know… it just feels like too far in the future to even think about.

**MAC_12:** Yeah, I guess.

**RyMAt87:** Well, you have everything else about it figured out. Do you know who you want to give it to?

**MAC_12:** The love of my life.

**RyMAt87:** Have you met this person yet?

**MAC_12:** Maybe, maybe not. You never know. But I believe that when we are standing in front of each other, or kissing, or whatever… I'll know he is the guy to lose it to. He'll look into my eyes and tell me he loves me, and I'll know.

**RyMAt87:** Just like that?

**MAC_12:** Just like that. You just know who the love of your life is. You feel it deep within you and nothing but them feels right.

**RyMAt87:** You act like you know all about it. Is there something your'e not telling me?

**MAC_12:** No… just speculating.

**RyMAt87:** You sure? No secret loves you have hidden somewhere that you just happened to leave out of the conversation?

**MAC_12:** Nope… just me and my silly, imaginative thoughts.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Much to his consternation, Seth dragged Ryan along with him to the Newport Christmas Party. Sandy let Ryan borrow a suit, and for the first time ever Ryan had to tie a tie. "I don't understand why you people have to spend this much money for a party that has little to do about Christmas…" Ryan glanced around at all these 'rich' people downing glasses of champagne or hard liquor and laughing with each other. "…and everything to do with getting drunk."

Seth shrugged and walked to the bar to order some sodas. "I don't know, man, but I've had to do this since I was a little kid. You get used to it."

"I don't think I could ever get used to this," Ryan said, surveying all the people of Newport. At least, all the elite. The party was outside of the house of some overly rich Newport businessman, the waves faintly heard in the background of all the commotion.

"Well, you just might have to." Seth handed Ryan a coke and smirked. "After all, you just may have a Mrs. Atwood attached to your arm dragging you along to parties like this in years to come."

Ryan rolled his eyes, but his heart hurt thinking of what _wouldn't_ happen. Hell, he would endure a million of these parties if he had Marissa on his arm. "She rejected me. I don't see a Mrs. Atwood in my future. Not one from Newport, anyway." But honestly, the thought of having anyone else but Marissa in his life seemed ludicrous. _Get used to bachelor status, Atwood. It's all you'll ever have_, he thought bitterly.

"I don't know about that. I mean, look at the way she is staring at you. I wouldn't exactly call that platonic," Seth said, nodding over Ryan's shoulder. He quickly turned and saw Marissa standing with Kaitlin and Brett, staring at him with shiny eyes. Ryan stared back at her, his heart beating harder against his chest at just the sight of her. God, he had missed her so much. It would be so easy to just cross the room and talk to her. Be with her. Even if he could never _be _with her.

He turned back to Seth, gulping down his soda. "Got anything stronger than this?" he asked Seth, referring to his drink.

"Sadly, no. But come on, let's go to another part of the room." Seth led Ryan away, but that didn't stop Ryan from glancing sadly over his shoulder one last time to see his whole world watching him from afar.

An hour and a half later, and people were generously buzzed and having a great time. Everyone except for Ryan, that is. Seth was off talking to Brett and some other people, so Ryan was sitting all alone in the outskirts of the party staring out at the dark Newport night. He could see the private beach of the house's owner, and watched the waves crash along the shore for a long time, soothing him. But as always, his thoughts drifted to Marissa, and he missed her so much it physically hurt him.

"Hey," a soft, beautiful voice said. Ryan tore his eyes from the water and saw Marissa standing in front of him, playing nervously with her hands.

"Hey," he replied just as softly. She gestured toward the empty chair beside him, and he nodded, not even thinking. He wanted to be around her. It had been nearly two weeks since he had talked to her, and it was killing him being apart from her.

"You look nice," she said, then froze and blushed. "God, that sounded so lame."

He smiled despite himself and said, "Sort of, yeah. You look nice too, though." And even though he was joking, she really did. She looked beautiful. Stunning.

She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, then lifted her eyes to his again. They both held the gaze, and it broke Ryan's heart to see how shiny her eyes were from tears. Even now, she looked beautiful – tragically, sadly beautiful. She broke the gaze first, looking down, her cheeks filling with color. Finally, she lifted her eyes back to his. "Want to dance?"

"Riss…" he said in warning.

"Ry, it's just a dance. I promise, I'll go back. I will give you your space again. I just need to be close to you right now. I've tried to be strong. I've tried to give you what you want, but can you blame me for wanting to be around you for a little bit?" She dropped her voice, sighing. "Ry, I miss you."

He swallowed hard, knowing that he couldn't say no to her. He didn't want to. He missed her too. He stood and reached for her hand, smiling softly – though sadly – as she stared up at him through her long lashes. "One dance," he murmured, enveloping her hand in his, pulling her to the dance floor with him.

Their arms went around each other effortlessly. _It's like we were made for this_, Ryan thought, but dismissed the thought. Not only was it totally cheesy, but it was _wrong_. Because she didn't want him. Not as much as she wanted to do the 'right' thing – whatever the hell that meant.

They silently danced for a minute, adjusting to being together again. And then they suck into each other, both forgetting the entire world existed. That's what they did to each other – they just both didn't realize the feeling was completely mutual. They were both in love, but one's fears kept her from admitting it aloud. Even though she was aware of it every single time she was around him. She loved him. She was in love with him. Desperately and irrevocably. But she couldn't act on it. She couldn't break Luke's heart. She couldn't risk her own.

"I missed this," she murmured, burying her face into his neck as she tightened her grip around him. She breathed him in, his cologne, his natural smell. She was overwhelmed with how in love with him she had become, even more so since he had left her life two weeks ago.

His heart was both swelling and breaking at the same time. He was both elated and depressed. He tightened his own grip on her and murmured, "Me too." And he did. Despite everything, the heartache, the rejection, he did. He was in love with Marissa Cooper. And he always would be.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_**June 20, 2003**_

**MAC_12: **Are you here?

**RyMAt87: **Yes. Are you?

**MAC _12: **Yes. How long are you here for?

**RyMAt87:** At least two hours. You?

**MAC_12:** The rest of the night.

**RyMAt87:** Good. I've missed you, you know.

**MAC_12:** I don't know if I believe that anymore, Ryan.

**RyMAt87:** What is that supposed to mean?

**MAC_12:** Ever since you moved to Chino, it feels like you barely have time for me. I made you my everything, and suddenly you aren't here anymore. And whenever I try to explain this to you, to try to make you see how much it hurts, you find some sorry excuse to leave. I'm tired of it. Let's talk this out.

**RyMAt87:** What is there to talk out, Marissa? You feel like I'm not your friend anymore.

**MAC_12:** That's not what I'm saying. That's never been what I'm saying.

**RyMAt87**: Then what ARE you saying, Marissa? Because I just don't understand anymore. I feel like whenever I'm here you just get mad at me, and yeah, I make excuses to leave – but only because I feel like you don't WANT me here.

**MAC_12:** Ryan, I have ALWAYS wanted you here. I will always want you here. YOU are my very best friend. Isn't that obvious? I'm always online waiting for you. I'm always the one coming up with things to talk about. Meanwhile, someone who used to spend all their time with me, is now spending all his time with some other person.

**RyMAt87:** What? Who do you think I'm spending my time with?

**MAC_12:** Well… that Theresa girl…

**RyMAt87:** Riss, we aren't even friends. Theresa means nothing to me. She just tries to get me to hang out with her, but I promise you that every spare moment that I have I am with you.

**MAC_12:** I find that hard to believe.

**RyMAt87:** I don't know what I can say to convince you otherwise. I've been helping my mom a lot lately. My brother isn't around, my mom isn't exactly functional on her own, and I have a lot of things to do now that I'm older. I'm going to have to get a job soon too.

**MAC_12:** Seriously? Why can't your mom get a job?

**RyMAt87:** We both know the answer to that question.

**MAC_12:** So because your mom is an alcoholic incapable of sustaining a life for her and her child, I have to lose my best friend?

**RyMAt87:** Hey, you're not losing me, okay? We aren't over.

**MAC_12:** Then why does it feel like every time you talk to me, you're slowly saying goodbye?

**RyMAt87:** I have no idea what you are talking about.

**MAC_12:** Earlier you said that I think you're not my friend anymore. That's not true. You are and always will be my friend, my best friend, no matter where you are. But the problem is, Ryan, I don't feel like I am YOUR friend anymore. I feel like you won't let me be, and I don't know why.

**RyMAt87:** You are my friend.

**MAC_12:** I am? When's the last time you told me any of this? When's the last time you came to me when you needed to talk? When's the last time you let me into your heart?

**RyMAt87:** You're always in my heart, Marissa. You should know that.

**MAC_12:** But I don't, and that's our problem, Ry. I don't know what to think about me and you anymore. I don't know what you think about us. I don't know what to think about any of this. It feels like Chino has changed you, and not necessarily in a bad way. I am so proud of you for stepping up and taking responsibility. I just wish that you felt as drawn to me as I am to you.

**RyMAt87:** Marissa, hear me now. I can't live without you. You think that I can, but I can't. I promised you long ago that if I leave, I will always come back – and that stands true. I will always come back. No matter how long I'm gone or how far way. You are as vital to me as I am to you, and I want you to know that. I want you to know that you are the only thing that keeps me sane in this absolutely horrendous world.

**MAC_12:** I just miss us, Ryan.

**RyMAt87:** I miss us too. More than you can imagine.

**MAC_12:** Promise me it will get better.

**RyMAt87:** I promise.

**MAC_12:** Do you mean it?

**RyMAt87:** You're my Riss, my Marissa, my pony girl. Of course I mean it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**What would you guys like after this story comes to an end? Another story, or is it time to finally say our farewells? Let me know! **

**Individual Replies:**

**Ashinda115:** In order for there to be R/M time without Luke, shit has to hit the fan first. Just a small spoiler haha.

**xoElle23:** But, there is a reason for everything. And this isn't the end for them! Obviously.

**Sailaway:** For a few weeks, Friday was Photoshop Friday. It now appears that Friday has become Fan Fiction Friday. Both are rather fangirl-ish and dorky, but hey, that's who I am :)

**Cj:** Haha, yeah, he is a little out of character in that way. Believe me, the thought has crossed my mind.

**Tcsportsmed7:** You're much too kind. I will say that whatever happens with Luke and Marissa will have an explanation, and there are many reasons for what I will do, none of which being to take an easy way out. With that cryptic message, I will wish you well :)

**M:** The chats are fun, but they require a level of thinking I sometimes try not to use lol. I'm glad you enjoy the story though!

**Skillz37:** Marissa picking Ryah? Pfft, that's way too easy!

**WhosThatGirlItsLucy:** : I suppose I could've asked you on Twitter, or perhaps even via PM, but what did you mean about sharing it on Tumblr lol? I've just been curious.

**RMforever:** I hope it was not a bad crazy. I've had way too many bad crazy sorts of weeks, and I wish none of that on you. Of course I gave you the chats! I'm glad you enjoyed them, however. I saw that post you made on Tumblr. It really touched me. After all of the incredibly nice things you have told me, you deserve so much more than some silly chats.


	19. No Strings Attached

**A/N Sorry for taking two weeks instead of one to update. Last week I had three tests to study for, and by the time Friday rolled around I was exhausted, tired. Not to mention, my depression has once again stricken with a vengeance. So, sorry for the delay, and for the shortness of this chapter. I'm trying to get back into the groove of things. You guys are amazing, I love your reviews. R/R, and enjoy!**

Christmas and New Years passed in a painful blur for Ryan. The Cohens were kind and welcomed him as if he were one of their own, but nothing felt right about his stay in Newport. Ryan knew he belonged back in Berkeley – alone. It was a mistake coming here, and an even bigger one staying.

The residence halls reopened the week of January 8, a week before classes started. The weekend before he changed his flight from the 14th to the 8th, both making his trip earlier and ensuring he wouldn't see Marissa before he had to. They hadn't talked since the party – more his fault than hers – but he knew it was for the best.

Seth walked in, catching Ryan printing out his new ticket. "What are you doing?" Seth asked, plopping down onto the pool house bed.

"Printing out my plane ticket," Ryan replied, folding the piece of paper up and putting it in his duffel bag. "I'm going back to school on Monday."

"What?" Seth gave him a pointed look. "Why would you do such a thing?"

"Because I don't belong here anymore," Ryan answered honestly. "I appreciate all the hospitality you and your parents have shown, but I belong back in Berkeley, not in Newport. Residence halls open up Monday, and I'll be there to get everything in order."

Seth rolled his eyes. "I think you're being overly dramatic. Just extend your vacation. You're running, you know."

"Do you blame me? I have nothing here in Newport except for you, and I'll see you before long anyway." Ryan sat down on the bed, staring at the socks on his feet. "It's just something I need to do."

Seth sighed. "If you say so. If you say so."

So, Seth grudgingly drove Ryan to the airport bright and early Monday morning. "I understand your desire to get back to school, but was it really necessary to take the 9am flight?" Seth yawned and rubbed his eyes.

"Yes. The sooner the better. Thanks for everything," Ryan said, giving Seth a serious look. "I really appreciate it."

"I know, I know, I'm awesome. Just have a safe flight. See you later in the week."

Ryan hated planes, but it wasn't that long of a flight to Berkeley. He got there before noon and took a cab to the campus, watching the streets go by in a daze. When he finally reached his residence hall, he threw his duffel bag over his shoulder and started walking to the entrance, stopping in his tracks when he saw a woman sitting on the bench right outside.

"Theresa?"

XXXXX

_**January 21, 2003**_

**MAC_12: **So, how is Chino?

**RyMAT87:** It's okay. Really, it's almost exactly the same as Fresno.

**MAC_12:** You never told me why you actually moved.

**RyMAt87:** Mom says that Fresno reminds her too much of dad. She says the drinking will stop now.

**MAC_12:** Well, that's good, right?

**RyMAt87:** It would be if she actually meant it. My mom is too far-gone. No change of scenery will make her feel better.

**MAC_12:** I'm sorry, Ry.

**RyMAt87:** I know. But you don't have to be.

**MAC_12:** Well, other than your mom and everything, how is the neighborhood? Any cool neighbors?

**RyMAt87:** I haven't met many of the neighbors. There is this one girl who lives next door named Theresa though. She's our age.

**MAC_12:** Is she pretty?

**RyMAt87:** I guess. She's not ugly. She has that girl next-door kind of beauty.

**MAC_12:** How fitting.

**RyMAt87:** Is something wrong?

**MAC_12:** So are you guys best friends now? Told her all your secrets?

**RyMAt87:** No…

**MAC_12:** It's only a matter of time though, right? Until you're best friends. I'm happy for you. Really.

**RyMAt87:** Marissa, what on earth are you talking about?

**MAC_12:** You and Theresa. You're going to become best friends and then more and you're going to fall in love with her and you're going to live happily ever after. You'll have a full and happy life with her, I'm sure. Just try not to forget me completely.

**RyMAt87:** Oh, I see what's going on now. You're jealous.

**MAC_12:** I am NOT jealous.

**RyMAt87:** You're so jealous. You think some new neighbor can replace you? Think again. You're stuck with me. No one can replace you. You're my best friend. My Riss. My pony girl.

**MAC_12:** So?

**RyMAt87:** So, no one can replace you. I promise. Me and you are gonna be best friends forever. And one day we'll meet and you won't have to be jealous anymore.

**MAC_12:** You really mean that?

**RyMAt87:** More than anything.

XXXXX

Theresa rose when he spoke, smiling uneasily at him. "Hey… Ryan.."

He set his duffel bag down, staring at her incredulously. "What are you… how did you… when did you…"

She smiled and said, "Easy there, don't hurt yourself." She stuffed her hands in her worn jeans and kicked at a small rock on the cement. "It's a long story."

Ryan stared at her, not finding this suitable. "Well, I have a long time."

"Maybe we could go inside? I've been out here for a about an hour now and I'm kind of cold." She stared at him seriously, and he could see she was telling the truth by her subtle shivering.

"Okay." He leaned down, picking his duffel bag back up. "Okay, follow me."

He led her to his joined suite with Luke, throwing his duffel bag into his room before closing his door and staring at Theresa. She was looking around the small suite, taking in the living room and kitchen area. "This is really nice," she commented, and he could tell she was being truthful.

"When I first got here, I didn't know what to do with it all. I'm not used to having my own space, and definitely not used to it all being so clean and quiet all the time." He remembered those first weeks here, how in awe he was of his surroundings. But all that awe had been overshadowed by the amazement he had finally getting to meet Marissa, and the fear of her finding out his true identity. "So… what exactly are you doing here?"

Theresa sat down on their couch, folding her legs under her. "I came here to find you, of course."

"How did you even know where I went?" he asked, tentatively lowering himself down onto the other side of the couch.

"Your mom told me." She shrugged and looked off, obviously in thought. "She was really upset when you left. Nearly kicked down my door trying to find you, thinking you had run and hidden at my house." She rolled her eyes. "She was drunk, of course. When she sobered up, she started crying as she read me your letter to her. She didn't understand why you had left. I certainly did. I thought it was really smart of you leaving, even if you didn't tell us all goodbye."

He felt bad now, shifting uneasily. "I'm sorry."

Theresa merely nodded, acknowledging his apology. "Well anyway, after she calmed down, she went through your room. She found all your paperwork, and that's how I found you. I saw all your letters – the ones telling you which residence hall you were accepted to, which scholarships you were given, how much money you would get from the FAFSA. And after a while, they started sending letters to the house as if you were still there. It didn't make sense to me."

Ryan sighed, totally forgetting that the university still thought his mom's house was his permanent address. He didn't even have anywhere else to go, anyway. "Oh. I guess I didn't think it would be that easy to find me."

"Well, it's easy to know where you were – it was an entirely different thing to actually _find _you." Theresa started biting her nails, a habit he had noticed she had when stressed. "Your mom stopped banging on my door every time she found something new. We stopped really seeing each other. I think she got a new boyfriend, but it's been quiet since you left." He could tell Theresa wasn't done speaking, so he remained silent, waiting for her to continue. "I didn't stop thinking about you. I hoped you were okay. I wanted to call you, but you didn't even have a cell phone when you left. I never knew your email. All I had was your address, but I didn't have a way to get to you. I didn't have any money to drive of here, and I definitely didn't have time to just blow off work. I'm doing really well at my job."

"I'm glad to hear that," Ryan said, the first thing he spoke in a while.

She smiled softly. "Thanks. So, I figured I would save up some money, and when I got a chance I would take off a while and come see how you were doing. I knew you wouldn't have very many places to go if you didn't come home for break. Your mom and I both waited to see if you would return, but you didn't. I think we both knew on some level that you didn't want to come back home." She looked at him and offered him an understanding smile, which made him feel a little less guilty. "I looked online and saw when the residence halls opened back up. I knew you would be here first, so I came today. It's slow at work right now anyway, and we have enough people to cover my shift."

Ryan remained silent for a while, still processing everything. So Theresa and his mom had known this entire time where he was, but they both respected his space. Theresa was here now – but why? "I just still don't understand why you felt the need to come see me," he said honestly, trying not to sound rude. He didn't mean it in a mean way. He just really didn't understand.

"Look, I know that you never loved me," Theresa said honestly, staring him straight in the eyes. "And I know that we were never really friends. Our relationship had one dimension, and we both know what that was." Ryan felt a flush of heat rise up his neck at the thought of how he had treated Theresa pretty much as his go-to sex buddy. "I know that you never really considered me much of anything but an escape, and I'm okay with that. Really, no hard feelings."

She bit her lip, wringing her hands nervously. "But the thing is, I always had these feelings for you. I know you know that. And it's not just romantic, Ryan. I actually _care_ about you. I wanted to make sure you were okay." She shrugged and stared at him sheepishly. "I'll go if you want me to, but I just had to see for myself. I'm sorry if I overstepped some boundaries."

He was in complete shock. He always knew Theresa had feelings for him, but he always figured she just had a crush on him, never anything serious. Knowing that she actually cared for his well being was a pleasant surprise. So he had someone other than Marissa and Seth give a crap about him. It was a nice feeling. "I never knew," he said honestly, running a hand through his thick hair. "I don't know what I thought, but I never thought you actually cared."

She laughed. "Well that just shows you how blind you were. Everyone knew, Ryan. Why do you think your mom came knocking on _my _door when she found stuff? _She _even knew."

He shook his head, head reeling. "Well, I'm sorry for not noticing. Really."

She just shrugged. "It's fine, really."

He observed her for a second, deciding he could use an extra friend right now. He had thought he needed to be alone to get over Marissa; maybe he just needed another female friend. And yes, he meant _friend_. He couldn't just use Theresa anymore. He needed to become more responsible for his actions. "Well, I'm doing pretty well in school. I got all As my first semester."

Theresa smiled widely. "That's really great. Who knew, Ryan Atwood the genius."

He smiled for the first time in a while. "I don't know about that."

"How about other than school? Is college all it's cracked up to be?" She seemed eager for information, and he found her enthusiasm adorable.

"Well, I'm not a partier," he began, watching her smile just grow. "I have a few friends, but I'm really not all that social. You know me, I like to keep it low key. Besides, partying would just get in the way of schoolwork, and I'm on an academic scholarship. I can't afford any risky behavior."

"Tell me about your friends."

"Well, there's Seth. He is this huge nerd and so dorky. It's really fun to be around him, though he is kind of weird. Then there's Luke. He's my roommate. He is kind of self-absorbed, and not nearly as serious about school as us."

"Us?" Theresa asked. "You mean you and Seth?"

Ryan's heart clenched as he thought about Marissa. "Seth is serious about school too, but now. I meant Marissa." His voice dropped when he said her name, soft and silky in his mouth. "She's Luke's girlfriend."

Theresa eyed him knowingly. "And you're in love with her."

"How does everyone just know that?" he asked, rolling his eyes and sighing exasperatedly.

"You change when you say her name. It's sweet."

Her eyes were sad, but her smile was genuine. Ryan knew it would be easier to just let Theresa be his girlfriend, but he didn't feel it. It wasn't fair to both of them – he was too in love with Marissa. The heart wants what it wants. "It doesn't feel so sweet," he said softly and honestly, staring down at his scuffed up boots.

"Well, I'll help you get over her," Theresa said, scooting over so that she could pat his leg.

"Oh really?" he said, smiling weakly, knowing it wasn't that easy.

"Yeah." She froze. "That is, if you want me to. I can still turn my car around and go right back home to Chino if you would prefer that." The sadness in her voice struck him. She loved him, maybe as much as he loved Marissa. He knew how that was.

He reached over and pat her own leg, smiling softly. "I think at this point, I could use all the friends I can get." And he meant it.

XXXXX

_**February 1, 2003**_

**RyMAt87: **Did I tell you that Theresa is now my lab partner?

**MAC_12:** No.

**RyMAt87:** Well, she is. Talk about incompetent. She doesn't know much of anything, and she is really starting to annoy me. If I fail the class, I blame it on her.

**MAC_12:** I'm sure you'll be fine…

**RyMAt87:** The other day she broke a beaker. She wasn't paying attention or something, and I touched her shoulder to get her attention and she just jumped and dropped it.

**MAC_12:** Hmm.

**RyMAt87:** And our test tubes? She broke two of those. Again, I said her name to get her attention and she just dropped them onto the table. Glass went everywhere.

**MAC_12:** Uh huh.

**RyMAt87:** She owes over $20 in broken equipment. The other day she also spilled water all over my binder. All my lab notes and papers were soaked.

**MAC_12:** What happened right before she spilled the water?

**RyMAt87:** I don't know. I looked over her shoulder to look at what she was doing. Next thing I know, water was everywhere.

**MAC_12:** Well that confirms it.

**RyMAt87:** Confirms what?

**MAC_12:** That your next door neighbor has a huge crush on you.

**RyMAt87:** No.. she doesn't have a crush.

**MAC_12:** Think about it. You touch her, she drops things. You say her name, she drops things. You look over her shoulder, she freezes and spills water everywhere. Does she ever spill or break things when you're not paying doing these things?

**RyMAt87:** Well, no, actually.

**MAC_12:** I rest my case.

**RyMAt87:** A crush, huh?

**MAC_12:** Yep. And a bad one, at that.

**RyMAt87:** Dear God, help me.

XXXXX

**So as soon as I post this I'm gonna create a poll in my profile asking what you guys want me to do when I finish writing this. Please, please, please vote. **

**Also, I love all my reviewers. You guys give me the strength to write when I don't feel like even breathing sometimes. Thank you for sticking with me all these years, and thank you for letting me know what you think!**

**Individual Replies:**

**xoElle23:** I haven't quite figured out how many chapters are left. At a minimum, 8. So I guess we still have a while lol.

**Skillz37:** I have, but the grammar of my old stories is atrocious. I would have to edit what is already written. Which one would you like me to go back to? Any in mind, or was that just a general statement?

**FlyingForward:** I totally agree. It's really sad that I'm pretty much the only R/M author left. I haven't lost my love for them, and I don't know if I ever will. I just want to make sure that I still have readers who feel the same way lol.

**Tcsportsmed7:** Well, I hope to continue writing them, then :) If I start a new story, I already know what it's going to be about.

**Riss H:** Your review brought a smile to my face. I'm glad that you are such a supportive reader. I definitely have ideas to keep me writing if people continue wanting to read. Also, I really like how you pretty much spot-on guessed what was going to happen next without knowing ;)

**Sailaway:** lol, your ever present attachment to L&L always makes me smile. I'll try to write another chapter for that at some point.

**RMforever:** Aw, fanfiction is like this second part of me that I just can't let go haha. I write it as much for me as you guys. I love your reviews, they make me happy, which can be hard to do. So thank you for being such a great reviewer :)

**Sara:** Thank you for your review. It means a lot!


	20. Interstate Love Song

**A/N Sorry for the two week wait again. I had three papers to write last week. Anyway… you guys rock. Seriously. You all are awesome. I love you guys. I am one lucky author to have all you read and take the time to review. Thank you. **

_Only yesterday you lied, _

_Promises of what I seemed to be _

_Only watched the time go by, _

_All of these things you said to me._

_- Stone Temple Pilots "Interstate Love Song" _

Winter break couldn't pass fast enough for Marissa. Every day she spent hanging out with Luke and all their old friends made her ache for Ryan more and more. She suddenly felt like she had when Ryan Mackenzie left her all those years ago: lonely, sad, incapable of distraction. Even with Brett here trying to make her better, she couldn't escape the growing pit in her chest that a certain Ryan Atwood could only fill.

She knew he needed his space after she chose Luke. It made sense, and she probably would feel the same way if she were in his shoes, but that didn't mean she loved him any less. If anything, her desire for him grew stronger every single second they spent apart. She needed him more than she had ever needed anyone, if only to just be in his presence. Spend time with him. Talk to him. She didn't have to even kiss him, just be _near_ him. Be in the same _room_. Anything. But this distance? This loneliness? Insufferable.

The only thing holding her together was the thought of the plane ride back to Berkeley. Ryan had said they couldn't see each other during break, but was that still technically break? They had tickets placed right next to each other, and the thought of sitting there with him catching up carried her through this darkness. She couldn't wait to see him, to feel his warmth next to her. It felt like an eternity since their dance before Christmas, even though January had barely started.

When Luke came into her room all smiles and rainbows, she almost couldn't take it. "Guess what?" Luke asked, sitting next to her on her bed.

"What?" she asked, staring at him through tired and dull eyes.

"The spot next to you on the plane back to Berkeley opened up. I made sure to book it right away, so we're riding back together!"

Marissa felt like her entire world was shattering once again. The entire duration of her separation from Ryan she counted on that one plane ride. It was what she counted down to when she missed him too much. Now that wasn't going to happen. No plane ride. No Ryan. He had been so hurt that he didn't even want to ride next to her anymore. The thought of how tremendously she hurt him made her insides tighten. "That's…" She swallowed hard to hold back a sob. "Great."

With that, she stood and walked to her bathroom, shutting the door gently behind her. She slumped to the floor, pulling her knees to her chest, burying her face in her arms. With that, Marissa Cooper, broken hearted and despondent, cried.

XXXXX

_**October 19, 1999**_

**RyMAt87:** Wanna know something?

**MAC_12:** Yes, of course.

**RyMAt87:** Today is my birthday.

**MAC_12:** Oh my goodness, how could you not tell me! This is such a big deal! Happy massive freaking birthday!

**RyMAt87:** haha, thanks.

**MAC_12;** How old do you turn?

**RyMAt87:** I know it's young, but 12.

**MAC_12:** Omg, me too! Well, in a few weeks. My birthday is November 4, and I'll be turning 12 then too.

**RyMAt87:** Is that why you have a 12 in your username?

**MAC_12:** Yeah. I know I'm not 12 yet, but I wanted people to think I was older. Stupid, I know.

**RyMAt87:** Why tell me, then?

**MAC_12:** Well, you were honest with me, so I decided I can be honest with you.

**RyMAt87: **Well, thanks.

**MAC_12: **Don't mention it :)

XXXXX

Ryan, meanwhile, was finally able to enjoy his break and relax. Theresa made him forget about his new life and Marissa's rejection, instead pulling him to the present. He showed her around the university, pointing out buildings where he'd attended class, and interesting architectural anecdotes. He showed her the local diner where he and his friends would go eat, the local club they could score alcohol at, the set of apartments where Marissa lived. Even talking about Marissa didn't feel so burdensome and rough anymore with Theresa there; with Marissa far away, it almost felt like their relationship was merely a dream.

Theresa, in turn, told him about life back home. She had a steady job and was saving up to take some classes at the community college. Her mom had briefly gotten really sick – pneumonia – but pulled through when things were bleakest. Ryan's own mom had periods of alcoholism and productivity, and she even held a job at a laundry mat for a couple of months. She might still have it.

Ryan and Theresa did things that they had never done in Chino: they went to the movies, went bowling, played miniature golf, _talked_. It was nice to finally have a friend who was a girl that he didn't feel in love with. He just appreciated Theresa's presence, and somewhere along the way his heart began to mend.

"So what are you going to do when you see her?" Theresa asked Friday night as they shared a medium pepperoni pizza in the living area. She had her legs propped up on the coffee table and ate the greasy pizza with no restrictions, something Marissa would have done, but perhaps more elegantly.

"I'm going to smile and tell her I missed her," Ryan said, taking a bite into his own slice of pizza.

Theresa raised her eyebrows. "That's it?"

"That's it." He reached for a napkin and wiped the grease from his hands. "Maybe give her a hug, if she's up for it."

"So it's going to be that easy for you, huh? Just 'hey, I missed you. I know you totally chose your boyfriend over me and my heart was broken for a long time, but anyway, how was your flight?' Doesn't seem right."

"Well, none of this is right," he said honestly, shrugging as he leaned back on the couch. He looked over at her, his hair falling into his eyes. "I never should've fallen in love with her, and we never should have kissed. Or maybe she never should've had a boyfriend, or we never should've taken things so far." He picked at the dark material of the couch, feeling _okay_ with everything for once. "I'm not saying I'm over her, because I'm not. I don't know if I ever will be. She's just… Marissa. I love her." He lifted his gaze back to Theresa's. "But I'm _okay_. That's a great first step."

"You sound so old right now," Theresa said, laughing.

"Whatever," he said, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, enough of this. Wanna watch a movie?"

"I'll watch a movie, but I refuse to watch that Valley crap that you like," Theresa said, reaching over for the remote.

"_The _Valley, and it's a good show," he said, reaching over to take the remote back. She held it out of his reach and rolled her eyes.

"Oh how I have wronged you. How can you seriously like The Valley? It's a dramatic soap opera made for people who are trying to escape their own mundane lives and live vicariously through pretty, made up Barbies and Kens."

Ryan finally grabbed the remote, flipping through the channels. "Say what you will, but I like it." And this time when he thought of Marissa, his heart hurt only a little.

XXXXX

_**February 1, 2000**_

**RyMAt87: **Okay, I've got a question.

**MAC_12: **Lay it on me.

**RyMAt87:** What's the most important part of a friendship?

**MAC_12:** Well that's easy. Trust.

**RyMAt87**: Trust, huh?

**MAC_12:** Yeah. What else is there besides trust? If you don't trust someone, you can't be friends with them. It's as simple as that.

**RyMAt87:** What about honesty?

**MAC_12:** Well, that feeds into trust.

**RyMAt87:** How so?

**MAC_12**: If someone's not honest, then you can't trust them. Lies always come out. Might as well be truthful to start with.

**RyMAt87:** Any dark secrets you think I should know?

**MAC_12:** Only that I can't sing, and to hear me sing is probably suicidal.

**RyMAt87:** haha, you're silly.

**MAC_12:** What about you? Any dark secrets I should know?

**RyMAt87:** Um.. nope, none that I can think of.

XXXXX

Seth came home that Saturday, wanting to check in on Ryan. When he arrived at the dorm, he raised his eyebrows and slightly blushed when he saw Theresa walking around in Ryan's wife beater and a pair of sweats. "Wow, you work fast."

Ryan looked between Seth and Theresa and realized what it looked like. "Oh, no, Theresa and I aren't…"

"No, no… no explanation needed…" Seth said, grinning like a schoolboy. He winked at Ryan, to which Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Seth, Theresa is an old friend from back home." He stepped aside so Seth could walk in, and shut the door behind him. "Nothing more. Theresa, this is the infamous Seth, and Seth this is Theresa."

Seth extended his hand. "Hi, nice to meet you."

Theresa raised her eyebrows at Seth's outstretched hand, but shook it. "You too. Ryan said you were weird."

Seth frowned and glared at Ryan. "Weird holds such a negative connotation. I prefer unique."

"He also said you talk a lot." Theresa walked to the living area, sitting down on the couch. "And that you think you're good at video games, but you suck."

Seth gave a fake smile. "Ah, that's cause Ryan thinks he knows everything, don't you Ryan?" He walked to the couch and sat down beside Theresa. "Besides, I _rock_ at video games."

Theresa snorted. "Prove it."

Seth gave her a look. "You know what? I will."

Ryan just laughed and rolled his eyes at the two, sitting down on one of the chairs. He watched them for a while, laughing at how competitive they both were. Needless to say, Theresa was whipping Seth's ass.

About an hour later, his phone beeped, signaling a text. He lost his smile when he saw who it was.

**Riss: **_guessing you're back at school already?_

He wondered whether or not he should talk to her. The break wasn't technically over. But the truth of the matter was, he missed her. And wasn't moving on just being able to talk to her again without it hurting? Maybe this would start.

**Ryan: ** _yeah, since Monday._

Immediately, he received another text.

**Riss: **_Oh ok. _

He didn't know what to respond, so he didn't, placing his phone back on the table. But a minute later, he received yet another text.

**Riss: **_See you tomorrow?_

He could see her sitting on her bed back in Newport, biting her lip as she nervously waited for him to respond. He remembered the sadness in her eyes the last time he saw her; despite everything, she missed him too. She cared, just not enough. But at least it was something.

**Ryan: **_yeah, see you then._

XXXXX

_**January 1, 2001**_

**RyMAt87: **Happy New Year!

**MAC_12: **Happy New Year to you!

**RyMAt87: **Though we technically said it to each other already. This morning. At midnight.

**MAC_12**: Yeah, but now the sun is shining outside. It's a whole different meaning.

**RyMAt87: **Can you believe we have been talking for almost two years?

**MAC_12: **Well, I'm glad. You're my best friend. Life without you would kind of suck.

**RyMAt87**: Oh thanks.

**MAC_12: **What about me?

**RyMAt87: **What do you mean?

**MAC_12: **What, no 'You're my best friend too, Riss. Life without you would suck.'

**RyMAt87: **Well, it would.

**MAC_12: **:( :( :(

**RyMAt87: **Haha, you are my very best friend, Riss. I can't imagine life without you in it.

**MAC_12: **Much better :)

XXXXX

Marissa couldn't wait to reach school.

She found it amusing that she missed school so much when all her life she had been desperately trying to escape everything education had to offer. But that was then, when her life was on the computer with Ryan Mackenzie or hanging out with Brett. Now that school meant Berkeley and Berkeley meant Ryan Atwood, she would gladly endure school every single day.

Luke was happy to see her happy again. He had noticed she was off, and he really noticed that Ryan wasn't around. She explained that Ryan wanted to give her and Luke some time alone, which made Luke really happy. It was kind of true, after all. She just didn't add the part about falling in love with Ryan.

And she was in love with Ryan. She was having a really hard time denying it anymore. It was right there all the time. She woke up thinking about him, went to bed wondering how he was, dreamt she was with him. She was in love with her best friend, and each day she spent without him the realization grew even stronger. She was in love, and she wanted to be with him. If he would still take her. If he could forgive her for choosing wrongly.

She barely let Luke touch her since Ryan left her on the beach. She smiled and laughed it off, but she didn't feel right having Luke's hands on hers, not after knowing what it felt with Ryan. She had never wanted to hurt Luke, but she realized now she was hurting him by staying with him. She would never love him, not like she loved Ryan, and he deserved someone who could feel the same way about him as he did her. And tomorrow morning she would tell him that.

But tonight, she wanted to talk to Ryan, to get his opinion. A month without Ryan had given her plenty of time to think, and she knew what she wanted. She wanted Ryan. She wanted love. And for once in her life, it was attainable.

They reached the dorms, and Luke smiled. "Moment of truth," he said, opening the door. And it really was, Marissa decided, her heart beating so hard in her chest she was sure it wasn't safe. "Hey Chino, we're back!" Luke called out, walking in carrying his suitcase. They had already dropped off Marissa's at her apartment.

Marissa bit her lip to hide her smile at seeing Ryan again. He stood and walked over to them, taking Luke's suitcase and putting it down. "Hey man, good to see you again," he said, patting Luke on the back.

"Yeah, you too." Luke turned to Marissa. "Hey babe, I'm gonna go shower. Planes make me feel gross." With that, he began walking to his room.

Ryan's eyes fell on Marissa, and her eyes fell on his. He smiled softly at her, his eyes sparkling as he gazed at her. "Hey," he said softly, tilting his head at her.

"Hey," she replied, wanting to say so much, but not here. Not in front of Luke.

And apparently Seth and some other chick she hadn't even noticed. "Oh, hey, my name's Luke," she heard, and she tore her eyes from Ryan's to see a brunette girl sitting on the couch.

She didn't even hear the girl's response, only her own beating pulse in her head. How stupid was she? Thinking that Ryan would still want her after what she had put him through. Of course he would have moved on. "Oh," she said, not even realizing she'd spoken.

Ryan looked back at the girl, then at Marissa, his eyes growing wide. "Oh, no no no.. she's not… we're not…" He stopped, rubbing the back of his neck as he collected his thoughts. "Were just friends," he clarified, gesturing towards the girl.

"Friends," Marissa said, the word bitter on her tongue. Like _she _and Ryan were. Just _friends_.

"Yeah… nothing more," he said, his eyes penetrating past her walls. "I missed you," he said softly, angling his head at hers. "A lot, actually."

"Really?" she asked quietly, feeling extremely vulnerable. Luke walked past them to the shower, whistling something with his towel flung over his shoulder.

"I'll be out soon. Try not to trash the place while I'm showering!" Luke called out, shutting the door behind him.

Ryan ignored him, tucking a strand of Marissa's hair behind her ear. "Yeah, really." He smiled.

She couldn't help but smile back, blushing lightly. "I missed you too. A whole lot."

Seth called over to them. "Are you two gonna stand over there all night, or are you going to watch me beat Theresa at this game?"

"Right, beat me, when you haven't beaten me all weekend," Theresa said sarcastically.

A shiver went up Marissa's spine, but she shrugged it off. Theresa was probably just some girl Ryan had met over the past week; no need to be jealous. She walked over to the living area and sat down on the ottoman in the room. "Theresa, is it?" Marissa asked, smiling politely in her direction.

"Yeah, I'm Theresa. You must be Marissa," Theresa said, glancing at Marissa to offer a warm smile while still playing the video game.

"Yeah, that's me." Ryan sat on the floor, leaning his back against the couch. He smiled at Marissa, and she felt content for the first time. "So do you live in these halls?" Marissa asked, trying not to stare like an idiot at Ryan.

"Oh, no. I know Ryan from Chino."

The shiver went up her spine again, except this time she couldn't shrug it off. "Chino?" Marissa asked slowly, tearing her eyes from Ryan's.

"Oh yeah. Ryan and I were neighbors."

_I haven't met many of the neighbors. There is this one girl who lives next door named Theresa though. She's our age. _

"Next door neighbors?" Marissa asked, her heart pounding hard against her chest.

"Yeah, he moved next door to me like three years ago." Theresa still hadn't looked over from playing the game, not finding the conversation important, but both Seth and Ryan now had their eyes glued to Marissa.

_Did I tell you that Theresa is now my lab partner? _

_Well, she is. Talk about incompetent. She doesn't know much of anything, and she is really starting to annoy me. If I fail the class, I blame it on her. _

Marissa breathed in slowly, holding the breath before blowing it out. "You didn't happen to be lab partners, did you?" And she really hoped the answer was no. If the answer was no, it was all just some weird coincidence. There were two Ryan and Theresas. Stranger things had happened. She was just being paranoid.

Except, she wasn't just being paranoid. "Yeah. Ryan hated me for the better part of that first year. I was always dropping everything, and he just glared at me like that would make me stop. Really, it only intimidated me more." She noticed Seth had stopped playing, so she paused the game and looked over at the three of them. "What? Is something wrong?"

"I just have to go," Marissa said, grabbing her purse and pretty much running out of the dorm room, just wanting to escape it all.

It was all just a bad dream. Just some bad ream, right? A nightmare. She would wake up and everything would be normal again. There was some good explanation. She was just going out of her mind and being paranoid. Ryan would never lie, not like this. It just didn't make sense. It wasn't right.

Ryan caught up with her when she was outside, walking fast to escape the truth. "Marissa, wait!" he called out to her, but she just kept walking. She couldn't look at him. She couldn't accept the truth. It just couldn't be. If she didn't turn back, if she didn't look at him, it wasn't true. "Marissa, Marissa!" He finally reached her, placing his hand on her arm. That did it to her. His touch unraveled everything.

"When's your birthday?" she blurted out.

He stared at her, his chest rising and falling quickly. "What?"

"Your birthday. When's your birthday?" she asked, and she couldn't believe she had never asked before.

He looked down at his boots, then back at her, squinting slightly. "Marissa…"

"Just tell me," she said, more forcefully than she meant to.

He slumped his shoulders, defeated, and she didn't even have to hear his answer to know that this wasn't some nightmare. This was reality. Life was the nightmare. "October 19."

Those two words hit her harder than anything else. He had lied to her. He had knowingly lied to her this entire damn time, and she had _fallen_ for him? She turned around, not even bothering to reply. She started walking away again, needing to get as far away from him as possible.

"Marissa!" he called after her, running up and placing his hand on her arm again. "Listen…"

She whirled around. "No, _you_ listen. You lied to me. You lied to me from the moment I met you, from the very first moment we spoke. You led me on, you let me believe you were someone different than you really are, you let me _confide_ in you." She shook her head, still unable to believe it. She had fallen in love twice in her short life, both to the same guy. And twice he had broken her.

"Marissa, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking…"

She let out a snort. "Yeah, obviously. Because who in their right mind would trick someone like that?" She felt pure disgust and hatred rise up like bile. "I told you things, personal things. I trusted you and I befriended you. I let you in, and all you did was lie to me. How could you?"

He looked away from her penetrating gaze, unable to bear the fury. "I don't know. It started out as a small lie. I was just too shocked. Then you wouldn't talk to me, so it didn't matter anyway. Then you and I started to become friends and I didn't want to mess things up." He met her gaze briefly before dropping it again. "And then I couldn't tell you because I knew you would be angry. Too much time had passed."

"So which one is true? Mackenzie or Atwood?"

He sighed. "My full name is Ryan Mackenzie Atwood."

She shook her head, tears reaching her eyes. She was so damn angry. "Unbelievable. You lied to me, even back then. Our whole relationship, _both times_, has been one massive fucking lie."

"No, it hasn't been," he said, reaching for her hand. She flinched, pulling away from him, too disgusted by him to even want him anywhere near her, much less _touching_ her. "Marissa, I loved you even back then. I love you more now. Our relationship has been built on friendship, and no stupid lie can take that away."

She shook her head in disbelief, unable to fathom how absolutely stupid he was. "You know what, Ryan?"

He stared at her helplessly. "What?"

She glared at him, putting all her anger and hatred into her gaze. "I'm going to take something out of the Ryan _Mackenzie _playbook." She looked him up and down, and in that moment she would spit on him if she didn't find him so incredibly below her. "This time, _I'm_ going to abandon _you_."

And with that, she walked away, leaving Ryan Mackenzie Atwood to stare after her.

XXXXX

_**June 25, 2003**_

**MAC_12: **Hey Ry?

**RyMAt87: **Yes?

**MAC_12: **What do you think life would have been like if we never met each other?

**RyMAt87: **Where is this coming from?

**MAC_12: **I don't know. With everything that has happened, I've just been thinking a lot lately. What do you think life would have been like if we never met each other?

**RyMAt87: **I know my life would have sucked. I never would have felt this close to another person. I never would have trusted anyone.

**MAC_12: **It's weird thinking about how thins could have been so different. If I didn't ever watch the Valley. If you never went online. If we had never been online at the same time. It's weird how one choice can change everything.

**RyMAt87: **Yeah. Yeah, I guess it does.

XXXXX

**Individual Replies:**

**RMforever:** Aw, you're too sweet. I'm really not that great haha. But thank you.

**Guest:** Gotta be honest, I have no idea what that said.

**Riss H:** So, she obviously realized who Ryan really is. But don't think there isn't room for jealousy in the future :) And yes, I have heard of the show Catfish, but I have never seen it before.

**Danielle:** Your review means so much to me. You say that I am a small light of sunshine, but your review was the whole freaking sun.

**Skillz37:** The ending might be delayed for a little bit, so you don't have to be too sad yet :)

**Sara:** Hmm, that is a good idea. I really do like Last Christmas. I'll see if I can think of anything. I have to get ideas first.

**Sailaway:** haha, well you always were one of my greatest fans :)

**Tcsportsmed7:** Thank you!


	21. I Want You Back

**A/N Sorry, no chats today. I'm in a really depressed mood. My arm hurts from certain things I did to it. I'm cold. So no chats today. They will be resumed next time. Also next time will be some jealous Marissa. Maybe. Depends on how much I feel like writing the next time around. So… yeah. Hope you enjoy it. Please review. They make me happy, and few things make me happy, especially lately. R/R, enjoy.**

As a frequent visitor of hell on earth, Ryan thought they should give a special discount to returning guests. After all, it seemed to be the only place he spent his time lately. Once he finally left and felt better, something would throw him over the edge right back to hell.

Why hadn't he told Marissa the truth sooner? Did he really think he would get away with her never knowing? Eventually she would ask enough questions, or it would be his birthday again and he wouldn't be able to hide away from her. If they had ever been together, would he have been able to hide his whole self from her for the rest of their lives just so she wouldn't get upset? Had he really thought that would work?

Now that he knew he had blown his chances of ever being with Marissa, everything felt incredibly dreary. Theresa tried to cheer him up, as did Seth, but nothing could bring him out of his funk. Five days passed without Marissa ever calling him or even texting back. He saw her at a distance a few times and tried to catch up with her, but she always managed to slip past without him reaching her. They had another class together this semester, but she sat far away from him in the middle of two groups so that he couldn't even sit next to her. She had somehow become an expert at hiding from him, just as he had after their first almost kiss.

He missed her. Suddenly spending an entire month without her seemed like the stupidest thing ever – right next to not telling her the truth in the first place. Maybe if he had seen her for more than an hour in the past month he wouldn't be hurting so much, but the loss was too much for him to bear. He needed to see his best friend. It was that simple. He didn't care the consequences anymore.

Theresa wasn't exactly supportive when he told her his entire story about Marissa. "You _lied_?!"

"I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. It seemed like the right thing to do." With his head in his hands, you'd think she would go easy on him.

She didn't. "How freaking stupid are you, Ryan? Really? Thinking she would never find out, never get to know the _real_ you?"

"This is the real me. I just didn't tell her that she already knew me," he argued, but Theresa would have none of it.

"God, you're stupid. No wonder we never worked out. You were always hung up on this other girl, and once you finally found her again after _abandoning _her, you didn't even tell her who you were." She shook her head, rolling her eyes. "I don't know what I ever saw in you. Top of our class and yet you fail modern relationships."

He glared at her. "As if you're perfect."

She patted his shoulder. "Oh, I'm not. But unlike you, I have the decency to tell the truth about it."

He knew Theresa was right, and besides she was just giving him tough love. But that didn't stop the fact that he missed Marissa more than anything and just needed to hear her voice again – more than her answering machine. Even if she was completely angry and yelling, he needed to talk to her. To explain his reasons to her. To let her know it was him – it was always him – he had never changed. He just hadn't told her.

She would forgive him eventually. She had to. Because if she didn't – well, he didn't even want to think about that.

XXXXX

Marissa wondered if she should just rent a permanent room in hell on earth, since she never seemed to leave these days.

First she almost lost Brett. Then she realized she loved Ryan, but couldn't be with him because she was both afraid of her feelings and too scared to hurt Luke. Then she realized she wanted Ryan because she loved him endlessly, but he was actually a huge massive liar. Now, she permanently resided in hell and she just didn't see a way out.

How could he have lied? She had thought he actually cared about her. All the times he had looked at her as if she were more important than anything in the room, all the 'secrets' he had told her, all the times he had made her entire body shake with just a smile – how could that guy be such a liar? Did he ever take her seriously, or was he just a massive con artist looking for ways to hurt innocent girls? Or rather, _one _innocent girl. _Twice_.

More importantly, how had she let him? She dissected their conversations countlessly over the five days since she stormed away, and she knew how obvious it was that it was him all along. He had the same conversation style, the same sweetness, the same care. He had made her fall for him twice because he seemed so genuine and loving, but was that all a lie? She couldn't discern truth from fiction anymore. He had lied about his name – had he lied about his heart?

He left her message after message, but she didn't listen to any of them. She didn't read his texts. She didn't even look at her phone much, and the only person she talked to was ironically Luke. He didn't know what had upset her so much, but for his part he was really nice to her and just held her while she stared off thinking about Ryan. Knowing that Luke at least had always been honest with her made her realize she had been wrong. _Again_. Maybe Luke did deserve another chance. She wouldn't break up with him – he was the only person here who hadn't continuously lied to her for the past semester. At least she knew where his heart stood. And maybe, just maybe, someday she would be feeling the same way for him.

On Friday night Luke had some Greek party, and Marissa just wanted to be alone. She shut off her phone, threw on her sweatpants and a tank top, and just lounged on the couch surfing the channels on TV. Maybe some crappy reality show would ease her pain. Maybe she would even order a pizza and pig out on greasy food until she had a massive heart attack. Nothing could be more painful than her already aching heart.

Much to her surprise, someone knocked on her door at about seven that night. She hadn't even decided on what kind of pizza she wanted, and yet someone was at her door? How strange. She stood and without looking through the peephole, opened her door only to sigh and try shutting it again. "I don't feel like talking, Ryan."

He stuck his foot in the door to prevent it from shutting, and softly said, "Please. I brought food."

She wanted to push him away, but her growling stomach protested before the words actually made their way to her mouth. "What kind of food?" she finally said after a minute of contemplation.

"Pepperoni pizza, extra cheese, extra pepperoni with a three liter coke?" He phrased it like a question, seeking her approval.

Her growling stomach approved. "Fine. You can come in. But only because I'm starving." She walked away from the door, not bothering to even open it for him, going to sit on the couch again.

She heard rather than saw the smile in his voice. "I brought paper plates and plastic cups so that there aren't any dishes to do." He shut the door behind him with his foot, happily walking to the couch. He set the food he brought on the coffee table, then opened his jacket to reveal a dozen red roses. "I brought you these."

In any other circumstance, her heart would have melted. Now, she didn't even acknowledge him. "God, I'm starving." She reached for a paper plate and immediately grabbed a slice of pizza, moaning in delight when she took a bite.

His eyes dimmed, but his smile didn't go away. "I'll put them in a vase for you." He went to her kitchen, reaching around until he found a vase to put the roses in. When he was finished, he came back to find her already on her second slice of pizza. "They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I guess that's true for women too."

"You would know," she muttered, taking another bite. As long as she ate, she didn't have to look at him, and if she didn't look at him, she didn't have to acknowledge the ache in her heart.

He let that comment slide, instead sitting on the other side of the couch. "I'm glad you like the pizza. I didn't know what to bring over. I really wanted to get you something you would appreciate."

"To make up for the lack of appreciation for the truth?" she muttered, placing her half-eaten slice down and grabbing a napkin.

"I deserve that," he started, but she interjected.

"Yeah, you really do." She wiped her hands and mouth, sitting back on the couch, not even looking in his direction. He took this as an invitation to talk, so he did.

"I know you're upset." She snorted, shaking her head in disgust. "And I know this is all my fault. I should have told you the truth from the beginning, but can you blame me for lying?" She immediately shot a death glare in his direction. "Okay, so you can…" He sighed, scooting a little bit closer to her. "Marissa, I'm sorry. How many times can I say that before it sinks in? I never meant to hurt you…"

She didn't look at him, didn't even push him away with her anger. Softly, she said, "Well, you did." And it hurt worse than any of the things she could have screamed at him.

"The first time I ever saw you was through a picture you sent me." He smiled at the memory. "You took my breath away, even then. I regretted not being able to send you a picture back, not because I think you would have liked what you saw, but because I knew you deserved to know whom you had befriended." He sighed, rubbing his hands together. "And you deserve that now, too. To know who you're friends with."

He placed his hands on his knees, letting out a breath of air. "My name is Ryan Mackenzie Atwood. I was born October 19, 1987. I love the colors white, black, and blue. My mom's name is Dawn, my dad's name is Frank, my brother's name is Trey. My dad was arrested when I was ten for armed robbery, and my brother took off when I was thirteen. Haven't seen him since. In '98 The Valley started, and I happened upon it during a huge fight between my mom and my brother. There was a lot of screaming and yelling as well as things breaking. I had just turned eleven, and I had nothing to lose so I watched it. I found it interesting because all these rich people had so much drama and I thought money would make people automatically happy. I watched it every week after that, and it made everything seem okay."

He paused, drumming his fingers on his knees before continuing. "In April of '99 my mom finally got internet. Coincidentally, the fighting got worse. So, my room being the one with the computer because my mom thought I was 'smart' enough or it, I locked myself up in my room one night and did a search of The Valley. I found the message boards, and created an account. I found this girl by the username of MAC_12. I thought she was so interesting, so I started talking to her." He glanced her way, but she didn't look in his direction. If he didn't know her so well, he would have thought she wasn't listening, but he could tell she was hanging on to every word. "I met _you_. And, well, you know how that went.

"I knew I was in love with you by my birthday. It wasn't the kind of love you read in books where there is this burst of sexual desire and electricity. It started out innocent, really. I just knew I wanted to talk to you all the time. My entire world began and ended with our talks. I couldn't sleep I thought of you so much. My heart beat faster when you would reply. My hands got sweaty. I was so overwhelmed with you. It got worse with time. I stopped caring about anything else. I kept up my schoolwork, but only so I could maybe see you one day."

Marissa still said nothing, just stared straight ahead, but her hands were clutching hard at her sweats, so he knew she was listening to him attentively. He loved her for that. "Time went on. We moved to Chino from Fresno, as you know. Things between us got rough. I started feeling guilty all the time because I loved you and I felt as if I were holding you back. I just wanted you to be happy, Marissa. Even then, I was so in love with you."

"Then why did you leave?" Marissa asked quietly, the first time she had spoken in a long while.

"I thought if I left you would have a better life. I didn't want you to feel so insecure and alone when I couldn't be there. I figured if you had someone _real_, you wouldn't feel so upset all the time. I knew whatever I did would never be enough, not for you. I would never be enough. I would never be smart enough or rich enough. You wouldn't be able to carry on in the same way you had been. I wanted the most amazing life for you, and I thought if I left, you could have it."

Marissa shook her head, wrapping her arms around herself. She brought her knees to her chest, and yet she still refused to look at him. "I was in love with you, too, Ryan. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you." Her voice, so soft, cut straight into him. "When you left, I felt like my entire world had been ripped apart from me. I not only lost the love of my life, I lost my entire future, everything I thought I knew."

"Marissa…" he breathed, prepared to apologize, but she wouldn't let him.

"What happened after you left?"

He sighed, but answered. "I found a new way of life. I was less caring, more reckless. I didn't care if anything happened to me because it didn't matter without you anymore. I thought of talking to you a thousand times, of crawling back to beg your forgiveness, but I knew if I stayed away you would have a better life. So I did. I worked harder at school than ever before, and I did really well. I went to the top of my class. I started getting scholarship offers after a while. I didn't feel, not the way I did for you, but I learned to live in the numbness. The only time that ever came close to affecting me as much was when I was going to have that baby. And it died on my birthday.

"I decided to come to Berkeley because they offered a full ride. I was going to start a new chapter in my life. It was sad because I always thought of going to the same college as you, but I figured I would go on the same way I always had. When I saw you standing in front of me, it was the single most exhilarating and frightening moment in my entire life. Until we kissed, anyway. Because there you were, after all this time, here again." He turned to her, willing her to look at him, but she wouldn't. "I know I should've told you, Marissa, but I was in shock. And I didn't even know if you remembered me anymore. Then, I was too afraid to tell you. For a lot of reasons. Time went by so quickly, and I fell for you all over again. Everything about you. For the first time, I knew your mannerisms. I knew your nervous habits. I could say I finally knew nearly everything about you, and I didn't want to tell you the truth because I wouldn't lose you again. I couldn't."

He stopped speaking, having said everything he had to say, and still she remained silent. Finally, she murmured, "And now you have."

She stood, and he watched her go, confused. "Marissa…" he said, standing to look at her.

She was too quick for him, having already gone to her purse, grabbed something, and returned. "Here." She thrust the object in her hand, and he looked down to see a twenty dollar bill.

"What..?"

"For the pizza." She took a step back, refusing to meet his confused gaze.

"I brought it as a gift," he said, trying to hand her back the money, but she wouldn't let him.

"You were trying to buy my time, which you did, but now I think you should go." She wrapped her arms around herself, looking past him as she talked, never directly at him. "Besides, I only accept gifts from friends."

"So we're not friends?" he asked incredulously.

She shrugged, still not meeting his gaze. "At this point, I don't even think we're acquaintances."

He stared at her, incredibly frustrated. "So what, we're strangers now?"

"Haven't we always been?" She finally met his gaze, and the coldness chilled him to his bones.

"No, I always loved you. I always knew you…"

"I just never knew _you_."

He shook his head. "No, you did. You knew me inside and out. So what if you didn't know my last name, or know that we had spoken before? That doesn't change the fact that you fell in love with me back then. It doesn't change the fact that we became best friends all over again. It doesn't change anything, Marissa."

She laughed now, bitter and sharp. "It doesn't change anything? It changes _everything_, Ryan. It changes everything I thought I knew about you. So what if you love me? So what if I loved you? So what if we were friends, if we kissed, if I thought I knew you better than anyone else?" The bitterness left, and in its place he found tears. Somehow, the tears were worse. "So what if we had this amazing past, because in the present? I don't trust you. You hurt me. You betrayed the very foundation of friendship. Trust. And now? Now I can't stand to be around you. I feel sick and wrong. Broken. Hurt. And maybe time will fix that, but at the present moment, it's not fixed. It's not okay. We are not okay, and I really think you should go."

It was the most she had said to him in a long time, but it didn't make him feel any better, only worse. "I never wanted to hurt you," he murmured, taking a step toward her.

She took a step back, her voice soft and broken. "Well, you did."

"I'm so sorry," he said, his eyes burning. But he didn't cry, because he never cried. But it hurt nonetheless.

"I know," she said, and above all else that gave him the most hope.

"At least take the money back," he said, trying to press it back into her hands.

"Consider it my contribution to all the dinners we have eaten together," she said quietly, back to not looking him in the eyes.

"I love you," he murmured, and he had never meant it more as he stared at her, even though she possibly never wanted to see him again.

"I think I know that too," she whispered, and it broke his heart to see hers breaking.

"Riss…" he said, not wanting to leave her, especially not like this.

"Please, Ry, just…." She wiped some tears from her eyes. "Please."

"Okay," he said, accepting the fact that she needed space. "But know this: I love you, and even though I may not be considered a friend to you right now, you will always be mine." He placed the twenty on her coffee table, then left without another word, hoping like hell that she cared enough to see him leave.

And for her part, she lifted her eyes to catch him walking out the door, her heart shattered to microscopic pieces as she watched her whole world walk away.

XXXXX

**Individual Replies:**

**xoElle23:** The fact that you said "loved it to bits and pieces" made me smile haha. I don't know why. Thank you.

**Tcsportsmed7:** Hope I didn't disappoint.

**RMforever:** haha, I didn't know a heart could break in a good way. In Marissa's defense, she did just learn that the person she was ready to give her heart completely to was the same guy who abandoned her. More of her pov coming to hopefully make you a little more sympathetic haha.

**Riss H:** And can they move on? :o

**Sailaway:** Well, if I'm ever to finish this story, I can't really drag things out anymore haha. So a lot of the coming chapters are going to be 'one-two-bang.'

**Guest:** Haha thanks I think.


	22. You'll See

**A/N Hey guys! Sorry for not posting this on Friday. I was out of town. I mean, I'm out of town technically all week since I'm back home in Texas, but I wasn't in my hometown. Confusing, I know. Anyway, you guys all reviewed so promptly that I couldn't let another entire week go by without posting, so I stayed up late writing this tonight. I hope it fits expectations. Marissa will be even more jealous and verbal next post, but this was setting up the beginning of her pain and anger. I hope you guys like it. On a side note, you guys are incredible. Seriously. Best reviewers around. R/R, enjoy!**

**Warning: this chapter contains a little strong language. Not a lot, but still.**

_His lips were hot and moist on her skin. Her entire body burned with molten desire and her skin was putty in his hands. If he told her to jump, she'd leap; she'd already given near everything to him, and she wouldn't ever refuse him._

_He kissed her neck, nipping at the flesh lightly. She moaned, arched her back, ground her hips further into his. He found her pulse point and opened his mouth, sucked her beating skin as if he were drawing from her life itself. _

_Their hands were everywhere. Over clothes, under, removing clothes. He was down to his unbuttoned jeans, his black boxers showing beneath. She was down to her jeans and bra, her entire body aching to be touched, to be ravaged. She wanted him. She needed him. She couldn't go another day, night, second without having him possess every single part of her._

"_I thought you were mad," he murmured against her skin, kissing down to her collarbone._

_She moaned in delight, her eyes shut in rapture. "I am."_

_His blue eyes stared up at her through blonde lashes, smiling against her warm skin. "Right," he murmured, the vibrations of his words echoing through her skin._

"_I am. I just…" She laid her head back, wanting to resume the pleasure without the pain. "Miss you."_

"_So you love me." He resumed his kissing, trailing up to her jaw, tracing the smooth curve, her chin, then across to her other side._

"_I don't trust you," she all but groaned out._

"_You'd trust me with your life." His lips kissed her forehead, her brow, her temple, her hairline. _

"_Because I know you love me and you wouldn't let anything hurt me," she retaliated, her lips burning with the desire to kiss him. As his lips drew nearer, she licked them, readying herself for another smoldering, passionate kiss. His kisses were by far the best._

_Just as he was about to finally press his lips against hers, he drew back and stared her straight in the eyes, a soft smile on his face. "Then what else matters?"_

_She placed her hands on the side of his face, feeling his soft skin, but even the warmth of his entire body pressed against hers didn't stop the cold chill down her spine. "You lied."_

"_You love me," he repeated, staring her straight on._

"_I want you to kiss me," she said, avoiding the question, trying to smile and charm her way back to the euphoria._

"_Like this?" he asked, leaning down to kiss her neck, her shoulder, her collarbone, right above her bra._

"_No…" She pulled on his hair, trying to lead him to her lips. _

_But he didn't kiss her. He smirked and asked, "Why do you want me to kiss you, Marissa?"_

"_Because you're a good kisser," she argued._

"_You're lying."_

"_And you're being a tease." She glared, but she still ached for him. Her lips ached for his. _

"_You love me," he repeated, the third time now. "You want me to kiss you because you love me."_

"_Maybe I'm horny," she bit back, narrowing her eyes at him. _

"_You don't have to kiss to fuck," he said, pulling away from her, grinning ear to ear. "You have to kiss to make love."_

"_So?"_

_He pulled his shirt on, eliciting a groan of displeasure. "So, you love me."_

"_I… am angry," she replied, because she was. She was so angry whenever she thought about how he had lied, how he had left, how he had spent months withholding everything from her and years away from her. _

"_Doesn't mean you don't love me," he replied with a shrug, buttoning his pants._

"_Where are you going?" She asked quietly, not willing to comment on his words._

"_It's time for you to wake up," he said with a soft smile, the kind that had always melted her heart. "And to begin to find a way to accept the fact that you love me and need to deal with everything."_

Marissa opened her eyes with a start, scanning the room to find herself alone. She looked down and saw she was dressed in her sweatpants and tank top, and the clock read 8 AM. She needed to start getting up soon to get ready for her 9 o'clock class.

It was Friday, a week since she had last spoken to Ryan. Yet ever since he left, she dreamt of him every single night. She always awoke tired, frustrated, and confused and every night it was the same exact thing. But she refused to look too much into it. She didn't want to deal with Ryan. She didn't want to talk to him, and most days even seeing him across the room in her astronomy class was enough to make her blood boil.

She threw her covers off and grabbed some clothes before heading to the bathroom to shower. Ryan and his annoying dreams would have to wait for later. She had class to think about, not a chronic liar with the softest, sweetest smile.

XXXX

_**January 15, 2000**_

**MAC_12: **Okay, hypothetical scenario for you.

**RyMAt87: **Alright, what is it?

**MAC_12: **You're in hell, and the only way out is to lose the person you care for most. Would you give up that person for an eternity in paradise, or would you stay burning in hell to be with that one person?

**RyMAt87: **How do you even come up with these things?

**MAC_12: **I get bored at school. Come on, answer!

**RyMAt87: **I am, I am. It's just really complicated to think about. Okay, so I have to choose between the person I care for most and an eternity of paradise?

**MAC_12**: Basically, yes.

**RyMAt87: **I would choose to stay in hell.

**MAC_12: **How come?

**RyMAt87: **I have my reasons.

**MAC_12: ** And you aren't going to tell me?

**RyMAt87: **And risk sounding pathetic? No thank you.

**MAC_12: ** I could never think you're pathetic. Come on, I thought we were best friends now…

**RyMAt87: **Fine, but you can't make fun of me.

**MAC_12: **I wouldn't dare.

**RyMAt87: **Well, I live in a really bad place. I've alluded to it, but I have a really bad home life. My mom drinks, my dad is in prison, and my brother is really messed up. Sometimes my mom brings bad guys home that like to rough me up a bit. And that's a nice way to put it. But at the end of the day, I have one silver lining. One person who makes this hell better. And even if I could get out of this place, if I lost this person – none of it would matter.

**MAC_12: **That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. Who makes it better if you don't mind me asking?

**RyMAt87: **Isn't it obvious?

**MAC_12: **No…

**RyMAt87: **For someone so smart, you sure don't see what's right in front of you all the time, do you?

**MAC_12: **I don't understand…

**RyMAt87: **It's you, silly girl. You're the one who makes it better.

**MAC_12: **So you'd go through hell for me?

**RyMAt87: ** Any hell with you there for me is paradise.

XXXX

Ryan missed his best friend. It was as simple as that. He really shouldn't have been so stupid and spent an entire month away from Marissa. Or three years. He really should just stop leaving Marissa. Now that he knew what it felt like to be the one abandoned, he regretted everything.

Theresa was a wonderful friend, a good distraction, but at the end of the day she just wasn't Marissa. He didn't love her. He didn't have any romantic feelings for her. His world didn't begin and end with her. He needed Marissa, and this distance was really starting to get to him.

"If you spend one more day moping around without talking to Marissa, I'm going to die of annoyance," Theresa finally said Friday morning, as Ryan got ready for class.

"She won't talk to me," Ryan reminded her, pulling a blue button up shirt over his black t-shirt.

"Then talk to her. It's that simple. Put yourself in her path and just talk. It's not that hard." Theresa sat on his bed, twirling her hair around her finger. Ryan had slept on the couch the entire time Theresa was here, and she slept in his bed. He knew they had slept in the same bed before, but he didn't want to ruin their friendship. Not this time.

"It's hard when all she does is avoid you," he replied, walking to the bathroom to observe himself in the mirror.

Theresa followed, leaning against the doorframe in boy shorts and one of his wife beaters. "Are you telling me you don't know where to find her on any given day? That you don't know her schedule?"

Ryan turned to give her a look. "I know her schedule by heart. We registered for classes together. I helped her look up her professors online to see if anyone had commented on how hard they are. I walked with her to the buildings she had never heard of." He turned back to the mirror, staring at himself again. He looked very tired. "I know her schedule."

"Then meet her when she least expects it."

He sighed, shaking his head. "It isn't that easy. She hates me."

"She loves you. She just doesn't realize it," Theresa assured him.

He brushed past her, walking back into his room to grab his messenger bag and all his books. "Yeah, right."

"How will you ever know if you don't talk to her?" Theresa asked, now standing in the doorway of his bedroom. He gave her a look again and she rolled her eyes. "What classes does she have today?"

"She has a 9 AM, an 11 AM, and a 2 PM," Ryan replied, barely having to even think of it. He avoided Theresa's amused smirk.

"How about this? You have class at 10, right? After that, meet her after her 11 AM and talk to her. I'll meet you at that coffee stand that you always go to, and then we'll go get lunch before your 1 PM class. That way, even if she shoots you down, you know you'll get a meal out of it." She smiled. "I'll even pay."

He sighed, throwing the strap of his messenger bag over his shoulder. "Fine, I'll talk to her." He stared at her. "But you better take me to a good lunch."

With that, he left, his stomach twisted as he thought of having to endure the heartbreak that was Marissa Cooper.

XXXX

_**January 24, 2003**_

**RyMAt87: **Hey :)

**MAC_12: **Hey. You're on later than usual. What held you up?

**RyMAt87: **My mom. She decided that she was going to cook dinner herself for a change. Made a whole big thing about it. Invited Theresa over and everything.

**MAC_12: **You and your mom had dinner with Theresa?

**RyMAt87: **Yeah. Mom's idea.

**MAC_12: **Sounds… interesting.

**RyMAt87: **Not really. My mom and Theresa got along well enough, but my mom was acting really weird. Staring at me and Theresa like we were going to get married or something.

**MAC_12: **Interesting.

**RyMAt87: ** They just talked and talked. I tried to listen at first, but after a while I just tuned them out and started thinking about you.

**MAC_12: **Oh really?

**RyMAt87: **Yes, really. I missed you like crazy. I was wondering what you were doing, if you were missing me as much as I missed you. It was horrible, Riss.

**MAC_12: **Well, as usual, I spent the night here just waiting for you to return.

**RyMAt87: **You make it sound like I'm not around a lot.

**MAC_12: **You're around, just not as much as you used to be.

**RyMAt87: **Yeah, I'm sorry. Things have been hectic. You know how it is – new place, new school, new room. Lots of unpacking, and even more catching up.

**MAC_12: **And dinners with Theresa. Don't forget the dinners with Theresa.

**RyMAt87: **Hey, one dinner, and I already told you I spent the entire thing just missing you.

**MAC_12: **For now.

**RyMAt87: **What's that supposed to mean?

**MAC_12: **Nothing.

XXXX

Marissa hadn't been sleeping well because of her Ryan dreams, and she was exhausted all throughout her 11AM Calculus class. Last semester Ryan had helped her with math since he was really good at it, but it seemed she was all alone this time. Her lack of sleep and understanding made staying awake during class nearly impossible.

Instead of paying attention, her thoughts wandered to Ryan. She wondered what he was doing right now, if he was thinking about her just as much as she thought of him. For someone supposedly over him, she couldn't push him from her thoughts, and it was entirely frustrating and upsetting all at once.

Why couldn't she stop dreaming about him? In every dream he spoke to her, telling her that she still obviously loved him. But she couldn't believe that because she was entirely too upset with him to even begin to love him. He had lied multiple times, and he had hurt her just as many. For someone who supposedly loved her, he did a really good job of hurting her.

Then why couldn't she get him off her mind? It wasn't like he was constantly around. He gave her the space she requested, and even stopped trying to sit next to her in the one class they shared. He didn't go to the same places they had frequented last semester, and he didn't drop by her apartment anymore. She had started to go out with Luke and always let him pick her up at her apartment so she didn't see Ryan, and Luke never mentioned him except at a passing. His face plaguing her mind made absolutely no sense because she didn't see him often enough.

Yet, whenever she let her mind wander, there he was. And what about the physical part of her dreams? She would be lying if she said she hadn't woken up sexually frustrated after spending a night dreaming of Ryan's lips all over her, but he never kissed her in her dreams, and they never actually shed a lot of clothes. Why dream of the sex part at all, then?

She was still wondering this as she walked out of class, and so lost in her thoughts that she didn't see the object of her dreams standing in front of her. "Marissa."

Her eyes shot up to Ryan's face, her whole body reacting at just the sound of her name on his tongue. She remembered her dreams and looked around, blinking quite a few times, wondering if she was dreaming now. When she noticed the lack of confidence and the amount of fidgeting, she figured this was real life. "Ryan," she replied, her voice soft and surprised at the same time.

He stood there just staring at her as if in a daze, looking just as lost as she felt. She hadn't seen him in a week, not really, and here he was right in front of her. Maybe another lifetime ago she would have wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, but now she kept her hands at her sides and ample space between them. "Um… hey…"

"Hey," she replied, raising an eyebrow at him. "What's up?"

He rubbed his hands together awkwardly, seemingly at a loss for words. "I was just, uh…" He rubbed the back of his neck, his trademark nervous habit. "I was wondering how you were doing," he finally said after a long silence, sighing softly, his shoulders drooping. She wondered why he looked so disappointed.

She gestured toward the path in front of them and started walking, letting him know it was okay to follow. He immediately started walking at her side, staring at the ground as he walked, waiting for her answer. She didn't know how to respond. How do you begin to describe to the guy you thought you loved that you couldn't stop thinking about him and didn't know why? "I've been… okay, I guess," she finally replied, also staring at the ground now. "You?"

"I've been all right." He stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Busy with school and entertaining Theresa."

Just Theresa's name awoke something strange inside Marissa. "Theresa," she repeated, trying to keep her tone even. Why did she feel so strange about one name? It was only a name.

"Yeah, she has been sticking around for a while. She and Seth really get along, and Luke likes her to talk about all the weird fighting shows they both watch." Ryan rolled his eyes.

"And you?" Marissa asked, her voice more collected than she felt. This burning in her chest couldn't be normal, and it just grew the more he talked.

"Me and Theresa?" he asked, and just the implication made her eyes burn – whether from anger or sadness, she couldn't tell.

"Yeah." And suddenly she wasn't so cool and collected anymore. Her emotions were completely evident. She didn't like this.

"We're friends. She's been a great friend to me since she came." Ryan seemed genuine, no intention to make her jealous – so why did it make her so freaking angry to hear him talk about her?

"That's really great. Have fun with your new friend." And as quickly as she had allowed him to talk to her, it was over. She wasn't going to stand this. Her chest was burning and her eyes were watering and she wanted to be far away from him.

Except, the world had a really messed up sense of humor. Because not fifty yards in front of her she saw Theresa watching them with a smile, and it pissed Marissa off to no end. The bitch was making fun of her. "Marissa, wait," Ryan said, reaching out to grab her arm and turn her back around. Big mistake.

"It was her, wasn't it?" Marissa asked, refusing to meet Ryan's eyes because he just _would not_ see her so upset over him.

"What are you talking about?" And for his part, he sounded genuinely confused and concerned.

"The girl you got pregnant," Marissa said quietly, so quietly that no normal person would have heard. But this was Ryan, and he knew her, and he could hear her better than anyone else.

But if he could, why couldn't he see how much she was breaking at just the _thought _of him with Theresa? "Yes," he said, and he wasn't proud of it, she could tell – but that didn't matter.

"I have to go." She tried to leave again, but Ryan grabbed her arm once more.

"Marissa, talk to me," he said softly, tilting his head to look at her. She hoped he couldn't see the way she was tearing apart at the seams, the dark circles under her eyes, the tears threatening to fall. If he could, he would get the wrong idea. Because she didn't care. She didn't love him. He had hurt her.

Then why did seeing Theresa make her suddenly understand the concept of murder?

"I talked to you for three years," she said, shaking her head, laughing bitterly. "I talked to you for three years, and I gave you every single part of my life, every piece of information. I let you see my heart, and you threw it back at me to…" She swallowed hard and blinked harder – _she would not cry_. "To _fuck_ her." She backed away, and Ryan let her go, eyes wide at her words. "Now apparently you're a massive liar and she is back. So excuse me if I don't feel like _talking_ to you, Ryan."

With that, she walked away as quickly as possible before she threw up the breakfast she didn't eat in front of him. It didn't make sense to be this angry, this hurt, especially already knowing that Theresa had been there – but putting the dots together made it all too real. She didn't love him, but that didn't matter at the moment. She just needed to get Ryan Atwood and his little slut out of her head.

XXXX

_**March 1, 2003**_

**MAC_12: **Hey.

**RyMAt87: **Hey! We haven't talked in two days. Why weren't you online yesterday?

**MAC_12: **I was. You weren't there when I was online.

**RyMAt87: **I guess dinner did run a little longer than expected. I'm sorry, Riss. I tried to hurry it up, but it wasn't really under my control.

**MAC_12: **So how was dinner with Theresa and her mom?

**RyMAt87: **Even more awkward than dinner with Theresa and my mom. At least here they don't let me get a word in anyway. There, her mom is asking all kinds of questions. And I don't even like Theresa. She is just a neighbor and a horrible lab partner.

**MAC_12: **That's what you say now.

**RyMAt87: **I really don't understand why you think I'm going to have some relationship with Theresa beyond this forced one. I have you. You're all I want and all I need.

**MAC_12: **You say that now, Ryan, but soon enough you're going to realize you want more. It's a matter of time.

**RyMAt87: **What makes you so sure about that? Do you feel that way?

**MAC_12: **No, but I'm a girl, and girls don't have the same needs as guys. We're better at controlling ourselves, and we're much more into our friendships than guys are.

**RyMAt87: **So now you're fitting me into this stereotype or generalization of the entire male population? I thought you'd know me better than that, Riss.

**MAC_12: **I'm just calling it as I see it. Sooner or later you're going to realize that you want more than some little online friendship. You're going to want something more physical, and there's Theresa right next door. How fitting.

**RyMAt87: **Would you just stop already? Me and Theresa are never going to happen. I don't see her that way. I don't see her any way. And as for wanting more than some little online friendship? You're right. I do want more than some little online friendship. And I already have that with you. We are not some little online friendship to me. We never have been. You are my very best friend, my favorite person in this entire world. You are not little to me, you are the biggest part of my life. Please believe me, Riss.

**MAC_12: **I'll try.

XXXX

**A/N On a side note, I'm apparently making this story slightly longer than I planned to. It's still ending fairly soon, but I'll let you know when I have an exact chapter count for you. I also know what I'm writing next – a new story. **

**Individual Replies:**

**Skillz37: **I don't plan on solely returning to any of my older stories any time soon, but perhaps may sporadically update them. It's just been so long that I am fuzzy on all the details and plans for my older ones.

**FlyingForward**: I really hope I didn't disappoint with this chapter. I loved your review – so detailed and wonderful. Thank you.

**Sara: **Yes, hopefully they will :) And I know how midterms are. Believe me. Story of my life haha.

**xoElle23: **Epic? I don't know about that haha. Thank you though!

**TVDaddict22: **And there's nothing I love more than an email telling me I have a new review. Thank you so much!

**Tcsportsmed7: **I am doing okay for now. I hope I didn't disappoint.

**Nadine: **I'm so glad you like my story. I hope I continue to catch your interest!

**RMforever: **Once again, your review gave me such a large smile. Honestly, it's people like you who give me faith in humanity. So many people are so ugly (not physically) and rude, they don't care about anyone else, and they are just really sad to see. But you, you are such an inspiration. Someday the world will repay you for all your kindness.

**Riss H: **And more to come!

**Sailaway: **Well, I finished the book I told you about last year. I have made the first round of edits. Now I have no idea what to do lol.


	23. Hallelujah

**A/N You guys have no idea how exhausted I am or how long this took me to write. I'm sorry if it sucks, because honestly I am just so tired writing this. Yesterday (Friday March 22) was my birthday. I turned 19. I've been working on this for the past day on and off in between everything. That's dedication, guys. Thank you for my reviews, as always. You guys make me smile so much. R/R, enjoy!**

_Well maybe there's a God above,_

_But all I've ever learned from love,_

_Was how to shoot somebody_

_Who outdrew you._

_- Jeff Buckley "Hallelujah"_

Marissa spent the rest of the day trying not to think of Ryan or Theresa. If she let her mind go there, she felt nothing but pain. Instead, she focused on class, and at the end of everything Luke came over and tried to help her get her mind off things.

Luke wasn't like Marissa, though. If he spent time with her at her apartment, he wanted to have sex, not just watch a movie or TV or cuddle. So, after a lot of failed advances, he finally suggested they go out to a club one of his upperclassman friends was going to. Hoping to rid her mind of Ryan once and for all, Marissa agreed.

Marissa wasn't really paying attention to Luke as she went into her room to grab a jacket. She didn't pay attention to him on the walk to the club, just trying to keep her mind free of anything. But she realized as they arrived to the club that she really should have paid attention to Luke, because Ryan and Theresa were waiting for them outside the club.

"What the hell are they doing here?" she hissed when she saw Ryan and Theresa. They were standing there, talking and laughing with each other, which only served to piss her off.

"I don't know what happened between you and Ryan, but you need to get used to each other again. He's my roommate, and you're my girlfriend." Luke placed his hand on the small of Marissa's back, and in the back of her mind she registered that his touch did nothing for her. "So, you and Ryan need to suck it up and learn to be friends again."

Marissa was about to bite back something very bitter and snarky, but they reached Ryan and Theresa before she could. Ryan finally saw them and his smile fell away as he saw Marissa trying to avoid his gaze. "Hey… I didn't know you were going to be here…"

"I didn't know you were going to be here, either," she said quietly, meeting his gaze for only a second. But in her peripheral vision she saw Theresa standing next to Ryan – only inches separating – and she couldn't stand to even glance in his direction anymore.

"Well, now that we're all here, let's go inside!" Luke exclaimed, pushing them all into the club. The music was loud and pulsating, mirroring the horrible headache Marissa was beginning to have.

Marissa tried to separate herself from the group, but Ryan came up behind her, placing his hand on the small of her back and leaning in so she could hear him. Just his touch made her whole body react, and she realized how much her body still craved his touch. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't have come if I had known…"

"It's fine. We're both here, and you have Theresa, so it's not like my presence matters anyway," she said, pulling away from his touch, unwilling to spend her night intoxicated by the guy who had lied to her endlessly.

"Marissa…" he protested, going after her, but she turned around to stop him.

"It's fine, Ryan. Really. Have a good night." With that, she walked away, getting lost in a large crowd so that he couldn't follow her anymore.

XXXXX

Marissa danced with Luke and all his friends – any guy that was willing to offer her a distraction. Not in a provocative way, but just so that she had fun. Luke at this point was drinking heavily, and he encouraged her to have fun because she so rarely did. And while Marissa couldn't say she was happy, she was at least distracted.

That is, until she looked across the room and saw Ryan doing the exact same thing with Theresa.

There was something about seeing the love of your life smiling and dancing with the girl who you had for so long despised that absolutely makes your whole world come to a halt. Ryan was awkwardly dancing with Theresa, his head thrown back as he laughed at something she said, looking absolutely content and fine with the world. Seeing him with her, knowing how close and intimate they had been – Marissa felt like throwing up.

Her smile went away, her laughter ceased. She excused herself from her current dance, no longer feeling like frolicking across the dance floor. Blinking away the tears, she found a dark booth in the corner of the room away from everyone, and set herself down so she wouldn't be seen. She willed herself not to cry, but it was so hard because she had thought she loved Ryan – twice – and he said he loved her, but he lied, and now here was Theresa – and they had almost had a child together – and her thoughts were coming so fast, she didn't make any sense.

She wanted to drink. She wanted to be back in Newport in her bar where she would drink her vodka and stay quiet and know that things would have to get better. But how was this supposed to get better? She thought she had loved Ryan, but everything she thought she knew was now wrong. She thought Ryan had cared back then, but he left. And she thought he cared now, but he lied. And Theresa? How could he even say he loved her if there was a Theresa?

But she wouldn't drink. She wouldn't cry. She wouldn't let herself think or feel for Ryan. She would sit in her booth and stare at the table and she wouldn't think of his laughter with Theresa, or the way his smile so resembled the way he used to look at _her_, or all the times he had held her and she believed him when he told her how much she meant to him. She wouldn't think about it. She just couldn't.

Except, why was there this gigantic lump in her throat and this sinking in her heart that made breathing seem difficult. Every time she closed her eyes she saw Ryan and Theresa, and it made her feel like her heart was breaking. He wasn't supposed to laugh and dance with Theresa. He was supposed to love _Marissa_, and it didn't matter if she was mad or avoiding him – he was supposed to make her _know _he _actually _cared. He was supposed to prove her _wrong_, not _right_.

Marissa sat there for what could have been hours, but was probably only minutes. Time seemed to pass, but at the same time it stood still. She was stuck in hell knowing that just across the room Theresa was having fun with _Marissa's _Ryan. But she couldn't do anything about it. She wouldn't. Because why should she even care, right? She didn't love him.

But when she lifted her eyes and saw Theresa's arms hung loosely around Ryan's neck as they danced, Marissa couldn't stand another moment in this suffocating room. She quickly stood and made her way to the nearest exit, sucking in deep breaths of cold air the moment she got outside. She leaned against the front of the building, closing her eyes tightly to keep out the tears. She would not cry – she didn't love him. She didn't, really.

But God, why did it have to hurt this much?

Ryan, meanwhile, was unable to stop his eyes from scanning the room for Marissa every few minutes. Theresa caught on quickly, poking him in the side. "Hey, remember me? The girl you're _dancing _with?"

"Yes, because, thanks to you, I have to actually attempt to dance. And I hate dancing." Ryan gave her a look.

"Come on, you're making it up to me for not taking me to prom," Theresa argued, a sly grin on her face.

Ryan looked over her shoulder one more time to see that Marissa was no longer sitting in the corner. He immediately searched the room for her, but didn't find her anywhere. "Marissa left," he commented, staring in the direction of the exit, wondering if he could still catch her.

"And let me guess, you want to follow her?" Theresa asked, staring at him with raised eyebrows. He just looked at her and he knew that she understood where his heart was. It would always follow Marissa. "Are you sure that's such a good idea? She obviously doesn't want to talk to you."

"What happened to cornering her until she has to talk to me?" Ryan asked, still staring in the direction of the door.

Theresa sighed and let her arms fall to her side. "If you want to go, then go."

Ryan looked at her, wondering why she sounded so upset, but at this moment he didn't really care. He needed to make sure Marissa was okay. He hurried to the exit, practically running, eyes searching frantically the moment he got outside.

He looked to his left and saw Marissa leaning back against the front of the building, staring off as if deep in thought. His whole body relaxed seeing her, and he let out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding. Slowly walking toward her, he softly said, "Penny for your thoughts?"

She lifted her eyes to meet his, and he saw they were rimmed in red. "You don't want to know what I'm thinking," she said quietly, hugging her arms tighter around herself, shivering.

"Are you cold?" he asked, immediately pulling off his hoodie and wrapping it around her thin shoulders, careful not to overstep any boundaries. She seemed to welcome the extra layer, slipping her arms into the over-large sleeves, but still didn't look at him. He took a step back, never taking his eyes off her. "And I always want to know what you're thinking, Marissa."

Her lips half twisted in a bitter smirk. "If you knew the things I have going on in my mind, you wouldn't say that."

"Try me," he retorted quietly, leaning against the building next to her.

She remained silent for a minute, then seemed to find the courage to speak. "You hurt me."

When she didn't add anything to that, he glanced in her direction, confused. "I know. And I'm sorry."

She shook her head, staring off into the distance. "No, you don't understand. You _hurt _me. Deeper than anyone should ever be hurt by another person."

"As I said, I'm sorry…"

She shook her head again, frustrated. "You know what, just forget it." She pushed herself off the wall, looking as if she would walk away.

But he wouldn't let her. Not yet. "Marissa, just…" When she didn't stop, he grabbed her arm. "_Talk_ to me."

She stopped, dropping her gaze to the ground. "Do you know what it feels like to have your very best friend in the world tell you they can't talk to you anymore?" She stood still, so still that it almost scared him. "To just go away and never come back, like your relationship was that easy to forget?" She turned around now, staring down at their shoes. "You left, Ryan. But you didn't just leave, you stayed away. Even when you came back, even when we met again, you stayed away."

He didn't understand. "I don't know what you mean. I was right here the whole time."

She shook her head. "No, you weren't. You don't know what it feels like to give your whole heart to somebody, just to realize the feeling wasn't mutual." When he opened his mouth to protest, she stopped him. "You never trusted me with your last name. You left me, you made me feel like _I _wasn't good enough for you." She shook her head, her voice growing louder in exasperation. "And when you came back, you never once told me who you were. You never once told me that we had a past, that we used to be best friends, that we had this whole entire wonderful – albeit heartbreaking – history." She finally met his gaze now, and the raw pain struck him to his bone. Her voice grew softer. "I told you so many things. I talked about _you_, Ryan. I told you how much I loved _you_, and you just let me talk. You didn't bother to tell me you were actually there. That all these things I believed about myself were actually false. You just let me suffer and hurt and cry, and you never once thought to tell me that it was you all along, that you were wrong, that you loved me just as much as I loved you." Her voice broke. "You never fought for me."

He stared at her, trying to process what she was saying, but he couldn't quite understand what she meant. "What do you mean I never fought for you? I told you I love you. I told you I wanted you to pick me, and you didn't, Marissa."

She wiped a tear away and shook her head once again, so much that he thought her neck might start hurting. "No, I didn't. But I didn't know who you were. I thought I did, but I didn't." She looked into his eyes, into his blue, confused, sad eyes – and the conviction threw him off. "But you did. You knew who I was. You knew who you were. You knew how I felt about you, and you never told me. You never fought. _You let me go_. And, God – Ryan, I was always yours. I would have been yours. I waited three years for you to come back into my life and tell me that you were wrong, that you regretted it all – but when you did come back, you didn't even have the nerve to tell me _anything_. You had the audacity to _lie_."

She backed away again, and the distance made him feel even more unsettled. It seemed symbolic, somehow. "And now here is Theresa. The whore." At that, he felt kind of defensive.

"She's not a…"

"Oh, right, because you didn't just jump into bed minutes after saying goodbye to me?" Marissa asked, quite rudely. "And she didn't just let you fuck her?"

Put crudely, that's exactly what happened. But it wasn't right to put it in those terms. Theresa wasn't at fault, Ryan was. "I used her. I knew she had feelings for me, and I used her."

Marissa's eyes grew colder by the minute, and the stark contrast from moments ago when she was bearing her heart to him was eerie at best. "And me? What was I to you, Ryan? Convenient? A way to _escape_?" She took a step closer to him again, but it didn't make him feel better, only worse. It wasn't like she was closing the gap between them, more like she was overpowering him. "Once things got tough, you abandoned me and jumped into bed with her. And now the same is happening. Instead of _fighting_ for what you want like a man, you're cowering into this _friendship_ with Theresa because it just hurts too much to actually deal with your emotions and go after what you want." She stepped back again, wrapping her arms around herself. "Tell Luke I went home because I felt sick." And the way her eyes pierced into him, he knew that she did – she was sick of _him_.

As she walked away, he couldn't let her just leave with the last word. Because she wasn't right. He had fought, hadn't he? He had told her he loved her. Wasn't that enough? Shouldn't that just be enough? "Marissa," he called loudly. "How am I supposed to fight if I don't know if there's anything left worth fighting for? How am I supposed to know if there's anything left?"

She stopped, stood still, and he knew she heard him. The wind blew her hair, and as she turned to face him she tucked a strand behind her ear before hugging herself again. "Consider this your answer." With that, she walked away, and he once again watched her go, unable to comprehend what it was she actually wanted.

XXXXX

Marissa arrived to her apartment without shedding another tear. She felt as if this was her greatest accomplishment: she didn't cry again over Ryan Atwood or Mackenzie or whatever he wanted to call himself this week. She had spoken her mind and left in one piece. She didn't remind herself that she hadn't been whole since finding out about this whole ordeal.

She plopped down onto her couch, turning on the television to some random channel so that she wasn't in utter silence. But even as she tried to keep herself from thinking about Ryan and feeling bad for how harshly she had spoken, something just wouldn't let her forget about him. Not tonight. And a whole half hour passed before she realized what it was – she was still wearing his grey hoodie.

When she realized this, she glanced down at the hoodie she had seen on him so many times, and this time she couldn't stop herself from breaking down. Because damn't, why couldn't he realize how much she had needed him all this time, all these years? Why hadn't he been there when she felt alone and scared and completely insignificant? Hadn't he realized the only person who could make her feel truly alive and whole was him?

And why had he lied? It just didn't make sense. She knew logically that he didn't want to upset her. But couldn't he see he could have consoled her? That she would have fallen happily into his arms long ago if he had just come clean? Sure she would have been mad, but at the end of the day she had always loved Ryan Mackenzie. That is, until she thought she fell for Ryan Atwood. Now that they were the same person, she couldn't decide whom she had loved. Did love really need to be this complicated?

At the end of the day, she knew that Ryan loved her. Maybe he had always loved her. Could it be possible he had been telling the truth all this time, that he really fell in love with her so long ago and was just afraid? Could it be that love maybe wasn't only about happiness, but pain and loss and hope all mixed together until you could just find a way to get it right? Was Marissa the one wrong here? Was she expecting too much from Ryan this whole time, their entire relationship? Should she just let things play out and accept that Ryan wasn't perfect, because she sure as hell knew she wasn't?

By the end of the hour, she was no closer to an answer. But one thing was certain – she needed to see Ryan. Now.

XXXXX

After informing Luke of Marissa's 'illness,' Ryan told Theresa he just wanted to go back to the dorm. He wasn't in the mood to dance, and he certainly wasn't in the mood to pretend like things were okay. He didn't feel well, and he just wanted to stay at home and brood until he could decide what he needed to do.

Why was Marissa so complicated? She was so hot and cold with him lately. One moment she absolutely hated his guts and didn't want to be friends anymore, and the next she was crying because he didn't fight for her? He was hoping that maybe she was just hurt and confused and this was her way of figuring out how she felt, but what if she really did hate him and they now had no chance of ever even being friends again? Could they really both live with that?

He was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't even realized he hadn't spoken to Theresa the entire walk back to the dorm. He knew he should feel bad, but he was too busy trying to understand Marissa that he didn't have the time to even really acknowledge Theresa. Something she must have noticed, because as soon as they were through his front door, she said, "So I think I'm going to drive back home tomorrow."

He shut the door, leaning against it as the words sunk in. "You're leaving?"

She nodded, shoving her hands into her pockets. "Yeah. I think it's for the best. I kind of lost my job. Apparently three weeks of vacation is too much, even for the nice bosses." She shrugged, opening the door to his bedroom and walking in, waiting for him to follow. "I have a life in Chino, and I think it's time for me to stop ignoring it."

Ryan nodded because it made sense. "I understand." He ran a hand through his hair, so utterly tired it was impossible to comprehend all these things at once. "I guess I just wish you didn't have to go."

Theresa turned back to him, rolling her eyes and laughing somewhat bitterly. "Ryan, you could care less if I stayed or left. The only girl you give a rat's ass about is Marissa, even if she absolutely made it clear she doesn't want you right now."

Something about her tone and words cut deeply into him, which sucked because he already felt like shit. "What is up with you tonight? This morning you were all for me chasing after Marissa, but now you suddenly hate her?" He shook his head, groaning, frustrated. "I don't understand you women and your mood swings and how you say one thing and mean another. Can't anyone just say what they actually feel?"

Afterwards, he supposed his life would have been much simpler if he never said that. "Okay, you want the truth?" Theresa moved so she was standing right in front of him, staring at him with the most vulnerable expression he had ever seen her wear. "I love you."

Ryan was sure love declarations were supposed to be a sweet thing, but this one just made him feel sick to his stomach. "You…what?"

Theresa wrapped her arms around his neck. "I love you, Ryan. I think I've always loved you. We have a history. Maybe it isn't as pretty as yours with Marissa, but it's a history nonetheless." She tilted her head. "We were going to be a family, remember? Before I lost the baby. And we were going to be together, or at least I thought we were. I hoped we were. Then you left, and I missed you every single day, wondering where you went." She laughed, but her laugh wasn't funny. It was tragic. Sad. Like a broken toy. "I came here because I missed you and I needed to know that you were okay, that's right. But Ryan, I came here because I love you, and I needed to know if there was any chance that you could maybe someday feel something for me too."

When she kissed him, it was rough like sandpaper, and urgent like a race. Her hands felt wrong against his skin, her touch more like an invader than a return home. She kissed him and he thought maybe she was trying to suck all the love or care he had for her out of him, but it wasn't enough. She wasn't enough.

When she pulled away to pull off their shirts, he knew he should stop her. He didn't love her, he didn't like her that way, he just wanted to be friends. He was in love with Marissa, for goodness sakes. It couldn't be clearer where he stood. He should have pulled away, but he didn't because it was easy with Theresa. He didn't love her, and that's what made it simple. No feelings. No love. No heartbreak. At least, not for him.

He should have pulled away, but he didn't.

He should have locked his door, but he never did. Neither did Luke. No one ever knew because everyone just assumed that their dorm was constantly locked. Ryan had nothing to lose, and Luke was too careless to even begin to understand the concept of robbery. In the end, it wasn't a matter of what could be taken out, but who could stumble in.

Marissa was the only one who ever knew their door was unlocked.

She was the only one who ever came by unannounced.

She was the one who, feeling both at a loss and hopeful, walked into the dorm room hoping Ryan was there so they could talk.

She was the one who found Ryan and Theresa both shirtless with his pants unbuttoned, kissing as if they actually both cared for each other.

She was the one who mumbled a few words about a jacket before discarding his hoodie and running away.

And Ryan was the one who watched the horror unfold as if in slow motion, this horror movie of his life, powerless and unable to press rewind.

XXXXX

Marissa thought she had experienced pain before that night, but she soon realized she was greatly mistaken.

Watching someone you care for about to have sex with someone else is like having your heart run over by an eighteen wheeler – all those wheels, hit after hit after hit, until there is nothing left. Nothing at all.

Marissa ran. She didn't know where she was going or what she would do when she got there, but she just knew she needed to get away from that room, from that scene, from that hideous occurrence. She wished she could throw up and be rid of the horror. She did throw up in a large trashcan. But the images just didn't go away.

Ryan ran after her. She was aware of this, but she didn't want to think about it. Why should she, he had made a decision. He had chosen Theresa. Marissa had spilled her heart and thoughts out to him, and now he wanted to have sex with Theresa. It was just like old times, right? Why should she hurt so badly or be surprised?

"Marissa, wait!" Ryan called out, finally catching up to her. He was breathing heavily, but she wouldn't let herself wonder if it was from the running or the exertion due to attempting to suck Theresa' face off.

Marissa ignored him. She wiped her mouth and started walking away, now too weak to run. She hadn't lied to Luke after all. She did feel sick. She had thrown up. But it wasn't anything curable. No medicine could make this damn illness go away.

"Marissa, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean… I wasn't thinking…."

Marissa ignored him still. She continued walking, now cold because she had thrown his jacket on the floor of his room before bolting. She rubbed her hands up and down her arms in an attempt to warm up, but something told her even a scorching, scalding shower wouldn't make this chill go away.

"Marissa, just stop walking away, damn't!" Ryan finally yelled.

Marissa stopped in her tracks, her anger swelling and bursting in seconds. She whirled around and glared at him, jabbing him with her finger hard in the chest. "You do _not _tell me what to do, you understand?" she hissed through her teeth.

He gulped as he stared at her, and she knew he was scared. Of what, she didn't know. "Marissa, I'm sorry. I never meant for that to happen."

"Which part? The sex, or me walking in on it?"

He rubbed his neck nervously. "Well, both."

She shrugged and turned around. "Well, it happened. Get over it."

Something in Ryan must have snapped as well, because he was yelling angrily now. "What the hell does it even matter, anyway? You made it perfectly clear what you want. I told you I loved you, and you chose Luke. Luke, Marissa. I told you I was sorry, and you walked away. Multiple times. _You're_ the one with a boyfriend. _You're _the one who said you didn't want a relationship. _You're _the one who said you don't care. So why the hell do you care what I do?"

Marissa whirled around and jabbed Ryan in the chest again. "Because I freaking love you, you annoying, insolent, stubborn, stupid dumbass!"

Both Ryan and Marissa froze at her words, both equally as shocked to hear her confession as the other. Marissa had never said those words to him in the present, only referring to the past. "You… you love me?"

Marissa sunk down onto a bench, grateful that someone years ago had strategically placed one on this particular spot on campus. And suddenly she realized the truth – as much as she didn't want to admit it, she was in love with Ryan. She always had been, and damn't, she probably always would be. Softly, she whispered, "Well, yeah. Isn't it obvious?"

And suddenly to both of them, it was. All the times she had turned to him instead of Luke. The way she kissed him over break. The absolute pain in her eyes when she said she couldn't hurt Luke. The overwhelming betrayal and heartbreak when she realized he wasn't who she thought. She loved him. She really, truly, no doubt about it loved him.

But Ryan wasn't as sure. Still being careful, he slowly lowered himself down onto the bench next to her. "Ryan Atwood… or Ryan Mackenzie?"

She found it incredibly surreal that she even had to clarify in the first place, but she whispered, "Both?"

"Wow," he murmured, utterly surprised to hear that. Of all the things she could have shouted at him, that was definitely the least expected.

"Yeah," Marissa replied, equally shocked.

With that outburst, Marissa lost all her spunk. She also lost all her anger. Because as angry as she was that Ryan was with Theresa, she was equally as angry with herself for not realizing any of this sooner. The denial was what really made her so emotional. Until she had been willing to admit that she was deeply in love with Ryan despite all the wrong he had done, she couldn't even begin to forgive him. "I really am sorry," Ryan said quietly, reaching for her hand.

She let him hold it, and that spoke volumes. "You hurt me," she said, repeating what she had spoken earlier that night outside the club – a time that felt like another lifetime ago.

Now he understood. "I think I'm slowly starting to realize the extent," he said, and for once, she accepted that. For now, that was enough. Maybe if they had always been honest with each other, there wouldn't be this much heartbreak. If she had admitted she loved him all those years ago, if he had admitted how much he cared about her. If he had come clean about his identity, if she had come clean about how deeply she felt for him even while feeling betrayed. If they had just been honest, they could have been friends again – maybe even something more.

"I guess I should break up with Luke," Marissa realized after a long silence where they both had just been thinking. Ryan gave her a confused look, so she explained, "Over break I thought that breaking up with Luke would be unfair to him because he hasn't done anything. But now I realize it's unfair for him to be with someone who will never love him."

"I'm glad you realize that," Ryan said honestly.

Marissa merely nodded, and they fell into a contemplative silence again. Finally Marissa broke it again. "I'm sorry, Ryan." He once again gave her a confused look. "I know that you did wrong, but I did wrong too. I can't go pretending like you were the only one at fault here. I hurt you when I chose Luke, and I'm truly sorry about that." She sighed, blowing a strand of hair from her face. "Lord knows I understand how much it sucks to see the person you love with someone else now."

Ryan nodded and squeezed her hand, lacing their fingers together. It wasn't even in a romantic way – they just felt connected for the first time in a long time. Two souls connected. "About that… Marissa, I'm sorry. It was a mistake. Theresa's leaving tomorrow, and she said she loved me. I was tired and I didn't stop her. It's no excuse, but I'm sorry, really."

Marissa shrugged. "Like you said, we're not together. It shouldn't matter."

He squeezed her hand again to get her attention. He finally had the real Marissa again, and he didn't want to lose her. "But we both know it does." Now he turned so he was facing her more, willing her to look into his eyes. And for once, she did. "Listen to me, okay? Theresa and I were nothing more than physical." Marissa winced at that, but he reached for her other hand, willing her to listen to him. "I know that's not good, but what me and you shared? What I believe we still share? This connection? My relationship with Theresa will always pale in comparison to my relationship with you. It was never any competition. And I didn't leave you for her. It was never like that. I wanted an escape, and she was there. But you? You were always my reality. My happiness." He looked at her long and hard. "You were always more to me than anything else. And I hope that someday you'll know that. That you'll know how much you have always meant to me."

Marissa remained silent for a while, but finally she nodded. "I think I'm beginning to understand," she admitted, and it was like music to his ears.

"So what now?" he asked quietly, afraid of the answer.

Marissa stood, pulling him up with her. "Now, we hug and part. It's late and I'm absolutely freezing." Marissa smiled weakly, and the sight made Ryan's heart feel fuller.

Ryan opened his arms and Marissa immediately sank into him, resting her head on his shoulder. As cliché and corny as it was, the minute she was in his embrace, she felt positively warm.

"And us?" Ryan asked after a minute, breaking the easy silence and comfortable embrace.

Marissa finally pulled back, opening her eyes once again, prepared to face reality. "We try to slowly rebuild trust." She shrugged, putting her hands in her pockets. "And maybe, if the timing is right and all the feelings are there, we might be able to go from there."

It wasn't a promise, but it was the possible foundations of something. Ryan would take that over their previous two months of pain any day. "I love you, Marissa," he murmured, looking at her seriously, wanting her to know.

Marissa angled her head at him, and he thought her eyes almost had a spark in them again. She reached up and pecked his cheek, lingering near his face longer than she needed to. "I know," she murmured before smiling softly – a real, genuine smile – and walking away.

Neither of them saw a stumbling Luke coming from the club, having been left to dance and drink with his Greek friends. He was really drunk, and walking was proving difficult. But when he looked up and saw his roommate and girlfriend standing together, hugging in a way that no _friends _did, looking at each other _that way_ – he instantly sobered up.

XXXXX

**As I said, I'm exhausted. That's why there are no chats. And why my individual responses might not necessarily make sense.**

**Individual Replies:**

**TVDAddict22: **To be quite honest, I don't remember my original motivation for putting Theresa in. I just came up with the idea years ago lol.

**Guest:** thank you :)

**RissH:** I could tell you the whole plot from beginning to end :) I have it perfectly planned out in my head. Something I've been thinking of for years and years and years. It's gonna be this epic story spanning a number of years about Ryan and Marissa as best friends who grew up together. Ryan is terrified of commitment and Marissa is the only one who can get through to him. It'll be great :)

**xoElle23 **Thank you thank you :):

**Sara:** And thank you as well!

**Maxine:** Aw, you're too sweet.

**RMforever:** Well know that you've impacted someone :)

**Tcsportsmed7:** Am I wrong for feeing surprised in that last few months to hear you talk about law school? Idk why I always thought you were in med school…

**Sailaway:** I would love for it to be published, but it's a lot of work haha.


	24. Sticks and Stones

**A/N Hey guys. Thanks for the belated birthday wishes! I really appreciate you all taking the time to read and review. You'll never quite understand what it means to me to know that people read and enjoy my writing. Fan fiction probably can't change lives, but you guys have changed mine. So thank you. R/R, and enjoy!**

**One more thing. I know my uncle never even knew that I wrote, and he probably would've laughed at me if he knew how obsessed with fanfiction I am... but I'm dedicating this chapter to him. _It's been two years since you were diagnosed with Cancer, uncle Leonard, and almost two years since we lost you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. We love you, our beloved lion._**

Marissa was not looking forward to Monday. Of course she had her classes and needed to wake up early once again, but that wasn't even the worst part. No, the part that Marissa Cooper dreaded most about Monday was the fact she was finally going to break up with Luke. Knowing that she would be breaking his heart made her just not want to get out of bed.

She last saw and heard from Ryan Friday night after she walked in on him and Theresa. She still cringed whenever she thought of the two together, but she was trying not to dwell on it. For the first time she felt in control of her own life. She didn't need to talk to Ryan to make herself get out of bed in the morning, and she didn't need to lean on Brett as a crutch for her insecurities. She couldn't blame everything on everyone else anymore. All her life she had relied on someone to convince her that it was the rest of the world causing her problems – her mom's personality, her dad's disappearance, Ryan's abandonment, Ryan's lies. But for the first time she was able to accept that she wasn't always innocent either.

So, today she would break up with Luke. She would finally be honest with herself and her life and take the first step toward the rest of her life. She couldn't continue living in a constant state of denial anymore; and what was better – she _wouldn't_.

She went to her two morning classes and already felt tired. By lunchtime she felt like postponing the breakup yet another day, but she knew she couldn't. With only one class left before the heartbreak, she felt anxious at best. Thinking of the look on Luke's face when she ended it made her feel sick, but she knew she needed to stay strong.

Her 2 o'clock class let out early, so she headed over to Ryan and Luke's dorm. Her heart beat hard against her chest and her hands felt sweaty, but she knew she had to do it. She didn't love Luke, and it wasn't fair to let him think she did. He needed to find someone who would love him as much as she loved Ryan. Even if she didn't even know where she and Ryan stood, she just needed Luke to be happy. Let one of them be.

She reached their door and took a deep breath before twisting the doorknob. As always, the door was unlocked. She took a step in, calling out, "Luke? You here?" She knew his class schedule fairly well, and to her recollection he didn't have class at all Monday afternoons.

Luke stepped out of the bedroom in only a pair of light blue boxers. He softly shut the door behind him and crossed his arms across his chest, lifting his eyes to hers. "What's up?"

Marissa stepped in more and closed the door behind her, wrapping her arms around herself. She would not chicken out. She had to do this. "Hey. I was hoping we could… talk…"

Luke sat on the ottoman and gestured for Marissa to sit on the couch before resuming his previously reserved position. "Okay. Talk."

Marissa bit her lip, wondering why he sounded so reserved already. Did he already see this coming? Was it that obvious? "Well, I guess I've realized some things about myself lately. Some things that I was trying to hide but finally just had to face."

He nodded, looking down at his feet. "That you're in love with Ryan?" Marissa opened her mouth to speak, but immediately shut it again. How did he know? He must have noticed her confusion because he shrugged. "I saw you two the other night."

She was confused once again. Nothing had happened the other night between her and Ryan though. If anything, that was the most innocent they had been in a long time. They had merely talked, hugged, and parted with a hopeful promise of maybe becoming friends again. "What exactly did you see?"

He sighed, running a hand through his messy blonde hair. "You two looked very intimate with each other." Marissa could hear the bitterness, and it made her wince a little bit.

"Luke, I don't know what you thought you saw, but…"

Luke now stood, walking to the kitchen. "I know what I saw, Marissa. Friends don't hug like that. You and Ryan obviously have some sort of thing for each other. It's pretty obvious to everyone." He opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. "Water?"

"No, I'm good…" Marissa said, still confused. This conversation wasn't going as planned. She ran a hand through her hair, trying to regain control of the conversation.

Luke now returned, leaning against the wall by his bedroom. "I know that you and Ryan love each other."

Marissa opened her mouth to speak, but was at a loss for words. What exactly do you say to something like that? _Yes I am? I've known him since I was a kid and he's a huge part of my life, but that isn't what this is about? _Finally, she decided to tell him part of the truth. "This has nothing to do with Ryan."

He laughed bitterly. "You don't have to lie anymore, Marissa. Really. Maybe you should just be honest for once and admit it."

Marissa tilted her head, so confused. Luke never acted this bitterly with her. While she could understand why he'd be upset, he just seemed to be acting really unlike himself. Then again, they never went deep with each other. Maybe this is why. "Luke, I am telling you the truth. It's not Ryan. I just think…"

She never finished her sentence. Luke's bedroom door opened and a short blonde haired green-eyed girl came out wearing one of Luke's t-shirts. "You're sure taking a long…" She caught sight of Marissa and paused. "Oh."

Luke smiled at her and said, "Just give me a little bit of time, Veronica."

Veronica merely nodded, beginning to slink back into the room, but Marissa shook her head, standing now. "No, you can go, Veronica." She turned to glare at Luke, her eyes daggers. "Luke and I have a lot to talk about."

Luke rolled his eyes but shrugged, gesturing for Veronica to go. She went back into the room and closed the door to change, and Luke stared at Marissa. "What?"

"Really? You're off fucking some slut and you want to know why I'm upset?" Marissa couldn't even begin to describe how absolutely infuriated she was.

Luke rolled his eyes. "Oh please. Like you're so innocent." He gestured toward the closed door. "I only hooked up with Veronica after I saw you and Ryan all cuddly and annoying the other day."

Marissa narrowed her eyes. "What is it with guys hooking up with sluts cause they're hurt? Are all men really this stupid?"

Luke gave her a look. "You're calling me stupid? What about you? You're not innocent. You can't tell me you haven't been fucking Ryan this whole time behind my back."

She covered her eyes in frustration, groaning. "I've never slept with him! You're the only one I've ever been with, Luke." She stared him straight in the eye. "I gave you my virginity. _You_. And you're the only one who has been with me that way."

Veronica opened the door now, stepping out with a beet red face. "Um, I'm just going to go…"

Marissa barely paid attention to her; she didn't need to talk to the slut, only to Luke. Luke, however, didn't let her go that easily. "Veronica." The girl turned to see him grin at her. "Call me."

Marissa rubbed her face, shaking her head. "Unbelievable." When the front door closed she turned to look. "What the hell happened to you? You were such a good guy. I sincerely didn't want to have to come here and break up with you. I wanted to make things work. It's why I pushed all my feelings for Ryan aside."

Luke rolled his eyes. "How noble of you."

Marissa couldn't believe what an absolute jerk he was being. "Did you just never care?" At Luke's faltering gaze, she shook her head. "Because I sure as hell don't know how someone who claims to love me could just go and cheat on me just because he thought he saw something. I obviously meant nothing to you."

With that, Marissa grabbed her bag and started for the door. Luke came up to her, grabbing her arm. "Marissa, wait…"

"No, Luke." She turned around to push him away from her, yanking her arm away. "I felt horrible for falling in love with Ryan. I felt like I betrayed you, someone who was never anything but nice to me." Now she saw actual emotion in his eyes, and it almost looked like regret. "I stayed with you even when I could have run to him because I didn't want to hurt you. You had done nothing wrong." Luke's eyes now looked pained, but Marissa merely let out a bitter laugh. "Guess I should have broken up with you months ago."

She again turned to leave. Just before she reached the front door, Ryan opened it. He slightly smiled when he saw her, his eyes sparkling, but he quickly frowned once he observed her. "Marissa, what's wrong?" He glanced over her shoulder to see Luke staring after her wearing only his boxers, looking absolutely guilty. He turned his gaze back to Marissa. "Why are you crying?"

Marissa didn't feel like being in the same room anymore. "Why don't you ask your roommate?" she said quietly before leaving, not looking back.

Ryan was confused, but immediately knew it had something to do with Luke. He walked over to Luke, shoving him. "What did you do to her?" he asked forcefully.

Luke immediately got defensive, standing tall in front of Ryan, holding his stance. "I don't see how it's any of your damn business, man."

Ryan raised his eyebrows. "Oh really?" He shoved Luke again, his anger and frustration from the past few months getting the best of him. "Marissa crying? That's my business. So talk."

Luke again stood up to Ryan, staring him down since he was taller than Ryan. "You know, I'm really sick of you acting like she is your girlfriend. She doesn't belong to you. She was never yours. You can be as in love with her as you want, but she was _my _girlfriend. She lost her virginity to _me_." He leaned in. "She was _mine_."

Ryan shoved Luke harder, so close to just punching the guy. "She may have been your girlfriend, but she never once belonged to you." Ryan now smirked. "And something tells me she isn't your girlfriend anymore."

This set Luke off, and he immediately shoved Ryan back now – hard. "Shut the hell up."

Ryan shoved Luke against the wall now, all his fights from Chino coming back to him. "What the hell did you do to her?"

Luke struggled against Ryan, but he just pushed Luke harder against the wall. "Let me go," Luke said, a low growl.

Ryan pinned him harder against the wall. "Tell me what you did to her," he said calmly in a low, dangerous voice.

Finally, Luke blurted out, "I slept with another girl."

Something in Ryan went off, because the next thing he knew Luke was pinned on the ground getting punched over an over again. "You selfish, undeserving son of a bitch!"

Luke tried to struggle against Ryan, but despite his height, Ryan was one hell of a fighter. "Leave me alone!"

Ryan hit Luke harder. "She stayed with you. Despite all the things she didn't feel for you, she still stayed with you and you betrayed her!"

Luke fought against Ryan some more, but Ryan was angry. "Like you're so innocent. You've been in love with her since the beginning. Don't think I didn't notice."

Ryan pulled away, breathing hard from hitting Luke so many times. He wiped his mouth and took a step back. "You're right: I've been in love with her since the beginning. Since the first moment I ever saw her I was in love." He shook his head at Luke, eyes dark and hard. "But unlike you, I also respected her, and understood that love isn't selfish." He looked at Luke as if he were pathetic. "You don't deserve her. You never did."

Luke sat up, leaning on his elbow as he stared at Ryan, his face red from the blows, nose and lip bleeding. "Oh, and you do?"

Ryan shrugged. "I don't know. Probably not. But unlike you, I would never hurt her that way. No matter what I may do, or all the things I lack, at least I'm a better man than you." With that, Ryan turned around, needing to find Marissa.

XXXXX

_**June 5, 1999**_

**MAC_12: **So, news from my mom. Apparently my dad has been seeing his secretary for the past year.

**RyMAt87: **Oh no, really?

**MAC_12: **Yep. My dad the manwhore. Mom says that's why they were fighting so much. My mom suspected as much, but my dad always denied it. But then my mom found a picture of the two of them in my dad's wallet and it kind of blew up in his face.

**RyMAt87: **Are you okay? What are you thinking about all this?

**MAC_12: **Honestly? I don't know. I can't imagine my dad as one to have an affair. He always seemed like the older one somehow, and I always connected with him more. I feel a little betrayed.

**RyMAt87: **Yeah, I think that's normal. It's normal to feel like he kind of threw your family away for some random girl.

**MAC_12: **It just makes me wonder if maybe we weren't enough for him. Maybe he didn't like our home. Maybe he didn't like me.

**RyMAt87: **Hey, that's not true. Don't blame yourself. Your dad did something selfish, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

**MAC_12: ** How can I know, though? He just left. He decided that our family wasn't where he wanted to be. He took these 'business trips' sometimes. What if he wasn't doing business, but with her? That means he left to be with her instead of spending time with us. With me.

**RyMAt87: **I'm sorry, Riss. I know it's tough, and I don't have the answers. I don't understand what was going through his head. You are great. I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to be with you all the time.

**MAC_12: **You're too sweet.

**RyMAt87: **It's true, promise.

**MAC_12: **Fine, fine. I'll trust you. But only cause you're a good friend, and the only one I really talk to about this kind of stuff.

**RyMAt87: **Good. As I said, I'm always here for you, okay? When you need to talk, come to me. Deal?

**MAC_12: **Deal.

XXXXX

Ryan found Marissa on the same bench where she told him she loved him. She was shivering in the cold, staring off in the distance. He followed her gaze but saw nothing of importance, so he sat down next to her. "Hope this seat isn't taken."

She wiped her eyes and softly said, "Nope, just me." She let out a small cry. "Always just me." She reached out and lifted his hand, observing his knuckles. "Why did you punch him?"

Ryan looked at her confusedly. "What?"

"Why did you hit him?" She looked at let go of his hand, resting her hands in her lap. "After everything, you still fought for me. Why?"

"Someone has to," he said quietly, looking down at his cut up knuckles. "And besides, I love you. Of course I fought for you. I'll always defend you and fight for you."

She sighed, wiping her eyes again. "Yet here I am, all alone."

Ryan frowned, turning to her. "You're not alone, Marissa. Just because Luke is an absolute dumbass doesn't mean you're alone."

She gave him an incredulous look. "Right. Let's see, my boyfriend is a cheater, my sister is pregnant, my mom is my mom, my dad is gone, and Brett is busy trying to get back to his old self before he becomes a father."

Ryan bumped shoulders with her. "Ex-boyfriend," he said, which made her smile. "Unless you're really forgiving, in which case I may have to try to persuade you to reconsider."

She shook her head, letting out one small laugh. "No, definitely over. No persuasion necessary."

He reached out and rested his hand on her knee. "Marissa, you're not alone. Your sister loves you. She's told me as much. Your mom loves you too, she just doesn't know the right way to show it. Your dad loves you wherever he is. I believe that completely. And Brett definitely loves you. Despite everything, if you called him he would be here by nightfall." Marissa smiled softly, looking down before staring out again. "And if nothing else, you have me." His voice dropped, becoming softer. "I'm not much, but I love you, and I will always be here for you."

Marissa turned to look at him, her eyes completely searching his for the first time all year. He had missed this. He had missed her so much that it physically hurt him, and if she were honest – she missed him too. She missed him so much that she dreamt about him every single night and ached for him every morning. She loved Ryan; more than anything, he was her best friend. "Thank you," she murmured softly.

"I miss you," he said tentatively, not knowing how much she was willing to talk to him. "I miss you every day."

She nodded, resting her head on his shoulder, cuddling into him. He wrapped his arm around her, at once feeing home. "I miss you too," she said, resting her hand on his knee now. "Every single day."

"Even after what I did?" he asked quietly.

"Even after what you did," she answered just as quietly.

They remained silent for a while, both just staring out into the distance, watching various people walk to and from class. "I'm sorry about Luke," Ryan said genuinely.

"I know," she said, closing her eyes and just letting herself rest in his embrace. Something about Ryan always made her feel safe.

"I'm sorry about everything," he said softly, tightening their embrace.

"I know," she said softly, smiling to herself. She squeezed his knee. "I am too."

They remained silent for a while again, both lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Ryan, vulnerable, asked, "Can we be friends again?"

Marissa pulled back to look at him. "No," she said simply, and that one word crushed his entire world.

"Oh," he said, resting his hands in his lap. He was so confused. They had seemed to make so much progress from a week ago. Hell, they had made so much progress since Friday night. It just didn't make sense to him. What else could he do? Could they just never be friends again? Was that his destiny – to just be broken forever?

Marissa tore him from his thoughts by placing her hand on the side of his face, turning him so he had to look at her. She was smiling, which confused him more than anything else. "We can't be friends again… because you're my best friend, Ry. You're more than a simple friend to me. I don't want to be friends, I want to be best friends."

Ryan's face broke into a smile. "Really?"

Marissa nodded. "Definitely." Her eyes were still sad, but he could also tell she felt much better than before. Maybe this was what they needed right now. Luke was gone, they were friends again, and now things would be better. They could be better.

"Wanna hang out some time?" he asked, giving her his soft, sweet smile that she happened to adore.

"I have time right about now. I think I could squeeze you in," she said playfully.

He laughed, standing and extending his hand out to her. "Come on. Let's go get some food. I'm sure you're starving."

She took his hand, lacing their fingers together, not letting go even as they walked. "Yes, you're right, I am starving."

They walked off, both older and wiser than a month ago when everything went to hell. And even though Marissa felt stupid and pathetic for trusting Luke and feeling bad for him for so long, she also felt freer for the first time all semester. This could be the beginning of something great. Something real. A genuine friendship with Ryan, one without lies or betrayal. Something greater than either had experienced before.

And Ryan, for his part, was thinking that maybe, just maybe, this could be the beginning of the rest of their lives. Together.

XXXXX

_**November 1, 2002**_

**MAC_12: **Wanna hear something interesting?

**RyMAt87: **Sure, what?

**MAC_12: **So a while ago when we were covering astronomy in science, we talked about black holes. My teacher was really interested in them, so he knew a lot about them. Anyway, so he said basically if you were to go into a black hole and someone would watch you from far away, it would look like you slowed down and never actually went through the black hole.

**RyMAt87: **Oh really? How come?

**MAC_12: **I don't know, some complicated reasons. But anyway, even after you've gone through the black hole and already died, the last light you emitted is still shining as if you're always orbiting this black hole. So it's like your last moment alive will forever orbit in space for all to see.

**RyMAt87**: Wow. That's really insane. I never knew that. That's really interesting.

**MAC_12: **I know, right? If you were to go into the black hole, what's the last thing you want people to see?

**RyMAt87: ** Um, I don't know. I guess I wouldn't want to be looking at the black hole. I'd want to be looking back at the space ship.

**MAC_12: ** How come?

**RyMAt87: **Let's assume you're on that space ship. I guess I would want to know that for eternity I would always be looking back at you so that you always know I'll be there for you.

**MAC_12: **That's the sweetest thing ever. But there's one problem, Ry.

**RyMAt87: **And what exactly is that?

**MAC_12: **If you're going into a black hole, I'm going with you. No ifs ands or buts.

**RyMAt87: **Okay, then I'd want to go in holding your hand and looking at you. That way, everyone who came to the black hole would see us together for eternity, and even beyond our own lives the light of our friendship would always glow.

**MAC_12: **You're too good for me, you know that?

**RyMAt87: **Impossible.

XXXXX

**So, there will be four or five chapters left of this story including the epilogue. We're almost at the end, folks.**

**Individual Replies:**

**Riss H: **Ryan's definitely going to be a player, but why? Is he searching for something that just seems to be missing? And will he ever realize what he's looking for was right there all along? Guess you'll have to wait and see :)

**FlyingForward: **Oh, if it were me finding the guy I love with another girl, I'd flip shit lol. Idk why I wrote Marissa so much calmer. Once I start writing, my fingers just move and it's like I have no control of what comes out.

**xoElle23: **Exactimundo my friend. Exactly :)

**Sara: **Bad, bad Luke.

**Oclover11**: Luke does seem to be rather clueless lol.

**Sailaway: **Omg, I know. I think about how fast the time has gone all the time haha. If I'm this old, you must be ancient now right? ;)

**Marissa Davis: **I always asserted the fact that if Ryan had to end up with someone on the show after Marissa died (IF she died. I still live in a blissful state of absolute denial ;) ) then I wanted him to end up with Theresa. Why? Because she understood how much it would always be Marissa. Marissa was just the girl for Ryan. It all came about in a dream where I decided this, so I can't quite remember all my logic lol.

**Jen: **Thank you thank you.

**RMforever: **Holy crap are you okay? That sounds insane, I'm sorry! And yeah, I have a thing with the best friends too. Obviously lol.


	25. To Be Loved By You

**A/N So, I have so much homework to do. I have three papers to write this weekend. But I had to write an update for you guys because you are all so awesome for reviewing. Really. I love you guys. You're the best in the word. I'm so blessed to have you all read and review my story. As always, R/R, and enjoy!**

Ryan and Marissa managed to slowly become best friends again. Some moments were harder than others, and trust had to be rebuilt, but they were both willing and able to work their hardest to get each other back again. For once, they both acknowledged to themselves that the other was the best thing to happen in their lives.

It started slowly. They had dinner together like they used to, keeping the air light and innocent. They carefully approached their old internet relationship. Ryan admitted he regretted having to leave, but honestly thought it was the best thing for her through it all. Marissa admitted she had written him email after email and saved them all in her drafts, too afraid to send them. Ryan listened to her recount all the things she used to wish she had said, reaching for her hand and apologizing and explaining he honestly thought it was for the best. And at the end of their dinner, it was like they could finally move on.

They started having dinner every night. She found him in astronomy and sat next to him, sometimes resting her head on his shoulder and just listening when she didn't feel like taking notes. One time while they were walking to get coffee afterwards she reached for his hand and laced their fingers together. Little things like that gave Ryan hope that they would beat this whole thing; they would be together soon, he just knew it.

Sometimes he found her staring at him with a serious look on her face. "What? Do I have something on my face?"

She tore her eyes from him, shaking her head, tucking a strand behind her ear. She merely smiled. "Nothing."

He never found out what she saw when she stared at him like that. With their friendship just beginning to blossom again and hopes for a relationship, he hoped that whatever it was – she liked it.

XXXXX

_**October 25, 1999**_

**MAC_12: **Okay, I know what I want us to do today.

**RyMAt87: **What would that be?

**MAC_12: **We should write a fairytale together!

**RyMAt87: **Um… a fairytale?

**MAC_12: **Yes, a fairytale!

**RyMAt87: **You realize I'm a guy, right?

**MAC_12: **Please :)

**RyMAt87: **Fine, fine. You start.

**MAC_12: **Okay! Once upon a time, there was a young boy who worked in the stables. He was very handsome and very strong, but no one knew because he was so dirty and no one paid attention to him since he was only a stable boy.

**RyMAt87: **Um, and there was a princess. A beautiful princess, smarter than anyone else in the land, but no one knew because she was just a princess and they only paid attention to how pretty she was.

**MAC_12: **One day the stable boy was watering down the horses. He looked up and saw the princess. He was so surprised because the princess was never supposed to be in the stables because someone else always grabbed her horse for her.

**RyMAt87: **He had seen the princess before, but only at a distance. She was even more beautiful up close. She wore a long pink dress, her hair down and flowing so that he thought she very well could be as pretty as Aphrodite, who his dad said was the prettiest goddess of them all.

**MAC_12: **While the stable boy looked at her, she observed him. He was dirty, his face smudged by sweat and dirt from all the work he had to do. His clothes were torn, his tunic frayed and filled with holes, and his big toe poked out through his simple moccasins. But despite all this, his eyes were clear and brighter than the sky. She had never seen eyes that beautiful.

**RyMAt87: **The stable boy, too, got over the princesses' looks. He studied her face, and realized she looked so sad. Her sadness was in her eyes, and even now in her frown. She wasn't happy. She had everything she could ever want, but still she wasn't happy.

**MAC_12: **The princess, staring him in his beautiful eyes, quietly asked, "Who are you?" She knew he was the stable boy – that much was obvious – but she wanted to know his name. She wanted to know his story.

**RyMAt87: **The stable boy had never met someone so important or beautiful before, so he said the first thing that came to his mind. "Whoever you want me to be."

**MAC_12: **The princess smiled at how silly he was. And his beautiful eyes somehow became more beautiful as he returned her smile. "Okay."

XXXXX

Marissa Cooper was terrified. The more time she spent with Ryan, the more she realized she how incredibly in love she was with him. It seemed easy – she loved him, she was attracted to him, why not just _be _with him? But as much as her heart longed to be in Ryan's arms all the time, her head adamantly protested that it was just too soon. She wasn't ready.

But the more time she spent with Ryan, the more afraid she became. She would look at him and see his hair fall into his eyes and her heart would swell. She would feel his hand wrapped around hers and her heart would beat so much harder at how _right _it felt. Sometimes he would glance up at her while they did homework and the softness in his gaze tore straight through all her walls. It scared her; no one should be capable of loving someone else this much. It meant she had so much to lose.

She had already lost her heart once. Twice, actually – to the same guy. And twice he had broken her to little pieces, even if he didn't mean to. Now, she was willing to try to be friends with him again, but the thought of something more terrified her beyond all reason because he could literally break her to the point of no return. If she gave him every single part of herself, what more could she do to make sure she didn't get hurt?

One day they were walking across campus as the sun set. Ryan wanted to show her something, and his excitement made her willing to go anywhere with him. And she knew if he asked, she would go to the moon with him – but she didn't want to be that transparent. She didn't want to be that reliant on one person. Not anymore. Not when it could very seriously destroy every part of herself she worked so hard at rebuilding.

They arrived right outside the architecture building. Marissa raised her eyebrows. "You're taking me to see the architecture building? I've seen that before, Ry." She grinned playfully at him. "You gave me a tour last semester, remember?" And he had, when they first started becoming friends. She had asked him where he felt most comfortable, and he had shown her the classrooms and lecture halls and the place he hoped to design his own building one day in one of the studios.

He shook his head but smiled softly. "No, not exactly. Come on." He took her hand and together they walked inside the building, up a stairwell she hadn't seen before. They went up so many steps that her legs had started burning, but finally they reached a lone door at the very top.

"What is this, a secret attic or something?" She asked now, afraid of the inevitable dark and musky place he would take her into.

He shook his head again, smiling that smile she loved. "No. Trust me?" And he looked at her so seriously that she knew this was a test, but for what she couldn't decide. For their friendship? For a relationship? She couldn't offer him the latter. She just couldn't.

But she found herself nodding, biting her lip as the realization hit her. Yes, she trusted him. She trusted that he would protect her from any sort of outside danger. She just didn't know if he could protect her heart. He opened the door, and instead of darkness, she saw the sun shining brightly – something she always found spectacular, how the sun shone brighter right before it went away. "Wow," she said when they stepped through the door, realizing they were on the roof. She stared out and saw most of the campus, and right over the horizon she could see the sun setting – all pink, orange and beautiful.

"I know. It's beautiful, isn't it?" he asked, lacing their fingers together.

They both stared out at the sky, soaking in the beauty. She was glad she had him in her life, even if he scared her. Even if the thought of letting him all the way in again completely terrified her. Moments like this told her she was right to forgive him. After all, she wasn't perfect either. But this view – this moment – it _was_. "It may even beat a sunset on the beach," she said softly, turning to look at him.

The sunlight made his face glow, and she will admit – she lost her breath. He turned to look at her, his eyes shining all on their own. "I discovered it while we weren't talking." He looked down, seemingly ashamed. "I knew if you ever forgave me, I had to show you." He reached out for her hand again, and she slid her fingers between his. He smiled, squeezed her hand, and then said, "Come on, I made us a picnic." He pulled her to the corner where a blanket and a basket were laid out. They sat and he pulled out the food – sandwiches, grapes, chips, and water. He looked at her, his eyes betraying his fears of inadequacy, his insecurities. He was afraid she wouldn't approve, she realized; the thought seemed absurd. "Is this enough?"

She looked at him through her lashes, the sun reflecting softly in her eyes. "It's perfect."

XXXXX

_**October 25 **__(continued)_

**RyMAt87: **He realized what she had said, and laughed, rubbing his arms. "Sorry, I'm Aaron." He reached out his hand for her to shake, but then quickly put it back at his side. Princesses didn't shake hands with stable boys.

**MAC_12: **She smiled when she saw him drop his hand. Reaching out, she took his hand in both of hers, smiling sweetly at him. Her whole body felt on fire as she looked at him, his eyes telling her that he felt it too. "I'm Cara."

**RyMAt87: **All his sisters used to tell him that they would know who they would marry because they would feel a spark. He felt a spark with the princess, but he knew he could never act on it. She was the princess. She was so much better than him. "Princess Cara," he reminded her, pulling his hand away.

**MAC_12: **When he pulled his hand away, she felt like her whole world grew much colder. Was this love? Was love this fast possible? She smiled at him, looking at his beautiful eyes. "Just Cara," she said, because she didn't want to be just the princess to him, just like he wasn't just the stable boy to her.

**RyMAt87: **He knew they were so different. She was from a good life, he was poor. She was so pretty, he was just a stable boy. She had so much more going for her. But her smile would be the death of him, he knew it. He smiled back, even though it was wrong. And yes, he had fallen in love. And he didn't regret it. Not one bit.

**MAC_12: **So, they started to spend a lot of time together. She always found excuses to slip away during the day, and every single time she found herself in the stables. Aaron taught her how to groom horses, how to water them down, how to saddle a horse. He rode the horses with her for their daily exercises, and one day they rode to a stream.

**RyMAt87: **His dad used to take their family to the stream, and he had nothing but good memories there. They tied the horses to the tree and sat down by the stream, talking about everything with each other. He told her how he didn't mind being a stable boy, how his dad had been one and his grandfather before that. He told her if he had a choice, he would still choose to be poor because being rich seemed like so much work, and they never quite seemed happy.

**MAC_12: **She listened to him and realized he was right. She wasn't happy at home. The only time she ever felt happy was when she talked to him. That thought both made her happy and sad. Happy because she loved him so much. Sad because she had everything, yet she had nothing without him. But instead of letting that bother her, she decided to have some fun. Standing, she said, "Watch this!" And she jumped right into the stream. She laughed, splashing in the water. "Come on in!"

**RyMAt87: **He was surprised that she jumped in, but he quickly followed her. He jumped in, causing a large splash that made her laugh. When he rose up, he shook his head, letting water fly away from his shaggy blond hair. He looked at her and laughed, watching her splash around and just have fun. He had never seen her so happy.

**MAC_12: **They played around in the water for a long time. After a while, they noticed the sun starting to set, and both knew it was time that she got back to the castle. She climbed out of the water, wringing her dress out and squeezing the water out of her hair. The air was warm, so she knew she would dry off by the time they reached the castle again. Otherwise mother would be mad. But with Aaron, she didn't fear that. She didn't care. She'd had a wonderful day, and nothing could ruin it.

**RyMAt87: **He also climbed out of the water, running his hand through his wet hair, making it slightly stick up. He went to check on the horses, letting them drink from the stream. He was the stable boy, after all. Finally, when he knew the horses were full, he turned to Cara and smiled. "Ready to go?"

**MAC_12: **She finished trying to dry herself and looked at Aaron. His tunic was cut off at the shoulders, and for the first time she realized just how strong he was. He probably bathed daily to remove all the dirt, but by the time she saw him he was always dirty. Now, for the first time, she could see how handsome he was. He was more handsome than any of the princesses that came to court her, and she was breathless looking at him. She walked over to him, looking into his beautiful eyes that she had grown to love. Without thinking, she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

**RyMAt87: **His arms went around her now, and he kissed her back. He had wanted this for a long time. She loved him too, she had to. No one would kiss like this if they didn't love the other person. After a long time, he pulled back. "Your mother will want you home soon," he said, gently holding her face in his hands.

**MAC_12: **She smiled at him, her heart so full she didn't know what to do. "Well, mother can wait." And she kissed him again.

XXXXX

Ryan knew that Marissa was trying to pull away, but damn't if he was going to let her. They spent the next three weeks playing this sort of game where she would pull away only for him to pull her back with both arms locked tightly around her. He would pull her back even if she were screaming, because he knew that there was no safer place to be than with him. He wouldn't hurt her – never again.

A month after they started being friends again, they had an astronomy test. Neither felt ready for it, especially since the teacher informed them the average on all her tests was usually a 55%, give or take a few points. So, instead of studying alone, they decided to study together in her apartment. Ryan's and Luke's place was pretty much off limits now after her breakup, and Ryan himself tried to avoid the dorm as much as humanly possible, usually only going home to sleep.

Now, Ryan was leaning against one side of her couch, his feet propped up on her coffee table while she was against the other side of the couch, her feet curled under her. Books lay scattered between them, printed homework and handouts all over the place. He knew he should be studying, but the way she chewed on the end of her pen made him feel some distant longing in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to taste her, every part of her, to know every curve and freckle. With Luke out of the way, he just wanted to be with her – all the time. It had been a month. She had forgiven him. What were they waiting for?

Marissa looked up from the passage she was reading and gave him a look. "Do I have something stuck in my hair, or are you just obsessed with me?" She gave him a quirky smirk, her eyes playfully twinkling.

He smiled, shaking his head. "You look as beautiful as always." She blushed, which he loved. "And I'm not obsessed with you, I just find it funny how hard this is for you."

She narrowed her eyes at him, a glare imminent. "How hard it is for me? Sorry if I'm not a rocket scientist. This class is hard."

He moved some of the books aside, scooting closer to her, leaning in so that she felt his breath against her cheek. "Aren't you the one who told _me_ about black holes?"

Her eyes narrowed even more, and – despite his proximity – held his gaze. "That was _years _ago, and way more interesting than this." She held up the current paper she was reading. "Kepler, Galileo, tides? Boring."

He only grinned, eyes flicking back and forth between her oh so soft lips and bright eyes. "Maybe, but I find _you _very interesting."

She knew he was flirting with her, and she could very easily flirt back. Such a large part of her wanted to. But another part – a saner part – was still holding onto her heart with both hands, scared beyond reason to let go. She pushed on his chest lightly, moving him far enough away so that she could stand. "I'm hungry. Pizza?"

He reached out and grabbed her arm, slightly pulling her back. She turned, her heart beating furiously in her chest. Yes, his touch intoxicated her; his presence sent all her senses on hyper drive. "Pepperoni. Extra cheese," he said with a soft smile, his eyes smoldering and sexy. She looked down at his lips, subconsciously licking her own. The sexual attraction that had built up in the last month seemed suddenly stifling.

He let go of her arm, grinning to himself as he saw the affect he had on her. Yes, he was playing on the mutual attraction, but only to get her to see how much she still felt for him. She was more than just sexual attraction to him, and she always would be. Even if there was a lot of that.

And so they studied, Ryan constantly doing things that hinted at how much more he wanted, and Marissa casually ignoring his advances. Hours passed, the pizza diminished, and the two learned more about astronomy than they ever wanted or needed to know. Marissa's living room became more and more of a mess as papers and books fell and scattered. It simply looked like a disaster zone, but they both became too absorbed in reading and quizzing each other that neither noticed.

Ryan read through an article about tides, realizing he now knew all this information. "I think you're right. Tides really are boring," he said. When he didn't hear a response, he looked over the paper to see Marissa curled up against the edge of the couch, a book open in front of her. Her eyes had closed, and he wondered if she was asleep. "Riss?" He asked quietly, not wanting to wake her. When her eyes didn't open, he smiled.

He straightened out the papers and books, not wanting her to freak out when she woke up. He took out the pizza box, put away their plates, and threw all their trash away. Finally, he lowered himself down on the couch beside her, body softening at the peace on her face. When was the last time he saw her look this peaceful and unworried? Probably not since before Brett was in a car accident, back when things between them were still innocent and he hadn't broken her heart all over again. And she hadn't broken his.

He gently lifted her into his arms, carrying her very carefully to her bedroom. He had never actually been in the room since they pretty much stayed out in the living room or the kitchen the entire time, but he couldn't see much anyway in the darkness. He located her bed, very delicately placing her on it, careful not to disturb her. He pulled her blankets over her, tucking her in. He carefully lowered himself to sit on the edge of her bed, staring down at her sleeping form. She looked so content and peaceful. He couldn't wipe the smile off his face.

"How is it that I still love you with all the reckless abandon of an eleven year old boy?" he asked quietly, talking more to himself than anything. "It's like so much time has passed, and so much has happened, but I still feel the same – just more intensely." He leaned down and kissed her temple tenderly, his heart going out to her – this amazing, beautiful girl who had been hurt and healed too many times to count. She deserved the world, he was sure of it. "One of these days you'll trust me with your heart again," he murmured as he pulled away. He straightened out her blankets before quietly standing. "Goodnight, pony girl."

He was all the way at her doorway before he heard her soft voice. "What if I don't?"

He turned to her, surprised to see her awake. Had he woken her? He didn't mean to. "What if you don't what?"

She sat up now, rubbing her eyes. "What if I don't trust you with my heart again?" She met his eyes through the darkness, and he realized how torn she was. How scared. What he would give to take all that away. "What if friends are all we are meant to be?"

He turned his body fully to her now, taking a careful step toward her as he contemplated her words. "I don't believe that." He angled his head at her. "I don't believe that we are meant to only be friends. From the moment I met you, I knew that we were more than that. We always have been." He sat on the edge of her bed, staring deeply into her eyes. "We always will be."

She rested her hands on her lap, looking down at her blanket. "Ryan…"

He shook his head. "No, Marissa. You listen to me, okay? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I hurt you, and I'm sorry that we even have to have this conversation, but we are going to be together again. Maybe not tonight, or tomorrow, next week, or even next month – but I know that you love me, and I love you. Isn't that enough?"

She bit her lip before lifting her eyes to his again. Softly, she shook her head. "What if it's not?"

He stared at her for a really long time, not understanding despite all his hardest attempts. How hard was it to just give your heart? He had so easily given his – or maybe she had taken it. These days, he didn't even know. "It is."

She sighed, biting harder on her lip. "Ryan, the world isn't black and white. It isn't full of fairytales and happily ever afters. People get hurt, things are said, hearts get broken." She met his gaze again. "And sometimes the prince and princess don't end up together. Sometimes people just don't click."

Ryan couldn't believe how skeptical Marissa now was. What had happened to the girl who made him write a fairytale with her? What had happened to the girl who marveled at rainbows and happy endings? The girl whom he had fallen so deeply and desperately in love with? She was there, he knew it. She was deep inside, afraid to come out, but he wouldn't let her hide forever. He couldn't let her hide forever.

So, he did what he had to do – he kissed her. He placed one hand on her cheek and one behind her head, cradling her head as he moved his lips over hers. He knew she felt the same – he knew because her breath hitched and she easily sank into him, kissing him back. Her eyes fluttered closed, and she gave herself over to him, heart and soul, despite her absolute greatest efforts not to let him in. Even if she didn't want to admit it, even if she didn't want to _think _it possible, she was his in every way.

She opened her mouth to him, and they tasted each other. He kissed her with every ounce of longing he had resonating within him, and she clung to his shirt, balling it up in her hand. He loved her, she loved him – why did she need to make it so much more complicated than that? Why couldn't she feel _this_? Couldn't she just understand that some people _do _get a happy ending, but first they just have to open themselves up to it?

When he was sure he had made his point, he pulled away, opening his eyes to see hers still closed, pleasure and passion and longing written across her face. He smiled his smile she loved so much, even if she couldn't see it. He leaned in and kissed her forehead tenderly before standing again. "You're right," he murmured. "Some people don't click. And some people don't get a happy ending." She opened her eyes now, her gaze clouded with desire and sensuality. "But if we fall into that category, it's only because _you _put us there."

And with that, he turned and left, not bothering to look back. He had made his case – a very compelling argument, if he did say – and now the rest was in her hands. Either way, he would wait for her to come to him tomorrow. And whatever she decided, it was her decision.

XXXXX

_**October 25, 1999 **_ _(continued)_

**RyMAt87: **They started to sneak off to see each other all the time. They kissed whenever they had the chance. She spent all her free time with him, and people were starting to notice she wasn't around all the time anymore.

**MAC_12: **She knew her mother and father wondered what she was doing, but she didn't care. She couldn't bring herself to care. The more time she spent with Aaron, the more she loved him. It was fate that made her walk out to the stables that day. It was fate that brought her to Aaron, and she knew that. She just didn't care anymore what anyone else thought. Aaron was right – she was rich and she could have everything, but she wasn't happy. Only with him. Always with him.

**RyMAt87: **One day Cara's mother and father sat her down and told her she needed to stop sneaking off. That whoever she was spending her time with needed to go away. That she needed to start thinking about getting married because she was going to be 17 soon.

**MAC_12: **Cara looked at them and told them she had found the man she wanted to marry. They both seemed happy. "He is smart and handsome and so strong. He cares about me, and that's where I've been going – to see him. I know it's scandalous and not the way things are supposed to go, but I love him. I want to be with him. I want to marry him." Her parents told her that they needed to meet him, but they couldn't be happier. They obviously thought she meant a prince.

**RyMAt87: **Cara told him what her parents said. She wanted him to meet them. He protested at first, but then she kissed him and told him it would all be okay. She would make it okay. So, she left back to the castle to wait with her parents. He washed himself up, put on his best set of clothes – a clean, old tunic – and held himself tall as he walked into the castle.

**MAC_12: **Her parents saw a poor stable boy when he walked into the parlor. But Cara saw a prince – a handsome, loving, beautiful blue-eyed prince. Not caring what her parents would say, she ran to him and threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly. She loved him, and she wasn't afraid to say it, to shout it, to show it to the entire world – not just her parents.

**RyMAt87: **He held Cara, but watched her parents and saw nothing but disgust. He knew their relationship was over. Her parents would not approve. And they didn't. "You are to break it off at once. A stable boy? He is not fit for you! He is nothing but poor filth! A peasant!"

**MAC_12: **Cara stood in front of him, as if to shield him from their words. She couldn't be more furious. "I love him! You cannot and will not keep me away from him!"

**RyMAt87: **Her parents grew even angrier. "We will banish him from the kingdom! He can no longer work here! He is to never set foot here again!" With every word, Aaron felt more and more worthless. He was losing both his job and his love.

**MAC_12: **Except, this meant nothing to Cara. "If he leaves, I'm going with him." Her parents and Aaron gasped. She reached out for Aaron's hand, lacing their fingers together. "If he leaves, I will always go with him." She turned to him and smiled. And just like the first time they met, he shyly smiled back. And it was love.

**RyMAt87: **Her parents wouldn't take no for an answer. "Then we shall kill him!" Aaron's eyes widened, his heart heavy. There really was no happily ever after, was there?

**MAC_12: **Cara squeezed Aaron's hand, still smiling, still looking at him with so much love. Softly, she said, "Then I shall die with him."

**RyMAt87: **The whole world looked at Cara and saw a princess. But in that moment, when he looked at Cara he saw his whole world. They would never be apart. Even if they had to die, they would be together.

**MAC_12: **Her parents, of course, would not kill her. But they still would not let her marry the stable boy. "It's your kingdom, or the boy," they warned her. She didn't even have to think about her choice – she chose Aaron.

**RyMAt87: **They walked out of the palace together, hand in hand. They mounted his own horse that his father had given him for his 16th birthday, and they rode off into the setting sun. Cara and Aaron. Aaron and Cara. The princess and the stable boy. And they lived happily ever after. The End.

**MAC_12: **Thanks for writing a fairytale with me, Ry.

**RyMAt87: **For you, anything :) You tired?

**MAC_12: **Yeah, really tired. Goodnight, Ry.

**RyMAt87: **Goodnight, Riss.

XXXXX

**Three chapters left now! The end is near! As a side note, if there are any one shot ideas that you guys have, feel free to tell me and I'll think about writing it :)**

**Individual Replies:**

**xoElle23:** So I just read your super long R/M oneshot from 2009. I know, I know, I'm a little behind. Anyway, I loved it :)

** : **That was just the sweetest review :) You made me smile so much. Thank you, it's people like you that make all my problems just go away.

**Skillz37: **I am a bit of a dying breed of R/M writers lol. Don't worry, I'll start another story and that one will be much longer than this one. So, if you want, you're still stuck with me for a while! And believe me, I understand getting a job and having no life haha.

**Sara: **Yeah, I didn't want them to get right together, but I am kind of speeding up the part to them (maybe) ending up together just cause I've run out of ideas of what they should do in the meantime lol.

**TVDaddict22****: **Haha, it totally did seem like an ending! For a second I legit thought "you know, I could technically end it there." But I have had a couple of scenes I've wanted to write for a really long time, one being Ryan talking to Marissa while she's 'asleep', and the other one being in the next chapter :)

**Marissa Davis: **Summer will be in my next story, don't worry :)

**Riss H**: Why thank you! And I love writing the best friends thing. Obviously. Lol

**Devon: **I think just about your review was when I decided despite all my crap I have to do, I just have to update this week :)

**Sailaway: **R/M sexy time. Hmm… just might happen sooner than you think ;)

**RMforever: **I'm glad things are okay! I was really worried. I read your review from last time and freaked out a little lol. I hope you like this time's chats! Tbh, I kind of never have chats planned out in my head, so I always write them at the end. I just start writing something and this conversation takes place without me even really thinking about it haha.


	26. I Cross My Heart

**A/N Hey guys! So, in case you didn't see, I wrote a one shot called "Once Upon a Driveway." I do not claim the title as my own creation, but I do own the story! If you're interested, read that. Guys, you all are so amazing. Your feedback for the last chapter was incredible. I am humbled and amazed with you guys every single week. It keeps me motivated, not only to write, but to carry on day to day in regular life. You'll never know the impact you have on me! As always, read and review, and enjoy!**

_Our love is unconditional _

_We knew it from the start _

_I can see it in your eyes _

_You can feel it from my heart _

_From here on after _

_Lets stay the way we are right now _

_And share all the love and laughter _

_That a lifetime will allow_

_- George Strait "I Cross My Heart"_

Marissa stayed up all night tossing and turning as she thought about Ryan's words. Did he want her to make a set decision? Did she really have to choose _right now_? Why not let her take time, have space? Why force her into something she was so sure she wasn't ready for?

She loved him. God, she loved him. But that didn't mean she was ready to be with him. Not now, possibly not ever. He had hurt her. Luke had hurt her. The world had hurt her. She just didn't think she could take being hurt once again. If she gave her heart to Ryan and he ended up hurting her, she didn't think she could survive it. If she accepted him as her everything, what if he left and she was once again alone?

She figured she would talk to him after their Astronomy test, which was scheduled for 9AM that morning, but he finished the test before her and left. He was serious about her needing to figure out what she wanted.

Marissa skipped her next couple of classes, deciding she just needed to think. She knew Ryan had wanted her to make a decision, but she didn't think he was this serious about it. Was it really necessary to avoid her? He could be giving her space, but she didn't want space. She wanted him. Her _friend_. Couldn't that be enough?

She thought about him. Their relationship. Everything. She had met him when she was merely eleven, an awkward girl just trying to find her way in the world. He became her entire life. She lived and breathed just so she could talk to him. She fell deeply in love with him, and it had been scary, but she loved him wholly and completely.

After he left, her entire world seemed bleak. Nights seemed darker, days dimmer, life dreary. Brett had managed to patch her up, but she was never whole again until she met Ryan Atwood, Luke's roommate, her new friend. Somehow he did what no one else could do – he made her feel whole and complete again. He took the broken girl she'd become and made her feel alive once again, like she had the whole world in front of her.

And she fell for him. She fell harder for him than she thought humanly possible, even harder than she'd fallen for him as a child because this time she was older. She once again had Ryan as the center of her world, the one thing that could keep her sane and okay. Every moment she spent with him, she desired to be with him even longer. Right or wrong, he again became her everything.

When he was gone, she ached. She felt empty. Hollow. She turned into a shell of the person she'd been, once again left in a world without him. She just didn't know it yet. She didn't know he was the same person.

And when she found out the two boys she had loved were actually one, she freaked. She was angry. Felt betrayed. But she was terrified. For the first time in her life she had to admit she only felt whole when this one special boy was around. He had somehow come back, and it scared her because her life depended on this one simple boy. Her everything. Her comfort.

She had pushed him away, calling it anger; partly, it was. But she needed to know that she could survive without him, that her life wasn't just centered around Ryan. If it was, what could she do if he left? What could she do if he decided once again that he didn't need to be in her life? How could she cope without him?

Now, she knew she could at least survive without Ryan Mackenzie Atwood. She could breathe and eat and function without him around. It wasn't a matter of survival at stake here; no, it was a matter of the heart.

And at one that day she realized what she had been trying to deny all along – Ryan was the only one who could possibly handle her heart. She had given it to him so whole-heartedly before when it was full; she had even handed it over to him when it was broken. Sure he had hurt her, but Ryan was also the only one even slightly capable of nursing her back to health, or keeping her heart full when she wasn't broken.

Marissa realized that it was okay to be afraid. It was even okay to be terrified. Yet, it wasn't okay not to give her heart over to Ryan; he was the only one worthy of it. It had belonged to him since she was merely a girl, and he would take care of it. He would keep it safe. He would hold it and nurse it and offer his own to her for the very same reasons.

He was Ryan, and she was Marissa – and yes, they were meant to be together.

Standing and grabbing her keys, Marissa rushed off to find Ryan and give him something she should have trusted him with long ago.

XXXXX

_**June 10, 1999**_

**RyMAt87: **So, what is a summer for Marissa in Newport like?

**MAC_12**: Um… boring….

**RyMAt87: **Oh come on. I somehow doubt that.

**MAC_12: **I don't have a very interesting life.

**RyMAt87: **Your life is 100000000000000x more interesting than mine. I guarantee it.

**MAC_12: **Why do you say that?

**RyMAt87: **For one, I live in Chino.

**MAC_12: **There aren't any fun things in Chino?

**RyMAt87: **If you call a broken down park with a rusty slide and lopsided merry-go-round fun….

**MAC_12: **Well, there has to be something else to do.

**RyMAt87: **I would go to the video store and rent some movies, but they have one of those adult movie sections behind the curtains in a back room and the guys that come out of there scare me. Usually they're these creepy tattooed guys. But this one time I was scarred for life.

**MAC_12: **lol, why?

**RyMAt87: **Well, this one time I went with my brother. A couple of years ago. My brother had already told me what kind of videos are shown back there, so I had an idea. Of course, even now, I don't know really. I haven't seen any of these videos. But anyway, this one day we go to rent some movies and someone steps out from behind the curtain. Who is it? My dad.

**MAC_12: **Omg no

**RyMAt87: **Yes. He saw me and instead of getting embarrassed or anything, just says, "Hey Ryan, what's up?" And then leaves the video store. I just stared open mouthed after him. Ever since, I'm traumatized and don't want to go to the video store.

**MAC_12: **lol you make me smile with your stories.

XXXXX

Twenty minutes later she opened the door to his and Luke's dorm, calling out, "Ryan! Ryan I'm ready to…"

But she stopped when the figure on the couch watching television turned around, revealing Luke. He met her gaze, his eyes sad and lonely. She hadn't seen him since their breakup, and Ryan very rarely mentioned him. As far as she knew, they weren't really on speaking terms, but they coexisted. "Hey," he said quietly, dropping his gaze.

She bit her lip, standing in the doorway with the door still flung open. "Hey." She paused, sighing because this was just so incredibly awkward. "Um, is Ryan around?"

He shook his head. "No. He's been out all day." He lifted his gaze again to briefly meet hers before letting it drop away.

Marissa chewed harder on her lip. "Oh."

He nodded, turning back toward the television. "Yeah. Sorry."

Marissa knew she could turn and try to find Ryan, or she could stay and talk to Luke. She really wanted to do the former, but Luke deserved at least an explanation. So, despite her heart's desire to see Ryan and tell him her decision, she closed the door and walked toward the couch. "Luke, we need to talk."

Luke didn't meet her gaze, just stared at his hands. "I think we did plenty of that last time we saw each other."

She shook her head, lowering herself onto the ottoman so she could see him. "No, I need to explain something. And to apologize. The thing between me and Ryan is…"

"Complicated," Luke finished for her, his eyebrows rising then falling. "I get it. Who am I to fight with 'meant to be' right?"

Marissa sighed, reaching out to pat Luke's leg. His eyes lifted and he finally met her gaze. "There's something I never told you. About me and Ryan." She placed both of her hands on her lap, unsure of how to even begin explaining her complicated history with his roommate. "I guess you should know that I've known Ryan longer than you thought. Longer than any of us thought. As it turns out, Ryan and I met online years and years ago. We were best friends."

Luke's surprise wasn't as strong as his curiosity. "What happened?''

She sighed; she hated thinking about this. "Ryan decided one day that I didn't need him in my life anymore, so he left. That was before we ever got together. Before we even talked. It was before I even knew who Brett was." She bit her lip once again. "I was a mess. I missed my best friend. I loved him. I knew I loved him. But he was just gone." He remained silent, listening quietly from the couch. So, she continued. "I never saw a picture of him, so I didn't know what he looked like. That's how I didn't know it was him when we first met. To me, he was just your roommate. But to him…"

"You were the girl he'd fallen in love with," Luke finished for her when she trailed off. She merely nodded, lacing her fingers together in her lap. "When did he tell you?"

She let out a short laugh. "He didn't. I found out when Theresa came into town."

He raised his eyebrows. "So that's why you wouldn't even look at him for so long."

She nodded, smiling softly. "I was so angry. Didn't want anything to do with him ever again."

Luke nodded, clasping his hands together. "So what changed?"

She sighed, shrugging. "I realized I still love him." At Luke's slight wince, she felt bad, but he had to understand. "I'm sorry Luke, but I can't not love him. If I could, I would."

"No, you wouldn't," he said, letting out his own bitter laugh now. He breathed out slowly, thinking. "And it's okay, Marissa, really." He lifted his gaze to her, and she saw he was being genuine. "I understand now. I may have been your first in a lot of ways, but you were never mine." He gestured towards Ryan's room. "You have always been his. A part of me always knew, I just never understood why. Now I do."

Marissa nodded, resuming biting her lip. "I'm sorry?" She offered, smiling softly when she saw him begin to smile sadly.

"No need to be," he said, reaching over and squeezing her knee.

"So are we good?"

He nodded. "We're good. Thank you for telling me."

She nodded. "No problem."

She stood and started to go when Luke said, "Check the architecture building." Marissa turned to glance at him. Luke shrugged. "When you two aren't talking, he spends a lot of time at the architecture building. I don't know what part, but he's mentioned it before."

Marissa thought of the rooftop he'd shown her. She suddenly knew where to find Ryan. "Thanks, Luke," she said softly. Then, she turned. It was time to find Ryan.

XXXXX

_**April 9, 2002**_

**MAC_12: **Do you hear the people sing! Singing the songs of angry men!

**RyMAt87: **Um, no.

**MAC_12: **It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again!

**RyMAt87: **I think I'm missing something.

**MAC_12: ** It's Les Mis, Ry.

**RyMAt87: **Les Mis?

**MAC_12: **Les Miserables. It's a play. Or a book. Depending on who you talk to.

**RyMAt87: **And what is it to you?

**MAC_12: **Both! I had to read the book for class this year. It's freaking long, but it's soooooo good. We watched the play in class, and it's so sad! And amazing and wonderful and just all together incredible.

**RyMAt87: **Uh huh. And what is it about?

**MAC_12: **So many different thins. Basically this guy Jean Valjean gets out of prison and goes on parole (sorta) and then breaks parole and changes his identity. He becomes this really rich guy and mayor of this town where he meets this prostitute named Fantine. Fantine has a daughter named Cosette, and when Fantine dies, Jean Valjean promised to take care of her. So he does, and then years later they're in Paris in between the French Revolutions and stuff happens.

**RyMAt87: **I like how you started out really descriptive, and then just end with "and stuff happens."

**MAC_12: **Don't make fun of me! I know I'm bad at describing stuff. It's why I got a B on my paper on it even though I worked really, really hard.

**RyMAt87: **Well, it sounds.. interesting.

**MAC_12: **It's only the best thing ever. I think that I fell in love with the play. And the book. Is it possible to fall in love with inanimate objects?

**RyMAt87: **Yes, but you're not supposed to. Cause, well, you know, they can't fall in love back. And if you think they do, then you have an entirely different problem and need some medical help.

**MAC_12: **You always complicate things.

**RyMAt87: **I try. Who is your favorite character?

**MAC_12: **Eponine. She is the daughter of the innkeepers who watched Cosette as a kid. She starts out really spoiled, but then she has to grow up way too fast. She falls in love with her neighbor Marius, who in the play is into the revolution and everything, but he barely knows she exists.

**RyMAt87: **Why is she your favorite?

**MAC_12: **I don't know. There's something about unrequited love. She sings this song called "On My Own." It moves me every single time.

**RyMAt87: **She sounds like a really sad character.

**MAC_12: **From my experience, a lot of girls relate most with her.

**RyMAt87: **Do you?

**MAC_12: **I don't know. She's just a character.

XXXXX

She found him on the roof, overlooking the college silently. She smiled when she saw him, her heart beating harder, her stomach fluttering. "I thought you were scared of heights," she said, loud enough so he could hear her.

He turned and smiled in her direction. "I am. I'm terrified right now." He shrugged, taking a few steps toward her as she came closer to him. "But I put up with it for the beauty."

That sounded a whole lot of like how she felt. Her smile fell away as they came toe to toe. She played with her fingers, her heart beating even harder. She lifted her gaze to see him intently watching her, his blue eyes soft. She bit her lip, opening her mouth, then closing it again. "I wanted to give you my virginity," she finally said softly, shrugging one shoulder.

His eyes grew sad, full of regret. "I know," he murmured, and she knew it killed him.

She looked over his shoulder at the beautiful sky, then back into those beautiful blue eyes of his. Shrugging, she softly asked, "Can I just give you my heart instead?" Her eyes watered as she spoke, as she grew more and more emotional.

He smiled and placed his hands on either side of her face. "I'll keep it safe," he murmured, staring into her eyes before leaning in to kiss her softly.

After a breathtaking, wonderful and tender kiss, they both pulled away. She pecked his lips a few times before meeting his gaze again. "You better," she warned before smiling, letting him wrap his arms around her. She rested her head on his shoulder, clinging tightly to him, finally letting the tears fall.

And for the first time all year, Marissa Cooper was happy.

XXXXX

_**July 1, 2002**_

**RyMAt87: **Okay, I have a question.

**MAC_12: **What is it?

**RyMAt87: **Why is Marius so clueless? I mean, he is completely an airhead. He doesn't notice anything but Cosette, even when he has this girl so completely in love with him right there.

**MAC_12: **Omg Ry, how do you know this?

**RyMAt87: **I may have read the book. And rented the movie. And bought the soundtrack.

**MAC_12: **Oh my Gosh this is so awesome! I can't believe you did that!

**RyMAt87: **Well you were so excited about it that I wanted to know what you were talking about so we could discuss it together.

**MAC_12: **Well what did you think!

**RyMAt87: **First, it was really long. But it was really good. Okay, I'll even admit it, it was amazing.

**MAC_12: **It really is! And to answer your question about Marius… I think that some guys are just clueless. They never see what's right there in front of them. Or rather, they never realize there's a girl right there all along who would give anything for him.

XXXXX

They couldn't keep their hands off each other. Mostly it was innocent: holding hands, hugging, lightly kissing the other when they both just couldn't take it anymore. They picked up food from their favorite diner and went back to her apartment to watch _The Notebook_. Marissa was in the mood for something romantic, and Ryan just wanted to spend time with the girl he loved. His _girlfriend_. It felt wonderful to say.

They cuddled on her couch during the movie, occasionally getting distracted and making out. Marissa had never felt desire like this before; she just wanted to kiss Ryan with all she had. She wanted every part of him. She soon realized she wanted _him_. And why shouldn't she? They'd known each other long enough. And she _loved_ him. So much.

At the end of the movie, Ryan muted the credits, turning to his girlfriend who was resting her head on his chest. "I think I've seen that movie ten times since school started last semester," he said with a soft laugh.

"It's just such a good movie," she said, turning her face so she could smile at him. She let her eyes fall to his lips, and moved so she could kiss him softly. It felt so good to just be able to kiss him whenever she wanted to. And _gosh _did she want to.

They kissed for a few minutes, their arms finding their way around each other. He cradled her head with his hand, his other running through her hair. Her own hands raked through his hair as she kissed him, softly tugging on his bottom lip. She knew he was reacting, too, which just made her want to continue. Finally, he pulled back, resting his forehead against hers, breathing heavily. Smiling, he softly said, "I should probably get going. It's getting late."

She softly drummed her fingers on his chest, avoiding his gaze. "Or… you could spend the night…"

Ryan raised his eyebrows, observing her. "Are you sure you're up for that?"

She bit her lip at all the possibilities, but didn't want him to know what she was thinking about. Nodding, she finally met his gaze. "It's not like we haven't slept in the same bed before…"

He watched her carefully before nodding. "Okay. If you want me to, I can stay."

She smiled shyly, standing and reaching her hand out for him to take. Silently, she led him to her bedroom, turning on her bedside lamp. Ryan shoved his hands in his pockets, looking just as shy as she felt. Marissa leaned in and kissed him lightly, letting her lips linger as she said, "I'm going to get ready for bed."

She sauntered over to the bathroom, shutting the door softly behind her. Ryan sank down onto the bed, unsure of what to do. He had removed his shoes hours before. He didn't know what he should sleep in. He figured he could take off his blue button up shirt he was wearing open over his wife beater. That wasn't inappropriate. But his jeans? Did he take them off or leave them on? He didn't want to scare her away. He didn't want to pressure her. Just because she asked him to stay over didn't mean anything was going to happen. He took off his socks, still contemplating his jeans when the bathroom door opened.

He was so lost in his thoughts that she had to make a sound for him to lift his gaze to her. When he did, his eyes widened as he realized what she was wearing. Or….not wearing. She stood before him in her thin robe over only her bra and thong, fidgeting sheepishly, blushing profusely. She walked over to him in a way she hoped was sexy, straddling his lap. His heart beat harder against his chest as her chest pressed against his, only a few layers of clothes separating. "What are you…" he began, but she silenced him with a kiss.

Her arms found their way around his neck as she kissed him passionately. Every coherent thought fled his mind, and he wrapped his own arms around her as he kissed her back. Her tongue slipped into his mouth, so he opened his mouth to her and their tongues fought for dominance. She moaned softly making him react, and she felt it.

They fell back onto the bed, moving so that Marissa's head was against the pillows. Their kisses became hungrier as both tried releasing the pent up sexual frustration and attraction that had accumulated. They needed air, but neither were willing to pull away, too intoxicated and absorbed by the other. Marissa's hands moved to the button on Ryan's jeans, and suddenly Ryan came back to reality.

He pulled away, breathing heavily, trying to put some space between them. "Marissa…" he breathed, tucking some of her hair behind her ear.

"Hmm?" she asked with a smile, leaning up to kiss him again.

He started getting lost in her lips, but before he could lose himself entirely, he pulled back again. "Are you sure?" he asked, but she kissed him again, silencing him. "We…just... got….together…isn't…it….soon…?" he murmured in between kisses, trying to restrain himself from giving in entirely.

Marissa finally pulled back, both nearly panting. She played with the hair on the back of his neck, gazing into those eyes of his that she loved so much. "I'm sure," she said breathlessly. "I've wanted this – you – since I was fifteen, Ry." She blushed, tearing her gaze from him as she looked down, embarrassed.

But Ryan found this incredibly sexy. "Shouldn't we wait though? I mean, we just became a couple.." He lifted her chin so she had to look at him again. "I'm not saying I don't want to. I'm sure you can _feel_ just how badly I want to…"

She blushed again, but shook her head. "I want this. Us." She kissed him softly, strikingly different from their hungry kisses just a few minutes ago. When she pulled back, she quietly said, "I'm ready. We're ready. Don't question it. Just… _feel_." He leaned in and kissed her tenderly, letting all his worries vanish. She reached over and turned off the lamp so that it was just them and the moonlight.

They undressed each other slowly, taking their time despite how badly they wanted each other. His eyes scanned and savored every single inch of her flawless body, and her hands softly grazed every exposed inch of him. Their kisses remained passionate, loving, and they felt whole with each other.

When he was finally inside her, their eyes locked, and both felt _complete_. As if they'd finally come home. As if this was where they belonged, joined together, bodies and souls intertwined.

Something wonderful and exciting started building in Marissa as Ryan moved within her. She kissed him hungrily, trying to block out the moans and groans of pleasure. Her hands ran over his chest, his stomach, his back – anywhere she could reach as she tried to fight this thing building inside her, not wanting it to stop. Ryan kissed her chest, murmuring, "Let yourself go." He trailed up to her lips. "_Feel_."

Finally, she did just that, and shuddered as waves of pleasure exploded from somewhere deep within her. She dug her nails into Ryan's back, and he shuddered with the same feeling. "I love you," she murmured through the pleasure, burying her head into his neck.

When they had both calmed down, they wrapped their arms around each other, still wanting to feel connected in some way. She rested her head on his chest, listening to his heart beat slowing down. He played with her hair, a gentle smile on his face as he gazed down at her. "I love you too," he finally responded. She turned so she was facing him, and both smiled shyly at each other. She leaned up and lightly kissed him, her lips barely touching his.

It wasn't his or her first time, but it was _their _first time, and it was perfect.

XXXXX

**My fingers hurt from typing so much lol. I'm not used to writing this much in a week anymore. Maybe this summer I will get back into it! So, I'll end the chapter there.**

**Two more chapters, folks! Well, one more chapter, and then an epilogue.**

**Individual replies:**

**Skillz37: **Thank you so much! The thought that you check every night for a story from me means a lot.

**RJMoonspell4: **Thank you!

**RMforever: **Wow, I hadn't even noticed it got up to that much. It's crazy to think how much I've written in the past couple of months, since most of the story was written them. And yeah, I would be really scared too after what you went through!

**xoElle23: **You are every bit as good as me lol. I'm nothing special.

**Riss H: **I will definitely think about that! I've learned if I just think of something long enough, the story unravels itself :)

**Rose Scott: **Thank you so much! I'm glad you like the chats. Sometimes they're so hard to write.

**Oclover11: **Your review made me smile. It really touched me. Thank you for your kindness.

**Nadine: **Okay, I blame you and Sara for getting a new story idea stuck in my head! With R/M as parents and everything. Sigh, as if I didn't have enough ideas just floating around ;)

**Sara: **See the reply above ^^ I actually couldn't fall asleep till past two the other night because I had a story stuck in my head! I just can't think of a way to shorten it, so we just may have another story after my next one.

**Sailaway: **I have to write for you guys! As long as I have reviews, I must write!

**Guest: **Thank you!


	27. I Got You (At the End of the Century)

**A/N So I wrote this both in the library and then while watching the news. I know people in Boston, so yeah. If any of my readers have any connection to all that horrible stuff going on this week, I send my heart out to you and your family. Things are really intense, huh? Anyway, I hope you enjoy this update. It's technically the end, but there will be an epilogue. The faster you review, the faster you get an update since I'm pretty much free this coming week. So, Read, Review, and enjoy!**

Ryan and Marissa stayed in each other's arms late into the night, just talking. Marissa's heart felt fuller than ever before as she felt her _boyfriend's_ warm body beside her, holding her. She could stay in his arms forever, as cliché and corny as that sounded. She had longed for this since she was a girl, and now here it was. She was with Ryan Mackenzie Atwood, her best friend. Could there be a better feeling in the world?

Ryan also felt full and content. He had longed for Marissa since he first saw her, and now he had her. It was more than just sex that they had shared – they had given themselves to each other. He was even more protective of her than ever, and he tightened his arms around her as he thought he would gladly die for her. She was his and he was hers and now that they had both finally admitted it to one another, they could plan the rest of their lives.

They talked for hours. About their favorite childhood memory, their favorite teacher in elementary school, their first memories. They already knew so much about each other, but that didn't feel good enough anymore. They wanted to know _everything _about the other, so they asked all sorts of questions. Occasionally Ryan or Marissa would lean in and kiss the other softly, both of them smiling sheepishly afterwards.

Ryan laced their fingers together, playing with her hands. "What was your favorite conversation of ours online?" he asked.

Marissa thought about it, smiling at their intertwined fingers. "Hmm, that's hard. I'd probably have to choose when you wrote a fairytale with me." She leaned over and teased, "Very masculine of you."

He raised an eyebrow, attempting to give her a stern look. "I'm all man."

She grinned, eyes twinkling. "Oh I know. You showed me earlier."

He raised both eyebrows now at her suggestive words, highly amused. "See, all man," he said, pecking her lips, lingering for a minute before pulling away.

She sighed contently as he pulled away, feeling so incredibly happy. She couldn't wipe the smile off her face. "What about you? What's your favorite conversation of ours?"

She leaned her head on his chest, and he twirled her finger around his hair as he thought. "Um… probably the one where you calmed me down while Trey and my mom fought. Remember that one?"

She bit her lip, remembering that conversation very distinctly. "Yeah. I was terrified."

This was news to him. "Really? I never would have thought. You handled it so well. By the end of the night I felt completely relaxed and honestly completely forgot about everything."

"Why was that your favorite?" she asked softly, turning to look into his eyes.

He continued playing with her hair, and she tried not to smile at his own messy hair. "I don't know. I think that was the night I fell in love with you." He avoided her gaze, obviously embarrassed to admit that.

She smiled at his words, her stomach full of butterflies as she looked at him. She leaned in and kissed him sweetly, never getting tired of his delicious taste. Her lips were surely bruised, but she couldn't stop kissing him. "That was a bit cheesy for someone who claims to be all man," she murmured playfully against his lips.

He pulled back and gave her a look. "Are you implying I'm not all man?"

She batted her eyelashes at him seductively. "I'm implying that maybe you need to _show _me just how much of a man you are."

His eyes clouded with desire, and she bit her lip at how sexy he looked staring up at her. Taking her by surprise, he flipped them over so that he was on top, his body pressed against hers. Feeling him pressing against her, she grinned. "You asked for it," he said, leaning in to kiss her hungrily, effectively ending her giggling.

XXXXX

_**June 15, 1999**_

**RyMAt87: **Hey.

**MAC_12: **Hey. How are you?

**RyMAt87: **I'm okay.

**MAC_12: **What's wrong?

**RyMAt87: **I said I was okay…

**MAC_12: **I think I kind of know you a little bit now. When you say you're okay, you're usually not. You stay distant pretty much all night. What's wrong?

**RyMAt87: **Nothing really. My mom and brother are fighting.

**MAC_12: **Why?

**RyMAt87: **My mom's new boyfriend isn't really nice.

**MAC_12: **What do you mean?

**RyMAt87: **I don't know. He's just not a good guy.

**MAC_12: **Does he do things to your mom?

**RyMAt87: **Sometimes.

**MAC_12: **Does he do things to you and your brother?

**RyMAt87: **Yeah.

**MAC_12: **Are there any drugs involved?

**RyMAt87: **I think so but I really don't know.

**MAC_12: **Hmm. Are your mom and brother being violent?

**RyMAt87: **Not right now. Lots of yelling. It happens a lot.

**MAC_12: **Why haven't you told me?

**RyMAt87: **I don't know. It's not something people like hearing about.

**MAC_12: **Well, it's not a pleasant thing to hear about, but it's an important part of your life. And I don't know about you, but you're kind of an important part of my life.

**RyMAt87: **I am?

**MAC_12: **Of course, Ryan. We talk every day. You keep me sane.

**RyMAt87: **Well, you're important to me. You know I'm always here.

**MAC_12: **And I'm always here for you. You don't depend on me as much as I depend on you, but I want to be here for you.

**RyMAt87: **I'd like that too.

**MAC_12: **Do you know why I love talking to you so much?

**RyMAt87: **Why?

**MAC_12: **You make me feel like everything is going to be okay, no matter how bad it seems. It's crazy because we are both so young, but you still make me feel like the bad things aren't so bad. And the good things are really amazing. You're quickly becoming my sole person to depend on.

**RyMAt87: **Well, you mean so much to me. I don't want you to feel bad. You're too good to feel bad.

**MAC_12: **I'm really glad I found you. It's weird how one show, or one decision can change everything.

**RyMAt87: **It's funny, but I was just thinking the same thing.

XXXXX

Marissa awoke with a smile on her face. She stretched and reached over for Ryan, her eyes flying open when she grabbed only air. She glanced around her room, not finding him anywhere, and immediately frowned. Listening for any indication of his location, she heard whistling and the clattering of dishes. Her smile returned, though she was kind of disappointed not to wake up in Ryan's arms.

She stood, wrapping her naked body in her discarded robe before heading to the bathroom. After using the restroom and brushing her teeth, she returned to her bedroom, biting her lip. Deciding she felt seductive this morning, she dropped the robe and grabbed Ryan's discarded blue button up shirt, pulling it on and buttoning only a few buttons so that it didn't leave much to the imagination, but still covered her.

Taking in a deep breath, she smiled as she opened the door and saw Ryan in his red-checkered boxers and a wife beater making breakfast. He didn't notice her at first, so she said, "Am I ever going to get to wake up with you in bed again?"

He immediately turned, his eyes slightly widening when he saw her in his shirt. He paused with the spatula stuck in midair as his eyes scanned her body, subconsciously licking his bottom lip in appreciation. She walked over to him, both grinning and blushing at his eyes on her. She reached him and wrapped her arms around his neck, pecking his cheek before pulling away. "I wanted to make you breakfast," he finally said, regaining control of his thoughts and body. She lifted herself onto the counter, watching as he flipped a pancake over. "Besides, we have the rest of our lives to wake up together."

Both of their eyes widened at his words. He paused, eyes darting frantically in an effort to find something to say. "I didn't mean…" He closed his mouth, heart beating hard. What if she freaked out? "I didn't mean to be presumptuous, I just.." But he never got the chance to finish.

Wrapping her arms and legs around him, Marissa's mouth hungrily found his. His words didn't scare her; if anything, they were a huge turn on. She suddenly just needed him, needed that release, and she wasn't afraid to ask for it. Her tongue pried his mouth open, and their tongues started fighting for dominance. His hands rubbed up and down her thighs, sending chills and tingles through her whole body, further igniting the fire growing deep in her belly. Her hands tangled in his hair, messing it up even further, but neither cared.

She pulled back just enough to breathe, "Bedroom. Now." Her lips reconnected with his, and her legs wrapped tighter around him. He reached over to turn the stove off and knocked the pan aside before lifting her up and carrying her off to the bedroom, shutting the door closed with his foot, where they lost themselves in the other for the next few hours.

XXXXX

_**November 5, 2002**_

**MAC_12: **And how is my best friend Ryan doing today?

**RyMAt87: **Your best friend Ryan is really sleepy.

**MAC_12: **Oh. Well you should sleep then.

**RyMAt87: **I don't think so.

**MAC_12: **Why not?

**RyMAt87: **Cause if I was asleep, I couldn't talk to you.

**MAC_12: **Ryan, you're tired, you need to sleep.

**RyMAt87: **I have my whole life to sleep.

**MAC_12: **You also have your whole life to talk to me.

**RyMAt87: **I do?

**MAC_12: **Well, yeah. Don't you know we are going to be best friends forever?

**RyMAt87: **I know I would like to. I just fear you'll get tired of me after a while.

**MAC_12: **Impossible. Silly, you're impossible to get tired of.

**RyMAt87: **Either way, I think I'll stay up and talk to you. How is my best friend Marissa doing?

**MAC_12: **She is doing amazingly.

**RyMAt87: **Oh really? And why is that?

**MAC_12: **Because her best friend Ryan is the sweetest boy in the world.

XXXXX

After heating up their pancakes and then returning to bed, Marissa eventually fell asleep. Ryan just lay there with her for a while, his thoughts all over the place. In the last twenty-four hours he had gone from wondering if Marissa could ever open herself up to him again to holding her naked, sleeping body in his arms. If this was a dream, he didn't ever want to wake up. He loved her so much. It was terrifying, but there was no denying it. She held his heart.

With that thought, he knew there was something he needed to do. Carefully pulling himself away from Marissa's embrace, he got out of bed and dressed. He wrote a note for Marissa in case she woke up, then quietly left the bedroom and eventually her apartment.

The air outside was crisp but felt good. Then again, he didn't think anything could really ruin his good mood at this point. He was finally with the girl he had pined over for so long. As crazy as it seemed, she loved him. She didn't get afraid when he talked about a future. If anything, she really liked the idea.

When he reached his dorm, Luke thankfully wasn't around. Marissa had mentioned talking to Luke, but things still seemed too awkward and fresh for them to be friends anytime soon. He was fine with that. He had Seth, and of course Marissa. Hell, he even had Kaitlin and Brett – though Kaitlin was much more keen on him than Brett. She still called ever now and then to check in and give him an update on her pregnancy status. Now that he was with Marissa, Kaitlin would be a prevalent part of his life. Good thing they got along.

Ryan decided to take a shower, reveling in the feel of the hot water. Back home, their water pressure always sucked and the shower never really got warm. Now, he could get a good shower at a decent temperature. Everything about college was better than Chino. The thought that he had deliberated whether to attend Berkeley or not made him so thankful he had decided to take a chance on the university despite his background. It had led him to good friends, a good education, and an incredible girlfriend. He was lucky. He was a success.

After his shower, he dressed in some jeans and a black tshirt before heading to his laptop. Now, it was time to do what he hadn't been sure he would ever do. Something that truly would be exposing himself to Marissa. But if he didn't do this, he knew he would never really get her to understand how much he loved and appreciated her. Because he did. And he knew that the mature thing to do would be showing this – all these words – to her.

Marissa hadn't been the only one to write unsent emails to him. He had written her email after email as the years went by as well, never quite getting the nerve to send them, and never having the heart to discard or delete them. As he copied email after email into a word file, he thought back to his life without Marissa. He had been miserable, lost, and directionless. These emails proved that. These emails proved he'd thought of her ever since he left.

Good thing he had plenty of paper and ink. He ended up printing a hundred pages, front and back. And because he knew how important digital copies were, he pressed send to every single email – over a hundred in all. He just hoped Marissa didn't wake up and check her email before he had a chance to explain.

He rolled up the papers the best he could, grabbing a backpack with a change of clothes to take back to Marissa's apartment. He figured she would want him over another night, and the thought made him smile despite the shyness from what he had just done. Grabbing everything, he headed back to her apartment.

He used the spare key she kept hidden on the top of her doorway to let himself in. He quietly closed the door behind him and walked to her bedroom, slowly opening the door to find her sitting on her bed, her laptop open, hair wet from a shower. She glanced up and smiled when she saw him, her eyes softening. "Hey. How'd you get in?"

He lifted the spare key, keeping the thick stack of papers behind his back. "I used your spare. Sorry, I'll put it back."

She shook her head, her smile soft and warm. "No. You keep it." She blushed a little, breaking their eye contact. "I mean, if you want to."

"Are you sure?" he asked tentatively.

She nodded, lifting her gaze to him again. "Yeah. Of course."

"You never gave a copy to Luke.." he reminded her.

She tilted her head. "You've never been Luke," she said quietly, and it made him smile.

He made his way to the bed, sitting on the edge near her. "What are you doing?"

"I was going to check my emails," she said, clicking around on her laptop. Her eyes widened and she glanced up at him. "Ryan, what is this…?"

"Something tells me you've got a lot of mail," he said with a soft smile. She nodded and he gestured towards her laptop, asking if he could close it. When she nodded again, he closed the top and moved it aside, scooting closer to her. Reaching for her hand, he softly said, "Do you remember how you told me up on the rooftop that you wrote me emails but never sent them?" She nodded. "Well…" He finally pulled the papers out from behind him, placing them in her hands. Her eyes widened as she saw the sheer volume of paper. "I wrote you emails too. Sometimes only a few sentences. Sometimes a few paragraphs. But I always wrote to you whenever I had a bad day, or a mediocre day, or just any day I couldn't get you out of my head – which was a lot."

She started flipping through the pages, eying the dates. "Wow," she murmured softly. "I can't believe you did this."

"I missed you," he said softly, tilting her chin up to meet his gaze. "I wanted you to know that. So, even though it's kind of completely embarrassing and everything, here you go. Hopefully this can erase whatever lingering questions you have about my true feelings for you." He gestured towards her laptop. "I also sent you the actual emails so that you have them saved online if anything ever happens to these."

Marissa looked down at the papers, processing everything. Ryan had missed her. He had missed her so much he wrote her hundreds of emails, but had been either too afraid or too stubborn to send them. Whatever miniscule doubts she had about him completely dissipated, and all she felt towards her boyfriend and long friend was awe. This was probably really uncomfortable for him, yet he did it anyway. Ryan would do anything for her. She truly believed that. And this showed that.

Placing the papers on her nightstand, she closed the gap between them, resting her hand on his cheek as she kissed him passionately. Not hungrily, not softly, but passionately – a mixture of both. He kissed her back, his hand resting on her waist. "Don't you want to read the emails?" he murmured, pulling back just enough to look into her eyes.

She smiled, her heart full of nothing but love. "We have the rest of our lives for that," she said cutely, making him smile as he remembered that morning.

"That's a bit presumptuous, Miss Cooper," he murmured, leaning in to connect their lips again.

She smiled against his lips. "What are you going to do about that, Mr. Atwood?" she murmured back, their kiss growing in intensity.

"This…" he said, leaning her down onto the bed, his body hovering over hers as he kissed her harder, both opening their mouths to each other. As they slowly undressed each other, as their bodies intertwined, they both thought that yes, they did have the rest of their lives together. And they would spend every day of making it count.

XXXXX

_**December 1, 2002**_

**RyMAt87: **Okay, say it's years in the future. You spent the night with a guy. It's the next morning. Do you want him to make you breakfast?

**MAC_12: **Um, hell yes.

**RyMAt87: **haha. You seem very sure.

**MAC_12: **Okay, there are few things in this world I love more than food.

**RyMAt87: **I've seen pictures of you. You're really skinny.

**MAC_12: **Doesn't mean I don't eat. I love food. Pancakes. Oh gosh, I would love a guy to wake up and make me pancakes.

**RyMAt87: **Pancakes, huh?

**MAC_12: **Pancakes are delicious. Sexy guy and pancakes in one morning? I'm set for the whole day then.

**RyMAt87: **Okay, we're changing the subject.

**MAC_12: **What, you don't like talking about sexy men?

**RyMAt87: **Um, no. Not my thing.

**MAC_12: **Aw, you don't wanna talk guys with me?

**RyMAt87: **No no no.

**MAC_12: **Well, lucky for you, I have no crushes. So I don't have much to talk about. But pancakes. I love me some pancakes.

**RyMAt87: **You're weird.

**MAC_12: **Aw, you don't know what you'd do without me.

**RyMAt87: **I definitely agree with you there.

XXXXX

**As I said, the faster you review, the faster you get an update. Who knows, I could even update again this weekend! But enough people have to have read the update already. With that said, you have a choice. If I do update early, then do you want the epilogue of this story, or the prologue to the next one?**

**For those of you who don't know, here is some info on my new story:**

**It will be called "From This Moment" (shout out to the song!)**

**It has three parts after the introduction. Therefore, it is a long story. I.E. I'm gonna be around for a while :)**

**It is obviously R/M cause they're my OTP of all OTPs. (yes, I did just use that phrase. I'm hip, guys)**

**General Plot/Summary/info: Following Ryan and Marissa from a young age, From This Moment is fundamentally about having the courage to love. Ryan and Marissa are best friends, though polar opposites. Ryan is the boy who lives in the numbered streets with his alcoholic mother; Marissa's dad is an up and coming millionaire who can and will give her everything she ever wanted. Yet, they are best friends, and by all means complete each other. Ryan is everything Marissa ever wanted, and Marissa is all Ryan ever needed. But Marissa can't wait forever. What happens when Marissa is ready to move on? Can Ryan overcome his fear of love, or will he lose her forever?**

**I'm tired, but I'm gonna do individual replies anyway cause I like talking to you guys lol.**

**Individual Replies:**

**xoElle23: **Well, you made me smile, so we're even :)

**Skillz37: **Maybe with summer nearing you won't have to wait until only Fridays anymore :)

**Riss H: **Hey buddy! Omg, you have no idea how obsessed I am with Les Mis lol. It's pretty bad. I read the book just cause this semester cause I'm a nerd, and I've watched the movie like 8 times and saw the play last year. Gah, it's one of my many guilty pleasures lol.

**Sailaway: **lol I hope you were satisfied.

**RMforever: **In regards to Les Mis, I am totally obsessed. The book is fantastic, though in some parts it does drag on (like the first part with the Bishop, and then later on when he talks about Napoleon). However, it is totally a good read and well worth it. So much rich language and so very tragic and amazing. In regards to the sex scene…. Yeah, I kind of have this thing where I know the fundamentals of writing sex scenes, but as a non sexually active person, I don't really feel like writing them explicitly lol. Also, idk, reading hardcore smut kind of takes away from the love for me?

**Sara: **Oh gosh, I wish I had a Ryan in my life too! And I definitely have an idea for a R/M starting a family story, I just have to figure out when I would write it.

**Devon: **I hope you read the summary that I included above. And I hope that you approve!

**Guest: **Thank you, beautiful reviewer!

_**Side note: **_**I changed my tumblr account. I can't remember if I told you guys. But I changed it to throughthestars18. So you can find me there, possibly making R/M gifs if the mood so strikes me. And just some person writing sometimes. Also, I have twitter, which I should get back to using more regularly again lol. That's dzunig1. And that's all, folks! Don't forget to let me know what you want updated!**


	28. Blue Moon

**Okay, I'm so sorry, but I don't think I can come up with any chats lol. I have spent all my writing mind on this chapter, and there is just nothing else I can crank out of me. I'm sorry! Who knew that the chats in the last chapter would be the final ones? Not even me. But anyway, here is the end. Thank you for all of you who stuck with me all these years. I appreciate it. The feedback, even now, is incredible. You guys are awesome. It has been my pleasure to write this story for all of you. Even if this is now over, please review. Tell me what you think. Thanks, and enjoy!**

**Oh, also, for the fifth section, I literally put the song "Blue Moon" by Ella Fitzgerald on repeat. It really set the mood. Just a suggestion!**

_**2010**_

Just as Marissa desired, she and Ryan did wake up many mornings in each other's arms. They had been dating for nearly four years now, and both couldn't imagine it any other way. The darkness in their lives from their time apart had dissipated; these days, both could scarcely remember what it felt like to be without each other.

Ryan technically finished his semester living with Luke since he had already paid the rent, but afterward it seemed ludicrous for him to be anywhere other than with Marissa. Starting their sophomore years, both Ryan and Marissa rented and lived in an apartment together. After all, since that first night, they spent every single night together anyway.

With Marissa's prodding, both she and Ryan went back to Chino to visit his mom regularly. She had finally begun to sober up, and had even held a stable job for three years now. Dawn Atwood absolutely adored Marissa, dazzled by both her beauty and love for Ryan. She had already hinted at their need to hurry up and marry so that she could have grandkids. Both Ryan and Marissa blushed at the thought, but neither was particularly afraid of the idea. They planned to spend the rest of their lives together anyway; the idea of marriage, while not discussed, seemed entirely likely.

Kaitlin and Brett had their baby in 2007, and both Ryan and Marissa loved the bubbly little girl with their entire hearts. With the Cooper family and McKay family help, Kaitlin and Brett were both able to continue their education. Brett would be graduating a local university that coming spring, and Kaitlin was also attending a local university. So many people surrounded and loved their little girl Andrea, including her Aunt "Wissa", "Uncle Wyan" and the always-goofy "Sef."

In their senior year of college, both Ryan and Marissa had begun to wonder what the future would bring them. Ryan was a bright kid in the top of the architecture program. Marissa had decided to major in English, thinking that she might enjoy the publishing industry. Both had already started searching for jobs, though Ryan had more luck despite the poor housing market.

It was searching for a job with a firm that landed Ryan an interview with one of the top firms in Manhattan. At Marissa's insistence and Ryan's nervous reluctance, both Ryan and Marissa were currently in New York City on the company's dime. They were _that_ interested in Ryan's work.

What Marissa didn't know was that Ryan's nerves weren't entirely focused on his interview. Instead, his mind was on his secret plans for the night after his interview; a night that, if played out correctly, would begin their commitment to each other for the rest of their lives.

XXXXX

Ryan awoke to the sound of his phone's alarm going off. Groaning, he reached over Marissa and turned the alarm off. He was going to meet with the architecture firm at ten that morning, two hours from now. Resuming his previous position, Ryan buried his face in the nook of Marissa's neck, breathing in his naked girlfriend's vanilla shampoo.

"You need to get up," Marissa murmured, making Ryan smile against her skin.

"I don't want to," he said against her neck, lightly nipping on the exposed flesh. He felt Marissa's body shiver against his, and it made his smile widen.

"Well, you need to." Marissa let out a content sigh as Ryan's arms tightened around her. "You need to take a shower and get dressed in that sexy suit of yours so that you can go off to your interview and kick ass." Her voice turned suggestive. "And the faster you do that, the faster you can come back to the hotel and I can take that sexy suit off of you and enjoy you.."

He smiled at the thought, running his hands over her body so that she melted into his touch. "Or… we could skip the interview, and you could enjoy me now…"

She giggled as he lightly began to tickled her sides, making her squirm. "Ry, stop, stop stop…"

He laughed and kissed her neck before removing his hands from her body. "Fine, fine, I'll get up."

Standing, he walked naked to the bathroom. "Hey, Ry?" Marissa called out to him.

"Hmm?" he asked, peeking out the bathroom door.

Marissa grinned, stretching and relaxing in bed. "Make sure it's a cold shower."

Half an hour later, and Ryan was showered and dressed, tying his tie. He stood in front of the mirror in the bedroom, observing his reflection. He wore a light blue shirt with black pants and a navy tie. His hair was spiked in various places, part of it falling in his eyes. He couldn't decide whether he looked good or not, so when Marissa walked out of the bathroom he turned to her. "What do you think? Do I look like a successful architect?"

Dressed in pajama pants and a plain white cotton shirt, Marissa looked him up and down as she walked over to him. "Um, I don't know what a successful architect looks like." Reaching him, she straightened out his tie before wrapping her arms around his neck and smiling. "You look like a sexy architect though."

He rolled his eyes. "Sexy is not going to land me the job."

She raised her eyebrows and smiled teasingly. "Oh I don't know. What if you have a female interviewer? Sexy always wins you more points."

He couldn't help but smile lightly himself. "Is that so?"

She nodded, leaning in to kiss him. "Mhmm." He wrapped his own arms around her waist, gladly returning the kiss. Pulling back after a minute, Marissa teased, "You have my permission to tease, but you're _mine_, got it?"

"No sleeping with the boss for the job?" He asked amusedly.

She shook her head, biting her lip in a way he'd come to find incredibly sex. "No. That's reserved entirely for the girlfriend."

Ryan thought of his plans for that night, his heart beating a little harder against his chest. "Well, lucky for you, I happen to love my girlfriend."

Her eyes softened. "Is that so?"

He nodded, angling his head at her. "Yes, very much." He glanced over her shoulder at the digital clock on the dresser. "I'm going to get going so I can get some coffee and get there early." He leaned in and kissed her tenderly, making her whole body sing with warmth. His lips lingered near hers as he pulled away and said, "I'll see you in a few hours."

He turned to leave, but Marissa grabbed his hand before he was out of reach. "Hey Ry?"

He turned and smiled. "Hmm?"

She squeezed his hand and smiled shyly. "Your girlfriend loves you very much too."

His eyes softened now, and he closed the gap between them, taking her face into his hands. He stared into her eyes for a few seconds before slowly leaning in to kiss her, longer and more passionately this time. Marissa grabbed hold of his tie, pulling him closer to her. When he pulled away, she whispered, "Hurry back."

"Always," he whispered back, pecking her lips one last time before heading off to the interview.

XXXXX

The interview went really well. So well, that the firm offered Ryan a job with a decent salary and benefits as soon as he graduated the following spring. Ryan said he would get back to them within the next couple of days as he pondered it, and then he shook hands and departed.

On his way back to the hotel, his mind was all over the place. This was an incredible opportunity, but the bottom line was he needed to know how Marissa felt. He would follow her anywhere, but he didn't think he could necessarily ask her to move across the country with him. Both of their families were in California, their lives were in California – would it be right for him to ask something so grand of her? Did he even want to do it?

He realized that he did want the job. He wanted the job very badly. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity, one that he couldn't take lightly. But it was _New York_. If Marissa wasn't on board, he just couldn't take the job. He wouldn't leave her. Not again.

He found her out on the balcony in their room. It was cold and slightly snowy outside, vastly different than the weather back in California. He opened the screen door and walked up behind Marissa, wrapping his arms around her from behind. "Hey," he breathed into her hair, closing his eyes as he let all his worries melt away. It would all work out. He had a plan, remember? And tonight would be amazing. He would make sure of it.

"How did it go?" Marissa asked, leaning back against him.

"It went well," he said, moving his lips down to her neck, kissing her softly. "But right now, I was thinking we could just focus on us." He tightened his arms around her, reveling in her warmth. "I seem to recall a certain desire to take me out of my sexy suit?"

She laughed softly, her breath a frozen puff. She turned in his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck, eying him up and down. "Mmm, that definitely seems like a lot of fun."

He leaned in and brushed his lips against hers. "Almost four years and your desire for sex has only grown."

She laughed against his lips, pressing her body flush against his. "That's because I have such an incredibly sexy boyfriend at my disposal. It's hard to keep my hands to myself."

He laughed now, the sound falling into her mouth. "I'm not complaining."

"Oh I know," she said, pushing him so that they went back into the room. She pushed him down onto the bed, biting her lip in such a sexy way that it took everything in Ryan not to rip her clothes off right then. "Hmm, what to do with you…" She sat down on his lap, straddling him. "I think I'll take my time with you," she whispered into his ear, lightly biting his earlobe.

"What if I don't want to take my time?" he managed to get out, groaning as she shifted on him.

"Tough," she murmured, ending all conversation with her mouth on his.

XXXXX

"So explain to me again why I'm getting all dressed up?" Marissa asked as she finished her makeup in the bathroom.

Ryan smiled as he put that night's important items in his jacket pocket. "Because we're in New York and I said so?"

Marissa raised her eyebrows and looked at him from the open bathroom door. "Um, since when do I listen to you?"

He laughed and rolled his eyes, sitting down on the bed to watch her. "Since you love me and we're in New York and I am very, very nicely asking you to."

She pretended to mull that over. "I suppose."

He checked his watch. "You ready yet? We really do need to hurry."

"Well, if I knew what I was getting ready for, I might be more inclined to hurry," she suggested with an innocent shrug.

"I told you, it's a surprise." He stood when he saw her turn off the bathroom light, and reached for her jacket. "Put this on. It's freezing outside."

"So bossy tonight," she said with a soft tut tut. He held her jacket for her as she put it on. "I think I kind of like it?"

He laughed softly, kissing the side of her head. "You would." They left the room and set out in the cold. A few blocks later, he said, "Okay, I'm going to have to cover your eyes now."

She turned and stared at him. "Um, I don't think so."

He smiled at her cutely. "Trust me?"

She glared. "That's not fair." Regardless, she turned around again and let him place his hand over her eyes. "I _hate _surprises."

He laughed and led her forward. "I know that you love surprises. You just hate _waiting_."

"Same difference," she argued, but he just rolled his eyes at her and smiled.

"Stop complaining. We're almost there," he said, seeing the lights up in the distance.

"Why do I feel like we're suddenly standing in a crowd of people?" she asked, noticing the increase in conversation.

"Because we're around a lot of people now," he said, leaning in so she could hear him. Finally, he whispered into her ear. "Okay, open your eyes."

He removed his hand, and watched her expression change to awe as her eyes adjusted. "Wait, are we…?"

"Going to see Les Mis?" he asked with a smile. Pulling out the two tickets from his inside jacket pocket, he nodded. "Yes."

Her eyes widened and her whole face lit up with excitement. She jumped and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him. "Thank you thank you thank you!" she exclaimed.

He smiled, pleased with her reaction. "I'm glad you're excited. We actually have pretty good seats."

They walked and stood in line since the doors didn't open for a few more minutes. Marissa turned to him and stared at him with awe. "How did you even know?"

He shrugged, a soft smile playing on his lips. "When the company contacted me, I immediately looked at what was going on in New York, especially Broadway. When I saw Les Mis, I knew that we just had to come."

She couldn't wipe the smile off her face. "I love you, you know that?"

He rested his hands on her waist, leaning his forehead against hers. "Yes, I do." He pecked her lips before pulling back and just wrapping one arm around her, trying to keep her warm. She leaned her head on his shoulder, smiling softly in anticipation of the play.

He felt the other item in his pocket burning against him. Part one of their perfect night was a go. So far, so good.

XXXXX

"That was so good!" Marissa exclaimed as they exited the theater. She walked in front of him, twirling a little bit in the snow, arms spread open wide. Ryan watched her with a soft smile, glad she was happy. She smiled over at him, dropping her arms. "Thank you, Ry."

"The night isn't over yet," he said, walking over to her.

She raised her eyebrows. "What more could you possibly have planned?"

He held out his hand for her to take, his eyes glowing. "You'll just have to see."

She smiled, blushing lightly at the way he was staring at her. She reached out her hand, lacing their fingers together. "Lead the way," she said softly, her heart fluttering as she stared at him.

They took a cab for a little while to stay out of the cold, otherwise Ryan would have let them walk. Marissa stared out at the city passing by, amazed by the fact that she was in New York City of all places. With Ryan. She couldn't possibly ever feel happier.

Ryan told the taxi when to stop and then he and Marissa slid out. He paid the driver, then they both watched him drive away. Marissa rubbed her hands up and down her arms, even though she had a jacket on. "So now what? We're left in the cold?"

He shook his head, gesturing just a little down the street. "Now," he murmured into her ear, "We climb aboard our second mode of transportation."

Marissa's eyes widened when she saw a man dressed in a suit and hat, smiling at the two of them, standing beside a horse and open carriage. "A carriage ride?" she asked.

Ryan nodded, lacing their fingers together again, pulling her towards their ride. "Through Central Park. Normally the rides end at eight, but since we were at a play, I made other arrangements with this driver."

The driver smiled warmly at the two as they approached. "Mr. Atwood, I presume?"

Ryan nodded, extending his hand, which the driver shook. "I really appreciate this."

The driver waved him off. "I understand. To be young and in love." His eyes twinkled, and he helped Marissa up to the carriage.

They had a comfy warm blanket to warm themselves, and the driver had provided some hot chocolate in a thermos for them to pour and drink. They started off, snug and warm under the blanket, Ryan's arm around Marissa just to make sure she didn't grow cold. Marissa felt like she was in heaven, and rested her head on Ryan's shoulder. She loved him so much. She couldn't even begin to fathom life without him.

Ryan was similarly thinking something along those lines. He had lost Marissa once, and even though it was a distant memory, he could still faintly remember the pain of a life without her. He wouldn't do that again. He could never leave her again, and he knew she would never leave him. Which left one option, one that he hoped she loved as much as him.

"Are you warm enough?" Ryan asked softly, rubbing his hand up and down Marissa's arm over her jacket.

She nodded, turning to look into his eyes. "I'm perfect. This is perfect." She closed her eyes and kissed him lightly, their lips barely touching. When they pulled back, she smiled and resumed her previous position. "Thank you."

He smiled, resting his head against hers. The comfortable silence swirled around them, much like the light snow. They took in the sights of the park, the lights for Christmas, and the beautiful sights under the moon. Ryan knew the time had come. It was time they talked. "So you know how I told you the interview went well?"

"Mhmm," Marissa murmured against him.

"Well, I didn't tell you just how well." He paused, and she turned to look into his eyes. "I kind of got the job."

She smiled softly, her eyes lighting up. "Really? I'm so proud of you. I knew you could do it."

He smiled briefly, but then it fell away. He reached for her hand, covering it with his own, watching the way his hand and hers just seemed to fit. "I told them I would think about it and then get back to them."

Marissa's smile went away. "Why would you say that? You should have taken it. I'm sure they made you a great offer. They're such a prominent company."

"They offered me a good salary and benefits," he said, nodding.

"Then what is there to think about?" She asked, not getting it.

He finally raised his eyes to hers. "Us, Marissa. You."

She furrowed her eyebrows. "What about us?"

He sighed, his breath frozen in the air. "It's in New York. We live in California."

She just stared at him, still not getting it. "Then we'll move to New York."

He stared at her seriously. "Both of us?"

She nodded, giving him a strange look. "Of course both of us." Her face changed. "Unless you don't want.."

He cut her off before she could even begin to go there. "Of course I want you with me. I just…" He trailed off, looking over her shoulder at the passing trees. "I just want to make sure that this is what you want. It's not an easy decision. It takes packing and moving across the country. No monthly visits with our families, no southern California beach…"

She smiled again, her eyes so soft that it warmed his heart. "I'm okay with that."

He gave her a serious look. "What about the weather? We're used to a little bit of rain in the winter and virtually none in the summer. The temperatures don't get that bad back home. Here, they have snow. Sometimes lots of snow."

She smiled some more, tilting her head to look at him. "Is that it?" He closed his mouth, nodding. She leaned in and kissed him softly, surprising him. When she pulled back she said, "Ryan, I love you. That means I don't care where we are, as long as it's you and me." She squeezed his hand. "This is a great opportunity. You have to take it."

"What about you? What will you do?" he asked.

She shrugged. "I'll start looking into openings around here. I don't know, we'll figure it out."

"Are you sure?" he asked one last time.

She smiled, snuggling up against him. "I'm sure."

He let out a breath of relief. That solved one problem. "Well, what exactly do you want to do? I know you said maybe publishing, but what do you mean by that exactly?"

She shrugged against him, taking in the sights. "Maybe see if they need some sort of intern position at first. Work my way up. Make sure people out there get the words and stories to them that change their lives." She smiled against his jacket. "Words changed me, after all."

"They did?" he asked. This was news to him.

She nodded against him. "Yours," she said softly, kissing his cheek softly.

"Oh."

She bit her lip, wondering if she should tell him. Finally, she decided this was Ryan – she could tell him anything. "I'm actually trying to write a novel."

He pulled back a little to look at her face. "Really? Since when?"

She shrugged, still chewing on her bottom lip, feeling incredibly shy. "A couple of months. I wanted to surprise you with it when I was done."

He pulled her close again, resting his head against hers. "What is this novel about?"

She turned his palm over, tracing the lines on it with her finger. "It's about this girl who meets this boy over the internet." He smiled softly, already knowing where she was going. "They fall in love, but he leaves, thinking it's better for her to have a real life with real friends. They both sort of move on, or at least they think they do, but then they meet each other at college and fall in love all over again."

"Sounds familiar," he murmured, making her smile.

"There's only one problem," she said, still playing with his hand. "I don't know how to end it."

Ryan smiled, knowing this was it. This was his moment. "Can I offer a suggestion?"

She nodded, intrigued. "Please do."

He kissed the top of her head. "Close your eyes. I'm going to describe the scene to you."

She closed her eyes. "Okay. Tell me this amazing ending."

He smiled, his heart beating hard against his chest. "Well, years after they meet again and start dating, the boy takes the girl to New York with him while he goes on a job interview."

"Mhmm…"

"He plans this perfect night for them, remembering one of their conversations from years ago. He knows it has always been her dream to go to New York, and that she had always wanted to see this one play. A play he knew beginning to end, just so he could impress her with his extensive knowledge."

"It was rather impressive," she murmured, her eyes still closed.

He watched her, amazed that this moment had come. When he was a little boy, the thought of a moment like this had terrified him. He had been worrying about it the entire trip, but now that it was here – he felt normal. Like this was just the right thing to be doing. "He plans this carriage ride through Central Park. But his intentions aren't entirely pure."

"Oh really?" she asked, an amused smile playing on her lips.

"Yeah, you see, he has this secret plan." He smiled. "So, on the carriage ride, he convinces her to close her eyes. He takes both of her hands in his." Ryan did just that. "And tells her that he doesn't know what his future holds, but he knows it's with her. Wherever she is, that's where he knows he's supposed to be." He pulled one hand away, reaching into his pocket. "Then he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little box and opens it, placing it into her hands."

When he really did place the little velvet box in her hand, Marissa's eyes flew open. She looked down at the ring, the beautiful diamond engagement ring, then up at Ryan's soft and gentle eyes, her own eyes filled with tears. "Then, he asks her if she will marry him," Ryan finished, staring at Marissa seriously, both their hearts beating hard and loud.

Marissa wiped away some tears, laughing at how emotional she was. She bit her lip, staring at her boyfriend in the eyes. "And then the girl, crying like the wimp she is, says yes. A hundred times yes."

Ryan's face broke into a wide grin, and he took the ring from the box, sliding it onto her finger – a perfect fit. He leaned in and kissed her tenderly, their arms wrapped around each other, the entire world melting away. A long time later, when they finally pulled back, merely leaning their foreheads against each other, Ryan asked, "And they live happily ever after?"

Marissa smiled, not even aware of the cold anymore. Not aware of anything but Ryan, her Ryan, her _fiancé_ Ryan. "Definitely."

The end

XXXXX

**I feel bad that I can't think of any chats, but I literally have over 40 pages of them already. Again, sorry!**

**OMG you guys, you reviewed so fast. That was incredible. I knew I had to finish this tonight for you all because you all deserve it. You earned it. Thank you so much!**

**My new story will be posted Wednesday maybe? The prologue is going to be R/M at maybe seven or eight when they first become friends. Sort of tells you how their relationship starts. I don't know how long that will be. Please look out for that. Remember, it will be called **From This Moment. **Read it. **

**Individual replies:**

**Rose Scot: **Definitely had a story inspiring weekend lol. I hope you enjoyed the ending.

**AshMarie115: **Well I definitely think it is!

**Guest: **Thank you thank you.

**xoElle23: **lol, I think it's pretty sad how I keep writing stories for this all these years later. But what we love, we love, right? I just can't get over these two. And I'm glad that there are other people who feel the same.

**Skillz37: **The first chapter feels like a million years ago. Definitely an entirely different 'lifetime' for me. So much has changed since then. But my love for fanfiction and this one couple still remains the same. Stronger in the last few months, actually, lol.

**Sara: **No kids in this epilogue, but I do plan on trying to figure out how to write that story with R/M as parents this summer as I write this other one. Two stories at once. Can I do it. I hope I can! Oh, and it's such a great song lol. Love it.

**FlyingForward: **I hope you like it!

**Apathicus: **Your wish is my command ;)

**RJMoonspell4: **Thank you.

**Riss H: **I was productive for once on Friday lol. I would've written this earlier today, but I went to see Django at the campus theater with my roommate and that movie is freaking long lol. Expect a prologue soon :)

**Nadine: **Soon, soon. Just have to work some stuff out haha.

**Oclover11: **Haha that's funny. Back at the beginning of last semester I started going on the internet a lot again and learned then what OTP was. I was like "Um, I don't remember this when I used to be obsessed with the internet." But things change, I guess. There is so much internet lingo now though. Jeez I thought I was cool when I knew what AU and one shot meant lol.

**RMforever: **I am in the process of making that gif now! Thank you for the recommendation. And it's funny that you call them Everlark cause the people I follow on tumblr call them Peenis. Yeah.


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